Blackened Abyss

She could remember the second he started to pull away from her and it made her want to scream. She wanted to blame it all on Daniel's departure and the affect it had on Jack, but it was more than that. They'd sacrificed basic freedoms of a relationship in order to try to have one and in doing so didn't consider the way it'd turn them against each other. She'd never been one to argue, and yet something about the way he pulled away made her push.

This was one night in a long series of nights they shared her bed and yet despair made its way forward again. It felt sometimes, on days like these, that the only connection between them was the way their bodies moved in perfect unison. Her heart ached at the thought and she rolled to her side with a sad sigh. In the past, he'd have moved with her, his arm over her waist pulling her into him as he slept. She supposed that perhaps this was what hurt the most, the thought that even in his sleep he didn't want to hold her anymore. She couldn't sleep though and slipped from the bed silently. She couldn't run, they were in her house and she had nowhere else to go. Her mind ran through the day, trying to make sense of it all.

"Carter for crying out loud, I don't want to talk about it!"

She flinched at his tone and the use of her surname. They were in the privacy of her living room, and his words stung.

"Jack... I'm not saying I want it right now... I'm just saying that I'm not getting any younger, despite your insistence at my apparent youthful immortality. You were gone for so long, and I had begun to think I would never get you back. I knew that if I ever did, I'd tell you all of this. Everything I'm thinking and feeling."

"Well you did, you rescued me from Ba'al, and you've told me everything you needed to tell me. What the hell do you want from me? I can't promise you a happy future of babies and a white picket fence and a dog. We spend half our time making sure the NID doesn't have the information they need to bring the whole damned SGC down and you want to throw that away to pop out a couple of babies to try to keep this broken, messed up relationship going?"

Tears welled up in her eyes and she dropped the glass she was holding, not bothering to show remorse or regret when it shattered over their bare feet. She turned and walked away from him, ignoring his protests for her to come back to him, that he was sorry, that he didn't mean it. He tried to follow but she went to the bathroom, slammed the door in his face and locked it before he could even think about opening it. She washed the glass and whiskey from her feet, silently letting her tears flow from frustration and despair.

She'd been sitting in her car in the garage for over an hour before he came to find her. He'd heard her close the door quietly as she left the room. Her keys were in the ignition, but the engine was cold and quiet. He walked around to the passenger side and lowered himself in. They sat silently, the air thick with the space between them.

"It isn't just this." She said with a finality that cut through his chest. "We tried, Jack. I tried so damn hard. I want more than this with you but..."

"But I can't give it to you."

"No. Jack. You won't give it to me. There's a difference." Realistically, Sam knew she was being irrational. She couldn't expect him to give her what she wanted right now, and honestly she didn't feel ready to. She'd only really brought it up but she'd promised herself she would, now she desperately wished she could take it back. But, that hypothetical can of worms was open.

Jack said nothing and a moment later he left the car again, cold air flooding in as he stepped out. A while later she heard his truck start outside and back away. Making her way back inside, she fell asleep on the couch until her 0530 alarm told her it was time to start another day.

They interacted in a professional manner, if perhaps slightly colder than the way they'd interacted before. The day was uneventful, a routine exploration followed by a few hours of lab work and it was already far past time to go home. A soft beep from her watch told her it was midnight and she made her way through to the cafeteria to grab a sandwich before trying to get a few hours sleep.

It wasn't necessarily unusual for him to not invite her home, it was unusual though that he'd made no attempt to tell her he was leaving base for the day... then again, she was only assuming he'd left because she hadn't seen him in hours. She pushed it to the back of her mind as she sat on her bed with her notebook and took a bite of her sandwich. The tasteless bread and fillings was more unappealing than usual and Sam closed the packaging and put it on the table next to her. Closing her eyes she tried to imagine a reality in which she'd never have to make this choice. She knew they existed, she just wished she knew what they felt like.

Waking at 0515, Sam showered and changed her fatigues before grabbing a fresh coffee.

"Morning, Carter." His rough voice grumble from behind her.

She nodded curtly at him. "You're here early."

"Never left."

"Oh, neither."

"I know."

The stood there for a moment before he cleared his throat and motioned that he was going to leave this incredibly awkward situation.

That was all the interaction they had in that day.

Two weeks later and nothing had changed, neither of them had talked about anything other than work and it didn't seem as though either of them would be the first to break until he came into her lab at 0300 one Sunday morning.

She placed her pen to hold the page in the book she was referencing and closed it before looking up at him. He'd sat on a stool across the table form her.

"Can I help you, sir?" Her tone was tired, trying to portray how little she wanted to do this right now.

"I think we both know what's best here, Sam. Neither of us is willing to say it though."

Her breath hitched and her stomach knotted. "Don't say it then," she replied softly, knowing it would make no difference whether he said it or not. "You don't need to, Jack. We'll just go back to how we were before. We're already half there anyway." It was a small stab but she saw it hurt him and while part of her felt bad, the other was almost grateful he still hurt for her, just a little.

"Yeah... well. I guess it didn't go how we'd planned."

"It rarely does, sir." She afforded him a small smile to let him know she would honestly be alright given enough time. She'd been preparing herself for this for the past two weeks, longer if she were honest with herself.

"We always find our way home though." His words weren't much, a small promise that maybe, at the end of all of this, the end of them as SG-1 and this as their home, maybe they'd find each other again. For now though... no for now this wasn't right and they both knew it.

"Jack..." her eyes searched his; she didn't want to say it, not really. She just needed to know he knew that she still loved him, regardless.

His eyes softened for her once more. "I know." He reached his hand across the lab bench and touched her fingers softly. "I hope you know too."

She tried to smile but was sure it came out as more of a grimace. "Yeah. I know."

"Alas, if only love were enough to save us from ourselves." He removed his hand and stood from the stool. "You really should consider sleeping you know, Carter. It enhances brain performance."

She let out a soft laugh. "I've never been good at sleeping."

"Me neither," he said as he turned to walk from the room. "Seriously though, go to bed. We have a mission tomorrow. That's an order."

AN: Alas, heartbreak.