A/N - I know I said no daily updates, but the last chapter (and this one) are rather short... comparatively speaking... and I wrote two chapters over the past two and a half days so I'm well ahead still! This chapter was brutal to write... as most of this fic has been... I know I love to write angst, but I'm a mom myself and thinking about the pain Shepard (and Kaidan) have to endure through these events hits really close to home :-/ I hope you'll be happy with the results...
Thank you so much for the awesome feedback Gabe97, eve, AirForceBrat, spaceconveyor, and Lyv! It's nice to have you back and hope you continue to enjoy the story :-) To everyone else out there reading, following, favoriting, I see you and appreciate it too!
As always, all credit goes to Bioware, and my eternal thanks to StoneburntHeart for her... everything!
The shock of the Reaper attack left Kaidan frozen in stunned shock for long seconds before the repetitive urgent cry of 'find Shepard' ringing in his brain finally sent him into determined motion. His eyes searched the destruction around him for either any sign of her or any able-bodied survivors he could recruit to his cause until they settled on the startled and shock-glazed face of the marine he had dismissed without thought moments before. He noted with no surprise that the man was held motionless in the same shock that had stunned Kaidan and he drew the now-familiar mantle of command around himself and felt his shoulders straighten with its resolve. He walked to the young man and hoped that he wouldn't have to ruin the effect by having to resort to a 'hey you' to get the guy's attention – why hadn't he bothered to ask his name? As he approached, the man made Kaidan's life easier and met his eyes with his own wide unfocused ones. Kaidan spoke in a tone that he knew would snap the soldier out of his stupor and into the familiar habits of following orders.
"Marine – name and rank," Kaidan barked in command - not request.
"Vega, First Lieutenant James," the marine replied, snapping to attention and awareness and Kaidan nodded to see that his sharp form of address had had the desired affect.
"Lieutenant Vega," Kaidan echoed, "We are under attack by the Reapers." Give the facts, state them clearly, leave no opportunity for question or comment, Kaidan told himself. "We need to find the one person qualified to defend Earth from this enemy – Commander Shepard." Make sure she's safe, protect her, get her out of here, the voice in his head added its own orders.
"Sir, yes, sir!" Vega responded and gave a salute.
"At ease, Lieutenant," Kaidan drawled and allowed a slight smile. "Let's move." He motioned toward the doors that had closed behind Shepard and cut off his last sight of her and headed out on point. They were still picking through the debris in the Committee antechamber minutes later when a voice came over Alliance com channels.
"This is Admiral Anderson. Report in, anyone."
Kaidan opened the com and ignored all deference of rank and responded, "Anderson? Is Shepard safe?" she had been with Anderson when he saw her last.
"Commander Alenko, is that you?" Anderson replied, "What's your status?"
"Just outside the doors and trying to dig our way through to you, Sir," Kaidan told him, finally snapping into chain of command.
"Belay that, Commander," the Admiral barked back, "I can't reach the Normandy. I need you to get to her. We'll meet you at the landing zone."
The Normandy? Kaidan echoed in his thoughts even as he turned back to the spaceport to follow orders. Apparently the Admiral had a plan... he had noted the 'we' Anderson used and clung to it as his only hope that Shepard was still alive. He just hoped whatever the Admiral had in mind kept her – and the rest of them – that way.
As they ran as fast as they could given the obstacles of burning debris and collapsed structures that constantly inhibited their progress, Vega spoke casually to Kaidan.
"So how do you know the Commander?" he asked in a voice filled with curiosity and a hint of reproach, Kaidan thought.
"It's a very long story, Lieutenant," Kaidan answered dismissively.
"Been standing watch at her door for six months; haven't seen you once," Vega continued. "Can't help being curious."
Kaidan paused their progress and met the other man's eyes. "Did the Commander have many visitors?" he asked neutrally.
"Well... no," Vega answered although his face reflected his confusion at Kaidan's intent. "She didn't have any visitors."
"Then why make an issue that I wasn't one of them?" Kaidan pressed his point, even as he shoved aside the hurt at the thought of Shepard being all alone for six months. It didn't surprise him to hear it, but he couldn't help his reaction.
"The way you looked at her," the lieutenant answered him, "and the way she looked at you. That's not a casual thing."
"As I said, Lieutenant," Kaidan said through clenched teeth. "It's a long story. And we don't really have time for it now."
Vega had the grace to actually look rather abashed and fell in behind Kaidan as they continued forward with no further comment. They had nearly reached the Normandy's docking bay when Anderson's voice came over coms again.
"Commander, you read me?" he barked.
"Yes, sir," Kaidan replied.
"I'm patching Shepard in now," Anderson said and Kaidan's heart skipped a beat before it settled into a rhythm that was lighter than before. Shepard was alive. She was safe. For now. That's all that counted.
"We're almost to the Normandy," Kaidan reported, "I've got Lieutenant Vega with me."
"Acknowledged," came the crisp reply – from Shepard not Anderson. Kaidan knew her well enough to know that she had spoken more to reassure him than to actually give a reply to his report.
The com channel went dead again and Kaidan opened the door in front of him and got his first sight of the Normandy SR2 in over six months – newly retrofitted and flying Alliance colors. He rushed forward to the frigate that had been more than just his place of work. The cargo bay doors swooshed open and welcomed him home.
#-#-#
Shepard tried to set aside the confusion of her swirling emotions and concentrate on nothing but the husks in front of her. She had thought after hearing Kaidan's voice and assuring his safety – and him of hers – that she'd be able to think again but instead the relief had been a short-lived respite and the wave of horror-guilt-panic-fear-anger swept back over her and threatened to drown her mere seconds later. She had spent the last six months trying to block out the memory of that blinking red clock over the doors to Project Base on that damn rock that had changed her life in ways she was still trying to understand all this time later. That clock had horrified her with its incessant blinking countdown. When she returned to Earth, effectively a war criminal in all but actual charges, that clock had haunted her. She had spent countless days trying to imagine how much time she had added to it with her brutal choice, but she had never kidded herself that it had stopped. The Reapers were coming, it was only a question of when. Having her prediction confirmed in blood and death today was a cold satisfaction that Shepard would have gladly forgone.
She took another deep breath and threw another punch at the husk that approached. They were out of ammo, but it didn't matter. She was a biotic – she was always armed – and at least in this she didn't need to think. Her body may have fallen out of the practice of regular combat, but her muscles remembered, and her instinct was sharp. The husks fell quickly although Shepard felt nothing at her victory. Just another task complete. She ran through the entrance to the decimated building to follow Anderson but a sound to her left distracted her. She noticed a ventilation shaft in that direction and approached it cautiously, noting that the vent cover had been dislodged and laid on the floor in front of the opening. She crouched down and peered into the vent and gasped in her breath when she saw the child huddled just out of her reach.
A new wave of emotion swept over her and brutally tossed her against its sharp edges. From the moment she had stood in the Committee chamber and watched the Reaper descend through the wall of glass, she had firmly shut the door in her mind and concentrated all her effort on blocking out all thought of one thing – Caleb. Fear for her son was the one emotion she couldn't force herself to function through so she had brutally cut herself off from any thought of him and gone through the motions even while sacrificing herself to the constant battery of other (lesser) emotions in order to keep that fear at bay. Now, with this other boy's frightened face this close to her but still as much out of reach as her own son, that door flew open and the fear stormed through and paralyzed her. She knew this boy wasn't Caleb – she had watched him playing in the courtyard below her cell's window often enough and recognized him because of that now – but he was someone's child. And he was scared and alone and she was someone's mother and she found herself stunned for long moments before she could speak.
"Hey, it's ok," she said softly when she finally found her voice.
"Everyone's dying," the child said with tears and fear in his voice.
She felt anger that this innocent child – he must only be a few years older than Caleb – had already had to see pain and death but she shoved it aside.
"Come here," she said to the boy, stretching out her hand and noted its trembling. She tried to keep her voice as calm and soothing as possible in an effort to not scare him any further. "I need to get you someplace safe. Take my hand," she pleaded as he continued to retreat from her, farther into the shaft.
"You can't help me," he answered in a voice that mocked the one in her head telling her the same thing.
"Shepard!" Anderson's sharp voice her drew her attention and she turned her head to see the Admiral standing just inside the door behind her. "In here," he ordered once he had her attention.
Shepard turned her head back to the child and saw the vent was empty – he had apparently crawled away while her back was turned. She wiped away the single tear that slid down her cheek and turned to follow Anderson.
#-#-#
Kaidan was strapped in the copilot's seat of the Normandy watching Joker's hands fly over the helm controls as he took the frigate through stomach-churning maneuvers in an effort to dodge the Reaper forces littering the sky with a combination of fascination and grim satisfaction. It never ceased to amaze him that a man so challenged by his disease that mere walking was a risky endeavor could pilot a warship with such talent and skill that put men twice his strength to shame, but he thanked whatever deity existed that the Normandy was in Flight Lieutenant Moreau's hands now. There was no doubt in his mind that they would have crashed three times over if a less capable pilot sat to his left. He stared out the viewport in horror at the devastation around them. If there was hope to be had, he couldn't see it. Earth was burning and they were in the middle of the inferno.
"Commander Alenko," Anderson's voice called over the com and startled both men, "We're in sight of the spaceport. ETA: three minutes."
"Roger that, sir," Kaidan acknowledged. "I'm with the Normandy, but we're taking heavy fire." His eyes took in a new sight through the viewport. "Oh God," he cried with renewed horror. "They're gonna take down that dreadnought – evasive maneuvers," he ordered Joker.
Joker's hands flew over the helm controls again as he complied and the Normandy narrowly avoided the massive explosion port-side. Only then did he lean over and deliberately and demonstratively press the button in front of Kaidan to close the com channel.
"You know that went out over coms, right, Kaidan?" Joker said with a bit of a grin.
"Oh well," Kaidan replied with a laugh at his own expense, "I suppose there are worse things Anderson could have heard."
"I still have several videos of you and Shepard from the good old Cerberus days," Joker replied.
"And I believe that Shepard still has her shotgun," Kaidan replied studying his nails casually.
"Ok, you win," Joker conceded and then turn back to the helm to avoid a new threat.
Unfortunately, the tension that they had managed to relieve crept back with a vengeance when they heard Anderson's next transmission.
"Normandy, we're going to reroute. Do you copy?"
Reroute was code for things had gone fubar and Kaidan felt the fear rise again for a moment until he retroactively noted the plural pronoun with relief.
Joker opened the com channel to reply but shook his head. Anderson's transmission in return was garbled.
"Coms are out," Joker reported needlessly. Kaidan nodded but continued fruitless efforts at the control panel in front of him until Anderson's voice filled the cockpit again long minutes later.
"Normandy, this is Anderson, do you read?"
"Admiral," Kaidan replied after changing to the new channel, "What's your location?"
"By a downed gunship in the harbor," Anderson answered, "I'm activating its distress beacon."
Seconds later, Kaidan and Joker noted a new red blip on the ladar. Joker nodded at the silent wave of Kaidan's hand and moved to steer the Normandy toward the red dot in compliance.
"Send support," Anderson ordered, "We've got wounded down here."
"Acknowledged," Kaidan tried to confirm but the com was out again, "Anderson?" he called as he worked to improve the signal. He beat his fists against the panel in angry frustration.
"You better head below-deck," Joker said flatly with no comment at the display, "We're going in hot and they'll need cover fire."
Kaidan sighed and nodded. He pulled in the reins of his temper, unstrapped, and stood to take Joker's suggestion.
#-#-#
They were out of ammo again, Shepard thought grimly as she ducked back into cover and narrowly avoided a rain of bullets from the batarian-shaped Reaper ahead of her. She had tried not to think of the implications – or of her complicity in them – of why these new types of ground troops looked that way. It was just another fact to file away, another thing she'd deal with later. Now, she needed to worry about whether her biotics alone would be enough to hold off the wave after wave of enemies that constantly crashed in front of them.
It was lucky that she had spent time practicing with both Jack and Kaidan in between missions during their hunt for the Collectors and she'd picked up a few new tricks – and she'd had nothing better to do for six months in detention than work on mastering them. She threw shockwave after shockwave at the advancing Reapers and gave thanks to Jack as they toppled under the force of it. She picked off unsuspecting enemies that crouched behind cover with strong Reaves and thanked Kaidan for teaching her the frightful skill. And when the coast was clear enough, she charged groups that huddled together searching for their target and finished them off by discharging her own barrier in strong nova waves and was grateful that even after six months of inactivity, she was still Commander fucking Shepard.
Finally, when she felt the exhaustion of using so much biotic power in such a short time and in such desperate circumstances threaten to overwhelm her, the welcome voice of a long-lost friend sent new energy of relief shooting through her.
"The Calvary has arrived," Joker announced.
Shepard looked up to see the Normandy's welcome sight looming on the horizon.
"Let's go," she called to Anderson and took off at a dead run for that tangible safety just ahead. When she was close enough to see the cargo bay door gaping ahead and Kaidan's oh-so-welcome figure standing guard, assault rifle in hand, she surged forward with renewed speed. There was still a sizable gap between the Normandy and the ground below but she saw Kaidan nod just before she jumped and was caught safely in his pull and lowered to the frigate's floor seconds later. It was a procedure they'd now performed so many times it was getting common. He braced his hands on her arms to steady her and she nodded in thanks.
"Welcome aboard, Shepard," he said quietly as she looked up at him.
"Thanks," she replied softly but then she turned out of his arms to look back at Anderson. He was still standing below them, watching the exchange with a grim look.
"Come on," Shepard called, urging him to jump too.
"I'm not going," Anderson replied firmly.
"What?" she questioned, sure she hadn't heard him right over the roar around them. "We need to get somewhere safe, set up an HQ, plan our strategy for counterattack," Find my son, she added silently.
She read the comprehension in the eyes that met hers. He knew what she had at stake, and he was resolved anyway. She sighed and prepared to give in and ask his next orders when he spoke and shattered her world.
"I'm not going," he repeated firmly, "but you're not staying."
"What?" she cried again, and this time it was in alarm and growing dread.
"You saw those men back there," he said reminding her of the crew of the downed gunship they had encountered during their harrowing escape. "There's a million more like them, and they need a leader. But this is a fight we can't win alone. We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers." He paused and stepped closer and lowered his voice slightly, "I need you two to go to the Council. Talk to them. Convince them to help us."
"Anderson," she argued, unwilling to hear him no matter how much sense he made, "I can't leave. I can't go to the Council."
"You have to, Shepard," Anderson replied ignoring the plea in her eyes.
"Caleb – my son – I can't leave my son," Shepard was nearly begging now, and tears filled her eyes. She felt Kaidan's hands slide onto her shoulders and felt his strength behind her in support.
"We can't leave Earth," Kaidan's voice echoed her thoughts.
Anderson studied them both for long moments and Shepard saw the pain in his eyes. He knew more than anyone how hard they had fought to finally be a family. He had been a father to her not just during the difficult time after Kaidan's death but for years before that. She loved and respected him more than as just her commanding officer, and she had given Caleb his middle name in honor of that bond. It hurt more than words could express to see her father figure determined to drive her away from all she loved now.
"I know how difficult this is for both of you," Anderson finally spoke quietly. "I know what I'm asking of you. And I wouldn't do it if there were any other options. But if we don't get help, there's no hope for any of us, not just Caleb. I'll stay here and do my best to keep your son safe, but I need the two of you to get us the support we need to drive these bastards back to the hell they came from." His voice hardened into the tone of command, "Go to the Council. Get us help. Get back here and save all of us. And that's an order."
"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?" Shepard threw back at him in a last effort of defiance. She knew it was a losing cause, but she wasn't about to give up lightly.
"Consider yourself reinstated, Commander," Anderson said and then reached in his pocket and threw something in her direction.
She caught it out of instinct then opened her hands and saw she held her own dogtags – stripped of her when she had returned from the Bahak system after what she considered her greatest defeat. She sighed and gave in. She pulled the chain over her head and let the tags fall in their familiar position between her breasts. She turned her head and met Kaidan's eyes and saw his support in them. He'd accept whatever decision she made. She turned back to Anderson and nodded. This was the only other person she would trust implicitly, and he was right. She couldn't deny him, despite her own conflicting emotions.
"I'll be back for you, and I'll bring every fleet I can. Stay safe, and keep our son safe, too," she told him and saw him nod in return.
"You too, Shepard," he responded quietly then walked back the way they had come. She watched him go until a motion in the sky above him caught her attention.
She watched first with exhausted disinterest then growing relief as several Alliance shuttles flew in and retrieved the gunship crew and other stranded survivors. She noted the child from the vents climbing onto the second shuttle and her heart lifted. Perhaps there was hope for Earth. Perhaps she could save these people. Relief and hope turned to horror an instant later as the Reaper's menacing red laser sliced through the first shuttle and destroyed it and continued its destructive path into the second. Both shuttles fell from the sky, just fiery debris now, and Shepard turned away from the sight and into Kaidan's arms. She buried her face against his chest and let him hold her as she stood in passive silence. She didn't weep. The world was on fire, and no amount of tears could quench that inferno.