So I decided to do another vampirised Christmas carol or two. Here's one you may recognise. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: None of this is mine, so consider it disclaimed.
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,"
"Slayer," Bertrand muttered, and Vlad glanced up, irritated. He'd been waiting for a chance to catch up on his comics for ages, and now Bertrand was just loitering, correcting Wolfie's lyrics as he wandered past singing.
"Had a very shiny nose..."
"A UV bomb."
Vlad closed his comic and turned in his chair, arms folded.
"Fine, Bertrand, tell the stupid vampiric version of the story. Just don't upset Wolfie if he comes in and hears you." His tutor frowned at him.
"He's heard it. Ingrid's been trying to teach him it, but he says he prefers the breather version." He decided not to question the older vampire's intimate knowledge of the rest of the household's business – he probably didn't want to know – and simply waited for him to start.
Rudolph, the red-nosed slayer, was-
"You're not singing this one either?" Bertrand glared at him.
"No. Is that a problem?" The Chosen One smirked.
"I could order you to sing it."
"You wouldn't get to the end of the sentence if you tried." Vlad raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly.
"Isn't that treason?"
"I'm sure there's an exception in circumstances of extreme irritation."
"Whatever. Fine. Tell the story. Be all boring." Bertrand looked a little hurt for a moment, but he shook it off and started again.
Rudolph, the red-nosed slayer, knew what the other slayers said about him. They thought, because of his red nose and friendly, cheerful nature, that he was an alcoholic, always drunk. In truth, though, while Rudolph wasn't the most intelligent of slayers in most respects, he was very determined and adept when it came to science. His nose was red because he'd badly sunburnt it during an experiment. Rudolph was an inventor, and he was working on one project, one that would change the world.
"The UV grenade. Wow, Bertrand, you're talking about a slayer like he's a person." Bertrand glared at him, but Vlad was unrepentant. "Hey, you wanted to tell me this one. You can put up with me answering back." His tutor sighed; the boy had a point.
He finally perfected it – the UV grenade – and showed all the other slayers what he'd made, but since it was the only one of its kind, he refused to demonstrate it that evening. All the other slayers laughed at him –
"You've made a Christmas bauble!" they said, "Hang it from the tree and get out of our way, we're off on a mission."
"Can I come?" asked Rudolph, but at that they laughed even harder.
"Of course not! Slaying is serious business, and you'd get yourself killed. Stay here and keep yourself amused – make some more baubles for the Christmas tree." Then they all went out, leaving Rudolph behind as usual.
Rudolph went back to his laboratory and set to work, staying late into the night to make more of his invention. So engrossed in his work was he that he didn't even notice how very dark it had become. As he put it down on the desk, he caught a glimpse of movement outside the window of the lab.
"If this is about to get really gory, Bertrand, I swear I'll..."
"Shh. Rudolph doesn't get murdered in his lab, if that's what you mean." The Chosen One frowned, apparently taken aback.
"Really?"
"No. Now, the sooner I continue, the sooner you can get back to your picture books."
"Comics. Fine, get on with it."
...He caught a glimpse of movement outside the window of the lab. Rudolph, who as I've mentioned was not the smartest of slayers, promptly opened the window and stuck his head out into the night.
"Hello? Is someone out there? Come in, the front door's open!"
"What an idiot," Vlad sighed. "I assume it was a vampire?" Bertrand rolled his eyes.
"You should know this story, Vlad. Still, I suppose if you don't recognise the slayer's name, you might recognise the vampire's." Vlad raised an eyebrow and he sighed.
"Or not. I'll spell it out."
The Grand High Vampire couldn't believe his good fortune; he'd come to see if there was any revenge he could take for the slaying that had taken place earlier that night – really, with all the recent mutiny, it had been the last thing he needed - while everyone left at his command was busy fighting or hunting down the slayers who'd fled. He hadn't been expecting to be invited into HQ. He made his way through the deserted building until he found the lab, where Rudolph was tidying away his work.
"Hello. Are you from one of the other bases?" The Grand High Vampire hesitated for a moment, then nodded. If this slayer was fool enough to believe him, that was his lookout. "Great, good to meet you, I'm Rudolph. Hey, look, I just made this new weapon, to fight the vampires – it's like a ball of sunlight you can throw. I'm thinking of calling it a UV grenade. Do you want to see it work?"
The Grand High Vampire recoiled from the glass bulbs on the table.
"No! I mean, no... thank you. But... how many vampires can this take out in one go?" Rudolph beamed as brightly as his inventions.
"It should take out any vampire within three metres of it in any direction. Maybe more. I haven't really had chance to test it." The Grand High Vampire nodded thoughtfully.
" There are some, back at my... base... who would be very interested to see this. And we have some vampires you can test on." Rudolph frowned at him.
"What are you saying?" The Grand High Vampire smiled coldly.
Vlad raised an eyebrow at Bertrand, daring him to say it.
"Rudolph," Bertrand continued with just the merest hint of a smirk, "with your bulbs so bright, won't you light my slay tonight?"
"I don't see how this is going to make all the slayers love him," Vlad grumbled, "and I bet if I look this up I won't find that line in the books." Bertrand neither confirmed nor denied this, choosing instead to go on with his story.
"Of course," said Rudolph, excited to be invited on his first ever slaying mission, and he followed the Grand High Vampire back to the High Council's chambers.
"Gather round; I've brought you all a new slayer weapon to admire." The treacherous councillors gathered obediently, sure that their betrayals had not yet been discovered. "Show them, Rudolph!" The Grand High Vampire sped from the room as Rudolph dropped his grenade to the floor, smashing it. When he returned, he found the bemused slayer standing in a ring of dust.
"They were vampires!" He grinned. "I dusted vampires!"
"Yes, Rudolph, you've been very helpful," the Grand High Vampire assured him. "What's that over there?" When Rudolph turned to look, the Grand High Vampire sank his fangs into his neck, draining him dry.
"You said he didn't get murdered-"
"In his lab, no. He was drained in the Council chamber. An honour, really." Bertrand could be a right smug git sometimes, Vlad thought bitterly to himself.
The slayers found his inventions in the lab, of course, along with all his notes, and were able to recreate them. Suddenly, Rudolph was known as the best slayer of the modern age... but they never found him.
"Do all your stories end in blood, Bertrand? Only it's not very Christmassy." Bertrand shrugged.
"You may never know, unless I tell you them all." Wolfie chose to drift past the door again at that very moment, still singing to himself.
"Then all the slayers loved him,
And they shouted out with glee – yippee!
Rudolph the red-nosed slayer,
You'll go down in history..."
"Well, at least that bit's accurate," Bertrand smirked, and left the Chosen One to stare blankly at his comic book. Sometimes, he really didn't know why he let Bertrand tell him anything.