Disappearance
By: MrPrinceLoveCook / proudOtaku
Disappearance of Trust
CHAPTER TWO. GUILT AND REGRET
'Should I call her? Should I go and visit her? Should I do something? Should I stop her? Should I tell her to go back beside me and forget everything? What should I do? What should I do?' Roy thought.
These past few days General Roy Mustang spent almost all his time thinking and pondering hardly on what had happened few days ago about his immoral decision of killing or aborting his own child, but no matter how much he tried to cheer and comfort himself that he did the right decision he still felt so damn terrible because guilt and regret were too excessive and overwhelming to ignore. As a matter of fact, he started hating, loathing, cursing and despising himself for what he had done.
What had he done?
What the heck was wrong with him?
What the shitty hell was he thinking at that time?
SHIT!
"Oi General, would you stop pacing… I feel so damn dizzy watching you." Captain Jean Havoc snapped. He was annoyingly looking at his superior while he was seating on his chair.
Forsooth, it had been a couple of hours since Roy started pacing back and forth continuously and repeatedly inside their office, walking all around while thinking so damn long and hard without even bothering to know if it was distracting his subordinates, and now they were looking at him confusingly and annoyingly.
"Oh so you are watching?" Roy said, raising one of his eyebrows to show he did not care at all if they were watching him.
"Why don't you try to do what people normally do, like seating down calmly while thinking, not running all around like a maniac and completely disturbing our peacefulness." Havoc said.
"Shut up!" Roy just said. He finally sat himself down on the chair, trying all his might to forget about them, her and his unborn child, just for a few hours to calm his nerves.
"I want to remind you General Mustang that it is not the time for you to run back and forth when you have so many paper works need to do." Havoc informed, gazing at the table located in front of Roy, where there were so many papers scattered all over.
"That's my less priority for today." Roy replied, putting his feet loosely above the table, looking at the vast sky through the widely opened windows.
"See, they are waiting for your attention." Havoc added.
"I bet that if Lieutenant Colonel Hawkeye found out that you are slacking again, you will definitely be sorry, General Mustang, sir." Second Lieutenant Kain Fuery said, completely waking up his superior from his day dreaming when he consciously mentioned her, Roy's lieutenant.
Why did this stupid Fuery even mention her name when Roy tried so hard to forget her because it just definitely made him go crazy, go damn insane due to his unbearable guilt and regret.
"That's right." Major Vato Falman agreed.
"Oh speaking of the hawk's eye, where is she?" Havoc said, looking at directly and specifically to his superior because he knew that Roy knew exactly where they could find her.
But disappointingly, Roy did not look at him because he was stuck on his own world like he did not even hear them at all. He was blinded and deafened by excessive guilt and regret.
"Yeah, it has been a week since I last saw her, when you know she had never been late in her work, or even worst being absent. It is not really her to suddenly leave work without informing us or without permission coming from her superior." Captain Heymans Breda stated, looking at to the empty chair of Lieutenant Colonel Riza Hawkeye.
"Oh yeah… I am also wondering." Falman added.
"Me too. I am beginning to worry for her." Fuery added.
"She should say something before she suddenly disappeared." Havoc added, kept dragging his cigarette long.
"I think, there was something suddenly happened to her that's why she didn't come here." Falman said.
"Something like what?" Fuery asked.
"Something like she suddenly got a flu." Falman replied.
"What a lame excuse." Havoc snorted.
"Or she was trapped in her apartment because she didn't pay her bill." Falman added.
"Are you stupid?" Havoc snapped.
"But even so, she should give us a call to inform us about her situation because we are not just her co-workers but we are her friends." Breda said.
"Yes, yes." Fuery agreed.
"She should get a permission to her supervisor before she finally took her leave." Havoc said.
"Should we call her to find out her reason?" Breda suggested.
"No to worry because she is fine… I could not guarantee it but I know she is fine." Roy said. He was staring at the blue sky through the widely opened windows, without even looking at his subordinates.
'He is not sure at all if Lieutenant Colonel Riza is fine.' Fuery thought.
'So, she is not fine at all.' Falman thought.
"I may not tell you but I already granted her a permission to leave the office to execute her mission." Roy added.
"Mission?" Havoc, Fuery, Falman and Breda simultaneously said.
"Really a mission?" Havoc said confusingly.
"What mission?" Breda acquired.
"What kind of mission?" Falman asked.
"Did she went together with her dog, Black Hayate?" Fuery asked. He was kind of out of topic when he asked about the dog instead of his fellow.
"Yes, it is a mission that exclusively for her." Roy said. His facial expression suddenly began unveiling the sorrowful, depression, miserable, mournful, dejected and most of all regretful feelings he had these couple of days. Damn, he really felt so terrible every time the thought of killing his child and ordering Riza to do it suddenly hit his head.
The physical feeling of unbounded guilt hit him fast when he finally accepted that he did the terrible thing without really considering the outcomes. He felt like his chest and inside his head being slowly melt away. The heat at his eyes grew faster and within seconds after, his chest felt like dropping temperature and cold and empty, sucking him from within. He really tried to withstand the guilt by breathing so fast, exhaling and inhaling, to calm everything in him such as his nerves, his muscles, his heart beat, but he definitely failed to do it because guilt was so damn powerful to easily defeat him, overthrowing him to the pit of dreadfulness. It was just one corrosive feeling, a way to self-punishment by kept on torturing himself with the torrent of guilt. That was when it became his worse enemy because it ruined everything in him particularly his way of thinking.
He felt like his ribs were tightly bounded around his stomach. He was not exactly suffocating, but he felt like he was on the verge like an invisible hands gripped his neck to choke him. At the same time, it felt like he had been punched right on his abdomen and gonad simultaneously by no particular person so he had no one to blame but only himself.
He did not really get angry because he felt like it was a good choice but he still felt so regretful that if he could have the power to change what was in the past, he would definitely change everything. He would choose both, his rank and them. Damn, how could he possibly return back to being a murderer, not murdering the Ishvalans but this time murdering his own child, his own blood.
He was still in the pain, damn so hurt, damn so devastated. He felt like he was in the seven hell, kept tormenting by the pain of guilt and regret.
He wanted to relax, to forget everything but it was so damn hard and hurt because he found himself continually reminding him of everything that he had done. He felt like he had always hear a little voice in his head berating him. The more he relaxed the more he felt like he could get an oxygen, so he tried to make himself as tiny and as limp as possible. Everything he did to try to help his situation gave him shooting pains from his abdomen. Why it was so damn hurt? In fact, he felt like crying. He wanted to sob, hard, loud, but he could not, and like hell he would, because he was too tightly bound, and too busy trying to look cool and okay in front of everyone.
Yes, it was so easy for him to display that he was fine, that everything was alright, no pain and no guilt at all but deep within he could not really hide the devastating feelings he felt. His guilt was extremely overwhelming, so damn uncomfortable to the point that it made him became so paranoid.
"Mission that exclusively for her? Are you kidding?" Havoc said, raising one of his eyebrows to indicate he was still confused.
"Yes. I am not kidding at all." Roy just said. The sensation of guilt was heavy, weighty feeling, as if he was carrying around a burden.
"That's the first time I have ever heard that kind of mission." Breda said.
"Is it a personal mission or a private mission?" Fuery asked.
"Both. A personal and private mission." Roy replied. He did not feel to joke around or to explain himself by saying more words because he felt so heavy deep within him.
"Oh." Fuery, Breda, and Falman said simultaneously.
"What mission is it?" Fuery asked, due to his curiosity.
"I said, it is a private and personal mission so quit asking, Second Lieutenant Fuery." Roy snapped.
"Oh sorry. I am just too curious." Fuery said.
"Curiosity is suck you know, the more you become too curious the more you become too stupid." Roy chided.
"How long that mission will take?" Havoc said, changing the current topic about curiosity because he felt so damn bored listening to them, and it would just create fire to the already burned fuel.
"Right." Falman said, too eager to follow Havoc lead.
"It will take one month." Roy said, placing back his attention to the vast sky again, unconsciously counting the clouds on his mind.
"ONE MONTH?" Fuery, Breda, Falman, and Havoc cried simultaneously.
"Why so long?" Breda said.
"That's right." Falman agreed.
"The duration is one month, one whole month, so don't ask any further and don't try to repeat my words." Roy snapped.
"Oh." Fuery, Breda, and Falman said simultaneously again. They were actually aware of their superior new personality. Well, it was not really new to them because Roy used to act this way, being so easily got angry, spacing out, out of this world but on his own world, thinking and thinking every second, and hard to talk with, when he had a big problem, or when he was mourning. As a matter of fact, he became exactly like this when his best friend Maes Hughes died.
Was he mourning?
Who was he mourning?
Who died by the way?
"Oh, so I bet it is really a hard mission." Havoc said.
"So damn hard… devastating and freaking hurt." Roy unconsciously muttered.
"You want to talk about your problem, sir?" Fuery asked.
WHAT?
W
H
A
T
?
PROBLEM?
Had he have a problem?
Roy swiftly moved his head to look at his subordinate Fuery. His eyes began enlarging, absolutely taking aback, astounding and astonishing because Fuery hit the target, particularly hitting him straight. "Wha… what?"
"We should talk about your problem, sir." Fuery said again.
"How could you say that I have a problem?" Roy blustered.
"Well General Mustang, it is so damn obvious." Breda said.
"What obvious?" Roy snapped.
"It is so obvious that you have a big problem based on your actions such as being too lazy to talk, easily got annoy, being preoccupied by thoughts that's why you have forgotten to flirt with your girlfriends on the phone, and you are always looking at the horizon unconsciously while you are engulfing by your own world." Breda replied.
"Am I that too obvious?" Roy asked.
"Too damn obvious." Havoc replied.
"Well, you are acting so different and it is not really like you, General Mustang." Falman added.
"Usually when Lieutenant Colonel Hawkeye was not around you are always on the phone bragging and talking to your different women whole day long." Havoc said.
"Yes. Yes." Falman agreed, nodding incessantly.
"What the heck!" Roy snorted.
"Just brag already your problem, General Mustang." Havoc said.
"We can help you if you want." Breda added.
"After all we are your sincere subordinates." Fuery added, with his full determination.
'No one can help me… no one!' Roy thought. "I am just too tired, that's all."
"You are lying, I know you General." Havoc snapped.
Falman and Fuery nodded.
"Seriously you guys are too persistent." Roy hissed.
"We are just worried for you." Breda said.
"This is becoming too lame, too stupid… just don't mind me… go back to your work." Roy said, touching his forehead when headache struck him again.
"Are you sure, sir?" Fuery asked.
"Yes, yes… I am fucking sure." Roy said, dismissing them using his gestures.
"Then General Mustang, if you want to talk with us you are free to call us." Falman assured.
"Yes. I am willing to listen, sir." Fuery added.
"I know… I know." Roy said wearily, kept waving his right hand to dismiss them and using his other hand to cup his face.
"Then if that's the case what about we eat? You know it's lunch time already." Breda said, standing on his chair to exercise his muscles.
"That's a good idea, I am really hungry." Falman said.
"Yeah. Me too." Havoc said, tossing the stub of his cigarette on the garbage bin.
"Let's go, let's go." Fuery cheered.
They were all readily to go outside to eat their lunch in the canteen but they instantly being cut off when they had realized that their superior did not move at all. He just sat there on his chair, wearing his dreadful and sorrowful look on his face while he kept on staring at the horizon, stuck on his own world again, thinking.
"Again?" Havoc said.
"What's wrong with him?" Breda whispered.
"He didn't even tell us his problem, so obviously none of us know his problem." Falman whispered.
"He has been like that since last week when Lieutenant Colonel Hawkeye didn't show up." Fuery whispered.
"What should we do?" Falman asked, in a way of whisper. "Should we stay here and comfort him?"
"Oi, are you stupid?" Breda snapped.
"You guys better go, I will stay and talk to him." Havoc said, clicking his lighter to lit another cigarette.
"Are you sure though he doesn't feel like confessing his problem?" Breda said.
"Yeah, so you should go now." Havoc dismissed.
"If that's what you want then… good luck." Falman said.
"Just comfort him Captain Jean Havoc!" Fuery cheered.
"Now go!" Havoc sorted.
"Yeah. Don't worry we will pack your lunch." Breda said, waving his hand to indicate he would never hesitate to leave them.
"You better get me some delicious food." Havoc threatened.
Roy felt like his guilt was an endless cycle because he felt so fine and content for a while but then suddenly he started to feel so bad, frightening and mourning for too much guilt. He wanted to talk to his subordinates just to isolate himself from guilt and to feel at ease in just a minute but it was still useless because the actual process of guilt was emotionally consuming him, making him pay for a devastating payment. Until it all led to obsessive thoughts about how disgusting, immoral, stupid, and selfish he was.
He even seldom ate his meal, lacking of sleep because he was suffering from insomnia and hypersomnia, completely forgot his works, and smoke more.
He thought he did the right choice but he was absolutely wrong. It was all wrong. It was all bullshit. This was really a big karma for wanting more, more authority, more power and more ambitions.
Roy's thought was promptly interrupted when someone pulled the chair in front of him and loosely sat himself.
"You want?" Havoc said, offering his pack of cigarettes to Roy.
"I thought you take your lunch." Roy said, taking a cigarette offered by Havoc.
"I am on diet." Havoc said, extending his hand to lit his superior's cigarette.
"Seriously, why the hell are you still here?" Roy blustered.
"Well, I just feel like smoking… smoking with you." Havoc said, creating his stupid reason just to hide the fact that he chose to stay just to talk to him, to comfort him.
"What a nasty reason you got there." Roy said.
SILENCE
S
I
L
E
N
C
E
IT TOOK A COUPLE OF MINUTES FOR THE LONG SILENCE.
Roy and Havoc did not actually talk and never even bother to ask each other because they were both absorbed by their own thoughts. In fact, all they did was to drag their cigarettes long and hard, kept on inhaling and filling their lungs with the bliss of smoke from their cigarettes just to satisfy the arrival of complete silence.
Pack and pack of empty cigarettes along with countless stubs scattered throughout the table and the room was filled with smoke.
'I chose to stay here to talk with him as much as possible to comfort him but… I didn't even know how to start a conversation.' Havoc thought. 'Shit, should we talk about his new girlfriend, the woman named Christina? Well, I just saw them two weeks ago. Should we talk about his paper works that still on his table? Should we talk about his Lieutenant Colonel Hawkeye because only her can easily cheer him up, can turn his mouth into a smile… but I think, it will be a very bad idea because every time we talk about her those mournful expression of him keep popping up on his face.'
"Why did you suddenly decide to do it?" Roy asked, asking so suddenly and out of the blue, making Havoc gasped.
"What?" Havoc said.
"Havoc, I thought you devoted yourself to many women, like you would never be contented or satisfied with only one woman, after breaking up with one you immediately fly with another… but why did you suddenly decide to marry Rebecca? Was it because she is pregnant?"
Havoc's jaw dropped down long, not really aware of his superior question about his life when he was too busy thinking about how to comfort him. "Well, I am regretting it because I still want to date beautiful, sexy, and big bosoms women."
"Will you take it seriously?" Roy chided.
"But I am serious. I want to live a life full of beautiful women. I want to date them, talk to them and flirt with them all day and all night long."
"Stupid!"
"Okay, okay General Mustang. I will seriously answer your question."
"Then go ahead."
"Actually, I already planned to marry her long time ago when we started dating. It is not because I suddenly planted my own seed on her but because I saw her not just some another woman who just passed by but I saw her as she was my own future, and my own half."
"What about those women you had dated before and after her?"
"Don't be stupid General, like you didn't even know when you, yourself, is a big playboy."
"I am still a single not just like you, a married man." Roy said. 'I am actually in a secret relationship… but Jean we are not the same, it is only because you already married your woman… and I haven't yet marry mine. We might be the same because we both saw our future to our woman, and I might know your answer… but I still want to clarify something.'
"Yeah, yeah… still pretending that you are a total bachelor when actually not."
"What do you mean?"
"General, you might not see me but I frequently saw you with your lieutenant doing your scenes such as kissing on the office when no one was around, nibbling on the hallway when no one passed by, and many more mind-blowing scenes of smacking your body against her. You are such a jerk."
"We are just kissing and hugging, don't make it too exaggerate because as far as I remember we didn't really go too far by means of sex. We just do it inside our safest haven, not here on this building or outside our place, though I admit that I tried so hard to force her but she easily defeated me."
Havoc laughed so loud. "I couldn't really imagine that General Roy Mustang was forcing a woman to have sex with him when every single woman in this country is in love with him because he is a hero, a savior, and one of the famous bachelor."
"Would you just answer my question."
"You already know the answer right General Mustang because you feel the same." Havoc said, blowing his smoke out from his lungs. "Every woman I dated are all beautiful decorations just to make my life more interesting, more attractiveness, more challenging and more fun. But Rebecca is the beauteous of all that decorations because I couldn't really take my eyes off her, so I chose her and took her home."
"Is it not because she is pregnant?"
"Have you even try to listen, huh?" Havoc said. "Listen, my child is just another reasons why I married her. Yes, I want to be a great military officer of Amestris, to keep following you, but I still want to create my own family, so my child is my first step to create it."
Roy unconsciously gripped his hand into a tight fist. Damn, this conversation was getting on his nerves about creating a family, about being a parent, and about a child when he already decided to abandon the possibility of being a father by ordering Riza to abort it, his own child.
"You know, I am so damn happy when I found out that Rebecca is pregnant, that she is bearing my own child, and I will be a father." Havoc bragged, curving his mouth into a broad grin.
Roy took his eyes off him, shifting his attention back to the sky again, thinking if he felt the same when he had found out that Riza was pregnant and he would be a father, and yes, he felt the same. He felt so damn happy but the dreadful and frightening feelings of losing his dream was so overwhelming, that was why he did not hesitate to get rid of his child just to pursue what he wanted in life.
Yes, he felt happy when the thought of him being a father and his lieutenant being a mother popped to his brain. He loved the idea of creating a happy family together with her, and they would definitely be a good parent to their child.
But he suddenly did the wrong thing, and he regretted it.
"Actually, I still feel so sad and so disappointed because being a father will change everything in me. I will absolutely leave my life as a bachelor, as someone who loves to hangout with different women, and then I will start sharing my life to my family because my life is not anymore belong to me but for them too, and there will be a big responsibility ahead of me. But the overwhelming happiness of having a child was too powerful to take all the risks."
'Shit!' Roy cursed.
Why now?
Why regretting now when he knew that it was too late because it was already one week to stop Riza from aborting his baby. It was too late for him to prevent the abortionist from taking away his child life, and it was all his fault.
His fault for being too greedy, for being too selfish, and for being too ambitious.
"I badly want to see my child, as soon as possible, my young boy." Havoc sang.
"Boy?" Roy asked. He felt suffocating like someone suddenly choke the air out of him by kept on listening to Havoc about his child.
"Yes, we finally found out that my child is a boy. Damnit General, I am so proud and excited. You know, Rebecca is five months pregnant, four months to go."
'Damn. Damn. Damn. I want to know the gender of my child too. I want my child to call me his… her father. I want to be a husband to Riza… but I couldn't do it. I need to wait.' Roy thought. If only he knew that this would be freaking hard, so devastatingly hurt, physically, mentally, and emotionally, so hurt to hell he would never even try to think of commanding Riza to abort his child. He would definitely accept it, to support it, to love it, to protect it, and to fight for it, but it was too late, too late to save his child, too late to show how much he loved it, his child.
"You know what, we already bought his clothes, his toys and everything. I just want to pamper my boy with everything he wants."
'I want to give my child everything… everything in me… along with my name.'
"You don't know how happy I am right now. I become too damn excited every time I talk about my boy."
'Stop it!' Roy thought, begging Havoc to stop deep within him. He wanted to scream at him and tell him to show an ounce of sensitivity because he just lost his child. But he knew he could not do that. He knew it was not his fault because Havoc was just happy, and Havoc did not mean to offend him when he did not know anything about Roy's child.
Roy found himself sinking into the depths of despair and regret.
"I am wondering what he will look like. I bet he will look exactly like me. Damn, I hope so."
'Please stop it!' Roy begged. He was acutely aware of losing something but he did not feel like losing a son or daughter. He felt more like the loss of hope, happiness, love, optimism and excitement for the future.
"I am really excited to hear him call me his daddy, calling me daddy, papa, or dada… how cute!"
'It hurt. It's freaking so damn hurt.' Roy grieved. It was so damn hard to describe what he felt right now. It was mix feelings of dread, hurt, mourning, suffering, pain, guilt and regret. He felt so horrible knowing Havoc would be oohing and aahing and full of joy when his child born, while him, he was just looking at the black emptiness of his world, full of endless regret.
"I really hate those people who just decided to kill their child using abortion when children are our own beautiful gift. They are all angel."
"SHUT UP!" Roy huffed, screaming so damn loud and it was definitely making Havoc stopped from telling about his son.
Havoc was so shock, stopping in midair as he was staring confusingly to Roy. "Wha… what's wrong, General?"
"I am really sorry Captain Havoc. I didn't mean to scream at you… it just… it just… I need to do something, no… I need to stop someone, so I better need to leave you right now." Roy said, standing on his chair then right away he left, leaving Havoc alone while he was still gapping so long.
"What just happen?" Havoc uttered, still gapping with all his mouth.
CONTINUED.
Disappearance of Love