Hey guys. Here is the first Chapter. I am not that happy with Sam and Ed's conversation. If you got any ideas to improve… I know some of it might be a bit unrealistic… I hope I didn't repeat anything too much. If your unhappy I am looking forward to your reviews for improvement. My mother tongue isn't English so it is a bit difficult sometimes….

Chapter 1

"Shit", Ed cursed loudly, "I didn't mean to say that into his face."

"Ed what did you do" Spike exclaimed "I know we don't really want him here, but that was a bit harsh. Did you see his face?"

"Look, I am sorry that wasn't nice, but he deserved to know what we think of him" Ed said a bit annoyed that he lost control of himself like that.

"Ed, I think you should go and apologize. You know as well as I do that we have to work with him in the future and it is going to be difficult if you don't apologize" Greg stated, worried what this was going to do to the team and angry that Ed said something so cruel to the young man. "Even if we don't like him that much, nobody deserves to hear something like that from anyone.

"I will apologize first thing on Monday morning. I really didn't mean to say that. I don't know why he always gets me so riled up." Ed said.

"Ed, I think you should go to his apartment right now and apologize. You don't know how your words might affect him, he is quite good at covering his emotions and we barely know him. If you wait until Monday, he might do something stupid and resign. I know some of you would be happy if he quit, but I don't think we should part on bad terms. It may come back to bite us in the future."

"Right so I will go now, see you later. Depending on how our talk goes, I might convince him to come back today."

After Sam, had stormed from debrief, he rushed into the locker room, changed and went home with his bike.

The words Ed had said turned in his head. He didn't want to quit. He would kill himself before quitting, this job was the only thing worth living for in his live. He couldn't live without his job. Ed didn't know how close to the edge he has come in the last few months since Matt. They clearly don't want him around, maybe he should make their wish come true...

As soon as he was home, he put his bike into the bike rack. After he openend his door, he went to his closet and opened the gun case. He was just looking at the gun. It was his usual routine everyday he thought about taking the gun out, but usually he just left it in there and cried himself to sleep.

But today was different, he knew he shouldn't take Ed's words to heart as he barely knew Sam. But right now, the only ones he was spending time with was Team One and if they didn't want him anymore who would?

So today when he opened the gun case, he took the gun outside into his hand. Walking to the couch, snatching the photo of Matt and him in their happy days, from the picture shelf, he sat down with his gun still in his hand. He looked at the picture, they were both laughing. It was probably one of the only photos that existed of him truly laughing. His only happy memories where with Matt, there was a time when he was younger, before his sister Haley died, he had been happy then. His sweet sister Haley, she was such a sweetheart. His family had been whole, but he went on and ruined that too. He destroyed the two most important people in his live.

So here he was sitting with his gun in his hand. Was this really what he wanted? Well not really but he didn't see another way. He couldn't face them anymore. He can't go on living like this, it was too hard. He couldn't live himself anymore. Ed was right. It would be best if he just disappeared. Sure he hadn't said that, but he probably meant it. He couldn't even blame Ed.

Tears started to run from his eyes as he made his decision, slowly loaded his gun like has been ingrained in him for a long time. Then he lifted it slowly and gently pushed it against his temple. He breathed in and out. Who had known that today would be the day he would die? He tried to prepare himself to pull the trigger, but how do you count down the seconds of your live? He was surprised it was harder to pull the triggr than he thought, so he slowly started to count down from ten.

Ed was on his way to Sam's apartment to apologize for the harsh words he had said to the younger man earlier. He started feeling a bit sorry for the way he had yelled at Sam.

He remembered how shell shocked Sam had looked when he had been dressing him down. He had looked like a little lost boy. The longer he thought about it, the guiltier he got. How could he tell his team to connect, respect and protect, if he couldn't manage that simple task with their rookie? Usually he gave every rookie a chance, but he hadn't with Sam. He didn't know anything about him, he hadn't been fair to Sam. He had judged him based on what someone else said. Suddendly he realised how bad he had failed Sam. He couldn't blame the team, he was team leader after all. They just followed his example.

He had never been to Sam's apartment, another failure of his, he had never asked Sam to join the team after shift. He didn't even know his birthdate for god's sake. Usually the team knew that after one day with a new teammate. So, he had to look up the address.

When he pulled up in front of Sam's apartment, he stopped before getting out and thought what he was going to say to Sam and wondered if Sam would accept his apology. He probably wouldn't if he was Sam. Thy had treated him horrible, but he would try his hardest to convince him. He got out of the car, slowly walking towards the entrance. He mentally prepared himself for his task.

He was lifting his hand to knock on the door, looking through the window at the same time.

Midway to the door his hand froze. Through the window, you could see a part of the living room. On the couch with his back to him sat Sam with a gun in his hand.

He was frozen on the spot. He couldn't move.

Suddendly Sam raised the gun to his temple. Gladly his finger wasn't on the trigger yet.

Sam was about to kill himself and probably it was his fault. If he had been a better team leader, Sam would have never gotten to this point. Ed felt the full force of the guilt hit him. What had he done? All these thoughts flashed through his mind in a few seconds. When he saw that Sam's finger was hovering over the trigger, he was shaken out of his trance. Bevor he could do the unthinkable. Ed quickly raised his hand and knocked at the door, while stepping away from the window.

He waited. He didn't even know if Sam would open. After some seconds, he could hear Sam's rough voice from inside.

"I am coming just a minute."

After a few minutes the door opens and Ed was facing Sam. He could clearly see the stains of tears on his teammates cheek and he felt even more guilty, if that was even possible.

When Sam had heard the knock at the door, he had sighed he would have to wait with this until after his visitor had left.

After calling out, he quickly went to the bathroom and tried to clear away the tear stains on his face.

He was wondering who it could be. It wasn't like he had any friends in the area that could come over. Probably it was Mrs. Smith from next door who wanted some sugar.

He opened the door.

"Ed what are you doing here" Sam stammered surprised.

A thousand thoughts went through his head. What was Ed doing here maybe he wants my resignation right now or wants to put me down some more. He didn't even care, he is at his lowest anyway and when he is dead he won't have to worry about that anymore.

Ed looked at the surprised face Sam made.

"Look Sam can I come in we need to talk!" Ed said and tried his best not to sound to shocked by what he had witnessed through the window.

"I think you said all that you had to say." Sam said and you could clearly hear the angry and hurt undertone in his voice.

"No Sam, I shouldn't have said all that stuff before in debrief. I didn't mean it like that."

"Sure, you meant it or you wouldn't have said it. Don't you think I don't feel that you all don't want me in your team. Believe me I know." Sam stated angry" I don't know what I have done to make you all hate me, whatever I don't even care anymore."

" Sam please can I come in? We must talk about this! I know we made mistakes. No wait you can't blame them. I did the mistakes. I am team leader, they just follow my example. And I totally messed up. It is all my fault. I am so sorry. Please let me in." Ed begged. He wouldn't leave until he was sure that Sam wouldn't kill himself minutes after he leaves.

" What if I don't let you in?" Sam challenged.

"I won't leave until I can come in and we have talked about this." Ed said determined.

Sam could see the look in Ed's eyes. Ed was stubborn and he probably won't leave for some time.

"Let's just get this over with" he stated and let Ed inside.

"Let's sit on the couch. Do you want a beer or some water?"

"I'll go with water thanks, since I am technically still on shift."

Sam left the room to go into the kitchen and Ed sat onto the sofa. As soon as he had entered the living room Ed could see the gun lying on the table. He sat onto the sofa and he saw a picture of Sam and a man, lying next to the gun. Both where in army suits and had a huge smile on their face. Ed had never seen Sam smile like that. He put the picture down and Sam came back with the water and sat down next to him.

"So, what do you want to talk about" Sam said and you could hear the slight tremble in his voice.

"I came to apologize for what I said in debrief. I didn't mean it. It's just when I get angry I sometimes lose control of myself and say thinks I don't mean. On my way, over here, I suddendly realised that we never gave you a chance and treated you horrible. I am so sorry. I messed up big time."

" Well I don't even know why you were angry today. I didn't do anything wrong this time." Sam said. He could feel that this was going to get emotional.

" You know that's the problem with me. I sometimes explode about stupid small things. I am quite a stubborn man and I had this first impression of you that you were the shoot first don't talk military type. So instead of being a good team leader, I didn't help you overcome your rookie mistake. I just got angry all the time and didn't trust you. Even though I probably realised after some time in the back of my mind that I was doing you wrong. Like I said I can be quite stubborn. Well and today instead of asking why you zoned out, because I know enough about you that you wouldn't dream about on the job, if lives are at risk, I just got angry again. But then we had to focus on the call, so I started to repress my rage and when you came back from SIU, I just saw red and well you know the rest. I know I hurt you with what I said and did since you started. Just so you know I intend to change my behaviour, if you can ever forgive me."

"Wow really? That was the reason you said all these things. Just because you thought I was the stereotype soldier and didn't like my mistakes?" Sam said stunned.

"You know what, I think I am going to resign on Monday. I can't deal with all this emotional stuff. I just want to do my job and protect innocent lives. But I guess I can't do my job, if you don't trust me. You can have my written resignation on Monday." Sam murmured barely audible, looking at the floor.

"No! You're not going to do that! All of this wasn't your fault. It was mine. I should start to work on my temper and judgement. Despite what it seems we need you on are team..."

Sam's sarcastic laugh interrupted his speech.

"As if you still need me. You said yourself that everyone wants me to leave. I wasn't even surprised about what you said. It's not like anyone else ever wanted me around, so it isn't your fault. It's just my fate that nobody wants me, to punish me for everyone I have killed. I don't even deserve for you to be nice to me. I probably don't even deserve to live at all. Maybe you should arrest me for murder, that would be what I deserve. I am a killer after all." Sam shouted loudly.

Ed just looked at him stunned. He didn't expect the outburst. Realising that Sam probably didn't have anyone and he thinks team one just confirmed his thoughts that nobody wants him

"Sam, I know we didn't treat you that nice the past few weeks, but you have to give us some time. It's not that we don't want you. We made some mistakes. We just need some time. And don't you dare say that you deserve to go to prison. Without knowing you that well, I can tell that you're a good man. You haven't got any reason to go to prison."

"I would deserve prison for what I did to Matt, I am sure Patrick told you all about it."

"Whose Matt?" Ed asked a bit surprised that Sam changed to Patrick.

Sam winced and murmured: "He was my best friend. The only one that ever wanted to do anything with me."

"You said was, what happened to him? Ed questioned.

"Didn't Patrick tell you?"

"No, he didn't, so do tell what happened." He could see in Sam's eyes that he wouldn't tell him so he added" That's an order Braddock."

" When I was in JTF-2. I was sniping a mile out and got a target zone to eliminate everyone in that area. I got the all clear from my superior and killed everyone, but when we went down to do IDs o-one of the-em was Matt." Sam said getting more and more quiet.

"He shouldn't have been there. I was cleared to fire. But he was there and I killed him. I killed the only person that ever cared about me. He was my best friend and I murdered him. I am a killer, how could I do that? I don't deserve to be happy. I should rot in hell for what I did. Who would kill his best friend? You know in the middle ages, people would get hanged for killing a friend in cold blood. I would probably deserve that too. Now you all probably hate me even more if that's even possible. You didn't trust me before so that's not going to change. I can't even blame you for not trusting me. My unit didn't trust me anymore after Matt and they used to be my friends. I thought things would be different on Team One, but I guess I was wrong. I just wanted to be a part of something, but I guess it is too much to ask. Maybe it is a punishment for what I did. I don't deserve to be happy so why even try." Sam was getting louder and louder again throughout his speech.

"I would probably be easier to just end everything" he added quietly in the end, not wanting Ed to hear. But Ed heard every word and he felt like being stabbed. He was shocked to see Sam lose it like this, he usually hid his emotions quiet well, it need a lot to throw him of track. So, hearing him speak like this was quite sad. He felt so guilty of what they did to Sam and he was angry at Patrick for putting things into his head and at Sam's unit for not trusting him anymore, but most of all he was angry at himself for not seeing how tormented his rookie was.

Now it was clear to him why Sam was sitting at home with a gun to his head. The guilt at killing his friend is something you don't get over in some weeks and Sam didn't have any other friends to turn too.

"Sam look at me" Sam looked at the floor. "Sam look at me" Slowly he lifted his gaze.

"You need to listen to me carefully. What happened with Matt wasn't your fault. You aren't a killer, it wasn't dour fault, you were cleared to fire. The fault lies with your superior who gave the all clear order. You know I made some mistakes when you came to the team. Not only me, but the whole team let how you joined us cloud our judgement and we treated you differently. Then I made the mistake of listening to what Patrick said. He told me to watch my team mate's backs if you are around. And I just believed him instead of asking you what he meant. You didn't deserve what we put you through. I am a horrible team leader. You will probably never forgive us for what we did to you, but you have to know that everything that happened WASN'T your fault." Ed said and looked at Sam with a fierce glaze, trying to convince him.

Sam was stunned, utterly stunned. Ed hadn't known the whole story about Matt, but now he knows and he doesn't blame him. He even apologized for how they treated him.

"Ed it's okay, I don't blame you. Like I said I would have probably reacted the same. It will take some time but eventually I will trust you."

"Really?" now it was Ed's turn to be stunned." You know I am going to change the way I treated you. I can't promise I won't yell at you anymore, because I am a hothead sometimes and act bevor thinking. But I will try my best, just don't take it to personal if I get angry. It's just who I am. The rest of the team will change as well. I am going to talk to them afterwards. They are good people they just copied my treatment cause that's what they do, but once they realise their mistake they will probably feel guilty and try to change too. You know if I could change what happened, I would."

"You know you can't change the past, let's just start new on Monday and look how it goes."

"You could really just start new and forget about are treatment. I don't think I could forgive someone that quickly for something like that." Ed stated surprised.

"I know it will probably take some time for us to earn each other's trust. As for the rest, you apologized on your own so that means you realized your mistakes and that is all it takes for me to forgive you." Sam said. "It's not like I can get disappointed, if I don't have expectations."

Inside he thought, I can still kill myself if Ed's promises turn out wrong.

Ed looked at his rookie, he misjudged the man so bad it hurt. But he was going to make things right again.

"Sam I am going to do my best to make things right again. I have badly misjudged you and let my vision get clouded and pulled the whole team with me. But I am going to talk things threw with the others. It wasn't their fault. They usually just trust my judgement, but this time I misjudged you. I am so sorry for putting you through all this… You know what I have an idea. The weekend starts tomorrow, how about you come to my house in the evening. I will invite the others as well and we can have a barbecue and start to get to know each other. It's not much to make up for how we treated you, but it's a start. I can't promise that the others will come, but I will try my best to convince them."

Sam was touched by Ed's words and he felt the tears starting to build. It had been a long time since someone had invited him to a barbecue. No, he wasn't going to cry in front of Ed, he swallowed and tried to stop the tears from falling.

"Okay that sounds great I'll be there at 6 if that's good."he answerd with a slight tremble in his voice. He was still overwhelmed by the 180 degree change of the day: 1 hour ago he wanted to kill himself and now for the first time since Matts death, he had hope that everything would turn for the better.

"Yeah that is fine. You know what? How about we meet up tomorrow morning at headquarters to work on your negotiating skills, cause if I am honest you suck at negotiating." Ed said, hoping to change the conversation to a lighter tone. He had seen the tears in Sam's eyes and didn't want him to feel embarrassed for crying.

Sam smirked "Well, at least I don't need to work on my sniper skills."

"Are you saying my sniper skills aren't good enough" Ed exclaimed with some fake annoyment.

Sam laughed but inside he was cringing, afraid that he overdid his luck and Ed would get angry and everything we'll go back to before. "I didn't say they aren't good enough, but they could be better." He quickly said.

Ed laughed "You just watch out Braddock, questioning your TLs skills is a dangerous path. But maybe we could both help each other with improving our skill."

Sam relaxed a bit glad that Ed was loosening up a bit on him and didn't take it personal.

"Okay lets meet up tomorrow."

"So, what are you doing with the rest of your day?" Ed asked a bit cautiously, he suddendly remembered what he had seen through the window.

Sam hesitated" Well I was planning on seeing Matt, but I think I won't do that today. Probably I'll go biking to clear my head a bit, maybe I visit his grave after that. Do you think that's okay or should I come back to HQ, to finish shift?"

"No I will tell Greg I gave you the rest of the day off. You have a lot to think about. I need to go back to HQ now or they will send a search party after me. I hope you will be okay after our talk."

Ed was relieved he didn't miss the difference Sam made between seeing and visiting Matt.

"I am not okay yet. But I will be after I clear my head a bit. Thanks for coming to set things right. I think otherwise I would have done some things that I would have regretted later." Sam said thinking a bit relieved that Ed showed up when he did and hadn't come any later or he would have only found his body and it would have been too late.

"Well we can't have you giving up on us just yet." Ed said, relieved as well that he hadn't come by after shift.

"Yeah I will try. You should probably go now. See you tomorrow morning."

Sam said and suddendly Ed pulled him into a hug.

"You know Sam, you said you didn't have anyone. Well you have me know and I am going to watch out for you. You can call me anytime if you need help or someone to talk to. Got it? "Ed said fiercely.

Sam swallowed hard to stop the tears from falling. He was surprised how good the hug felt. He hadn't gotten any hug for ages. He could feel his broken soul start to heal. He pulled back and looked at Ed.

"Thanks, I really appreciate it."He said with misty eyes.

"No problem. See you tomorrow"

After he closed the door behind Ed, Sam went to the sofa and sat down. His thoughts were spinning. It has been a hell of an emotional day. He had done his first sniper shot since Matt, nearly offed himself and kind of formed some sort of start of a friendship with Ed.

He took the gun into his hand and looked at it, then he put it back on the table and got his gun case from the closet. He sat back on the sofa and took the gun into his hand again. Looked at it for a moment and then he put it back into the gun case, determined to make the best of his new chance with Ed. He was looking forward to tomorrow and he was hoping that it will work out with the team.

Unknown to Sam, Ed was watching through the window, feeling a weight falling from his shoulder, when he saw Sam putting the gun back in its case.

After that he went to his car and drove off. Not too keen of his new task to convince the others to give Sam a chance. He was hoping that he could convince them, it was Sam's live he was playing with. He was quite sure that if the others won't treat him better then Sam won't get any better emotionally. He was worried that if they wouldn't help him that Sam would still be suicidal.

While they were talking, he started to develop a sense of protectiveness for the younger man. He would do all in his power to protect Sam. Even from his own team. With those thoughts in his head he parked his car and went to confront his team.

Wow I finally did it... I hope it wasn't too much talking for you. The action will come later.

Next chapter: Ed talks with the team. How will they react?

I am looking forward to your reviews.