Disclaimer: I don't own any Hogan's Heroes characters.
In the kommandant's quarters Colonel Klink got up slowly. Another day was waiting for him with tons of paperwork to be done. He was weeks behind, if not months, as usual. Without forms and requisitions there would be no war; and everything had to be filled out in triplicate. Paperwork: deadly boring routine.
Klink decided to take a shower as first deed of the day. A little bit of gladness returned to him for he was the only one in the camp who enjoyed the privilege of having hot water. His happiness didn't last for long, however, when he looked down to his feet. Klink quickly turned of the water and ran out of the shower, but it was too late. He didn't hesitate one second and started to scream from the top of his lungs. The only reason why he finally stopped screaming was that he simply was so out of breath that he couldn't anymore. Klink tried very hard to calm down to keep some of his dignity intact, but it seemed close to impossible. He toweled himself down and got dressed.
On the compound all of Stalag 13's POWs lined up for morning roll call. Sergeant Schultz counted the Barracks 2 formation and was more than happy that not only the correct number of prisoners was present, but the correct faces as well. He turned towards the Kommandantur waiting for Colonel Klink in joyous expectation to make his report. Today he would be able to say 'all present and accounted for' without having to lie or stutter.
When Colonel Klink stepped out of the Kommandantur, Schultz's jaw dropped. He stared at Klink in complete bewilderment, unable to speak. The arrival of the camps' commandant was received with a moment of stunned silence before the prisoners burst out laughing.
Kommandant Klink was trembling with anger when he stalked across the compound. Schultz just couldn't believe what he saw and remained staring. Whereas had Colonel Hogan less trouble with believing, but rather with controlling his breathing. He was laughing so hard that he had to force himself to inhale a few times to catch his breath again. The sight of the commandant was fantastic for sure. He was green. Klink's skin was dyed a bright green.
Regaining control, Colonel Hogan asked in an innocent voice: "Do you feel alright, sir? You look positively green in the face!" This caused even more laughter in the ranks.
But Kommandant Klink was beside himself with rage. He started yelling about some assassin sabotaging his shower and green water. Yet, only by threatening to punish the whole camp could he manage to achieve silence and to get the attention of the prisoners. Klink demanded that the man responsible for the crime step forward.
Without hesitation Newkirk advanced. Klink, however, didn't even notice him and kept on shouting. "I'm here, sir. It was me," Newkirk said calmly. This caused Colonel Klink to glare at him. That Englander, Klink wasn't surprised. In fact nobody was.
The commandant ordered Schultz to dismiss the men and to bring the English corporal to his office. He ignored Colonel Hogan's demands to be present as well, turned around and marched back to the Kommandantur.
Klink felt so humiliated, he wanted to do the same to that insolent Englishman. Why not paint him blue or purple? No, that just wouldn't do. The whole camp already knows what's happened. His fellow prisoners would just sympathize with him and continue to make jokes about me, Klink, the commandant of this camp. How dare he? Klink felt his anger rising even more, if that was still possible. He wanted to do something to Newkirk that ought to teach that troublemaker never to play tricks on him again. The worst thing Klink could think of, besides corporal punishment, was to strip the man off his clothing and force him to stand in the middle of the compound for a good while. That would be just as humiliating an experience as he deserved. What an uplifting thought it is: revenge.
But of course he wouldn't do that. Klink was no sadist and couldn't even imagine giving such an order, much less the sight of a naked man shivering in the cold. Spring is late this year and though there is no winter cold anymore, it is chilly enough. And besides, the man will only catch cold and maybe get seriously ill and then Hogan will bug me again because of this and he is terribly annoying. Klink sighed and sat down behind his desk. More annoying than green skin even. No, he would just sentence Newkirk to thirty days in the cooler, as usual.
The very next moment Schultz entered the office followed by Colonel Hogan and Corporal Newkirk. Both the POWs were trying very hard not to smile and failing badly. If Klink had thought that he had calmed down a little, he was completely wrong at that. He felt his blood boil with rage when he thought about what he looked like. Klink didn't want anything more than wipe that smug smile off the Englishman's face. For good. He would let him have it now! Hogan and his men had humiliated him far too often. He wouldn't allow them to get away with it again. Not this time.
"Colonel Hogan, your corporal attacked an officer of the Third Reich," Klink said in an icy cold tone, "which is punishable by death. He will face a firing squad tomorrow at down. A wish for a last meal will be granted, within reason. Dismissed." Then he turned to his sergeant, "Schultz, take the Englander to the cooler."
Neither Sergeant Schultz, nor Colonel Hogan, nor Newkirk moved. They were just standing there motionless, with jaws dropped, staring at the commandant.
Firing squad…at dawn…I'm going to be shot? Newkirk tried to process what he had heard through his mind. He felt dizzy, his head was spinning. A firing squad for an April fool hoax?
Colonel Hogan was the first one to find his voice again and piped up: "Kommandant!" But he was cut off by Klink immediately who yelled: "What? You think I can't do it? You are sadly mistaken. Believe me, nothing easier than that." "You can't be serious!" Hogan shot back. Suddenly Kommandant Klink flashed a smile as smug as Colonel Hogan had never seen before. Klink was satisfied that Newkirk had started to look somewhat green to the face himself. He said: "Of course I'm not serious. April, April! Corporal Newkirk receives thirty days in the cooler, starting immediately."
Newkirk still felt sick and uneasy, but he was so relieved that all he felt able to do was let out a little silent sigh in response.
Colonel Hogan, however, understood the change in Klink's attitude as the perfect opening for a discussion. He wanted to see if he could get his mischievous corporal out of this with a more lenient punishment. Newkirk barely managed to listen. He heard his CO say something about Klink being so generous and famous for his marvelous sense of humour. Something about being a father figure to the men was said as well. But this time these arguments didn't reduce the sentence considerably. So Colonel Hogan lay it on thick and spoke about how Newkirk just wanted to honor German traditions and send Klink into the month of April properly. He added that Newkirk was just a boy whose prank went unintentionally a little bit too far and then returned back to the argument of the generous father figure. Somehow Colonel Hogan started to get somewhere with Klink. Having heard so much about his virtues and how the prisoners were looking up to him, the kommandant began to feel the dignity of a father to the men. He straightened up and showed the upright bearing of a soldier derived from a long line of Prussian officers. It was definitely a good sign that Colonel Hogan was on the right track.
Still, there were a few things Kommandant Klink desperately needed to know and he couldn't hold the question pressing the most back any longer "Is the dye poisonous?"
A surprisingly meek voice coming from Newkirk answered him: "No, sir, it's harmless, it was only food colouring."
Reassured Klink demanded to know, "how long will it take before the dye will wash off and I look like myself again?" Colonel Hogan suppressed the grin that was starting to form on his face. He knew how much the kommandant was in love with his own reflection. Newkirk had certainly attacked at the weakest point, Klink's vanity.
It took some time but eventually both Newkirk and Hogan succeeded in convincing Klink that all would be back to normal in just a few days. Colonel Hogan promised that none of the prisoners would ever say another word about this incident. As soon as the colour was off, it would be as if nothing had ever happened. Finally, Kommandant Klink came to the decision - or was it Colonel Hogan? – that Newkirk would stay as long in the cooler as it took to regain his natural skin colour.
Sergeant Schultz took Newkirk gently by his arm and led him off to the cooler. Colonel Hogan walked with them. He knew there wasn't much time for a heart to heart talk, but before he could say anything he was surprised to hear Newkirk's voice, "I can't believe I fell for the same ruddy trick twice. First you with the court-martial and then Klink with the bloody firing squad. He almost gave me a bleeding heart-attack, he did."
Despite himself the CO started to smile. Obviously Newkirk had learned nothing from this. So he said: "He could have done that, you know. Any other kommandant of a POW camp in the Third Reich probably would have executed you. What made you do such a thing?" Newkirk just shrugged before he answered: "Guess I just don't know any better, sir."
Colonel Hogan couldn't help sighing at this response. It was still morning and yet felt like a long day already. To the corporal he added: "Is there any chance you will ever learn to behave?" Newkirk, however, had already returned to feeling very satisfied with himself. I pulled off an April fool hoax that the whole camp enjoyed and got away with a ridiculously lenient punishment. Bloody marvellous!
He finally remembered to answer Colonel Hogan's question, "you can take the child off the street, governor, …," then he left it at that and gave his CO one of his best smirks before the cell door closed.