pre style="word-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;""What happened to her?" came his throaty whisper.
"Oh, Mulder, don't make me tell you that. . . "
He jerked form her like he'd been burned, and she had a hard time keeping her face from cracking.
"Tell me, Dana Scully. Tell me why it hurts so much, why it makes me hate myself."
"I don't know why, I don't know. I don't think you should hate yourself for it, but you do anyway."
"Tell me," he hissed, his eyes different to her, more spiteful, less Mulder.
So she told him, standing with her back turned from him, putting as much distance, emotionally, as she could. It didn't work. She felt her heart fragment and burn away, just as it had when Roche had claimed horrible things to him. When she had wanted to stand up and spit in his face for hurting Mulder so much.
She felt the same now, but it could not be directed at any one thing,
and so she looked away and let him cry over Samantha. It was the frist time she'd seen him cry about her. Usually he talked about it under the cloak of his wild, self-protecting alien theories, or with the almost breaking down of a man in constant contained torture.
He was crying now.
She couldn't just stand there.
She went to him again, despite the fear that he, the only one she trusted, would push her away.
She touched his shoulder and he turned his face toward her.
"Thank you, thank you for telling me," he whispered, and it was hte old Mulder again. The one who could get anything when he looked at her like that.
She carefully slipped her arm around him and held him close to her. He collapsed onto her body, heavy and firm, very man and very vulnerable.
She wanted to kiss him.
She tuned the thought out and let her fingers run through his long hanging bangs.
"What is X-File?"
She felt her heart slow and her bloos speed up, causing her body to shake a little.
"It's all the files that the government either doesn't want solved, or thiks are too weird for regular agents. To us, it's the truth, the only thing that holds the answers, if we can get to them before they're gone."
He breathed in and out, then sat up, eyeing her. "What was the question?"
She was floored.
What was the question?
She had been with the X-Files, searching for answers, telling him she already knew the truth, just wanted answers, and she didn't even know the full extent of the question.
"I guess I always trusted you to have the question. But there are many of them. What happened to your sister, can you get her back, why did they kill my sister, and your father, and just how much was he-"
"Oky, I get the idea." He sat back in the couch and watched her for a moment. "Why do you stick with me?"
because i love you because i need you because my life without you is worse than my life with everyone else who was taken from me
"Because it's my search too."
"Oh, a territorial kind of thing. Don't want to give up something that could be good."
If he hadn't already been suffering from amnesia, she would have slapped him.
"No." she said coldly.
"Well, that's not good enough. Sounds to me like you've lost a lot, your sister for one. So why stick with it?"
"Well that's the way it is, sorry if it isn't good enough."
"That's not 'the way it is', Dana Scully. I can see it in your blue eyes, that's very much not the way it is. So how is it?"
it is that i love you and i could never leave you and don't want to and never ever will they separate us because...
"I don't know, ask mulder."
"I am Mulder."
"So answer it."
Scully was getting uncomfortable. This was unexplored country and she didn't want anything coming out because he was conked half out of his mind.
"I think," he saod slowly, "it's because you . . . well, no, something like that should be so simple, right? So easy."
oh dear God he knows he knows
"Not everything is so simple, so easy."
She was shaking.
"Maybe not in your world, our world."
He was smiling perculiarly . . . Mulder the Cheshire Cat.
"Definitely not easy in our world."
"So make it easy." HIs eyes lifted and she could see fever approaching.
She stood and pulled his legs down all the way, and hten pulled the throw over his shivering body.
"Don't change the subject," he said.
"I didn't say anything," she protested.
"In your face you did. It changed subtly. One of those, I was in the mood to talk but now it's uncomfortable so I'm not anymore."
"You're pretty annoying when your mind goes, Mulder." she sighed.
"You're pretty beautiful when you're annoyed."
She froze, then righted herself swiftly away from his intense eyes.
"Can I not tell you that? Without you freezing up? It's nothing romantic, it's the truth. What happened to your seacrh for the truth?"
He was teasing her. She could deal with that, she knew that.
"As far as I remember, it never entailed questioning the details of my outward appearance." she said with a quirky almost smile.
"Well, from now on, it will. I promise to tell you a truth at least once a month, just to remind you. But I really wasn't talking about your outward appearance. I was talking about your soul; it's beautiful."/pre
"Oh, Mulder, don't make me tell you that. . . "
He jerked form her like he'd been burned, and she had a hard time keeping her face from cracking.
"Tell me, Dana Scully. Tell me why it hurts so much, why it makes me hate myself."
"I don't know why, I don't know. I don't think you should hate yourself for it, but you do anyway."
"Tell me," he hissed, his eyes different to her, more spiteful, less Mulder.
So she told him, standing with her back turned from him, putting as much distance, emotionally, as she could. It didn't work. She felt her heart fragment and burn away, just as it had when Roche had claimed horrible things to him. When she had wanted to stand up and spit in his face for hurting Mulder so much.
She felt the same now, but it could not be directed at any one thing,
and so she looked away and let him cry over Samantha. It was the frist time she'd seen him cry about her. Usually he talked about it under the cloak of his wild, self-protecting alien theories, or with the almost breaking down of a man in constant contained torture.
He was crying now.
She couldn't just stand there.
She went to him again, despite the fear that he, the only one she trusted, would push her away.
She touched his shoulder and he turned his face toward her.
"Thank you, thank you for telling me," he whispered, and it was hte old Mulder again. The one who could get anything when he looked at her like that.
She carefully slipped her arm around him and held him close to her. He collapsed onto her body, heavy and firm, very man and very vulnerable.
She wanted to kiss him.
She tuned the thought out and let her fingers run through his long hanging bangs.
"What is X-File?"
She felt her heart slow and her bloos speed up, causing her body to shake a little.
"It's all the files that the government either doesn't want solved, or thiks are too weird for regular agents. To us, it's the truth, the only thing that holds the answers, if we can get to them before they're gone."
He breathed in and out, then sat up, eyeing her. "What was the question?"
She was floored.
What was the question?
She had been with the X-Files, searching for answers, telling him she already knew the truth, just wanted answers, and she didn't even know the full extent of the question.
"I guess I always trusted you to have the question. But there are many of them. What happened to your sister, can you get her back, why did they kill my sister, and your father, and just how much was he-"
"Oky, I get the idea." He sat back in the couch and watched her for a moment. "Why do you stick with me?"
because i love you because i need you because my life without you is worse than my life with everyone else who was taken from me
"Because it's my search too."
"Oh, a territorial kind of thing. Don't want to give up something that could be good."
If he hadn't already been suffering from amnesia, she would have slapped him.
"No." she said coldly.
"Well, that's not good enough. Sounds to me like you've lost a lot, your sister for one. So why stick with it?"
"Well that's the way it is, sorry if it isn't good enough."
"That's not 'the way it is', Dana Scully. I can see it in your blue eyes, that's very much not the way it is. So how is it?"
it is that i love you and i could never leave you and don't want to and never ever will they separate us because...
"I don't know, ask mulder."
"I am Mulder."
"So answer it."
Scully was getting uncomfortable. This was unexplored country and she didn't want anything coming out because he was conked half out of his mind.
"I think," he saod slowly, "it's because you . . . well, no, something like that should be so simple, right? So easy."
oh dear God he knows he knows
"Not everything is so simple, so easy."
She was shaking.
"Maybe not in your world, our world."
He was smiling perculiarly . . . Mulder the Cheshire Cat.
"Definitely not easy in our world."
"So make it easy." HIs eyes lifted and she could see fever approaching.
She stood and pulled his legs down all the way, and hten pulled the throw over his shivering body.
"Don't change the subject," he said.
"I didn't say anything," she protested.
"In your face you did. It changed subtly. One of those, I was in the mood to talk but now it's uncomfortable so I'm not anymore."
"You're pretty annoying when your mind goes, Mulder." she sighed.
"You're pretty beautiful when you're annoyed."
She froze, then righted herself swiftly away from his intense eyes.
"Can I not tell you that? Without you freezing up? It's nothing romantic, it's the truth. What happened to your seacrh for the truth?"
He was teasing her. She could deal with that, she knew that.
"As far as I remember, it never entailed questioning the details of my outward appearance." she said with a quirky almost smile.
"Well, from now on, it will. I promise to tell you a truth at least once a month, just to remind you. But I really wasn't talking about your outward appearance. I was talking about your soul; it's beautiful."/pre