The Rime of the Osakan Space Cadet
Book 2: Team Fortress 2's Flying Literature Club
A/N: This was originally the half of Book 1's Team Fortress and the Local Shop. Enjoy Osaka's high-jinks.
Osaka was fished out by Heavy Weapons Guy and flopped like a fish on the deck before calming down. She looked up shakily. "What happen'd?"
"Congratulations, Osaka," exclaimed Tomo, skipping in from behind, hands flamboyantly on her hips. "You've been chosen for a top secret mission."
"See-cret mission...?" Her widened in wonder.
"Yeah," Tomo said, "you're now part of a special team to defeat a creature from the Black Lodge."
"That sounds straight outta a B-movie. I love those," Osaka chimed.
"Yes! It is but it's nothing like in a B-movie."
Osaka frowned. "So, we're goin' after a psycho in a monster suit?"
"No, no, no, Osaka," Yukari corrected, gliding out of the house. "You're not going after some nutjob in a suit. You're going after something far more worse."
Everyone gasped - except Osaka, of course. "Fa' mo' worse?"
"A being named Monika," announced the English teacher dramatically, complete with closeup.
Osaka sweatdropped. "So it'sa girl in a suit?"
The crickets and cicadas chirped a chorus of chirps, citing everyone else's state of mind to the airhead's rebuttal.
"Osaka, it's not a girl in a suit," Tomo said, "but she's definitely a girl. Only one of the worse things to threaten this green earth. She's an international terrorist and war criminal, a menace to society, an existential threat to the universe."
"Gosh, Tomo, that's a lotta words for just one bad girl."
"Bad is an understatement," exclaimed Red Spy, having recovered from his flight and fall, "one of the most devious, cunning women to walk this earth. Everything bad happening has her hand in it." He slammed a folder labelled TOP SECRET on the outdoor table. Out slid pictures of a beautiful girl with long brown hair tied together in a ponytail with a cute white ribbon, emerald eyes, nice bust and body with a smile to die for in a high school uniform, consisting of a blue skirt, brown blazer, quilted cardigan, white blouse with red tie, and white, blue-trimmed school slippers. And she wears black thigh-highs that emphasize her shapely legs, especially those thighs, teasing boys to look up.
"Hey, that look's like Yomi after LASIK surgery," she noted. "Or did she replace 'er glasses with green contacts?"
"Pay attention!" Yukari snapped.
With helpful commentary from Red Spy, Osaka was looking at the photos of where Monika was caught in the act of her various nefarious deeds, such as sabotaging the dikes prior to Hurrican Katrina, just after her burning of the Reichstag, attending EA Games board meetings (as if they're not shitty enough), which spelled the doom of several game franchises, being a major player in the Golden Triangle heroin trade, ordering the brutal mass killing of Chuck "E. Cheese's" Taylor's enemies in war-torn Liberia, cutely posing with the body of Jimmy Hendrix after causing his overdose, her stint as a gulag commandant in Siberia under Stalin, where inmates fight for scraps of food to get her lulz going; posing over the corpse of Bambi's mother after shooting her, taking tea with Saddam during her directorship of one of his covert chemical weapons facilities where she tested the stuff on political opponents, engineering with Goldman Sachs the 2008 Global Recession, sabotaging the nav equipment of the Costa Concordia, posing with the Argentine junta during the Dirty War where she's implicated in mass disappearances, posting a Tweet celebrating suicide of K-Pop group Shinee's Jonghyun after pressuring Shinee's company to push them harder via owning 50 percent of its stock, making her rich; tampering with evidence that would have put OJ Simpson in for good, starting the 1988 Yellowstone Park Fire at the behest of the logging lobby, part of the break-in at Watergate and selling out her co-conspirators, blowing up the USS Maine, orchestrating the murders of Tupac Shakur and The Notorious B.I.G., causing the Enschede fireworks disaster in Holland, the Chernobyl disaster, Exxon Valdez, the second shooter at the Grassy Knoll followed by tricking Jack Ruby into killing Lee Harvey Oswald, torpedoing the Lusitania, directing an iceberg into the Titanic's path, the Deepwater Horizon disaster, board member of Royal Dutch Shell, the maltreatment of Kojima Productions staff and the firing of Hideo Kojima by Konami, influencing the decisions of the late Muammar Qaddafi as political adviser which led to his downfall on Arab Spring, arms dealer to ISIS, involvement in making Hunt Down the Freeman, bribing Gabe Newell with a huge motherlode of snacks so he wouldn't count to three on Half-Life, Left 4 Dead, and Portal."
"Wow, talk aboutta evil resume." She boggled at the long list of misdeeds mentioned. "Did sheeh dig out the Grand Canyon too?"
"That's not even the worse of her deeds," Spy said gravely. "Look at this picture." Spy handed her a photo, trembling as though it was terrible.
Curious, Osaka gently took it from his quaking hands and looked-
-Sayo-nara (Doki Doki Literature Club soundtrack) plays-
Osaka was petrified. What she saw was a short-haired pink/brunette girl hanging in her bedroom! Even Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga is afraid!
"GAAAAH!" Her mouth fell open in horror was she went pale. And everyone shared her terror.
And her memory itched. "Tomo tricked me into playin' this game."
"Hey, don't blame me," Tomo snapped, "here I'm just a manifestation of your concept of Tomo in this dream world."
"Oh. But it still is mighty mean," Osaka mewed in protest, struggling with flashbacks of the human piñata that was Sayori.
"Well, I did it for lulz," the wildcat - well, the metaphorical one - scoffed.
"Whiye'd ya du it?"
"I'm Tomo, duh. I do all sorts of crazy stuff."
"Oh." Osaka blinked her eyes in the profound fact. "Didn' Yomi bonk'd ya in the head fer getting me to play Doki Doki, sayin' it might scare me?"
"Yeah, she did and it hurts," she grumbled. "On the matter, you didn't freak out like she'd expect. How are you not scarred?"
"Well, ah watch'd eh movie about that call'd Nurm'berg. It had Alec Baldwin innit and Nazis that wer' turn'd ta piñatas."
Tomo raised an eyebrow. "So you watched a movie about high-ranking Nazis put on trial for war crimes? Why doesn't that surprise me?"
"Heh." Osaka smiled. "Sum'times I just happen watch sum'tin on Tee-Vee."
-Sayo-nara stops-
"One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that smile..." Spy proclaimed, looking disturbed. "... What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?"
"She is evil nasty witch who casts spell on people," said Red Heavy in a low voice, as though fearful of Monika listening on them.
"How much trouble can she be?" Osaka asked.
Then Red Medic emerged, with lots of German snacks. "Fraulein, Osaka, please check your pocket."
-The Shadow of the Past (LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring OST) plays-
Osaka dug into her pocket and found an enveloped. "Ah didn' know ah had this."
"Open it," he urged. When she did, the entire room had gasped in total dread.
"Osaka! Throw it!" demanded the Spy.
"A'right," Osaka chimed happily and threw it as hard as she could.
She smacked Scout right in the face! He got knocked backed on his ass screaming. "Nice shot!" congratulated Spy.
Soldier barked! "Pyro! Flame it!"
With muffling happiness, Pyro fired his flamethrower, lashing out a tongue of flame, engulfing the pen still tumbling in mid-air. The flame blast also blew a new one up in the ceiling.
In spite of being subjected to more than 5000 degrees Fahrenheit of liquid fire, the pen was still intact, still tumbling before dropping to the ground. Osaka, curious, came over for a look.
"Vhat can du see?" asked Medic anxiously.
"It says here, 'made in China,'" she replied. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "'Ey wait," she mewed, "it's got glowing markins', like strings o' numbers an' letters. Some'wun's bangin' their head on de keyboard." The gasps of horror returned.
"It iz zindeed nonsensical und looks like it vas typed vy Angry German Kid's forehead but it's actually a language. Ze language is zat of Base64, vhich I will not utter here, und can't be uttered in any case unless du sound like AGK on crack. In Inselaffe screeching, uh, I mean, English tongue it says...
"One Pen to write them all, One Pen to find them,
One Pen to bring them all and in the darkness bind them..."
They all gasped and squealed in horror. "The pen! The pen! The pen!"
"Did someone say pen...!?" an excited voice called out from a door. More on that later.
"Ah musta heard it somewhere before..."
-The Shadow of the Past stops-
So they all munched on Medic's snacks while surrounding the Pen.
"Zis is ze One Pen," confirmed Medic, trembling, "made by Faber-Castell in Costa Rica, taken by Yuri from ze hand of Monika herself."
Then a lightbulb clicked in her head. "Hey, she had'a pen in sum o' those pictures."
"Oui," added Spy. "For two years le Pen gave Monika unparalleled power beyond time and space, reaching out into history, into universes and changing them entirely. I thought it was deleted with her. But no longer, Osaka. Evil is stirring in Mordor. The Pen has awoken. It has heard its mistress's call."
"But isn't she inna recycling bin? Mah cousin said sum'thing about throwin' her there."
Then the Pen whispered ominously in a sweet voice, "Just Monika~."
"Pipe down!" snapped Medic before continuing on, "No, Osaka. The spirit of Monika endured. Her life force iz bound to ze Pen, und ze Pen survived. Monika has returned. Her forces hab multiplied, her fortress of Barad-dur is rebuilt in ze land of Mordor. She needs only zhis pen to cover all ze worlds in a second darkness. She is seeking it... seeking it... all her thought is bent upon it. And ze Pen, it yearns above all else to return to ze hand of its master. Zey are one... ze Pen and Monika. Osaka... she must never find it."
Osaka's wide doe-eyes meet with Spy's, acknowledging the terror. "Why male models?"
-The Shadow of the Past plays-
"Have you heard what- Uh! Never mind!" Spy shook his head at Osaka's inanity. "Osaka, atrocity after atrocity Monika has committed on different universes. She began with her friends in the Doki Doki Literature Club. There were two survivors. And one of them is here." Then in walked a short pinkette.
*record scratch*
"Hey guys. I was just about to-" She stopped when she saw Osaka. "WHO INVITED HER HERE!?"
"Hiya, Natsuki." Osaka waved her noodly arm. "Ah didn't expect to see yah here."
"So, yah know her?" Scout asked.
"Yeah. Weh shared a bed together flyin'." Everyone got hot under the collar, except Natsuki, already hot in rage.
"Ahahahaha~," laughed the Pen nervously.
"Man, I didn't know you're into that," Tomo exclaimed.
"An' she lick'd mah feet." That came out wrong.
"We didn't share a bed! I thought your foot was ice cream," snapped Natsuki.
"Oh, so that's why ye lick'd meh," Osaka said, astounded. "Hey, since that's the only fun'neh business you've done to meh back in bed, does that mean yeh're a girl?"
"That's what I was trying to tell you!" Natsuki screeched. "I'm a girl!"
Osaka thrusted her face at Natsuki, who flinched as the space cadet took a look-see. "It's aw'right. Ah believe yah."
"I see you're already met. Natsuki here was one of Monika's first victims."
Osaka felt sad and concerned. "What did she' do to yah, Natsuki?"
Then Natsuki made a cute anime head-tilt - in a snap!
"Ah Mai!" Osaka jumped back at seeing Natsuki's head list 90 degrees portside. "Some'won did'a numbah on yer neck."
"That would be Monika!" snapped the pink tsundere.
-Jeopardy theme song plays-
Then Osaka started analyzing Natsuki's statement. How did Monika break her neck? And why was she thinking about Yomi doing that to Tomo? What was the right cheese for grilled cheese sandwich? Emmentahl or Cheddar? Chiyo's pigtails can help her fly but Natsuki's seemed invisible. What sort of New Year's gift she should give to Chiyo? What did Tomo mean by Yukari getting wasted on New Year? Why was Sakaki the height of the Empire State Building? Who was the winner of Tour de France 1940? Kawanishi-Noseguchi, Kinunobebashi, Takiyama, Uguisunomori, Tsuzumigataki, Tada, Hirano, Ichinotorii, Uneno, Yamashita, Sasabe, Kofudai, Tokiwadai, Myokenguchi. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Yomi likes spicy foods-
The spice must flow!
-Jeopardy theme stops-
Osaka knew what to ask her! "Are yah Kimura's daughter?"
Natsuki blinked her eyes twice. "What?"
"Yer ay-ble ta twist yer neck like that girl in Exorcist," she explained. "Mistah Kimura had that ability tuh. And he likes high school girls."
A firetruck's siren wailed as everyone looked at Osaka in response to her nugget of wisdom.
"He what...?" Natsuki asked, puzzled.
"He likes high school girls, that's the reason he wants ta beh a teacher," Osaka explained. "Man, ah dun know if it'sa good theng or bad theng."
"He's a pedophile," Spy explained.
"Ah what!?" Natsuki clearly was not impressed with the idea of a pedo teacher for a dad.
"Yah sort'a get use'd to it," she explained, "ah mean, it's Japan, people sort'a file less sex-you-wall harassment lao'suits than in America. Also, he dozen seem to mind meh at all, always going fer Kaorin, and sometimes Yomi or Sakaki. He must'ah like milk too."
"I vink you must save that for a lawyer, Osaka," Medic stepped on, to keep the plot relevant. "She vas vun off heer first victims. Heer flexy neck vas just one of ze first of heer many atrocities. She's lucky she's not todt. I wouldn't say ze same for heer dear freund."
"Es she dead?" Osaka asked. "How es she a survivuh if she's dead?"
"No, Osaka, she's not," replied Medic.
"Phew!" breathed Osaka in relief. "Ah though ah was gonna predict a character death."
"She wished she vas," Medic added.
"Aw, shucks, wussit really thah't baad?"
"How bad?" Medic's eyes grew to very bulbous onions. "Monika vas able to hack into ze source code of reality vei sodomizing a Google server vith ach proverbïal jackhammar. With zat ze universe is heer sandbox, she can shape it to anyvay she vished like a teenager vith access to Gmod, making machinima from Nintendo und Valve characters; she can create an abridged series out of dur life, subjecting du and everything around du to painful and humiliating circumstances; turn your day into a parade of hideous, twisted perversions of your understanding of physics. There is no logic, no ordnung. Ordnung muss sen!"
"If Monika's all powerful, why ah're we plottin' against her? Is she like deh Architect feller from The Matrix?"
"The current order we have only exists at Monika's pleasure. She can bend it and twist in anyway she likes!" Medic looked wild-eyed. "And she sodomizes minds like how she sodomizes reality." He whispered into her ear, "Brutally - rapidly - and without lubicrant.
He wailed into zeh heavens, "Ve can't take it anymore!"
"Can yeh jus' talk to her?" Osaka suggested. "Say that universal domination is baahd, 'kay?"
"I'll bugger myself with a fish fork than talk to her again!" snapped Natsuki, headed tilted to 90 degrees again.
"Do you want to see ze her freund?" Medic suggested.
"Oh shoot, ah almost forgot about that. Walls can't file lawsuits."
They were the basement where someone inquiring about the pen has originated. "So wut ah're we doin' here?" she asked. "Is this a dungeon or sum'thin?"
"Why yes, this was originally used to hold Spy Crabs for Medic's experiments," explained Tomo. "Now they're all dead, it holds something even better."
An alarmed whirred loudly and a police light began spinning a red light show. The curtain before them lifted. They parted to reveal a cell and in it was a beautiful purple-haired girl bundled up in a straight jacket.
"I feel pretty," she sang in delightful whimsy, "oh so pretty/I feel pretty and witty and bright~!"
"Hey," she bleated. "What's Miss Sakaki doin' in a straight jacket." Did sheh go crazy and made uh convoluted plan to take over the world? Maybe meet space aliens?"
"She's not Miss Sakaki," Mini-Chiyo pointed out, hovering beside Osaka's head.
"Hell it ain't," Natsuki snapped. "Her name is Yuri."
"Wait, Sakaki's first name is Yuri?"
Natsuki facepalmed. "No, she is not Sakaki? Her name is Yuri!"
"She likes yuri? Man, ah always knew she had a lesbian vibe"
"Grrrr!" Natsuki gritted her teeth. Osaka was such a crowd-pleaser.
"Erev tov!" piped Yuri, now staring at her onlookers with her award-winning (bone chilling) smile through the stringy locks of hair.
"Ye're right, Natsuki." She stood corrected after giving a quick look over. "She ain't Sakaki, her hair es purple an' she short like Tomo."
"Hey!" Tomo looked offended.
"But hau does she manage it with her bust? Won't she get back pain?" Osaka wondered how do bustier girls endure the onslaught to their backs. "Sakaki's tall so shee can take it betteh but them short girls seem ta slow down a lot."
Yuri giggled madly. "Why do I have so many visitors this fine day?" she asked in a mad, flighty voice.
"Yuri...," Natsuki moaned in despair.
"Are yah eh lesbian?" Osaka asked and everyone had their heads rebooted.
"What...!?" Yuri snapped. "I LIKE PENS!"
"Why'd you like pens so much?"
"Pens!" Yuri cried manically. "They're the best friends you can have. Everything I know about people I learned from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em. If they still don't work, you chuck 'em away, bin them!"
"Is that why you stole Monika's pen?"
Yuri's face broke into a grimace, complete with the sound of shattered glass. "Have you ever considered killing yourself?" she growled. "It would be beneficial to your health."
"Hey, that wus mighty mean. You can' just tell'uh person to kill himself." Osaka was not receptive of Yuri's cutting words.
"I don't want to stay here anymore," she went on, more deranged than usual, "I just want to pull your skin open and crawl inside of you! That way I can be free and have some nice tea."
"That's gross." Osaka looks like she's gonna be sick, so was everyone else.
"All I ever wanted was to love someone, without Monika looking over my shoulders." Then she stared into the ceiling. "I just want to be with my pens."
"Shee seem to loike pens, huh?" Osaka sympathized.
"She was the first to fall to ze power of ze Pen."
"It's her precious, kind'uh like Gollum?"
"She wants to do... things with it," whispered Spy, who looked like he had missed his chance to see it.
"I even touch myself with the pen I stole from you!" Yuri screamed up the sky.
"Mah mom said that touchin' yourself es baad. That's what bois usually do." Man, maybe Kimura ain't gettin' any frum his waif.
"And oh, before you leave I need you get a letter to Monika~."
"Ah, okay." Osaka accepted it without a second thought.
"I've endowed this poem with my scent." Her grinned went wide and her eyes were terrifying. "Aren't I the most thoughtful person in the world?" Spy gave the airhead Yuri's letter, covered in a resealable plastic wrap.
"Did yah take this our of de evidence room?" Her wide eyes examined.
"Eh, no. It just has her scent," he replied. Then his pupils dilated. "You don't want to know how."
"Well then... Sorta smells funny." So she read through the plastic bag.
Through the darkness of future's past
The magician longs to see
One chants out between two worlds...
'Fire... walk with me.'
"That's a letter?" Tomo said. "Laaaame!"
"Zat ist something Yuri has been scribbling repeatedly since she got her until ve put on her on a straitjacket after stabbing Scout with a mango she sharpened for breakfast." Medic looked at this poem. "Ve don't know what it means..."
"Lemme take a look." She took the poem. "Sumthin smells funny..." She read it several times. "Ah! Ah fink ah got it!"
"What!?" the entire room exclaimed.
"Think what Ah got here is part of how Monika was going dimension-hopping," she explained. "One of them code things."
"Mein Gott, that make sense." Medic was astounded. "Perhaps with it we can finally have a way to-"
"INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" blared automated alarm system in its electronic voice. "A bombing raid is in progress! Target: Mushroom Kingdom!"
"Scheisse!"
"Merde!"
"Oh no!" Chiyo exclaimed.
"What's goin' on nao?" Osaka was distracted by all the pretty red lights flashing away.
"Monika has made her move, come on," Tomo exclaimed. They all ran pass her, prompting Osaka to catch up. "Hey, wait fer meh!"
That left Yuri alone - forever alone - in the basement. "No one wants to play with me?" She was sad now. "No one left me pen for my special needs." Then decided the bars of her cell will just have to do.
Topside, everyone scrambled to the Team Fortress Cave. "Osaka, we need you for this is our one and only chance to take the fight to Monika once and for all."
"Why me?" Osaka wailed.
"You're the only one who can face her, Osaka," Mini-Chiyo said. "That's why they need you."
"Why es it all'ways when a there's a Sirius cry-sis that all characters turn to the do hero?" Osaka noted. "They never try to figure out themselves."
"'Cause the story would suck without one," proclaimed Kagura in old-fashion flight gear.
She waved her noodly arm in greeting. "Oh, hiya, Kagura. Are yah doin' an Ay-melia Ear-heart cosplay?"
"Shit just got real, Osaka, so suit up and nut up."
"Hey, that's offensive to Natsuki," Osaka scolded.
"What!?" Natsuki snapped.
"But ye want meh to fly?" the airhead asked. Kagura pointed to a Spitfire MkIII park beside her. "Man, this day's got all nine kinds of crazy."
"Hey you don't worry your pretty lil' head there, Osaka," proclaimed Engineer. "I just got the thing to help you."
"Really?" Osaka looked at him with eager eyes wide as lenses.
"Got all right here." He extended a close hand. Then opened to see a miniature version of himself dancing a hoedown. "Tiny Desk Engineer!"
"Yeeeeh!" cried Tiny Desk Engineer as continued his square dance.
"Oh, swell, will he helped my fly?"
"No, he's pretty much useless," answered Engie happily.
So the three Bonkuras flew in their Spitfires into the blue yonder. "I didn't know Ah can fly a plane," Osaka mewed in amazement as she was in the controls of one of the greatest fighter aircraft of the Second World War with Tiny dancing on top of the dashboard.
"Keep it together, Osaka," Tomo squawked into her radio.
"Gyah!" she nearly jumped from her seat, and almost dove out of formation. She tugged the headphones of her helmet. "Shoot, ah thought ah had a lil Tomo in mah head."
"We've got to haul ass," Tomo went on, "we're supposed to intercept a formation of bombers sent in by Monika loyalists to obliterate the Mushroom Kingdom."
"Hey, Tomo, ah thought you said ye hated War Thunder matches. Ya say they're biased or sum'thin."
Kagura squawked on the radio, "Hey, Tomo, Osaka, eh- I mean, check fuel, Bonkers 1 and 2."
Osaka checked her fuel gauge. "Seventy gal'lons."
On the radio she heard Tomo. "Sixty-eight gallons, Kagura."
"That's Bonkers Leader to you, Bonkers 2!" Kagura snapped.
"Who made you leader?" Tomo questioned.
"I'm the sane one," Kagura retorted.
"Just cause you're a better War Thunder player than me," Tomo pouted. "And why am I -2? I should be No. 1!"
"Hey y'all, how du ye convert American measurements to European?" Osaka asked. "Ya know, frum gallons ta liters-"
"Quite messing around!" Kagura snapped. "Stay down at five hundred feet to leave fuel for forty minute flying time over Mushroom Kingdom borders."
"Can't they jus' call in Mario n' Luigi to take care of 'em?" Osaka questioned the logic of defending Candy Kingdom when it's got its own heroes. "Maybe Princess Peach has flyin' machines."
"Keep an eye on that gauge, even when it gets lively," Kagura ordered at once. "Save enough to get back."
"Why can't I be the leader?" Tomo retorted. "I'm the one who founded the Bonkers..."
So zoom off our trio of high-flying heroes and soon enough they came upon a formation of Heinkels preparing to bomb the Mushroom Kingdom. It was an uneventful flight, except for Osaka, who was enjoying the Tiny Desk Engineer on her dashboard.
"Man, it's great ah brought along this here Tiny Desk Engineer with me."
"I agree." Mini-Chiyo flapped her pigtails in agreement.
"Yeee!"
"Hey, look, I've got bombers at twelve o'clock," called out Kagura.
Osaka looked at her watch. "9:45, Kagura,"
"No! 12 o' clock, they're in front of you! Attack!" Tomo and Kagura broke off to engage the enemy.
"'Ey, don' leave me!" Osaka peeled off to join the dogfight in her slow, understated manner.
And all three fell upon the Heinkel formation.
"Okay, boys!" asked Saddam Hussein, the South Park one. "Ready to spam the space bar?"
They all hollered in delight at the thought of blowing up the Mushroom Kingdom to bits. "Well, Spleendid," he squealed. "That bitch Peach will send me nudes after I flatten her castle."
-Advance Australia (War Thunder OST) plays-
Osaka heard it all on the radio. "Hey, ya know it's rude to ask'a girl to send her naked pictures to you."
"What!?" asked a startled Saddam. "Who is thiis?"
"Ah'm Ayumu Kasuga and I'm tellin' yah it's not nice to blow up houses!"
"Shut up, Osaka!" Bonkers 2 and Leader snapped back.
"Great going, Osaka they're breaking up. We were in a perfect ambush position," added Kagura. "Start the attack!"
"Quick, boys! Scatter!" Saddam ordered and the Heinkel formation broke up in panic as Bonkers Flight gave chase.
"Free kills!" cried Kagura.
"Tally-ho!" joined in Tomo.
"Hey, wait for me!" Osaka protested, swerving to her right, making her Spit dab in the sky.
It's as well as you'd expect in War Thunder match which as bombers vs. fighters, with Bonkers in Spitfires and the Monikan Air Force Heinkel 111s. High-flying deeds of derring-do ensued as the Spitfires began shooting the crap out of the Moni-waifu bomber force. Tomo made a strafing pass that killed off a Heinkel's left engine.
Plane burnt down
Player credited for kill = TomoRocks
Not one to be outdone, Kagura made a risky head-on attack guns blazing, turning around as her kill plummeted to the ground.
Pilot Knocked Out
Player credited for kill = KaguraL33tSwimmer
To see the two knocking down bombers like pros was a truly cinematic experience, giving thrills and chills for anyone with a high-octane addiction for aircraft and dogfights.
"Get pilot sniped!" Tomo cried out, as she shot away the Heinkel's nose.
"Nein!" was the pilot's last words and the plane lurched below.
"How yah snipe a pilot?" Osaka asked.
Let's see how Osaka's doing...
- *record scratch*, Meatball Parade by Kevin Macleod plays-
"C'mon, hold still," Osaka complained as she struggled to shoot down the Heinkel she's chasing. Watching Kagura and Tomo turkey-shoot in highly-balletic style made her realize she can't compete thus she decided to take it easy so she went for the nearest bomber she can find and lined up behind it for a good shot. Problem was that said Monikan Heinkel was not going to let the airhead have it and thus fired at it as it tried to get away.
"Gyah!" Osaka was startled by the tiny bullets pinging on her Spit. "Ah shoot! At this rate ah ain't gettin' no kills."
"Come on, Osaka, get it together," Mini-Chiyo encouraged.
"Yeeee!" hollered the Tiny Desk Engineer as danced its hoedown.
The Heinkel let loose a stream of tracers at her, which Osaka dodged way out of the way, and being the spaz she was in high-octane military games, nearly lost control of her plane.
"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" Osaka struggled to maintain control as the world literally tumbled around her. Mini-Chiyo looked like she was gonna throw up as she grabbed hold to Osaka's shoulder. Tiny Desk Engineer simply hoedowned, screaming, "Yeeeeh!"
Osaka righted herself back up. "Oh ma'an, ah don' feel so gud..." Before she could throw up, she was barreling straight at a Heinkel and only pulled up at the last second, barely escaping with her life.
"How dus any'wun live through this? Dem pilots musta have a poor sense of self-preservay-shion." Her Spit was pinged by MG fire from a Heinkel, causing her to flinch. She can hear the Heinkel crew laugh at her over the radio.
Osaka puffed cutely. "Ah had e-nuff!" So she gave a chase on the Heinkel, the laughter spurred her own as she lined up her sights and fired.
BRRRRRRRRRTTTT!
She missed by a longshot, which frightened the Heinkel off its ass and tried to shot back. Osaka tried again, her aim messed up from dodging her prey's gunfire and its constant swaying, not to mention her handling of the plane like spaz. Of course she doesn't know anything about how to shoot your gun in a dogfight, which was why her tracers kept streaming wide or falling short of hitting it.
"Osaka, stop keep wasting your ammo!" Kagura squawked on the radio.
"Cannae getta shot at de plane," Osaka griped, "sight ain't workin' good."
"Have you tried firing ahead?" the tomboy suggested before breaking off.
"Ah didn' thought o' that. Ah'll give it a try." So Osaka leveled out and followed her Heinkel, which was doing a few maneuvers, hoping her spastic gunnery doesn't scratch his paintjob lovingly featuring the goddess he swore allegiance to.
BBRRRRRT! BRRRRRRT!
The Heinkel's left engine exploded.
"No fair!" screamed the pilot. "I lost my ten K!"
"A'right!" Osaka cheered for herself.
"That's just one plane!" Kagura pointed out, already racking ten kills. "Step up your game." She peeled off with the roar of her Rolls-Royce Merlin engine.
"Hey, wait!" She tried to catch up, almost running into a bomber, which promptly veered right into another one. "Does that count as a double-kill?" she muttered as she watch the fireball. A piece of Monika noseart tumbled by, along with a pilot helm.
The rest of the match as good as you'd expect, with Kagura and Tomo competing and Osaka being barely keeping up. Of course, in the midst of Osaka's attempts to score as an ace, her wingmen took full advantage of her ineptitude, using her a distraction or ghillie to gain more kills.
"Closuh, closuh..." Osaka chanted as she steadied for a shot on the Heinkel. It blow up!
"Thanks, Osaka!" Kagura radioed.
"Oh shoot," she dismayed and went for another one, which broke off at her pursuit. Its wing exploded and Tomo's Spit ahead flew past above her.
"Keep 'em coming, Osaka!" Tomo squawked.
"No fair!" she complained. "How am Ah gonna shoot sum planes if yeh keep stealin' mai kills?"
"War Thunder ain't fair," the wildcat squawked, "get used to it."
"Man, dis is ol' biased 'gainst meh." Osaka voiced the complaint of millions of War Thunder players when things don't go their way.
"I'll say," said a random War Thunder player flying for the Monikan Airforce. "Just grind XP." His Heinkel was trailing smoke and flame. Then it burst into pyrotechnical glory.
After watching the plane explode quizzically, she got back to the matter at hand. "Okay, ah'll just get it together." So get it together she did - and had not made any kills.
-Meatball Parade ends-
"Oh, no' fair," Osaka mewed in disappointment. "Ah only got three kills."
"Sucks to be you, Osaka," Tomo said boisterously. "You got nothing on me, Tomo "Spitfire" Takino, ace pilot adventurer. Scourge of the Luftwaffe."
"Can it, Tomo," Kagura retorted. "The only reason there's three of us is that you shot down the rest of our fighter wing."
"Hey, it's not my fault I get hyped for battle," she grumped haughtily.
"It's a wonder why we even won this fight at all," the tomboy blurted. "Did you really have to shoot everyone down?"
"Hey, guys," Osaka chimed in.
"What!?" they cried in unison, nearly startling Osaka.
"Ah think ah see Mario and Luigi by my left," she exclaimed excitedly.
"That's our counterattack... ish..."
True to form, the two Nintendo heroes appeared in a Fairey Swordfish torpedo bomber.
"Mario," whined Luigi in the observer seat. "This is a crazy idea! You don't know how to fly."
"Notta worry~!" chimed Mario on the cockpit. "I watch'a ah-Top Gun-uh and-uh played-duh Ace Combat and-uh IL-2 Sturmovik."
"You call that crap training?"retorted Toad, flying a Sopwith Camel. "I played World of Warplanes!"
"Hahaha~, Toad," mocked Mario. "You are'a a'so-funny. Everyone knows that-a World-ah-Warplanes suck'a so-much."
"Says the fat Italian that masturbates to spaghetti and meatballs," snapped back Toad.
"HOW-AH YOU-A A-DARE A-DISS MY-AH SPAGHETTI?" the famous - in this case, retarded - Italian plumber growled.
"Lololol," guffawed Bob the Garo, flying a cropduster. "Mario likes balls in his spaghetti. What a fag!"
"Da only'a thing-a you puff is your mama's sister," an angry Mario blurted.
"WHAT!?" That was a little too close to home for Bob. "I'll kill your ass with friendly fire!"
"C'mon, guys," said Shroomie. "We barely fought off that bombin' raid. My hometown wasn't so lucky." Set in his seemingly, unchanging face are eyes that seen some horrible shit, like Saddam's buttery napalm bomb that fricasseed the mushrooms of said town. You can smell the truffles, champignon, shiitake, shimeji, bacon, white wine, pepper and agony from a thousand miles away.
"Whoa! Smells nice," Osaka commented, "kinda French." Shroomie on his Gloster Gladiator next to her Spit looked like he was ready to break down smiling.
-Supermarine (Dunkirk OST) plays-
The intense Hans Zimmer track began, signalling an ominous change of atmosphere.
"Bonkers Leader to Bonkers Flight," the tomboy squawked, "the music has changed, watch out for bandits."
"Air bandits?" Osaka checked her wrist for a nonexistent watch. "Ah got no Rolex!" She tuned into to Kagura's channel, causing feedback which caused her to the loop-the-loop.
"What the hell, Osaka!? You hurt my ears!"
"Ah'm sorry," she apologized sincerely. "It's jus'-"
Then the Me-109s came, coming out of the sun.
"Break!" At Kagura's command, both planes split off. Only Osaka remained at level flight.
"Ah nao, not'again." Osaka swerved like she was rounding a curb.
Swiftly, the Messerschmitts swiftly struck the flotilla. The Mario Bros went down first.
"Oh no!" Luigi cried as their plane blew apart.
"Mama F*çķ#r!" Mario fell out of his cockpit. There goes their only torpedo bomber.
"Holy shit! Holy shit! I got Luftwaffles on my ass!" exclaimed Bob as Me-109s came for dat booty. Then the tracers light up. "Please! No! I'm too young to die! Take Shroomy's ass instead."
"I'm coming for ya!" Osaka turned her Spit and fired on his pursuers. "That'll teach yah!" She blew Bob's fuselage apart.
"You little team-killer!" Bob snapped as he tumbled out of control. "You shot me, you autistic noob. Go play Fortnutz-" KABOOM! "OW! My Ovaries!"
"Ah mai! Ah jus' kill'd eh teammate!" she wailed. "Ah'm sowrry." And the chaos continued.
"They're killing our strike team!" Kagura exclaimed as Monikan Messerschmitts were ripping their force apart. Toad burst into flames from 20 mil fire while Shroomy shot himself due to PTSD.
"Ha, they suck anyway." Tomo was laidback as ever.
"Hey, Bonkers Leader, Ah can seeh a pretty red plane from oop there." Osaka pointed excitedly at the aircraft in question.
"Schnell! Da unten! Ha ha ha!" A sinister and very bad German accent spoke out of the pretty red plane.
Kagura's eyes bugged out in shock. "Oh crap! That's the ace. We're in the fight of our lives right now!"
"Does that mean he's great at poker?" Osaka asked. "I got an idea!"
"What!" exclaimed the other two Bonkers over the 'net.
"What?" Mini-Chiyo was surprised.
"Yeeeeh!" cried Tiny Desk Engineer in excitement.
"Hey y'all." Osaka put out an all-band broadcast. "How 'bout weh settle this battle in a card game? Why shoot each other when we can jus play poker? Why don't we set the pot on two dozen apple pies-!" The pretty red plane vroomed beside her and came up behind, firing its pinprick machineguns.
"Ah no! Ah'm being shot at! This is like Star Wars Death Star run."
"Evasive maneuvers, Osaka," Kagura ordered. "Take a dive! Do a barrel roll!" But before Osaka can ask further questions, the red Me-109 quickly broke from Osaka and turned to the tomboy. "Oh crap!" She swerved tightly to avoid 20 mil, fire, hitting Tomo instead, who was chasing another Me's tail.
BOOM!
"Aw, come on!" Tomo's MLG killstreak was cut short before it even started. "German bias!" She had to bale out.
"It's only us now, Osaka!" The red plane turned beside Kagura and head straight for the airhead. "Osaka, behind you! BEE-HIND!"
-Spider-Man 2 Pizza Delivery Theme plays-
Osaka was still trying to figure out her basic evasive maneuvers, and has trouble doing so. It didn't help that her Spitfire has now more bullet holes than a sieve and was handling like a war criminal with Parkinson's disease.
"Aw, man! This plane sure is stiff." Then she turned to TDE on the dashboard. "Hey there, Tiny Engineer Guy, can ya help meh out?"
"Yeeh!" TDE just kept on dancing.
"By golly, yew are useless," Osaka remarked in exasperation.
"They did warn you," Mini-Chiyo pointed.
An explosion rocked the Spitfire. "Chiyo! What was that!?"
"You a got a hole on your left wing!" Kagura exclaimed. Osaka turned left and noticed the hole the size of a basketball on her wing.
"Ah shoot! Some'won threw a kitchen sink at us." Then her left dipped slightly. "Whoa there! I may need to patch it up with some Flex tape. There's nothing a lil' Flex tape can handle-"
PING! PING, PING,PIP-PIP-PING!PING!
-Battle of Britain OST - Battle in the Air plays-
"Ah no! Someone's shooting at us!" Osaka was now panicking. "Time for meh to engage many thrusters!" Osaka, it's a prop plane, not a space ship. Osaka dipped suddenly to her right to try to getaway from the pretty red plane. But she almost control once again.
"Ah no! Not again!" Osaka was now spinning all over the place once again while struggling with the stiffened controls with her noodle-y arms. In fact it made her so dizzy that she was gonna throw up. She opened her canopy and barfed into the heavens. Somehow, it blinded her pursuer.
"SCHEISSE!" cried the ace in the red place as he lost sight from the pizza, octopus balls, tonkatsu ramen all over the canopy.
Osaka, still trying to recover from her barthing, accidentally pressed the trigger. She let loose a long burst of .303 ammo into the Me-109, causing it to explode. You can hear the desperate nein! amidst the thunder of the fireball.
-Battle of Britain OST - End Title plays-
She saw what she did and was proud. "Yay! Ah did it! Nao ah got four kills-" The planes debris slammed into her Spit, including the wings, which sliced off both her wings. Her plane remained in mid-air for a while.
-record scratch-
"Ah, fiddlesticks." Osaka pouted at this turn of events.
And her Spit broke apart in a million pieces, leaving her in her seat and still holding the control yoke. Then she dropped like a rock.
"Ah no! Ah'm fallin'!" Osaka was panicking, clinging to her seat. Mini-Chiyo darted for her seat-belt and unbuckled it, letting Osaka loose.
"Pull the ripcord, Osaka!" she urged. Osaka did and she was lifted briefly up in the air before she floated down.
"Hey, thanks, Mini-Chiyo, what would ah dew without yah?" she thanked as she floated downward. Then Tiny Desk Engineer floated beside them in his own parachute, much to their surprise.
"Yeeeeehh!"
To be continued...
A/N: Here is the full introduction of Doki Doki Literature Club; Team Fortress 2; and Lord of the Rings. The flight combat sequence was largely inspired by War Thunder, Dunkirk, the Battle of Britain, with a sprinkling of Youtuber SMG4's body of work.
So what's next? How will Osaka save the day? How will she defeat the evil Monika and her grip in the multiverse? Will she stop her in time? Would this even be called a nightmare? Find out on the thrilling conclusion of Osaka's surreal heroic journey!