Fitzwilliam Darcy: Former Child Star

Chapter Two: This Really Hurts

"Ow, Ow."

Everyone in L.A. has a slash in their job description. Nurse Bertha's is masochist-slash-nurse. I think it should be important to observe when people's slashes make them into oxymorons… or just plain old morons.

"This really hurts you nasty cow!" I shouted as the woman pressed my nose. It was obviously broken. Trained medical professional my ass!

"I'm beginning to understand why that woman punched you," Nurse Bertha said with a wicked smile. Wicked smiles are very ominous signs when someone has access to your pain threshold.

"She was merely trying to help society," my best friend said from the chair in my little cot area at the hospital. I was a bit put-out that they couldn't give me a private room, or even a room for that matter, and that my best friend, who I'd called in search of moral support, was merely reading a tabloid magazine and ignoring the plight of his companion. Not to mention mocking my distress. "If anything she deserves a medal."

Nurse Bertha laughed. I hardly saw amusement in such a comment. "Oh very funny Nick," I shot sarcastically. I don't think the sarcasm came across right. Have you ever tried to be sarcastic with a broken nose? It's rather difficult- you come out sounding more Porky Pig minus the stutter.

Nick, once again laughed at my expense. Nurse Bertha took liberties by pressing my nose hard once again. Was the woman taping it up, or just trying to break it even more? While she, painfully, finished her "delicate" work, I quickly calculated the odds of me walking out of this without needing a nose job. I was twenty-six… hardly even into my plastic surgery phase!

Nick was whistling as we left my non-private room area. He looked oddly amused. I considered punching him to see if he would still seem amused after that.

"Is that the girl that punched you?" Nick asked pointing to the sales girl that sat on a cot of her own, with one doctor wrapping up her right hand and a cop talking to her and taking notes.

"Yes that's her," I muttered. I winced. Note to self: Don't mutter with a broken nose.

"She's pretty hot. Maybe I should introduce myself." Nick was staring at the girl. He wasn't honestly considering… "Do you think she's as physical in the bedroom?"

I was beginning to understand why people punch other people. Although… There's hardly any justification for sales girl punching me. That was horribly uncalled for. "No," I growled. Man! Was there no way of speaking that wouldn't hurt?

"You know what?" Nick asked, looking as though he'd had a brilliant idea. I'm very familiar with Nick's "brilliant ideas." They hardly ever end well. "You need an assistant, don't you?"

"Yes," I grunted. Once again it came out sounding more like an oink.

"Well there you go." I still didn't get where he was going with this, but he dragged me over to Sales Girl before I could protest. "Hi, we'd just really like to apologize to this young lady about Fitz here's actions and to explain that we wouldn't like to press charges," Nick said. I think having a broken nose has made my brain stop working. How did I let Nick say that whole sentence without stopping him?

"Really?" Sales Girl asked cautiously.

No not really!

"Yes, of course," Nick said with a gracious smile.

"You're not pressing charges?" the officer asked.

"Why would we?" Nick asked and took the officer aside, using all his lawyer talents to sweet-talk the officer.

"I guess I'm sorry too then" Sales Girl said to me while Nick and the officer had a little sidebar about the incident. Sales Girl hardly looked sorry. In fact she looked as though she couldn't care less.

"Sure you are," I drawled… or tried to.

The girl shrugged. "Okay. Well, maybe I'm not."

At least she was upfront about it. And she did have a couple of broken fingers from the looks of it. "Did you get fired?" I asked.

Maybe I sounded a bit more pleased by such an idea than I should have. Sales Girl looked contemptuous again. I guess my pleasure didn't go unnoticed. "Of course I got fired and I'll have a hell of a time trying to get a new job without a reference. Not many places hire employees that like to punch customers," she said, sounding quite sad actually.

"I should hope not!" I said, without thinking. She now looked murderous as well as sad. I felt a bit guilty. Even super famous people are capable of guilt, you know. We stood there for a few moments, the doctor finishing with her hand and explaining that she'd have to keep the cast on for four weeks.

"So you need a job?" I asked, an idea finally coming to me.

Sales Girl nodded.

"Well it's your lucky day. I need an assistant!" I said triumphantly. This would be perfect. Now I could fill the position without having to do interviews with silly girls that only seem to want my autograph. Or at least… they never say no when I offer them one.

Sales Girl laughed. I think she thought I was kidding. She stopped when she noticed that I hadn't laughed as well. "No way!" she shouted, protesting as soon as she realized that I was giving her a job.

This actually almost made me laugh. She could pretend all she wanted… I bet you anything she secretly really wanted this job. Who wouldn't? "Listen, I hate to do this, but my lawyer is over there negotiating for your freedom. You could be charged with battery, if he doesn't. Now, you wouldn't want me to tell him to stop, would you?"

Sales Girl's mouth dropped when she realized that I was blackmailing her. She must be new to L.A. if she was that shocked. Eventually her shoulder slumped in defeat and I knew I was victorious. I had a new personal assistant, thank God! I was sure I'd have to commit such atrocities like… making my own cup of coffee. "Great!" I smiled, but it hurt my nose, and extended my hand to her. "I'm Fitzwilliam Darcy, your new boss."

Sales Girl took it grudgingly. "Keily Konners. Your new personal slave."

I've gotten some sweet reviews. That rocks! You guys were right... Sales Girl is our Lizzy. Her name is Keily and she just happens to also be Fitz's new PA. I picture Nick as our Rchard Fitzwillaim... but he'll play a much bigger role. There will be a Wikham-like character... except he's not really a jerk. I don't see a Jane or Charlie ever appearing... but I was considering a Collins and Charolette. I'm trying to keep this short so I don't want to add every available plot.

This is a lighthearted thing here peeps. I don't care if it's logical or realistic. It's meant to be kind of different. I gave Darcy a bit of a new spin... he's somewhat deluded. He's a child star... give the guy a break! It wasn't really blackmail. She probably would have taken the job anyway... maybe.

Haha.

Dee, I'm quite glad you liked it. You know what I like? Twenty Months. You know what I really, really want? ...Besides a life supply of markers... is an update of Twenty Months. Please!!! I am literally begging you!