A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews!

Sarah x

Sandra stalked into the office the next morning, and her first act was to deliver an icy glare to Steve. "My office," she ordered. "Now." She tossed her coat onto the rack and dumped her bag carelessly in the corner. Steve closed the door gently behind him. "Never put me in that position again," she said, barely disguising her hurt at his betrayal.

He didn't even try to deny it; they both knew he'd sent Gerry looking in those drawers knowing he'd find the pills and alcohol, and knowing Sandra would reassure Gerry that Steve was fine. What he clearly hadn't counted on was Sandra abilities when it came to lying. She'd been lying for years, so one more to add to the pile wasn't the most difficult thing she'd ever done.

"What's got into you?" he asked her. He wasn't raising his voice, and he wasn't getting angry. He was perfectly calm. This was why she'd wanted him to keep it to himself. Brian would've started panicking if he found out, and Gerry would have got all uptight and probably would've tried to force some sense into her.

She met his scrutinising gaze and answered him, "Nothing has got into me." It wasn't a lie. Nothing had hit her in the sense of a realisation or a specific event. It was merely a build up of everything that had happened and the pain she couldn't show.

"Then why were you even thinking about killing yourself?" he demanded bluntly. She'd known he wouldn't try to dress it up to be anything it wasn't. He'd seen her while she honestly weighed the option up in her mind, and he'd probably seen the exhaustion and defeat in her face. "You're bloody lucky it was me who walked in on you and not Gerry and Brian. Or Strickland," he added, echoing her previous thoughts. "At least I haven't hit the roof like they would."

She couldn't say anything. She couldn't deny what he was saying, because every word was the truth. She stood still while he walked over to her, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "Why?" he asked her once again. "Why were you gonna do it?"

She just shook her head, swallowing back tears. She couldn't tell him anything he wanted to know. She didn't even know how much Brian and Gerry had told him. She didn't know what he knew about her family, about her past, about the past she never knew she had. She didn't know if he was aware that she had nobody, and nobody was stupid enough to try with her.

She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth to take away the threat of the words spilling out by accident. "Out," she finally said. "We're not having this conversation. It's nothing to do with you."

"No," he defiantly resisted yet again. She could tell he was like Gerry in that he wouldn't follow an order if he thought Sandra was going to suffer for it. "Tell me."

She couldn't stop the tears now. The obvious concern had hit her hard enough that it felt like he'd punched her in the stomach. It was like the shattered remains of her shield had fallen in and were cutting her. "Sandra," he sighed. He pulled her into a tight cuddle, and she knew it was only because he didn't know what else to do.

She felt his arms around her, as if he was trying to protect her from something he couldn't see. He didn't seem to understand that the only thing she needed protected from was her own mind. And that was what was the most disturbing thing – her own mind was doing this to her. Everything she hadn't dealt with was catching up with her. She'd went through cases where this had happened to people who experienced repeated emotional trauma and tried to ignore it. But she never thought she'd end up one of them.

She pulled herself away from him and tried to regain her composure, noting that the tears hadn't stopped falling. "Just go," she told him. "I'll be OK." Another lie. The problem was that she couldn't find any words that truly describe what she was feeling like. Hopeless didn't even begin to cover it.

He wiped the silent tears from her cheeks, and, seeing he wasn't going to get an answer out of her, reluctantly left her in her office. He didn't want to, but she wasn't giving him an option. She knew she wasn't cooperating with his efforts to help her. Once he was safely out of the way, she sat at her desk and let it tear her apart. She let the pain take over, and she felt the sobs ripping through her chest.

She'd thought she'd felt it all before...grief, betrayal, anger, frustration, pain, iciness...but this was something else. It was like someone put all of those into one feeling and forced it into her against her will. She didn't want to feel like this, but there was no stopping it. She heard a knock at the door. If that was Steve coming to check up on her, she was going to throttle him. But when the door opened, Gerry walked through it.

She hastily wiped her tears away, willing them to stop just until she got rid of Gerry. "What do you want?" she snapped. She hadn't mean to sound so harsh, and he appeared slightly taken aback by her manner.

"Steve said-"

"Steve should learn not to say anything," she retorted before he could even finish. Gerry looked somewhat shocked by how she was speaking to him. Her self-control was waning rapidly.

"He said you needed to speak to me," he finished. God, was he ever going to give it up?! It was nothing to do with him. "Have you been crying?" he asked her. "You didn't ask me through here, did you?" he deduced.

"Nope," she replied. "Now, if you don't mind, I've got work to be doing."

"I do mind, as it happens," he answered her.

She looked at him, struggling to control her breathing and stop herself from crying. It was odd; she hadn't properly cried in a very long time, but now she'd started, she couldn't stop. She felt so much pain that it was the only thing left to do. "Go back to work, Gerry," she groaned, trying to avoid the issue.

The way he looked at her was strange; almost fearful. But at the same time, the disobedient concern in his eyes was setting her on edge, wanting rid of him so she could pull herself together. She had to make sure they didn't see what she had become. She had to make sure they remembered her as Sandra Pullman and not some silly emotionally damaged woman.

She had to swallow back more tears, and had to force some steadiness into her breathing while Gerry looked on with confusion and anxiety. It's not for you, she reminded herself when she found it harder to keep the pain at bay. It's for them.

They didn't need to see her like that. They needed to see her with a front of strength and determination, not the broken spirit that lay underneath. "I'm fine," she finally forced herself to say, putting on a smile.

He didn't believe her. That much was clear from the look on his face and the way he shook his head very slightly. "There's nothing I can do that's gonna make you tell me truth, is there?"

"Nothing to tell," she replied casually. "I am fine. For the hundredth time, Gerry, I am fine!" she told him, trying to sound aggressive just to get rid of him. She tried ignoring him, reading the file on her desk. Well, pretending to, anyway. She kept it up for several minutes before Gerry broke the strained silence.

"The pills," he said, and her head snapped up. "Are they yours?"

"No," she lied.

"Are you ill?"

"No," she said. "Your health, however, might take a turn for the worse if you don't leave me alone!" she threatened. He, again, was surprised by her short fuse and intolerance of his questions. In simple terms, she didn't want to answer. It was too complicated. He'd asked if she was sick, but he didn't seem to realise she was ill in a whole different respect. Physically, there was nothing wrong with her – and she suspected that was what he was wanting to know – but she couldn't deny that she wasn't well.

This whole game of running around in circles was twisted on so many levels. How long would it be until she ran out of breath and actually gave up? "Sandra," he sighed, just as Steve had done, only for a different reason. "Why can't you just be straight with me?"
"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" she returned. "Go away."

He shook his head in despair, knowing he wasn't going to get it out of her yet. He simply left, because she'd given him no other option. She was left on her own again. It was what she insisted she wanted, but she wasn't so sure now. The problem was that if she said it aloud, it would make it real. And she didn't want to believe that this was what she'd become. She'd always been the strong one, the one that powered through everything. Turns out it was that that was killing her. Maybe if she'd faced her problems back then, she wouldn't be in the position she now found herself in.

The tears returned with a vengeance, and she physically could not control herself. Something was breaking through the ice, and she didn't like it. Fear? Anger? She stood up and started pacing, trying to calm herself. Anger. Definitely anger. Her gaze fell on the photo of her parents hidden in a corner, away from everyone else's line of sight. She picked it up, looking at their smiles. She couldn't help but blame them for the way they brought her up. In a sense, they both abandoned her.

She threw it away from her, and it made a loud bang against the wall, the corner leaving a mark in the paint. There was something pacifying about venting her feelings. Something strangely reassuring about the fact she still had it in her to lose her temper. She looked at the shelf, and all the possessions that marked all the bad things done to her, or all the horrible things she'd done herself.

She picked them up, one by one, throwing them at the wall. Or the door. Or the floor. Until the door open and Gerry, Brian and Steve came in, shock crossing their faces. Gerry took her by the arm, trying to calm her, but she cast him off. In the end, Steve and Gerry took an arm each and pulled her into the main office, almost throwing her into a soft chair.

The three men gave each other dark looks before Steve finally spoke what they were all thinking. "This has got to stop."

Hope this is OK!
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x