Cheerio, Mates!
This is the last Harry-free chapter, promise—next installment, we're goin' to Hogwarts!
Hmm…I got a sad amount of reviews last time…maybe I should advertise this on my other fics…or better yet, just double-post it…and nobody likes double-posters do they? So REVIEW!
That is all.
Chapter Two: Today 4 UThe group made their way through the airport, failing miserably at being inconspicuous. Six beautiful vampires and one human girl who (so far) had tripped over the toes of her own sneakers no less than seven times—they weren't exactly easy to miss.
"So…what gate are we a-AAH!" Bella tried to ask, managing to trip over the ONLY banana peel in the ENTIRE airport. Edward caught her just in time.
"Boy, you sure are clumsy today, Bella," Emmett remarked, stifling a chuckle.
"Thanks, Emmett," Bella replied sarcastically. The effect was somewhat ruined, however, when she tripped over a bump in the air, almost fell to the ground, was caught by Edward, tripped over Edward, and fell flat on her back.
"Gosh," said Emmett, "it's almost like someone needs to teach her how to walk!" Edward and Bella both glared at Emmett, but he wouldn't let the joke go.
"Look," said Emmett patronizingly,
"Put one foot in front of the other,
And soon you'll be movin' 'cross the flo-o-or!
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walkin' out the door!"
Alice and Rosalie burst simultaneously into high-pitched giggles. Carlisle looked on disapprovingly.
"Emmett," he said, "we don't need this. In case you hadn't noticed, people are staring at us."
"Exactly!" Emmett exclaimed, "they were staring at us because Bella didn't know how to walk! It's ridiculous, a person not knowing how to walk! You're lucky I taught her!"
Bella continued to pseudo-walk, trying to maintain a dignified silence while simultaneously not tripping or laughing. In the end, she exploded with a gale of laughter that blew her off her feet. She struggled in the air for a moment, Wile E. Coyote style, before landing flat on her back again.
Rosalie was laughing rather cruelly.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
"I'm bored," Bella declared.
They had been in the air for over seven hours so far.
"Er…" said Edward. He leaned over to Jasper and whispered, "What do I do?"
"Make 'em laugh," Jasper replied,
"Make 'em laugh,
Don't ya know, everyone wants to laugh!"
"Right then," said Edward. "Bella?"
"What?" she replied dejectedly.
"Knock knock." She looked at him.
"Who's there?" she sighed.
"You know."
"You know who?"
"Exactly! Avada Kedavra!"
Alice laughed. Bella did not.
"You shouldn't joke about these things, Edward. Not when you know they're real."
"Wow," Emmett muttered, "Bella sure gets cranky when she's bored!"
"Well, Emmett," Bella snapped, "not all of us are so talented at entertaining ourselves."
"Aw, Bella!" Emmett complained,
"Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!"
"Meh," said Bella, settling against Edward's shoulder for a nap.
……………………………………………………………………………………………
"Well, this is it," said Carlisle.
"Volterra, Italy," Jasper affirmed.
"It's beautiful," whispered Bella.
From all around, voices filtered in.
"One short day in the vampire city," they sang.
"Oh!" shouted Bella, "I've always wanted to see the vampire city!"
"One short day in the vampire city
One short day full of so much to do
Every way that you look in the city
A vamp wants to anoint you
Or sometimes exploit you
Before the day's through!"
"There are buildings tall as three-story malls," sang Alice,
"Foreboding castles and birdie calls," Bella added,
"Bloodsuckers! The damned! A hundred strong," Edward reminded them.
The music ground to a halt.
"Aw, Edward," Emmett complained, "my solo was coming up!"
"In that case," Edward retorted, "maybe it's a good thing I stopped it when I did."
"Oh, quit your bickering," Carlisle ordered. "Remember what we're here for."
"Right," Alice agreed, "Let's go and visit the vampire mafia!"
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The troupe met up with Felix, Jane and Alec, who proceeded to lead them through the maze of stone corridors leading to the castle, Jane darkly singing,
"Down once more to the dungeon of my dark despair,
Down we plunge to the prison of my mind,
Down once more to that darkness deep as he—"
"Jane, darling?" Alec interrupted, taking his sister's hand, "Do you think you could refrain from all that muttering about? At least while we have guests present?"
"I thought it sounded quite wonderful. Nice forbidding tone, don't you think? Sort of…ominous." Jane glared first at Felix, who nodded hurriedly, then at her brother, who shook his head.
"There's a hole in the world like a deep black pit,
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit"—she looked pointedly at Alec,
"And the vermin of the world inhabit it…"
Alec slapped Jane. "No Sondheim," he scolded. "Not with guests in the house."
Finally they reached the lobby, where, to the Cullens (plus Bella)'s surprise, the human secretary Gianna remained—alive—in the secretary's chair.
"Oh!" Gianna leapt up from her seat and turned to Alec. "Are they going to see Aro?" Alec nodded. Gianna turned to the rest of the party.
"Welcome back—Dr. Cullen, right? Have a seat, all of you—they'll be ready for you in a moment." They sat, Bella clinging nervously to Edward.
"Can I offer you a drink?" Gianna asked Bella, who in turn shot Edward a questioning look.
"It's okay," he murmured.
"Of course it is!" said Gianna, putting on a French accent,
"Be our guests! Be our guests! Put our service to the test!
We've got cold soda, it's delicious
We stick to our little niches
Aro rules,
Jane looks bored
Felix is the bodyguard
Marcus grumbles, Caius complains,
Heidi brings them human dumplings
But don't worry!
Hey, relax!
They will feed on other snacks,
Because while we are your hosts
We will stick right to our posts
You are safe
While you're here
Be our guests!"
"Wow," said Rosalie, "that was unnecessary. Is that why they kept you? Because of your singing voice? 'Cuz if I were them, I'd've eaten you long ago…"
"Rose!" Emmett chided.
"That's okay," said Gianna, "I get that a lot."
"I apologize for my wife," Emmett stage-whispered to her. "I think she was PMS-ing when she got changed."
It was Bella's turn to laugh rather cruelly.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
They waited. And waited. And waited. Just when Bella was about to get up to pee for the third time, one of the sundress-ed vampire ladies who have no names, lines or designated actions in the books came up to Gianna's desk. They whispered together for a moment. The vampire giggled. It went on for a while. Finally, she left, and Gianna called,
"They're ready for you!" to the Cullens (plus Bella). Gianna led them through the other endless expanse of corridors, into the tower room.
Upon seeing them, Aro rose grandly from his throne, spreading his arms magnanimously and smiling adverb.
"Friends—"
"What," interrupted Emmett, "no introductory number?"
"Oh," Aro smiled, "Oh, I shall have my moment in the spotlight. But now is not the time."
"Oh, come on," Gianna begged, "I've already had my solo!"
"Yes, well," Aro grinned again, "Today for you, tomorrow for me." He turned back to the Cullens (plus Bella). "So, what can I do for you today?"
"Well," said Carlisle, "Bella here—"
"Ah, yes," Aro cut in, "The human girl, whom you have so oddly chosen as the object of your protection. As I have said, La tua cantan—"
"We don't need you to wax poetic about her blood, thank you," Edward interrupted tersely.
"Stop being so emo, Edward," Alice said, "we need them on our side."
"Anyway…" said Carlisle, glaring significantly at his children (plus Bella), "We were thinking of…paying a visit to Hogwarts."
"Ah, Hogwarts!" Aro sighed, staring nostalgically at the ceiling, "A true temple of magical education! Why, there were times when—"
"Enough," said Caius quietly. "I suppose you want me to find it for you, huh?"
"Well, Caius, it would be lovely if—" but Aro cut Carlisle off again.
"Of course you will find it for us! A visit to Hogwarts is nothing short of necessary! So many old friends to visit—why, I can't remember how many years it's been since I've seen Dumbledore!"
"And we can't remember how many years it's been since you've washed," Jane muttered darkly.
"Oh, Jane darling!" Aro pinched her cheek. "Won't you come to Hogwarts with us?"
"What's in it for me?"
"Er…a magical wonderland of magic and hope and wonder?"
"No thank you."
"A sadistic Death Eater bent on torturing the Light Side into madness one by one?"
"Maybe…on one condition."
"Name it, dear, and it shall be yours!"
"Everybody present swears on the blood of the unsuspecting tourists of Italy NEVER to call me 'dear' or 'darling' or use any term of endearment in reference to me, myself, I, or Jane Volturi."
"Right then!" Aro clapped. "Everybody raise their right hand and repeat after me!" They obliged. "Right. I swear on the blood of the unsuspecting tourists of Italy, that I shall never call Jane Volturi 'dear' or—Bella, why don't you have your hand raised?" Everybody stared at Bella, who glared pointedly at Jane.
"Do you really think it's necessary to make me swear not to use any terms of endearment on…that?" Jane sneered venomously.
"Now, now, children," Aro reproached, "none of that. Continue to repeat after me. –'darling' or use any other term of endearment on her, so help me Shakespeare." They finished repeating, except for Emmett, who obnoxiously questioned,
"Shakespeare?"
"Oh, yes!" Aro exclaimed, "Shakespeare is my idol! Nothing whiles away the centuries like deciphering the free verse of such an extraordinary writer! It never gets tiresome! Because, you know, since his writing made no more sense to the people of the Elizabethan era than it does to the new generation, there's just so much room for interp—"
"Caius," Marcus drawled, "Will you find Hogwarts, and save us this soporific prattle?"
"Gladly," was Caius' reply. He closed his eyes, concentrated for a moment, and then opened them again. "I think we have our heading!" he shouted.
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Will Marcus and Caius kill 'em with sarcasm? Will Jane be displeased? Will Hogwarts survive Aro Volturi? Will the Hogwarts girls survive Edward Cullen? Find out next time on Harry Potter and the Eclipse of the Crossover: A Musical Comedy Thriller.