"Ar, please, we are desperate for you to say something" Spencer begged her tiny friend. The girls were all circled around Aria who was laying in her bed at home. The girls had taken shifts at first to come and sit with her, but she had been home for 2 weeks now and she still wasn't talking. Hannah came up with the suggestion that an ambush might be the only option that they haven't tried yet. "We know you've been through hell, or at least we assume cause you haven't said anything to us, but please let us help you. Talk to us, tell us what you need, please Aria" Emily begged her friend. But Aria barely even registered what her friends were saying, she was only vaguely aware of their presence. Since it happened, she felt a complete disconnect from her body, everything had slowed down and become muddled. She couldn't tell them what she wanted even if she knew. Aria knew only one thing; she didn't feel anything anymore.
"Ok we're taking off now, we love you" Hannah said a couple hours later as the girls were leaving. They had given up hope on Aria speaking so they put in a movie and tried to lighten the mood, hoping that they were helping her even a little. Aria stared across her room, seeing the TV, but not being able to register anything about the movie. From the corner of her eye she could see her Mom watching her from the doorway. Every time she had seen Ella since coming home from the hospital she looked at her like she was just sad and broken and Aria couldn't stand that look. She pushed her favourite green blanket off of her body and made her way to her bathroom, avoiding looking into Ella's eyes.
Aria cranked the hot water in the shower. Since that night, she had been unable to feel truly clean. She showered at least twice a day; sometimes her skin was left red, raw and nearly bleeding when she tired of scrubbing. Her sweats were kicked off and thrown into the corner of the room as she stepped into the already steaming shower. Aria stood under the stream of water for a time, as images from that night flew through her mind tears began flowing from her eyes. She could still feel his hands on her body, his mouth on her skin, him, inside of her, ripping her insides, both in reality and metaphorically. Aria picked up a washcloth, filled it with body wash and began scrubbing her skin. The smell caused her to close her eyes as a memory came flooding back to her. 'Ezra' she laughed as he wrapped his wet arms around her, his still wet hair dripping down on her as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips. He leaned back, but she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his lips back down to meet hers. 'You smell like me' she whispered minutes later when their lips parted so the couple could catch their breath. 'My soap was all gone, I had to borrow yours' he laughed as he tightened his grip on her waist and pulled her body into his as they lips met once again.
Aria was sobbing as the memories over took her. She had to sit down in the tub, as her legs were shaking and she pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them as she finally let some emotions out. "Ezra" she quietly sobbed, as she let the water rain down over her as she slowly worked towards getting her emotions under control. Aria had not cried, this was the first time since that night and now she was struggling to stop. Eventually her breathing was under control but the tears didn't seem to be able to stop. She reached out and finally turned the water off, giving up hope that the tears would actually end. Wrapping a large towel around herself, she stepped out of the shower and made her way back into her bedroom. Aria was relieved when she saw that her mother was no longer leaning in her doorway, watching how pitiful she had become.
-
Ella had heard Aria when she started crying, and although Ella had no desire to see, or hear, her daughter upset, she was glad that Aria was finally beginning to work through some of the emotions that she had to be feeling. Ella left Aria's doorway and made her way downstairs. Since Aria came home from the hospital she had unofficially moved back in the home. Both she and Byron had agreed that the more people that could be there for her the better their chances were at helping her to come through this. Although no one actually knew for sure what had happened that night the doctor's informed Byron and Ella that the likelihood that the sex that Aria had was consensual was extremely unlikely. The internal damage that had been caused would have been extremely painful to endure and the external injuries all point to signs of a highly aggressive rape. Hearing this had been one of the hardest things that Ella had ever had to swallow in terms of her daughter, but she was trying to remain strong so that she could be there when Aria was ready to talk.
"Has she said anything?" Byron asked when Ella came into the kitchen and dropped into the seat next to him. Sadly and slowly she shook her head, "I don't know what to do to help her. She isn't even talking to her friends. I'm worried about what is going to happen to her if she can't come back from this". Byron leaned over and wrapped an arm around Ella's shoulders, gently pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "She's going to be okay, Aria had always taken her own time to process things. Our little girl is strong, she will make it through this". Byron wished he could believe in those things himself. Unfortunately he wasn't blind to the changes that he had seen in Aria since bringing her home. She had been losing weight, hardly eating; her eyes were vacant as though all the sparkle that had once been part of Aria was gone. She wouldn't allow anyone to hug her or hold her and could only stand and hand on her for short periods of time. This was one of the most difficult parts for Byron, he wanted to hold his little girl and help take all her pain away.
-
Upstairs Aria was pulling fresh clothes out of her dresser. She closed her bedroom door, taking a moment to relish in the peace of being alone. She put on some black yoga pants and a maroon coloured long sleeve shirt. She ran a brush through her hair, pulling on the tangles roughly before making her way over to her bed, shaking out her blanket and climbing back into her cocoon. Showering took a lot of energy, although it seemed that anything that Aria actually did lately took all the energy she possessed. She knew it had to be hard on her friends and family seeing her the way she was but she just did not have it within her to act any differently. She looked over at her phone as she heard the constant vibrations. Her friends, especially Emily, had been in communication with her at all times making sure she knew they were there for her. She'd heard from Ezra a couple of times but had been unable to respond. Aria has been proud of herself for maintaining her distance prior to that night, but the struggle was more challenging than ever before as she felt that Ezra might be the only one who could actually bring some comfort to her. Turning away from her phone Aria pulled the blankets up over her head and tried to block out the world.
-
Ezra dropped his phone beside him on the couch. He was pissed that Aria had been ignoring him for weeks now. He understood that they were not in a relationship and he had severely, possibly irreparably, damaged what they had once had. But she had just cut off communication with him without warning. They had spent a couple nights together since his return from the hospital and had been talking; he believed that they were slowly progressing back to what they had once been. Then it all abruptly stopped; no more texts, snaps, e-mails or phone calls and no reasoning behind it. Ezra didn't like to admit it but he was struggling to function without her in his life. He missed her and was willing to do whatever she needed to help build up her trust in him again. Making his way into the kitchen he pulled a beer out of the fridge, threw the top into the sink and made his way back to the couch. Ezra had been drinking more lately than he ever had before, but it was the only thing to help him keep his mind off of the pain of having hurt Aria and the occasional nightmares that he'd been having about the night A shot him. He had never told Aria about the nightmares since she already felt too guilty about his being shot to begin with. Ezra downed his beer, grabbed another and settled in for a night of drowning his sorrows.
-
Aria awoke, not for the first time and likely not the last time, with a scream trapped in her throat. She was covered in a layer or cold sweat and her heart was racing. This had become a nightly occurrence for her. She had not been able to sleep through the night once since it happened. If she tried to go back to sleep after one of her dreams she would always awaken with another nightmare. Most times once she woke up she was up for the rest of the night. But in reality, Aria honestly didn't mind the short sleeps. It was only a little after 4 am but she felt more alive, more like the old her during the night. When nobody else was around to watch her she was able to relax a little and try and figure out how she was going to get over all this. Aria blindly reached around on the floor, feeling for her laptop. Once her hand came into contact with the cool plastic casing she wrapped her hand around it and pulled it up into her bed.
Sitting up in bed, leaning back against the wall, Aria opened her computer and turned it on for the first time in days. Immediately new e-mail notifications started blinking in the top corner of her screen. Most of which were junk but a couple from her teachers who had agreed to send her assignments for a little while so she wouldn't get too far behind. Aria had no idea what her mother had said to them but she was glad that she wasn't being pressured into returning because she knew that she was not in a place where that was a possibility for her right now. Usually she would do her assignments and get them back to her teachers pretty quickly, but she wasn't in the mood to look at history homework right now. As she clicked through her inbox there was a new one from Ezra. It was no longer the norm for couples to e-mail back and forth, but for her and Ezra it had been a beautiful way to connect. Ezra was so often poetic in his writings; she was always excited to read what new thoughts and ideas he had had. Lately any e-mails from his involved apologizing, declaring his love and even hints of his frustration at her for ignoring him.
Aria did feel guilty about hurting him but in the same breath she was enraged that he had the audacity to be angry with her. Ezra was the one who had done the betraying and although she wanted to forgive and forget it was proving to be very difficult. She saw that he was on-line, but quickly turned her messenger off, not wanting to provide him with an opportunity to talk with her. Although Aria hadn't been able to concentrate on what the girls were talking about when they were visiting with her she did remember Hanna discussing Ezra. "We know how you felt about him and believe me I get it, remember Caleb and that whole Jenna debacle? But Aria what he did was so much more than that, he has been lying to you for years, spying on us, on you. Using you. Whatever you decide we will be behind you. Maybe not Spence, at least not right away, but we love you and we want you to be happy. If Ezra is what makes you happy and you think that he can help you with this you need to tell us and we will get him here for you. But we won't do it unless you tell us to, okay?" Hanna had laid next to Aria in bed for hours that night while Aria honestly thought about what Hanna said. Hanna kissed Aria's cheek and whispered, "Love you" when she left later that night. Aria then allowed herself to admit what she so desperately wanted and she quietly said, "I want him" to nobody.