~*~A Dinner for Two~*~
A/N: Inspiration for this chapter: the song Windows by N.E.R.D he he. Definitely creepy if it was the Joker staring in your window!
Sorry I offend Joker fans, I did my best to keep him in character! Be nice, read and review!
When someone has a knife thrust beside your stomach, it doesn't take much encouragement to walk into a deserted alleyway. At the end of the alleyway was a dimly lit entrance into some seedy criminal hideout. The Joker caught me staring.
''Lighten up sweetheart.'' He broke into laughter at his own pun.
A flickering bulb swung above the door. It wasn't much of a door, more like a giant plank of wood wedged between the broken bricks. A crappy neon sign decorated the door.
The Joker's Joint, it read. Classy.
At the end of the alley way was a dumpster. The perfect place to dump a body…
''Play along doll-face,'' the Joker said, taking my arm as we entered the 'restaurant' and the dumpster passed out of sight. ''Play along, and I might even take you for a roll in the tip!''
He nudged and winked, his wicked eyes glistening.
''Ay?! Hoo hoo hoo!''
Obviously my fear was the main source for the hilarity.
It was a dim, grungy little restaurant, as you would expect from someone with a full-time job in theft, torture, assault and general mayhem and murder. Expense on finer luxuries wouldn't exactly be at the top of the Joker's list.
There, a dozen or so tables scattered around the burnt-out hide-out. A small stage was lit-up with candles lined around its spherical edge. A nervous-looking waiter stood bearing a bottle of wine and napkins.
'P-p-p-lease Miss, w-w-won't you take a seat?'
The Joker raised an eyebrow, and that was all it took for the man to set the wine bottle down and draw out a seat for each of us. I couldn't say thankyou, because my mouth was still taped together. Behind us, the two masked men were standing on guard by the plank of wood. I refused to call it a door.
''Now, how about some wine for the little woman?''
The Joker smiled that more-than-slightly-unhinged grin. In any other circumstance, if I hadn't known he was a mass-murdering psychopath, he might have been possibly charming underneath that serial-killer clown make-up.
Then he leap-frogged over his chair, sat down, and batted his eyelashes at me.
''How about some attention, Legs.''
Or maybe not.
He fiddled with the knife in his hands. I sat down quickly, before he changed his mind and decided to fish-fillet my skin.
The waiter came over, setting the wine glasses down with as much nerves as a gladiator thrown into a lion-pit. Which was pretty true right now.
''W-w-wine, M-m-m-iss?''
Obviously that wasn't the right answer, because the Joker snapped. He stood up, and looked the man directly in the eye. ''Of course she wants wine!''
He snatched the wine, and poured it into two glasses. We stared at the 'wine' as it sizzled and slowly began to dissolve the glass. It was acid!
Neither of us said anything, well, except the Joker. He picked up his wine-glass, and downed it in one gulp. He wiped his mouth with the back of his gloved hand, and then beat his chest satisfactorily. ''Ah! Cab Merlot 1982!''
I think both the waiter and I were expecting him to drop dead on the spot. We were at least waiting for him to double over in pain. ''Would you care to try some my dear?'' He held up my own dissolving glass.
I shook my head vehemently.
''Too bad.'' The Joker tossed the glass over his shoulder, narrowly missing one of the masked guards. ''That's what happens when you take a working girl to a classy place.''
I closed my eyes then, and counted to ten. Hopefully I would wake up and be back in my apartment with my cats. 1…..2….I thought back to work yesterday afternoon.
Simon, the Gotham's Head Commissioner of Police, also my boss, had convinced me to take the night off. ''Come on Miss Wood,'' he'd said, pretending to fill out reports, while really watching me. He tried the informal approach. ''Vera. I'm not asking you to take the night off. I'm telling you.''
I frowned, about to open my mouth…..3….4.
Simon is only doing his job, I told myself. We had shared quite a few late-night coffees and crappy morning doughnuts when I came to return new files of Gotham's crime reports. Each week, the reports piled up to two or three boxes. Yes, even for Gotham, that was a lot of crime. Most of it had the Joker's calling card stamped all across it.
Even though I was just an apprentice policewoman, I was still required to do a certain number of hours of street work per week. That meant patrol, crime scene analysis, arriving on the scene of a crime to intervene. So far all I'd been getting was paper work. Office duties. Not that I minded, initially. Simon was always around to talk to. But lately I had the idea that this wasn't exactly normal protocol. I'd seen other cops fresh out of the academy dumped in the middle of a homicide on their first day of duty.
Yes, I'd decided. It was all Simon's doing. Simon and those dark eyes.
''Vera?''
''Yes?''
……5…..6…….7
Vera sounds like the name of a model, or actress. Too elegant and fragile for wall-jumping and hand-cuffing villains. Which is pretty much what he had implied.
''It's a soft name,'' he continued, ''it suits you.'' He looked up, and at last I could see the concern fighting its way out of those dark eyes. ''I'm sorry Vera, but you just arrived. We can't afford to lose you to one of the Joker's crimes.''
You mean you can afford to lose me, I thought, but I knew Simon wasn't about to jump the Boss-employee divide. 8…………9……..
''Fine,'' I grumbled. ''If you need me I'll be having a romantic dinner…''
I shut the door behind me. ''…with my cats.''
…….10.
I opened my eyes.
''Did it work?'' The Joker was still there, batting his eyes away with romantic invitation. He saw me struggling to speak through the tape. In one swift move he tore it off. Again.
''What?!'' I gasped for air.
''Did you wish your way home to Kansas, Dorothy?''
I gaped.
The Joker smiled. ''Or did someone eat Toto? Ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo!'' His smile quickly vanished and he turned on the trembling waiter. The poor man was whiter than the napkins. ''Waiter! Food for the lady!''
The waiter returned seconds later with a paper take-out box on a tray. It was not soon enough. He set the box down between us. The Joker bent down and inhaled.
''Ah! Home-baked cookies! Fresh from the oven!'' He tore open the box and took a bite. ''Choc-chip! My fav!''
I watched hopefully as he devoured three or four in one sitting.
Suddenly the Joker paused mid-bite, grinning. His teeth were coated brown with chocolate.
''Oh. How selfish of me! My dear?'' He pushed the box in my direction.
I thought fast. If I refused outright, he could turn violent. I had read enough about the Joker's antics in the papers to know that. On the other hand, if I accepted, and ate one of those potentially poisonous treats, I would become a corpse whiter than the napkins and the waiter's face combined. I hadn't forgotten the acid wine.
''I can't,'' I said, fixing him with a regretful smile, ''I'm on a diet.''
''Of course!'' The Joker snapped his fingers. ''How could I be so thoughtless! That's how Legs keeps her tight little figure!'' He grinned at went back to stuffing himself. ''Oh well, more for me!''
What I wouldn't have given for my semi-automatic Glock that very moment. I couldn't really see a way of escaping. There wasn't any obvious escape route, escape the plank of wood exit, and that was guarded. The Joker would probably stab me dead before I got anywhere near it. No, I decided, it was best to sit here and wait it out. Wait for…an opportunity.
''Hey pal!'' The Joker snapped his fingers at the poor waiter. ''Come here and try one.''
He stared up at the waiter, no longer smiling. You would have to be brain dead to mistake how serious he was at that moment.
The waiter didn't mistake him at all. He just wasn't very clever. ''I-I-I'm o-on a d-d-d-iet?''
Suddenly those deadly eyes broke up. The Joker erupted into a mad tirade of laughter. ''Ahaha ha ha ha ha ha! He he he! Hoo hoo! Ha ha ha! Wa ha ha ha ha!!! Oh toots, did you hear that?!!! He's on a diet!!! Aha ha ha ha ha ha!!''
The laughter vanished as quickly as it had erupted. ''Eat it. Or I'll shoot.''
The waiter trembled, and held the cookie in the air.
The Joker clicked his hand and one of the masked men joined his side. ''Come on pal I'm a busy man,'' he said, flicking his hands at the man. ''Can't you see I'm entertaining a woman?'' He leered seductively at me.
The guard handed him a harpoon gun.
''Ah!'' The Joker stroked its black surface lovingly. Then he pointed it at the waiter. ''Eat it!''
''Wait!'' I didn't want the waiter to die on my account.
The Joker paused. ''What is it my little turtle dove?''
I cringed at the sick endearment. ''Maybe he is on a diet?''
The harpoon gun was redirected. It came across the table, and lowered itself underneath my chin.
''Not you two Legs! Ha ha! Two legs! Get it?!''
He leaned forward, raising his eyebrows in a mock-serious manner. ''Don't you start boring me too.''
I shut up. Call me selfish, but I really did want to live. Long enough to get back the police department, load my Glock and blow him apart.
''Now,'' he said to the man, re-directing the harpoon in his direction, ''do I have to get tough with ya?''
The waiter shook his head. We watched as the man took a bite out of the cookie.
I guess between the choice of having a harpoon speared through your chest, or swallowing a poisonous dessert, the waiter chose the seemingly kinder option. I say 'seemingly kinder,' because anyone who knows anything about poison knows that it's a pretty awful way to die.
I don't think I really need to go into any details, save I saw the man drop dead on the floor thirty seconds after taking a bite out of the cookie.
The Joker tossed the harpoon aside, and leapt onto the metal chair. ''Music!" He clapped his hands. ''It's time to celebrate this romantic moment!''
One of the masked men disappeared, and returned minutes later with a very unhappy looking band. They set their instruments up on the stage surrounded by candles. I wondered how many of them had dynamite devices strapped underneath their jackets. But they played, probably on automatic pilot.
A familiar bass line picked up. They were playing 'Windows' by N.E.R.D.
''Tango-time!''
The Joker leapt down from the chair and hurled me up from mine. I didn't really get a choice in the matter, not when someone has your arm twisted behind your back and potentially acid-squirting flower sticking out of his flannel shirt.
''And bend!''
My head smacked painfully against the ground as the Joker bent me in a tango-embrace.
And then he began to sing:
'Every single night I'm staring in her window!
De da da da doe doe doe!
She's fresh in a towel and the lights are dimmed low
De da da da doe doe doe!!
We took another turn round the floor. Suddenly I spied the harpoon lying on the floor. I waited until my head took another painful smack on the floor, and I grasped out. My hand grazed the side of the harpoon, but I wasn't quick enough.
''Now now my dear,'' the Joker scolded, kicking away the harpoon. ''I heard a woman can get like this at that time of the month.''
I decided to try the fierce act. Not that I thought it would work. He was too much of a fruit loop to be scared by the law. ''Let-me-go,'' I said through gritted teeth. 'Or someone I know is going to come here and spill your intestines all over the floor.''
''Mmmmm!'' The Joker licked his lips. ''Only if I get to spill yours.'' He leant in closer, and took out the same black tape from his green waistcoat. ''Don't worry gorgeous, I won't make you wait. I know what that does to a woman.'' He taped my mouth up, once again. ''Silence is golden, especially on the louder sex, don't you think?''
Suddenly the music stopped. The musicians looked at each other nervously. Obviously they'd been waiting for cues from the joker. The clown dropped his hand from my waist and stood before band.
''I said, gentlemen, silence is golden. I never said stop. See those candles?'' He pointed to the ring of candles. ''You stop, they drop! Then boom! Hoo hoo hoo he he!!''
The music quickly resumed.
''De dad a da doe doe doe!'' And the Joker was back to swinging me round the room. And singing. ''The best time to watch is like 1 or 2 o'clock!"
Suddenly we stopped at the other end of the 'restaurant'. A grubby velvet curtain hung down in front of us. One of the masked men came over, and pushed it aside.
There, in the room beyond, was a grubby old bed done up terribly with a cheap wood frame and sheets. With no further ado, the Joker hoisted me up, bridle style, across the threshold.
''Bedtime, sugar,'' he said, grinning lasciviously.
Hell No. I had envisioned lots of potentially terrible fates in store for me that night, but sharing a bed with the Joker was not one of them.
''Put her down Joker.''
We turned around, or rather, the Joker turned around, and swung me with him.
There was someone standing there by the plank of wood, and it wasn't his two guards. They were lying on the floor.
The Joker never missed a beat. ''Sure thing Batty!''
He dropped me and my head hit the floor again with another comforting smack.
From the floor, I could still the profile of the man, the shadow, standing at the other end of the room.
It was the masked bat!
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