WOW! Great response for my first effort makes me VERY happy. In fact so
happy I have had a huge spurt of inspiration and have decided to submit a
new chapter asap. So if it's rushed and rubbish you lovely reviewers have
only yourselves to blame. (j/k, this is but a pathetic attempt to cover my
own back if I'm lousy).
Anyways, these lovely reviewers will get a little special mention because I've seen this done and think it's cool. My enormous gratitude for such encouragement.
Marauder-obsessed – Your spelling is fine – and at least YOU can tell the difference between Philosopher and Sorcerer, that's been bugging me for AGES
Bookluva87 – Woohoo! Another person with a penchant for the word YAY! I'm not the only one!
Starhawk9 – I watched the first and vowed not to go near any more. Then curiosity got the better of me and I watched some of the 2nd.... BIG MISTAKE.
JBlack – Ta, and is JBlack any relation to the master Jack Black? If it is I'm very happy. If not, you gave a nice review so I loves ya anyways
And Rach, my sister, and scarily enough my mystery lover apparently, thanks for reading this first and telling me it wasn't too rubbish to share.
So on with the show...
Chapter 2: A peck of owls...
Is that a typo? Pack of owls? E is pretty near A on the keyboard. But wait, didn't JKR write this on sugar packets and used tissues? OH! I geddit! It's a joke! Riiiight.. a-ha a-HA...
The story so far...
HARRY, our 'Hero' has just encountered DEMENTORS. He has also discovered that his "AMUSINGLY BATTY NEIGHBOUR", MRS FIGG, is a squib
(if you don't know what that is I suggest you read HP before looking at the fan fics for it, walk before you can skydive and everything). Her blunt manner and language – example – "fat bottom" – is down to earth and FUNNY – FUNNY I tell you!
MUNDUNGUS arrives, who promises to be an interesting character but as he isn't 100% perfect or tragic he gets far too little time.
MUNDUNGUS: You see, I was....
And we move straight onto HARRY
HARRY: (interrupting) Why couldn't I have a skinnier cousin? Or meet some nice people?
DUDLEY: Uuurrrrgh...
VERNON: Have you been mugged son?
AUDIENCE: (rolling eyes) He's probably over 20 stone, without
a scratch on him. And the pathetic weedy one is perfectly fine...
HARRY: HEY! Weedy? And fine? I've been dragging this lump
around for ages, my friends won't talk to me, and I've had to
fight...
AUDIENCE: Quit your whining, there's plenty worse off than
you. You have over 700 pages left in which to wallow in self
pity. Anyway, Vernon mate, what part of this situation looks
like a mugging?
VERNON: Ruddy-Dudders (insert alternative gross nickname
here, one that any normal person would have told their parents
to stop calling them by the age of 7) Who – did – this – to –
you?
DUDLEY: I have no evidential proof, I saw nothing, clearly
heard him say don't go near them, but I'm grumpy about being
typecast as a stupid, bullying skinhead, so I'll say – HIM!
HARRY: You ungrateful sod. (Whilst I appear to have been
abused by this stunningly undeveloped family I still have no
fear of the consequences of insulting family members. This makes
me BRAVE, not arrogant and stupid.)
VERNON: YOU – BOY!!! What – have – you – done – to – my –
son?!!
An OWL arrives, only to nearly drown in the spray of unnecessary
punctuation
MINISTRY: You're expelled
JK: "Harry read the letter through twice"
HARRY: Whaddya have to go and say that for? Now I sound
stupid...
JK: You are – most of the audience realized Snape COULDN'T
have been the baddie in the Philosopher's Stone (A/N: The
Special Rock in the States – sorry – that's specially for
Marauders-obsessed, I think I'm overlabouring that point) by the
fifth time I mentioned he was doing something suspicious. It's
called misdirection, jackass.
The orchestra kicks in a little late with low deep meaningful
music signifying that Harry's world is O-V-E-R
HARRY: I'm going.
VERNON: You! Stay – and – fix – my – son!
Another OWL arrives
ARTHUR: Stay
HARRY: I'm staying
VERNON: What – happened?
HARRY: Since it doesn't occur to me to lie, I'll tell you
the truth even though it won't mean anything to you – it was
DEMENTORS
PETUNIA: Dementors?
HARRY: How the hell do you know?
PETUNIA: Jesus boy, I was your bloody mother's sister for
over two decades, I did pick SOME THINGS up. Idiot.
VERNON: Dementoes?
AUDIENCE: He got the name wrong. We feel superior and this is
also funny.
VERNON: Demintyfreshness?
Some of the audience fall off their seats laughing this is so
funny. Some of the audience need to spend more time outdoors.
VERNON: Dismembers? They – must – be – after – you! You!
Boy! OUT!
HARRY: I! Stay! You! Git! Jeez, do you KNOW how much spit
you release with each exclamation?
Another OWL enters, this one a poor CG one as the studio have
run out of stunt owls. DUDLEY looks slightly larger and rather
guilty.
SIRIUS: Stay.
HARRY: OK! Godammit! I'm staying.
VERNON: Demisters?
HARRY: YES! Probably sent by Voldemort. He's back by the
way. Thought I'd mention it to you who it means nothing to,
PETUNIA: Holy crap.
HARRY: You know? Again?
JKR: "All of a sudden, for the very first time in his life,
Harry fully appreciated that Aunt Petunia was his mother's
sister. He could not have said why it hit him so fully at this
moment."
The AUDIENCE becomes terribly excited as this is a CLUE, and
many will go on to create more and more elaborate stories as to
why this was. Probably including incest and resurrection. This
worked well for the Bible, so why not? (A/N: This is merely an
aside, not a pointed comment. I will accept criticism for this
though.)
VERNON: OUT!!!
A HOWLER arrives, which looks suspiciously like a big red CG
hand puppet.
DISMEMBERED VOICE: Remember my last Petunia.
In film form something will happen to the voice to disguise it
as Dumbledore's. When writing it is easy for JK to omit that
valuable piece of information, and just requires us to believe
that Harry is so ignorant he wouldn't recognize a voice he has
known for years.
AUDIENCE: Remember my last Petunia? OOOOH GOODY! Another CLUE...
HARRY: Wow, what a threatening message
PETUNIA: Vernon – the twerp stays. Now excuse me as I go
upstairs to change my underwear.
The twerp stays. Petunia changes her underwear. Dudley recovers
almost immediately and goes up in secret to water his orchids.
Just because he's a bully doesn't mean that's all there is to
him.
VERNON: DEMENTED? Hur hur...
Sorry it's not as good as the first – but please keep R&Ring and it WILL improve. I promise.
Anyways, these lovely reviewers will get a little special mention because I've seen this done and think it's cool. My enormous gratitude for such encouragement.
Marauder-obsessed – Your spelling is fine – and at least YOU can tell the difference between Philosopher and Sorcerer, that's been bugging me for AGES
Bookluva87 – Woohoo! Another person with a penchant for the word YAY! I'm not the only one!
Starhawk9 – I watched the first and vowed not to go near any more. Then curiosity got the better of me and I watched some of the 2nd.... BIG MISTAKE.
JBlack – Ta, and is JBlack any relation to the master Jack Black? If it is I'm very happy. If not, you gave a nice review so I loves ya anyways
And Rach, my sister, and scarily enough my mystery lover apparently, thanks for reading this first and telling me it wasn't too rubbish to share.
So on with the show...
Chapter 2: A peck of owls...
Is that a typo? Pack of owls? E is pretty near A on the keyboard. But wait, didn't JKR write this on sugar packets and used tissues? OH! I geddit! It's a joke! Riiiight.. a-ha a-HA...
The story so far...
HARRY, our 'Hero' has just encountered DEMENTORS. He has also discovered that his "AMUSINGLY BATTY NEIGHBOUR", MRS FIGG, is a squib
(if you don't know what that is I suggest you read HP before looking at the fan fics for it, walk before you can skydive and everything). Her blunt manner and language – example – "fat bottom" – is down to earth and FUNNY – FUNNY I tell you!
MUNDUNGUS arrives, who promises to be an interesting character but as he isn't 100% perfect or tragic he gets far too little time.
MUNDUNGUS: You see, I was....
And we move straight onto HARRY
HARRY: (interrupting) Why couldn't I have a skinnier cousin? Or meet some nice people?
DUDLEY: Uuurrrrgh...
VERNON: Have you been mugged son?
AUDIENCE: (rolling eyes) He's probably over 20 stone, without
a scratch on him. And the pathetic weedy one is perfectly fine...
HARRY: HEY! Weedy? And fine? I've been dragging this lump
around for ages, my friends won't talk to me, and I've had to
fight...
AUDIENCE: Quit your whining, there's plenty worse off than
you. You have over 700 pages left in which to wallow in self
pity. Anyway, Vernon mate, what part of this situation looks
like a mugging?
VERNON: Ruddy-Dudders (insert alternative gross nickname
here, one that any normal person would have told their parents
to stop calling them by the age of 7) Who – did – this – to –
you?
DUDLEY: I have no evidential proof, I saw nothing, clearly
heard him say don't go near them, but I'm grumpy about being
typecast as a stupid, bullying skinhead, so I'll say – HIM!
HARRY: You ungrateful sod. (Whilst I appear to have been
abused by this stunningly undeveloped family I still have no
fear of the consequences of insulting family members. This makes
me BRAVE, not arrogant and stupid.)
VERNON: YOU – BOY!!! What – have – you – done – to – my –
son?!!
An OWL arrives, only to nearly drown in the spray of unnecessary
punctuation
MINISTRY: You're expelled
JK: "Harry read the letter through twice"
HARRY: Whaddya have to go and say that for? Now I sound
stupid...
JK: You are – most of the audience realized Snape COULDN'T
have been the baddie in the Philosopher's Stone (A/N: The
Special Rock in the States – sorry – that's specially for
Marauders-obsessed, I think I'm overlabouring that point) by the
fifth time I mentioned he was doing something suspicious. It's
called misdirection, jackass.
The orchestra kicks in a little late with low deep meaningful
music signifying that Harry's world is O-V-E-R
HARRY: I'm going.
VERNON: You! Stay – and – fix – my – son!
Another OWL arrives
ARTHUR: Stay
HARRY: I'm staying
VERNON: What – happened?
HARRY: Since it doesn't occur to me to lie, I'll tell you
the truth even though it won't mean anything to you – it was
DEMENTORS
PETUNIA: Dementors?
HARRY: How the hell do you know?
PETUNIA: Jesus boy, I was your bloody mother's sister for
over two decades, I did pick SOME THINGS up. Idiot.
VERNON: Dementoes?
AUDIENCE: He got the name wrong. We feel superior and this is
also funny.
VERNON: Demintyfreshness?
Some of the audience fall off their seats laughing this is so
funny. Some of the audience need to spend more time outdoors.
VERNON: Dismembers? They – must – be – after – you! You!
Boy! OUT!
HARRY: I! Stay! You! Git! Jeez, do you KNOW how much spit
you release with each exclamation?
Another OWL enters, this one a poor CG one as the studio have
run out of stunt owls. DUDLEY looks slightly larger and rather
guilty.
SIRIUS: Stay.
HARRY: OK! Godammit! I'm staying.
VERNON: Demisters?
HARRY: YES! Probably sent by Voldemort. He's back by the
way. Thought I'd mention it to you who it means nothing to,
PETUNIA: Holy crap.
HARRY: You know? Again?
JKR: "All of a sudden, for the very first time in his life,
Harry fully appreciated that Aunt Petunia was his mother's
sister. He could not have said why it hit him so fully at this
moment."
The AUDIENCE becomes terribly excited as this is a CLUE, and
many will go on to create more and more elaborate stories as to
why this was. Probably including incest and resurrection. This
worked well for the Bible, so why not? (A/N: This is merely an
aside, not a pointed comment. I will accept criticism for this
though.)
VERNON: OUT!!!
A HOWLER arrives, which looks suspiciously like a big red CG
hand puppet.
DISMEMBERED VOICE: Remember my last Petunia.
In film form something will happen to the voice to disguise it
as Dumbledore's. When writing it is easy for JK to omit that
valuable piece of information, and just requires us to believe
that Harry is so ignorant he wouldn't recognize a voice he has
known for years.
AUDIENCE: Remember my last Petunia? OOOOH GOODY! Another CLUE...
HARRY: Wow, what a threatening message
PETUNIA: Vernon – the twerp stays. Now excuse me as I go
upstairs to change my underwear.
The twerp stays. Petunia changes her underwear. Dudley recovers
almost immediately and goes up in secret to water his orchids.
Just because he's a bully doesn't mean that's all there is to
him.
VERNON: DEMENTED? Hur hur...
Sorry it's not as good as the first – but please keep R&Ring and it WILL improve. I promise.