Chapter 2

The Royal Treatment

Was it only a week ago? Gods it seems so much longer. Of course it really IS longer inside the dome, but after awhile nopony notices. I was sitting behind my desk working. At Monday nine in the firstnight, that meant eating a muffin and drinking coffee. I'm a bit tight with my bits, I'll admit it, but not when it comes to food. My coffee was real Jamarecan Blue Mountain coffee, and my muffin was a Derpy's Big Blueberry, imported all the way from Ponyville. By the Gods that mare can bake! I fully intend track her down, woo her, and marry her, as soon as my age catches up with hers.(Seven more years, just seven more years).

The name on my office door reads 'Johnny One Note- Private Investigations'. That is not my name. Never has been. The name that I used to get into this city was Johnny Appleseed, which caused one of the humans at the immigration desk no end of amusement for some reason. I used to play piano at a local nightclub (in this city, they are ALL nightclubs), before I managed to get my P.I. license approved for Luna's city. The 'One Note' got added after a particularly bad bar fight in which both my fore hooves were broken, and one of my forelegs. There wasn't much of Luna's peace and unity that night, especially for the minotaur that did it, heh, not after I got done kicking him in the coconuts until he could hit that one really high note.

My secretary Ori came into my office. She was looking pensive, not a look I was used to seeing. Before I had a chance to inquire, she spoke up.

"You have a visitor, in the waiting area. She says she wants to hire you." Ori said, in a nervous tone.

Ori had settled in well as my assistant. She was good at her job, and more importantly, she was sharp. Given a year or so and she'd be capable of running the place without me, and that included the legwork (there's a pun there, but I can't touch it without runes flaring menacing on my foreleg). So when she comes into my office looking unsettled, it's enough for me to pay attention.

"What's got you spooked Ori?" I asked. "Is she giving off a bad vibe. We're flush at the moment, so if you don't like the look of her, just send her packing.

"No can do boss." She replied, her manner becoming brittle, "One does not send the ruler of the city 'packing'… it's bad for business." She adds in gallows humor.

Ruler of the city? HERE? Luna, Princess of the Night, ruler of the Dark City of Whinnyappleous, and one of the most feared and respected beings on Equestria, was here…in my ramshackle office… wanting to hire me… oh this was bad… really, really, bad.

I took my feet of the desk, and wasted a few moments trying in vain to make both myself and my office presentable. Although I knew it was a waste of effort, my body went through the motions anyway, as my mind ran a mile a minute trying to figure out why, out of all the ponies in the city that Princess Luna had come to me. There were at least half a dozen PI's with longer runs, and better reps, than myself. And nicer offices too, I reflected, looking around at the thrift shop furniture that I had been so proud of acquiring only months before.

Well, there's no help for it Ori. Please send the Princess in." I said with a reluctant sigh, as I settled back into my chair, facing the door. I waited, my nerves on edge, as Ori made her way back into our tiny lobby. I had an idea why she had singled me out, but I hoped I was wrong. I couldn't afford a conflict of interest between her and my 'boss'. Such a thing could end up with me very, very dead. I had no other choice but to sit there and just hope for the best. Moments later there she was. Princess Luna herself, in all her glory.

Ponies always make a habit of underestimating her. She's younger and smaller that her sister Celestia, and, let's face it, cuter. But what they all fail to realize, is that she is still thousands of years old. And has spent those thousands of years immersed in the politics of royalty. She plays the game on a level that meant that a raised eyebrow could cost some pony their head in the old days. She's so sharp that you could cut yourself on her gaze if it turned on you the wrong way.

She settled into the chair opposite me without waiting to be asked. A breach of etiquette, a bad sign. Then she smiled at me, and every alarm bell in my head went off all at once. It took all my pose not to visibly wince at her. This was the smile of a hunting cat that had cornered a small mouse which had just somehow inexplicably found itself covered in tuna flavored catnip. I fought a sudden urge to squeak…

"Johnny One Note, what a charming name. Or is it Appleseed," she adds nonchalantly, "or perhaps…" she begins, as she slides over a folded slip of paper.

Without preamble, I unfold it and glance at what is written on it. Three simple words. My real name. A total of four living beings including myself, know this piece of information. Well, make that five now. I carefully fold the paper again, then eat it. Cinnamon flavored... classy.

"Ori, I want you to take the rest of the day off… with pay," I say. This is a bit of code between us, if I hadn't added the 'with pay' part, she would have left and come back with all the muscle and/or police she could rapidly lay hoof on. Adding the 'with pay' meant that everything was cool, but I needed some serious privacy. She has gotten to know me well enough to know that I keep certain parts of my life to myself, but that's all she knows about it. Which is good, cause I really like Ori. It would suck to have to kill her. Also, she makes really, good coffee.

She gives me the nod, and I wait until I hear the lobby door click and lock behind her, then I face my guest once more.

"All right your highness," I say, dropping all pretense. "You've proven beyond all doubt that yours, are in fact, the biggest. I choose not to ask how you found out that name, but I would like to inquire how many others know of it, just for my own piece of mind."

"No need to concern yourself on that regard Mr. Appleseed. May I call you Johnny?" she asks, I nod acceptance. "You won't need to go on any killing spree's, I got my information on you directly from my sister herself. We may have a mutual problem in the works, and after consulting her, she sent me to find you. She asked me to pass along the following message. She says as she passes over a much larger sheet of paper, also folded, sealed in wax with her sister's royal seal.

I broke the seal, and as I did so, I noticed a familiar, personal enchantment, which caused the runes on my foreleg to glow briefly. Well, if nothing else, I knew that the letter I held wasn't a forgery, only Celestia herself could do that. I began to read…

Dear favorite minion (at the moment),

If you'd bother to light your candle before bed, even briefly, I COULD have given you a heads up on my sister's upcoming visit. You're habit of only calling me when things have gotten completely out of hand is not only annoying, but also hurts my feelings. Don't you miss me? You'd BETTER miss me...

Anyway, Lulu came to me about a problem she has, that is remarkably similar to one of your most recent disasters. It seems one of AppleJack's relatives Babs Seed, has gone missing from the city. Sound familiar? Well, Applejack went straight to my sister, and she had her entire policing force, as well as the city's top PI's go over Whinnyappleous with a fine tooth comb, and none of them turned up anything. What's interesting is that even with hairs from Babs to use in location spells, there is still no evidence of her anywhere, and before you ask, that includes inside the food. Now perhaps it's only a coincidence that close relatives of two of the six heroes have gone missing in Luna's city, but if not, we could be looking at a situation. Consider this a chance for you to make up for Cocoa. I want you to help out my sister in every way possible until this situation is resolved.

Hugs, and kisses,

The Best Princess… Celestia

P.S. Hey, just for clops and giggles, ask sis if she still wets the bed… Go on, I diamond dog DARE you….

C.

My face goes beet red at the last, as I quickly fold the note.

"What?" Luna says, quick on the uptake. "What did she say? Did she say something personal again?" Wordlessly, I slide back the paper. I watch her eyes until she gets to the very bottom. I've never actually seen a princess go apoplectic before. It's a sight I won't soon forget. I also never saw a note incinerated with black fire before either. This I will ALSO not forget...

"THOU SHALT FORGET THY EVER READ THAT ADDENUM!" Luna says using the Royal Canterlot Voice.

I rub my ears uselessly attempting to stop the ringing. "Of course, your highness." I say, trying to sound professional.

"And in the outside chance you had wondered," she says, her voice returning to normal, "I have not now, nor have I ever wet the bed, that was always Celestia trying to put the blame on me. She'd switch mattresses with me with her magic, and then put on that baby kitten face, and mom just ate it up with a spoon. She's totally getting a mane full of fleas for her next birthday. But I digress…

In any event, my sister has told me about the tragic events that occurred with your secretary recently. And she assures me that if any pony can locate the missing Babs, that it would be you.

She passes me a slim manila envelope. "This contains all the information we have been able to gather concerning Babs, since her arrival in the city a year ago. There's not much to go on I'm afraid. I can only hope that you are able to find something that the others have missed. I am aware of the fact that you are… one of 'those' ponies," she says hesitantly. "I have no problem with you operating in my city. I have never had anything to hide from my sister. Feel free to go wherever the investigation leads you. Aside from information on Babs, you will also find inside that envelope a writ stating that you are working directly for me, and to allow you access to anything you need in my name. Consider it to basically be a key to my city. Turn over as many rocks as you need to bring Babs home safely," she says, steel in her voice.

I regard the envelope in my hand gravely. I spend a few moments considering my response. With her of all ponies, anything I say at this point will bind me, so I chose my next words carefully.

"Your highness," I say in measured tones. "I will of course do everything in my power to locate Babs. I'm sure by now that you've been advised on the fact that in most cases, when a pony goes missing in your city the body is made... unrecoverable." I hesitate over the last word. One doesn't simply tell their ruler that most of her missing subjects are turned into food for the carnivorous citizens that she is trying to integrate into her utopian society.

Luna looks at me sharply. "I am quite aware that my city has recently developed a 'rat' problem. Rest assured that extraordinary efforts are being made to quietly root out and remove ALL of these vermin from my city. I knew before ever inviting the carnivorous races to join my utopia, that they would continue to have the need for meat, but that meat need never have been that of a sentient race, of ANY kind." She says, her voice rising with anger.

Even without my special gift, I could tell that she was serious. I would really hate to be the 'Butcher' in the near future. "Your highness, I would consider it a great personal favor if, when you find that rats nest, you might offer me the chance in helping you with your... extermination efforts." Her eyes met mine. Looking into her sister's eyes was like staring into the sun itself. Celestia's radiance was blinding. But looking into Luna's eyes... It was like looking into infinity. There was a dark beauty there, a grace, and a strength that could be frightening. Oh crap... I was getting horny. What? I can't help it, I'm attracted to strong mares. Fuggeddaboutit...

"Done," she says with a satisfied smile. Apparently whatever she saw in my eyes met with her approval. "So how do you plan-" she began to say but my head jerked back in alarm.

No, this wasn't an expression. My office is shielded with alarm spells, set to trigger depending on certain situations. The ringing in my head told me instantly that hostile magic was being used against me. No time to think. "Princess, we're under attack!" I yell throwing myself into her and trying to teleport to the other side of town.

Now teleportation magic is something of my specialty, well that and destruction magic, levitation magic, tracking ma- look, lets just say I'm good at magic. Well, trying to teleport the princess was like trying to teleport Naga Parbat... Aww c'mon, you know... famous mountain in the Camelayas? Sheesh, what are they teaching in schools nowadays. Point is, she wouldn't budge, and by extension neither could I. I stood there, by her side as a ring of explosive devices suddenly appeared out of the air encircling the inside of my tiny office.

Buck me. I'm going to die. I closed my eyes, and waited for the end. I had enough time to think. "This is it. I'm REALLY going to die. But... I don't WANT to die. There are still things I never got a chance to do. See the world, write the great Equestrian novel, Triplets, I never got to bang triplets, oh buck me! Now I'll never get to marry Derpy, all those wonderful muffins... gone." I interrupted my own mental diatribe. "Why am I not dead? Shouldn't I be dead? Maybe I should open my eyes... But then the bombs will see me and go off." "Shut up you bucking moron, and stop panicking..." the more rational part of my mind insisted, "'then the bombs will see me', by the gods, you can be so stupid sometimes, open your eyes, you bucking idiot!"

I cautiously opened my eyes. I was still standing next to Luna, the ring of bombs still surrounded me in mid air. I un-cringed and looked around me in awe. The were moving, slowing dropping from the air, but incredibly slowly. Luna's doing, has to be. WOW!

"Sorry to interrupt your teleportation spell. But I thought we could gather more information, by examining the threat, rather than it's effects. This isn't the first assassination attempt made on me since my arrival." She says, as she walks closer to the nearest explosives. "Crude looking," she says. "I think this was more of a warning than anything. There isn't enough explosives here to ruffle my mane, let alone kill me." I look around at the ring of ten explosive packages, each with enough power to level half this building. I try to come up with something clever to cover the fan pony awe I feel at this moment for the princess standing by my side.

"Well, I really appreciate you not letting them destroy my office. Insurance is high enough as it is in this neighborhood." I say, as I move a hoof toward one of the devices. I noticed the crude mechanical timer on it's side as it strains to click over to the next second.

"I wouldn't breach the field if I were you," she says, staying my arm. "If you do, the spell breaks, and time resumes it's normal flow. I'm afraid you will have to gather what information you can from here." she says casually, as if she didn't just save my life... again.

I put behind me another burst of panic at having nearly died again, as my training kicks in. She was right, these things were crude. The timer's were purely mechanical, and the explosives were the type used in excavation. There was no way these were smuggled inside the city, Luna's border's were extraordinarily tight. And there was only one place inside the city they could have originated from.

"Undertown." I say in conclusion. "These were taken from the mines below 'The Shaft'." I say looking back toward the princess. She was standing stock still. Frozen in shock. "What is it?" I say, becoming alarmed. "What's wrong?"

At my words, she comes back to herself. "I was studying the magic they used to send these here,"she says. "I noticed something was odd about it. It is clearly a very crude version of a unicorn teleportation spell, but... but it wasn't cast by a unicorn. Or, if so, a unicorn unlike any that has ever existed. No, the... thing that cast this spell is an abomination, it shouldn't even exist." She shudders to herself and falls back into her seat.

What the bucking hells? Unicorn spells only work with the magic of a unicorn's horn. That horn acts like the ponaudio tower that sits on top of Luna's castle. It focuses magic from deep inside a unicorn's body. No other creature can use unicorn spells, it just isn't possible. I glance around me as a flicker of light catches my eyes. All the explosive devices begin to go off at the same time. I watch in morbid curiosity as they explode in slow motion. Like flowers made of fire, their blossoms open and begin to expand outward. Luna rises once more, and with a wave of her hoof they all vanish.

Curiosity got the better of me. "Where did you send them," I ask.

Luna gives me a very evil grin. "Let's just say, that it will no longer be necessary for me to gather fleas for my sister's next birthday."

Oh... Buck... Me... "I suppose I am going to receive a letter in the near future." I say falling into my chair, rubbing my temples.

"I would expect so," the princess says, her smile turning impish. "Oh, and when you do, please ask Sunny how that new diet is going... you know, since her secret cake room has just undergone radical renovations."

My jaw falls open. "No... you didn't... no, NO WAY... Not the CAKE room! It'll be war! She'll muster the legions! Fire will rain down from the skies! This place will be a flat plane of rubble strewn with salt! She'll-"

"Just have Discord fix it." Luna says, interrupting my panic. That's three panic attacks in one day. This princess seems hells bent on trying to give me a heart attack. Freow! And all this time I always figured it was the OTHER one that was going to be the death of me.

"Please keep me informed on the progress of your investigations," she says calmly, as she removes several candles from her clutch, and passes them to me. I hold one up. Midnight black, with tiny silver stars. Well, no way I'll mix these up with Celestia's.

"Of course," I say, regaining my composure, as I escort her to the door.

She turns to me before she leaves, "oh and be sure to put out all these candles you'll be using before you go to bed Johnny, playing with fire can be very dangerous."

The thought skitters across my heart for the barest of instants that the princess of the night may have just flirted with me.

"You do know how to properly extinguish a candle don't you Johnny?" She says, with that tiger's smile again on her face, "you just purse your lips together, and blow... on... the... wick." And with that the door closes, and I'm left with my own thoughts.