The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition
EPISODE 1.2: A Dream Come True
Super Mario Bros. 2 / Mario Kart 7
Subcon, World 1-2
Village of the Ninji, 6:00 AM
Early morning light washed over the forest, an ethereal glow dancing through long shadows and untamed undergrowth. Thirteen purple birds dressed like pint-sized genies waited on the village outskirts. In the central clearing, surrounded by a circle of wooden tribal huts, the leading six teams opened their clues.
" 'Travel by magic carpet taxi to Panser Farms.' "
(~*TAR*~)
The flightless birds stood atop rectangular red carpets embellished with intricate golden swirls. Each carpet was large enough to accommodate a team and their gear.
Miles narrated, "Teams will ride these Pidgit-piloted magic carpets to one of Subcon's two desert regions."
Extremely rapid shots condensed a journey of several hours into a matter of seconds. Grassy plains and lush forests gave way to sand and clusters of cacti. Overhead shots circled a colorful mecca with Arabian architecture before zooming to a desert farm spanning several acres.
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Panser Farms
"Just outside of Al-Hulmathani is Panser Farms. It produces the bulk of the vegetables sold in this region's cities and is therefore despised by children of the Subconian desert. Here, teams will find their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
Eagle-eyed Maude spotted the Pidgits first. Swindell noticed the moms' sudden change in direction and informed Arfur.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: It's like last season's finale! This is going to be so much fun!)" Flo exclaimed, skipping along animatedly.
They grabbed the closest taxi and settled in for the long ride ahead. Shortly after, the others converged on the location.
"This thing can fly?" Gus fingered the carpet fringe's knotted fibers, looking unnerved.
"Better believe it," the Pidgit replied. "Sit back, relax, and let this baby work its magic!"
Their carpet began ascending, aiming to clear the treetops. Gus shrieked and latched onto Garf as if it'd rocketed to light speed. Garf couldn't stop laughing.
Half an hour later, the trailing group departed.
"Who's that there over yonder?" Grubba yelled loudly. "I'm talkin' ta you, ya purty purple pigeons! Are y'all the taxis?"
Goldy groaned exasperatedly as his voice brought everyone running. Her expression tensed further as she watched Grubba, the season's largest racer, board a carpet. "Oh great. You're too big to get off the ground!"
"All Clubbas are big-boned! I'm just packin' a whole lotta more muscle!" Grubba pouted. "This flimsy li'l doormat ain't got a propeller! How's it supposed to fly, anyway?"
The Pidgit stared up at Grubba. "I don't know anymore."
Despite their concerns, the magic carpet rose without issue and joined the rest.
Richard Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries accompanied aerial shots of the teams flying at various altitudes. Smooth flying likened the magic carpets to helicopters, without the engine noise and an enclosed cabin.
LAKI & MAI: Train Enthusiasts
"I'm the queen of the world! Woohoohoo!" Mai stood at the front edge of the carpet, arms outstretched. "This is so rad! Laki, I see what you love so much about flying!"
"Right? I'd gladly fly at this height if Rogueport Airfield ATC wasn't so stringent." Quietly Laki grumbled, "I can see and hear an airplane coming, thank you very much."
"Oh, I can picture it now!" Mai created an imaginary lens with her fingers. "A romantic magic carpet ride under the stars! A heartfelt declaration of love!" She began twirling around dramatically, prompting panic from the Pidgit and laughter from Laki. "Ahhhh… It's just deep, man! I love the thought of it! I think I'm gonna cry!"
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates
"Zees flyeeng rug would make a splendid date to woo une fille, eh Monsieur Goombanova?" Dupree scribbled flowery cursive into a journal. "Eet eez like seeing a whole new world!"
"Sounds like something from a movie," Goom Goom said.
"I am a travel writer," Dupree said. "I blog and write for newspapers, magazines, and guidebooks. Zere eez sometheeng special about seeing a place's beauty and shareeng eet with others, no? I love traveling, experiencing zee culture and immersing into zee everyday life, honh honh!"
"Zese unbelievable sight breengs indescribable feelings to my thoracic cavity!" Dupree exclaimed. Goom Goom quirked an eyebrow.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins
"We are founding the Shadow Army's aerial division," Crimson quipped. Against the Pidgit's requests, she and Drak held their skulls over the carpet's edge. "Our surveillance will enable us to preempt the first strike."
"Development of a bone-based missile has been authorized…" Drak said. "Explosive shrapnel shall deliver victims into an abyss of endless suffering…"
They cackled. The Pidgit shuddered, looking disturbed.
Subcon, World 2-2
Panser Farms
The magic carpets traveled at the same speed, so teams touched down at the farmland in approximately the same intervals as they'd departed. Flo and Maude paid their driver and thanked him profusely before cantering along the wooden fence to reach the clue box.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 1st Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: 'Harvest and sort a row of vegetables and then throw them to vanquish Wart.')" Maude read.
(~*TAR*~)
Anthropomorphic flowers called Pansers pulled a variety of ripe and unripe vegetables from the desert soil. Two Pansers tugged mightily at a pair of leaves and unearthed a giant smiling turnip. A second wave of Pansers ran uprooted vegetables over to large bins.
"Teams will now get down and dirty with some backbreaking work: harvesting and sorting this year's crop."
ROUTE INFO
Farmhand's Life
Rapid shots sped to a barn's interior. The camera panned up a cardboard cutout of a fat green frog. Cloves of garlic flew by its head.
"Of course, there's nothing like unwinding after a hard day's work! Vegetables are Subcon's most potent weapon, and they have the power to defeat these intimidating likenesses of Wart!"
One forcefully thrown onion to the mouth knocked Wart over. A red Panser shot three fireballs into the air and held up an envelope.
"Once teams topple this mighty tyrant, they'll receive their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: I'm having premonitions of cafeteria food fights.)" Flo laughed. "(Sub.: Remember kids, just because mommy is throwing her food on the Race, it's not okay for you to do it at home!)"
A Panser assigned them a row. Sets of labeled wooden crates, much too bulky too carry, were situated throughout the fields.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: No scarecrows, thank goodness! I couldn't work with those creepy things staring at me!)" Flo said.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Time to put our ancient relatives' farming techniques to use!)" Maude said. She grabbed a sprout with her beak, tugged, and pulled free a turnip.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 2nd Place
"Never heard of a farm thriving in the middle of a desert," Arfur said. "Then again, this is a dream. I guess anything's possible."
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 3rd Place
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 4th Place
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 5th Place
GARF & GUS: Currently in 6th Place
Several racers tied their bandanas around their foreheads to soak up sweat before getting to work. The process looked peculiar for the armless Northa and Inngrid, who would squat over and exert apparent effort, resulting in a vegetable popping out.
"I might spontaneously combust," Northa said. "It is very hot." She glanced up. Various creatures patrolled the sky, but there was no sun creating the overbearing sunlight. "We are not familiar with this. Opposite of home. Add water and this is nice beach. I prefer that, da."
She stood out as a pacesetter along with Arfur, who easily plucked vegetables with each surge of his broad shoulders.
"C'mon Garf, Express Pass on the line today!" Gus shouted.
"Going as fast as I can," Garf said.
Beak ajar for his gular fluttering, Gus tore down the row toward Garf, who'd started on the opposite end. Several rows over, Laki and Mai were working side-by-side at a steady pace, leapfrogging each other similarly to Eve and Podley.
"It's kinda like pulling weeds," Mai said. "I've dabbled in some gardening, but never with results like this." She held up a winking onion the size of her head.
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: This is really awkward on my neck.)" Maude said of their method.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Mine too. We should switch it up.)" Flo thought a moment, and then gripped a bunch of leaves with her talons and flew upward. The momentum yanked out a shallot. "(Sub.: Oh, that's much easier!)"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Bless my feathers, you might be onto something!)" Maude replicated the maneuver. "(Sub.: Great thinking, Flo!)"
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Friends
Arfur finished unearthing vegetables and joined Swindell in shuttling them to the bins. The navy blue and forest green teams also quickly advanced to the sorting step.
"They're ahead of us, Garf!" Gus yelled as he whizzed past Garf with a pile of assorted alliums close to his chest. "Express Pass, bro!"
"Gus is a workaholic," Garf said. "You need something done, he'll get it done way faster than you could've done it yourself. He pushes himself really hard…which sometimes makes me look like a lazy good-for-nothing. But it's good. We balance each other out."
"We'll have to make a bunch of trips! Don't exhaust yourself!" Arfur shouted to Swindell, who was delivering vegetables at his usual near-sprint. "Unless…"
Arfur began hurling the vegetables like American footballs toward the bins, aiming for distance. Most landed close, enabling Swindell to focus on sorting.
"Hey, good idea!" Swindell shouted. "We should've thought of this earlier!"
Garf noticed their technique and copied it. Inngrid fetched a lightweight tarp and a survival blanket from her backpack to expedite her and Northa's transport. They loaded several vegetables at once and dragged them to the bins.
"I will not sleep in these until we wash them," Inngrid said.
The violet and orange teams had started gathering their vegetables, Flo and Maude employing tarps of their own, when Swindell and Arfur finished sorting. A Panser peeked into the turnip bin while her colleagues checked the rest. After they all shot fireballs into the air to signal their satisfaction, the cerulean team proceeded to the task's next objective.
"Now to play hero as the mighty veggie vanquishers," Swindell said.
They entered the big red barn. Seven cutouts of Wart in regal wear stood in front of a wooden transverse frame, with a white chalk line ten meters away marking the throw zone. Bubble blowers on both sides added a playful atmosphere.
"Piece of cake." Arfur chucked a kohlrabi. It hit a bubble, became enveloped, and fell through the ground. "Oookay, so there's a catch. Won't happen again."
Gaps between the bubbles were fairly frequent. Arfur pitched an onion and hit his mark, knocking the cutout over backwards with a croaked ribbit. A Panser shot a celebratory fireball into the air and handed him a clue.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 1st Place
" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to the Phanto Pyramids.' "
(~*TAR*~)
Rapid shots trekked to a series of Egyptian-style pyramids, complete with reflective polished limestone surfaces.
Miles narrates, "Teams must travel by Beezo taxi to these pyramids, which're distinguished by the unusual ferocity of the creepy phantoms that guard their treasures."
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Phanto Pyramids
Grinning golden masks decorated one pyramid's ground-level entrance. As the camera panned down to the clue box, a sinister red glint flashed in the eyeholes.
"Here, they'll find their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"We're in the middle of the desert," Swindell said. "Where're we gonna find another taxi? And what's a Beezo?"
They jogged back to the gates where they, along with most other teams, had left their backpacks. The Bob-omb Buddies and Craws entered the barn. Meanwhile, the trailing Eve and Podley began carrying their harvest to the bins.
"I wish for this variety at home." Northa launched a garlic clove with her fuse, toppling Wart by his crown.
"I got this!" Gus nailed Wart in the face with a pointy beet. "Just like a spear!"
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 2nd Place
GARF & GUS: Currently in 3rd Place
"Why do you flowers throw fire?" Inngrid asked. "You do not worry about burning?"
Both teams read their Route Info and jogged toward the
"This place is the freakin' boondocks," Gus said. "How're we supposed to get taxis?"
"We must hurry, da." Inngrid pointed out the approaching magic carpets.
"I have idea." Northa turned to the sky and shouted "TAXI!" several times.
A gray Shy Guy with delicate-looking wasp wings and a three-pronged spear made a beeline for the group. "You called?"
"We need Beezo taxi," Inngrid said.
"You found one."
Confused, the racers traded glances.
"Let me guess," Gus said sarcastically, "your trident is a magic broomstick."
"Uh, nope. How many are riding?"
"We are not together," Inngrid clarified. She and Northa stepped away from the Rogueporters. "Two." In reality, four, counting their recording team.
"Coming right up." The Beezo rapidly flapped his wings, shooting a vibration into the air. Three other Beezos assembled beside him. He gestured to their heads. "Hop on!"
"You carry us?" Northa asked doubtfully. "We have heavy backpacks."
"We can support several times our body weight on our heads," one of the Beezos replied cheerily.
"That makes no sense!" Gus exclaimed.
"This is Subcon, the land of dreams. It doesn't have to!"
Dumbfounded, Gus grumbled under his breath. Arfur, Garf, and Swindell took it in stride and called for more Beezos as the navy blue team ascended on a private mini-swarm.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 7th Place
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 8th Place
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 9th Place
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 10th Place
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 11th Place
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 12th Place
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in Last Place
A couple of minutes after the leaders left, the rear group arrived and rushed the clue box.
" 'Harvest and sort a row of vegetables and then throw them to vanquish Wart,' " Goom Goom read. "Okay D-Man, we gotta knock this out."
"Zee womenfolk love zee sweaty displays of strength!" Dupree honed in on several distant supervisors. "I see some lovely leetle flowers to impress, honh honh!"
Pansers assigned everyone rows. Darkly had dropped his and Dour's backpacks at the gates like everyone else, but he carried two water bottles.
"Make sure you stay hydrated, Gramps," Darkly said. "It's hot and, even worse, sunny. We have to move fast today."
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 5th Place
Mai beat Wart with a beet. Laki cheered and high-fived her. They read the clue before returning to the gates. Laki dug a set of railway signaling flags and a lanyard with several assorted whistles from his backpack's side pocket and easily hailed a taxi.
"We're always interested in the local transportation," Laki said. "You spend a lot of your time on the Race traveling, so it's good to know the fastest way to get around. I've brought my fully functional collector's edition train gear for taxi duty!"
"Hey, could you do a train formation?" Laki asked. "Trains are our thing."
Bemused, the Beezos conferred. The initial arrival turned back to him with a shrug. "Sure, why not."
Their squad ascended in a one-handed Conga line. Laki stood atop the leader's head, miming a train conductor. "All aboard!"
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
Flo clumsily balanced a frowning turnip overhead between her wingtips and lobbed it. The projectile plopped to the floor, not even halfway to Wart.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: It's too far away!)" Flo said.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Let me try.)" Maude added a running start, but a low-hovering bubble intercepted her radish. She yawped in displeasure.
The Crows muted themselves when Eve and Podley arrived. Podley's first try soared between two cutouts, while a bubble swallowed his second. On his third, he bowled over Wart with an onion.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 5th Place
" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to the Phanto Pyramids.' " Eve's eyes lit up. "I wonder what we're doing there."
Podley seemed equally intrigued. "Only one way to find out."
They headed for the gates. Flo and Maude continued tossing vegetables with the tips and wrists of their wings.
PLENN & THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers
TALLY & DEYN: Former Roommates
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient
"Our crew planted a garden when we tired of Coconuts and Keel Mangos," Thriff said. "This is like harvest day."
Thriff, Deyn, and Grubba were the second group's pacesetters. Thriff smoothly plucked one vegetable after another, hardly breaking a sweat. Deyn, hair drawn back into braided pigtails, matched him with practiced motions.
"I can feel my face melting," Deyn joked. "We shouldn't have bothered with makeup this morning."
"I'm a brand ambassador and distributor for Pastoad's, maker of the world's finest Fresh Pasta," Deyn said. "I'm all about good food. I grew up on a produce farm, so that challenge really brought back memories!"
"I'm a one-man pickin' machine!" Grubba declared. "Eatin' all my veggies when I was a young'un made me the fine, strappin' specimen I am today! Darn skippy, I'm stronger than Popeye 'cause I ate more 'n just spinach!"
"MEORK! Who are you talking to so loudly?!"
"I'm doin' my public service do-goodin' fer the day!"
"Do it quieter! I can't hear myself think over your mindless mumbo jumbo!" Goldy acted like a living katamari; vegetables stuck to her fuzzy body in limited quantities. She body slammed the bins to dislodge the produce.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins
"Curses…" Drak's forearms, currently gripping a particularly resistant sprout, had detached from his body. He snapped them back into place and finally dislodged a dazed-eyed sweet potato. "This draws my ire… My army would have reaped this land's bounty and laid it to waste in minutes…"
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: The other teams are on our tails! We have to get this!)" Flo flapped her wings wildly.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: What if we use our talons again?)" Maude suggested. She consulted the clue again before grabbing a turnip and taking flight. The Panser spoke up when Maude crossed over the line, but stopped upon realizing she hadn't released her projectile.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Just like those old movies Bob likes!)" Maude circled back with a diagonal trajectory and dropped her turnip like a bomber plane. It cleared the bubbles and slammed into the rear wall.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: You're a genius! Maude, I adore you so!)"
They alternated tries until Flo landed a clean hit. Wart fell back with a dented belly, very much defeated. The Crows launched into a crowing and dancing frenzy before glomping the judge and reading their clue.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 6th Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: That dropped us to the back of our flock.)" Maude said as they scurried to the gates. "(Sub.: I hope we can streak back into contention for the Express Pass, because we need a safeguard against tasks like this.)"
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates
DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson
Dupree and Darkly uprooted vegetables at roughly the same pace, but Goom Goom transferred them to the bins much faster than Dour.
"No hands? No problem!" Two turnips hovered near Goom Goom's body, and he punted other vegetables as he jogged. "I've got some tricks under my hat from my time as a mover."
"Most of the 6:30 teams seemed physically inclined, Dupree and Goom Goom included," Dour said. "Staying ahead of them was part of our plan to manage our own Hazard, but that wasn't shaping up as an option. It wasn't an encouraging way to start."
"Tenth or higher at all times," Dour recited. His cane limited his carrying capacity, so he mimicked Goom Goom by using it to whack vegetables.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 7th Place
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 8th Place
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 9th Place
Split-screen shots showed Goldy sitting atop Grubba's fedora and Grubba himself dwarfing two Beezo heads, Plenn and Thriff calling for a taxi, and Tally toppling Wart with a turnip.
Subcon, World 2-3
Phanto Pyramids
The navy blue team's Beezos circled a cluster of pyramids before landing at one with a flagged entrance. Northa paid all four and persuaded them to stay.
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 1st Place
Opening the envelope, she was surprised to find a red folder. "Second Roadblock. 'Who wants to play tomb raider?' "
(~*TAR*~)
Miles walked through a torch-lit corridor, scroll in one hand and arm-sized golden key in the other.
"I already explained what a Roadblock is. Rewind if you forgot. Just remember that everyone's limited to eight. In this Roadblock, one team member will enter this cursed pyramid with one simple objective."
A white and red mask swooped through the hallway behind him, phasing through the walls. Miles tossed the key aside seconds before it touched him. The mask relaxed its trajectory and darted back out of sight.
"Escape."
ROADBLOCK
Solve Pyramid Scheme
Rapid shots navigated mazelike hallways down to a central chamber decorated with murals of Wart, tapestries of Egyptian cotton, and golden masks all wearing the same disturbing grin. Twenty large golden keys stood at attention on their blades like a miniature army. One giant gray mask presided over the room.
"Participants must obtain a skeleton key and find one of three exits with it still in their possession."
A red snake called a Cobrat slithered into the shot and took a key into its mouth. The camera flashed with static as a distorted sound echoed and a mask lifted itself off the wall, phasing into white and red. Backpedaling shots rocketed to a red door with a keyhole. The Cobrat spat the key at it. A halo of desert sunlight appeared as the door spontaneously unlocked and cracked open.
"If they can do so without getting caught by a Phanto, they'll get their next clue."
Rewind, rewind. In an alternate scenario, the Cobrat tripped…despite having no legs. The Phanto swooped down and full-body rammed him. Both vanished on contact, while the key clattered to the floor.
"However, if they get caught, they'll have to find another key and try again."
(~*TAR*~)
" 'The person who sat out the previous Roadblock must perform this one.' I will raid tomb."
"I wish you luck," Inngrid said.
Northa used the pyramid's west entrance and descended a short staircase into an antechamber. Production equipped her with a rolled-up parchment and a helmet featuring a flashlight and a set of mounted cameras.
"I have read about pyramids. They ranked high on my must-see list. I get to explore one. Very exciting, da!"
She calmly hopped into a square-shaped shaft and landed in a sand pit. The surrounding hallway was a blend of limestone brick and craggy rock, alabaster tile and compact sand. She unfurled part of the papyrus scroll, revealing a detailed blueprint of the pyramid complete with architectural shorthand and overlapping floor plans.
"This…is not helpful." Nevertheless, Northa kept the map open as she began jogging.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 2nd Place
"Tomb raider? This has me written all over it!" Swindell exclaimed. He ran his hand over some hieroglyphics as production suited him up.
"It felt like something straight out of an Indiana Jones movie," Swindell said. "We got to rob a haunted pyramid! Fortune and glory, man! Not gonna lie, I was excited letting my thief side run wild again."
GARF & GUS: Currently in 3rd Place
"Clue says you gotta do it," Gus said. "Remember, go fast! Express Pass on the line!"
"Yeah. Be back before you know it."
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 4th Place
"Whoa, this sounds kinda delinquent," Laki said. "Last time I tried being sneaky, I got gang-tackled in front of my baby and reported on RDM!"
"Think of it as stowaway practice. And getaway practice," Mai suggested. "And burglary practice, I guess."
"Once you've become fully corrupted, you can come to the east side," Arfur said. "You'll fit right in."
Laki chuckled. "I'll give it my all!"
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 5th Place
" 'Who wants to play tomb raider?' That would be me." Eve broke the page's seal and read the details. She stifled a giggle and showed her mission to Podley. He chuckled.
"Break a leg."
"One cannot make this scenario up," Eve said. "Podley and I performed a song from Phanto of the Opera for everyone on the first night. It's one of the most powerful Broadshroom ballads ever written. But it also explicitly mentions how to avoid a Phanto."
Eve touched a hand to the stone walls in wonder. "Purehearted Eve is in an actual pyramid. At long last…"
"I could only hope that everyone was too wowed by our artistry to recall the lyrics."
"This is a problem." Eve stood at the junction of two hallways, trying to interpret the map's highly technical diagrams. "I don't understand this… Intuition is the old standby, I suppose."
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 10th Place
Drak defeated Wart in one shot. The gray team raced back to the gates.
"What trials await us within a tomb?" Crimson mused as their Beezo taxi achieved liftoff.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11th Place
Sweating in his sparkling sequined satin jacket, Dupree raised his hands placatingly as the Panser threatened to shoot more fireballs.
"Ah, my raveeshing rose! Zee 'eat of your flames matches zee passion in my lungs!"
"Let's split before she makes you hot all over. Literally." Goom Goom guided Dupree away. "Priorities, dude!"
Dupree unintentionally scared off the two female Beezos in their initial taxi, but they eventually secured a full unit and departed.
GARF
Arriving in the treasure chamber, Garf regarded its contents with awe and jealousy before rechecking his clue and approaching the keys.
"Here goes nothing."
He picked one up. The master Phanto's eyeholes flickered red as an underling lifted off the wall. Garf turned and ran.
NORTHA
"It is cool inside pyramid. Much better than hot desert air. I feel history in halls."
Garf suddenly rounded the corner and sprinted toward her. Northa sensed the malevolence of the mask chasing him and ran away as well.
"That is Phanto, da?"
"Duh! Want it?"
"Nyet! Keep it!"
After blindly running together through several corridors, Northa veered right while Garf kept straight. The Phanto continued pursuing the keyholder. Northa tore through another passageway before realizing she was safe. She bent over to catch her breath.
"Gah!" Garf felt the Phanto narrowly miss the back of his head.
"Those keys were booby-trapped," Garf said. "I touch one, my vision goes blurry at the edges and there's this metallic ringing noise. It was really disorienting."
Deciding to change tactics, he turned, gripping the scroll and key at their bases, and emulated a two-sword fighting stance. The Phanto swooped down through the ceiling and closed the distance. Garf sprang forward and sliced overhead with his key.
Its blade passed through the Phanto like there was nothing but air. Garf's eyes widened.
A split-second flash of black with an afterimage of a sinister smile blinded him before he suddenly crashed hard to the floor. Garf looked around at his unfamiliar surroundings, dominant hand empty. The Phanto was gone. So too was his key.
"What…just happened?"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 12th Place
Due to Bobolink's nagging, Swob's hasty throws hit bubbles four times in a row. His fifth shot lacked power and dropped to Wart's feet, but his sixth, an onion right in the kisser, earned him a clue.
"Ve are last two! Hurry!" Bobolink shrieked. Swob obliged, reading the Route Info in an unintelligible blur of words. "Not pit stop! Ve still have time!"
"Our relationship is unpredictable snowstorm," Bobolink said. "Sometimes Svob acts abominable and I rezink everyzink. How vell ve do may determine our future as couple."
After several minutes of confusion, Swob's explosion flagged down some Beezos.
"Vith name Vart, I vas plannink to suggest cryotherapy." Bobolink shuddered. "Vorse zan I zought. Picture nightmare to look at."
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place
Long after the brown team departed, the red team entered the barn. Darkly's second throw overturned one of the remaining Warts.
"This is looking grim. We're still playing catch up," Darkly said as they headed for the farm entrance. "I hate the desert."
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 6th Place
The Crows couldn't communicate with their taxi without exposing themselves to the other teams. They silently paid their Beezos and unwillingly released them back into circulation. Maude journeyed into the pyramid, while Flo dragged their backpacks to a secluded cactus and alighted on one of its arms.
SWINDELL
"That's insane." The winded Bandit leaned against the wall. "Even at full speed, I couldn't outrun that thing."
Once he recovered somewhat, he started trotting.
"First time in a long while I've gotten caught on a job, too. That's a blow to the ego."
LAKI
"I'm no architect, but I think I'm seeing the logic here." Laki awkwardly balanced the open scroll on his chest and right arm while plotting his course with his left hand. "I would've figured it out sooner if the map weren't so messy and complicated. The penmanship is horrible."
EVE
"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!" Eve gasped in wonder and took in the main chamber. She reached out to a mask, but stopped and retracted her hand, looking unsettled. "The real Phantos are…rather scary-looking in person. It's much less eerie when you know who's beneath the mask."
She noticed some figures and symbols on the wall.
"Incredible! Our set designers aimed for such authenticity!" She blew an air kiss, smiling fondly. "These hieroglyphics explain how Phantos work."
Eve took a deep breath and snatched a key. The bizarre sensory phenomena associated with it caused her to wince in discomfort as she broke into a run. Another Phanto joined the hunt.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 7th Place
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 8th Place
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 9th Place
Split-screen shots showed Goldy, Plenn, and Tally preparing themselves. Thriff and Deyn sent their partners off with words of encouragement.
"I oughta be doin' this one!" Grubba whined. "I'm still pumped and rarin' to go from the farm!"
"Bite me!" Goldy snapped. "You stuffed your face at a cherry buffet yesterday, you glutton! I wanna have fun too! And it's mine 'cause the clue says so, so nyeah nyeah!" She stuck her tongue out before bouncing toward the marked entry door.
Grubba pouted. "Li'l lemon firecracker can't take a joke."
EVE
"All these halls look the same. I hope I'm getting closer."
Eve periodically dropped her key when the Phanto's advances came too close, halting its pursuit. When she picked the key back up, the chase resumed. Eventually, she reached a marked exit.
"I made it!" She tried to insert the key into the keyhole, but it instead disappeared on contact. The door opened, and she stepped out into the desert.
A Cobrat guard handed her an envelope and closed the door again. Eve ran around the perimeter to the pyramid face with the marked entrance, where the non-participants waited. Production repossessed the map and recording helmet.
"Brava, Eve!" Podley shouted. Arfur and Gus traded looks of disbelief as he stood and headed over with their backpacks. "A smashing performance!" The lavender team trekked further out of earshot. Podley handed Eve a water bottle in exchange for the clue.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 1st Place
" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to Al-Hulmathani's Shy Guy Bazaar and locate the Doki Doki Panderia for your next clue.' "
(~*TAR*~)
Rapid shots raced across the desert to the city seen briefly in the first exposition of the day. Establishing clips spotlighted desert dwellers wearing colorful robes, clustered buildings with Mushroom-shaped onion domes, and tiled streets navigated by karts, motorcycles, and magic carpets.
"Teams must now travel by Beezo taxi to Al-Hulmathani and find Shy Guy Bazaar, the shopper's heaven taking up a big fraction of the city."
More shots showcased a lively marketplace crammed with stalls and throngs of people. A camera weaved through a pack of Shy Guys, Snifits, and Beezos to a green and gold stall decorated with black and white masks. Four humans in comfortable desert clothes beckoned inward.
"They must find the place reserved for a traveling mom-and-pop business from the waking world."
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Doki Doki Panderia
Giggling pajama-wearing twins Poki and Piki revealed an envelope hidden in their storybook.
"Here, they will receive their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"You worked that to perfection," Podley said. "We've claimed the lead."
They procured four Beezos and set their sights on Al-Hulmathani.
GARF
Key in hand, Garf sprinted through the passages. He misjudged his trajectory on a sharp ninety-degree turn and clipped his foot on the wall. Again he went down hard, chin slamming into the ground, scroll and key jolting out of his grasp.
"We must be walking pain magnets," Garf quipped. "We both took several falls, and Gus ended up spending hours getting buddy-buddy with a toilet. If we could go a whole week without a new scrape or bruise, it'd be a new record."
Garf gingerly fingered his beak's underside. "Oww… I can't catch a break." He paused, noticing the absence of his supernatural symptoms, and eyed the key lying in front of him.
NORTHA
"Third time is charm, da?" Northa said. "Exploding not work. Clobbering not work. I must outrun."
She charged through the corridors with a snow fairy's speed and grace, scroll hovering at her left side, and found a discarded key.
"I give this try everything!"
Northa rocketed forward several steps and then monitored the Phanto by trotting sideways. She sidestepped its first dive and leapt over the second, her feet clearing the Phanto's tip by inches.
"I must find exit! …Oh!"
Instead she found a dead end. Northa accelerated toward it and executed a spinning wall flip, intending to reorient herself to return the way she came. Unfortunately, she clipped the Phanto in midair and was teleported elsewhere, sans key.
"I like this to be over," she sighed.
GOLDY
"These keys are as big as me!" the Gold Fuzzy shrieked.
With the huge scroll adhered to her right side, she tackled a key with her body's left half. A Phanto awakened.
"What're you supposed to be? A bodiless jester? Halloween's months away, weirdo!"
The Phanto flew at her. Goldy dodged, knocking over several other keys.
"Meork! Get away, creep! I'm not afraid of you!"
Goldy lunged, teeth bared, and met the Phanto's next rush halfway. The next second, she was in some deserted corner of the pyramid, key no longer attached. Her face twisted in confusion.
MAUDE
Maude literally flew through the hallways, talons clenching the scroll and beak clutching the key. Every so often, she dropped the latter when she felt her pursuer encroaching too closely.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: You are very, very scary.)" Maude told the Phanto as it retreated. "(Sub.: Please leave me alone!)"
"Our knowledge of past seasons can help us if we're facing tasks that share similarities to things we've seen before," Maude said. "I remembered the Season 3 Bloocheep Sea Detour, where ghosts only attacked when the teams were holding the treasure chests. I tried that strategy with my key, and it worked!"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Eeek! Out of the fire and into the frying pan!)" Maude swiped the clue and fled. The Cobrat stared after her hungrily.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2nd Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: The great Merlin works her legendary magic!)" Flo crowed, wings raised. "(Sub.: Great job, dear! The singers left not too long ago, so we can still catch them!)"
They scurried to another face of the pyramid to flag down Beezos.
"How'd those kooky kookaburras finish before us?" Grubba asked. "They can't even talk!" Gus scrunched up his face.
"I forget they're the thirteenth team sometimes," Thriff said. "Anyone even know their names?"
No one did.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 10th Place
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11th Place
"Time to be the great Goomdini!" Goom Goom said as he descended into the pyramid. "Hey Crimson, wanna work together?"
"Presently? No." Crimson left the antechamber. Goom Goom blinked.
"Whoa. Ouch." Once he was suited up, he hopped into the shaft and started running. Upon hitting an intersection, he opened the scroll and then immediately closed it. "Maaaan, I get the giant maze Roadblock. Great. Forget finding a key. I don't know how I'm gonna find an exit."
SWINDELL
Swindell scooped up a key that'd originally been his and accelerated down the passageway.
PLENN
Plenn had the scroll partially unrolled as he ran, key lodged under his armpit. Mistaking the unsynchronized echo of footfalls for his own, he veered into a junction and narrowly avoided colliding with Tally. Both Toads quickly apologized and continued running side-by-side. A pair of Phantos flew after them.
"I cannot seem to locate an exit," Tally said.
"Me neither," Plenn replied. He titled his scroll toward her. "You make any sense of this fella?"
"None whatsoever."
They realized they were heading into a dead end and used their arms to soften their impacts against the far wall. In a last-ditch effort, Plenn flung his scroll, then his key at the swooping Phantos. Neither connected. Tally tried to dodge at the last moment, but was tagged on her foot and teleported elsewhere. Plenn lowered his fists once he realized the Phantos had disappeared. He glanced curiously between his and Tally's keys.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 12th Place
"Another Block in Road," Swob said. "Yours, Linka. Raid with force of thousand exploding Bob-ombs, SHA-BOOM!"
"I vill deliver showstoppink performance," Bobolink said.
She strutted into the pyramid, game face on. Her expression fell when the crew fastened the unfashionable bright yellow helmet onto her head.
"If zis is dream, vhy everythink fashion nightmare…?" she muttered.
LAKI
"What I wouldn't give for a railway coupling right now!" Laki's focus on his map caused him to miss someone's dropped key as he passed a hallway. "Or a train engine with a slatted pilot to bulldoze these freaky Phantos."
SWINDELL
Swindell ran up to an exit and tried to jam the goods into the keyhole, but crashed through the cracked open door instead. He took an envelope from the Cobrat and dashed back to Arfur.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 3rd Place
"Good work!" Arfur said. They quickly read the Route Info and started signaling for Beezos.
GARF & GUS: Currently in 4th Place
"Yes!" Gus shouted. "C'mon bro!"
After reading the clue, the Robbos tried recruiting Beezos from the other racers, but were unsuccessful. Gus intercepted the newest arrivals, but Darkly shooed him away.
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place
" 'Who wants to play tomb raider?' " Frowning, Darkly handed the folder to Dour. "You have to do it, Gramps."
"I won't disappoint you."
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 5th Place
"Ho, Plenn! A mighty fine job!" Thriff exclaimed. "You've catapulted us into the lead group!"
"Really?" Plenn noticed the cerulean and forest green teams nearby, trying to hail Beezos. He read the clue to Thriff while throwing on his backpack. They separated themselves from the other Rogueporters and began their own taxi search.
"Thirty minutes always felt so long on slow days," Plenn said. "I turned that deficit into a paltry sum. Right place, right time, right action. Tides change fast in this game."
The six Rogueporters assembled enough drivers and flew off in a pack.
CRIMSON
Crimson tumbled to the ground in a heap of bones. The Phanto missed her skull by inches. She quickly reassembled herself and reached an exit.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 6th Place
"Finally…" Drak said. He and the lone Beezo he'd entertained listened to the clue.
"Escape was a matter of observing the possessed masks' behavior and pinpointing a weakness," Crimson explained. "No defense system is infallible. Even the most well-designed have flaws. Except ours, of course."
"I spent far too long searching for the heart of the catacombs," Crimson said. "The Palace of Shadow boasts a far superior layout."
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 7th Place
Northa juggled the scroll and key like clubs to escape. Inngrid read the Route Info for her and an appreciative Swob. They proceeded on their saved taxi.
"I apologize, Inna," Northa said. "I took much time."
"You should not worry. We are still in good position," Inngrid said. "Did you see Linka? Swob was worrying."
"Nyet. She will be fine. She is smart bomb."
BOBOLINK
"AAAAAHHHHH!" Bobolink's startled shriek reverberated in two nonadjacent parts of the pyramid. She realized she'd lost her key and cursed loudly.
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 8th Place
Tally read the clue to her cheering squad of Deyn and four Beezos. They departed for Al-Hulmathani.
"Masquerade parties will never be the same," Tally said. "A warning for our theater excursions: I'll probably react adversely to seeing the comedy and tragedy masks."
"Yikes. Glad I took the does-not-scar-for-life Roadblock."
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 9th Place
While Laki completed the Roadblock, Mai assembled another Beezo taxi with his railway flags.
"Sorry I took so long!" Laki brandished his envelope.
As the orange team took to the skies, a restless Dupree toyed with his jacket. Darkly's aloof expression concealed his nervousness.
"The Roadblock sounds running-intensive. That worries me. Running isn't Gramps' strong suit. He might have to rely on stealth and sneakiness to get out."
Grubba cavorted into the shot and guffawed. "Right up any politician's alley!" Darkly looked at him flatly. Grubba flashed his gazillion-watt pearly whites. "Don't you worry about yer old man! I'm sure he's all fine and dandy! Entertain yer Uncle Grubba now! We can walk 'n' talk, whatever suits yer fancy! Oh, oh! Wanna wrestle?" Grubba eagerly hopped into a staggered stance. "I ain't takin' it easy on ya this time!"
Disturbed, Darkly shuffled away. "It's like Schrödinger's pyramid. Hopefully he's getting close."
DOUR
"Won't you show mercy to an old man suffering from several physical maladies?" Dour called out as he hobbled forward. "My poor, aching knees are flaring up something awful!"
The Phanto tackled Dour.
"Hmph. Guess not."
GOLDY
Goldy bounced around in a small circle before launching her devastating body mass at the Phanto with a feral cry. She again landed in some nondescript corner of the pyramid without a key.
"MEEEOOOOORK!"
Subcon, World 2-2
Al-Hulmathani
Noontime found activity levels rising as fairies and all manners of desert-dwellers crowded the streets. Food stalls cooking in preparation for lunch emitted tantalizing aromatic scents. Distant oud music provided a faint underlayer to the indistinct buzz of conversations and shouted advertisements.
EVE & PODLEY: Formerly Dating Actors
"There are so many people here," Podley remarked. "Businesses must be booming."
Their taxi touched down in the midst of the masses. Podley paid the Beezos while Eve asked around for directions. They navigated to Doki Doki Panderia, where a plump mustachioed man with a white turban, simply known as Papa, welcomed them. His two youngest children gurgled happily and offered an envelope.
"Oh, how darling," Eve cooed. "Thank you so much, dearies!"
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 1st Place
"Detour." Podley extracted a yellow folder. " 'Pyrotechnics' or 'Pot Techniques.' "
(~*TAR*~)
Prerecorded footage played of Miles climbing out from a standard green go-kart. He slipped into the bustling streets, barely dodging a procession of Shy Guys carrying long wooden poles overhead.
"A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Al-Hulmathani is a living celebration of the thriving arts and culture of the Subconian desert. It's only fitting that this Detour lets teams fully immerse themselves in the famous Party Oasis! Their choice? Pyrotechnics or Pot Techniques!"
DETOUR
Pyrotechnics or Pot Techniques
Papa's older kids managed a daytime firework show. Imajin, a boy wearing a white turban, red vest, and yellow knickerbockers, carried two rockets into the shot. Lina, a girl wearing a purple veil, red top, and purple pants, used a magic lamp-themed lighter to launch a shell into the sky with a muted whoosh. Subcon's law-defying properties threw the Mushroom-shaped strobe effect into sharp relief against blue skies.
"Every night, Al-Hulmathani enjoys the unique vision of a different fireworks display choreographer to celebrate the gift of dreams. In Pyrotechnics, teams will release their inner pyromaniacs as amateur show designers!"
Rapid shots trekked away from the market to a marked warehouse and wide open sand. The building housed thousands of assorted shells and rockets, as well as a flagged area with instruction manuals and animated photo albums.
"First, they will need to find Sparks Ignite on the outskirts of Al-Hulmathani."
Several rocket rack stations, spaced respectable distances from each other and from the warehouse, were oriented away from the city walls. A Shy Guy crew equipped one with a variety of missiles. Imajin and Lina then approached with their lighters.
"Then, they must design and test a firework show that exceeds two minutes and two seconds and meets several requirements. It must use at least ten different effects, cannot contain a lull longer than ten seconds, and cannot exceed an undisclosed theoretical budget. Oh, and it has to be exciting. Obviously."
To the booming tune of "TAR" appearing surrounded by yellow and red rings, an envelope materialized near a rack.
"If the fireworks show is pleased, it'll give them their next clue!"
(~*TAR*~)
Papa's wife, a tall woman wearing a dark blue hooded robe and a blue sleeveless dress, stood at a potter's wheel, throwing a clay vase as tall as she was by adding a series of coils. Several completed beige patterned vases stood in the background.
"Vases are a favored method of long-distance transportation and hammerspace storage in Subcon. In Pot Techniques, teams will leave their mark, good or bad, as ceramics craftspeople."
Quick shots traveled a short distance to the tent Mama was working in. A rapid time lapse showed her crafting the vase from scratch.
"Famed pottery vendor Vases Unlimited has an ongoing demonstration and several instructions that teams will follow to transform a lump of clay into a vase with an opening wide enough for their feet."
Mama torched the greenware into a bisque using a Fire Flower, dipped it in glaze, and torched it again.
"After firing their vase to bake out the moisture, adding Subcon-approved glaze, and firing again, teams may enter their finished product."
The camera trekked into a vase, revealing an impossibly large underground room with creamy white walls and a miniature platform Ferris wheel. Floating in the center of it all was a clue envelope.
"Inside, they will find their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Pot Techniques sounds more objective," Podley said. "I'd rather not let a self-judging fireworks show dictate our shot at the Express Pass."
After consulting a Snifit, they navigated the masses to Vases Unlimited. Seven manual pottery kickwheels were set up in a semicircle. Guest character Mama sat at the master station, gently applying pressure to her work-in-progress' inner and outer walls. She periodically added water to keep her fingers from sticking.
"I think I understand." Podley rolled his sleeves back. "Vaguely resembles glass polishing. I can mold if you'll spin."
Giant dome-shaped blobs of rust-colored earthenware clay were centered on each of the pottery banding wheels. Eve skimmed over several sheets of supplemental instructions and placed her foot near the flywheel. Podley wet his hands and added moisture to the lump of clay.
"Oh my, this is heavy." Eve struggled against the flywheel's great inertia, but managed to get it moving, which in turn rotated the banding wheel. She maintained its speed with repeated kicks.
Podley stabilized the spinning mound's sides with his hands and dug his thumbs into the top, opening a small crater.
"We need a very wide diameter," Eve reminded him. "Start off with a large opening."
"How do I do that?" He pushed down further and accidentally tunneled straight through to the banding wheel. "That's no good."
Podley removed the clay with a cutter wire and slammed a new batch onto the banding wheel. Eve kicked the flywheel to a high speed, allowing Podley to center and smooth the ball into a dome. After opening the lump, he applied pressure to the inner wall with his hands and gently pulled outward, widening the cavity. Podley then carefully flattened the interior bottom with his fingers.
"That looks good," Eve said. "Ready to move on?"
Eve spun the wheel at a slightly slower pace. With a hand stabilizing either side of the thick wall, compressing it slightly, Podley slowly lifted the clay upward. Gentle ridges appeared in his wake.
"Oh, there's a crack forming on the side," Eve said.
Several rotations later, the top collapsed in. Podley nudged his glasses up with his arm.
"I've heard stories about ceramics masters who've spent years developing their craft," Podley said. "It's very technical and it requires a good degree of motor control."
Cuts showed other failures, including a vertical tear forming in the wall, Podley pinching the clay into two pieces during a lift, and an off-center blob suddenly flying into the streets outside the tent. Eve covered her mouth with her hands, stifling astonished laughter.
"Not to mention patience…which runs counter to the urgency of the Race."
"I was never intimately involved with set design," Podley said sheepishly.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2nd Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Wet clay would goop up our wings. Pyrotechnics it is.)" Flo decided.
Tweeters gave them directions. The Crows weaved through the crowds, which thinned as they approached the city walls.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: We're setting off fireworks in our first Detour. This is crazy!)" Maude laughed.
Beyond Al-Hulmathani's star- and mushroom-imprinted ramparts, the horizon was lined by desert hills and rugged rock formations. Flo and Maude entered Sparks Ignite and gawked at the pallets, shelves, and bins stocked full with fireworks. Signs with cautionary phrases like "NO SMOKING!" and "NO OPEN FLAMES!" were interspersed among the overhead aisle markers. Ironically, the only employees in sight were Sparks, Pansers, and Red Birdos—species that posed significant fire hazards.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: It's like your friendly neighborhood fireworks market. A daily celebration's yours for the making in aisle three!)" Flo joked.
In the marked instructional area, they leafed through the warning pamphlet, advanced instructions manual, and fireworks specifications album. Each page of the album included a name, animation of the effect, approximate elapsed time from launch to explosion, and general use practices.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: This says our recommended number of fireworks is at least a hundred.)" Flo said, referencing their clue's supplemental guidelines. "(Sub.: We definitely need to get it right on our first try.)"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Right. We should consider how portable our selections are. I think we're carrying them a good distance, and there aren't any shopping carts in sight.)"
"Being able to fly is awesome," Flo said. "I wake up every morning and think, 'It's great to be a crow!' Well, until I remember my fledgling's on a regurgitated insect diet. I'll never get used to that. But I digress! We came into this knowing that our anatomy could be a help or a hindrance on certain challenges."
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Our show has to be all rockets.)" Maude reported. "(Sub.: They're the only thing we can carry. The shells are too heavy.)"
They loaded a tarp with rockets and, gripping its corners with their talons, lifted it into the air. Several fell out after they flew a few feet, forcing them to land and reload.
"Statistically speaking, Toads and Koopa variants have represented well on the Race," Maude said. "They're endowed with speed, strength, and opposable thumbs. We don't have those. Exploiting our strengths and working around what our bodies lack will be crucial to our success."
Once outside, they claimed the closest set of racks and dumped their backpacks and rockets.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: One thing at a time.)" Maude said. "(Sub.: We'll gather everything first, then set it up together.)"
DOUR
Dour had tucked the large scroll under his cane arm and held the key in his other hand. He dallied too long at a junction and was again caught by a Phanto.
"Tarnations and diddley-dangits…"
GOOM GOOM
"There's nothing here!"
"I swear I was going in circles. By the time I found the main room, all the keys had been carried out. I was freaking out that the pit stop was coming up. The Hazard had me desperate."
He found his first key in the possession of a competitor.
"Hey Bobbie," he called out, chasing after her, "can we work together? Please!"
"Vhat?" Bobolink glanced back.
Goom Goom suddenly shrieked at the sensation of something frigid and metallic passing through his body. The Phanto had passed through him, but he wasn't teleported away because he wasn't holding its key.
"Wh-What was that?!" Goom Goom cried, teeth chattering. "I feel so violated!"
"Zat vas Phanto. It haunts key. Very rude."
"I'm not staying in here with that! We only need one key for the door, right?! Please help me, please!"
"Fine. Ve play hot potato. Catch." Bobolink tossed the key to Goom Goom, causing the Phanto to whiff her speckled burgundy shemagh scarf. Goom Goom shrieked again and immediately hurled it, forcing Bobolink to backtrack. She muttered under her breath.
Like a passing drill, they sporadically tossed the key back and forth as they ran. The constant exchanges staved off the Phanto's approach, as if it needed time to recalibrate its homing capabilities.
"Yes! An exit!" Goom Goom shouted in relief.
On her next turn, Bobolink kept the key and sprinted forward. She fumbled to align it with the lock, but to her surprise, the key simply vanished on contact. To Goom Goom's eyes, Bobolink and the key disappeared through a closed door. He howled in frustration and hurried back into the pyramid's depths.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 10th Place
"You did it! Good job, SHA-POW!" Swob leaned in to peck Bobolink on the cheek as she read the clue. He had reassembled a Beezo taxi, allowing them to leave quickly.
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 11th Place
Dour found his grandson standing in the pyramid's shadow in the company of four Beezos. Darkly traded the clue for a water bottle.
"You passed a couple of people," Darkly said as he took out the Route Info. "Good job, Gramps."
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 12th Place
" 'Bout time! I was considerin' sendin' a search 'n' rescue team!" Grubba said. "Didja get lost?"
"As if!" Goldy scoffed. "I had a sicko pervert chasing me!" Grubba peeked over at Dupree, confused. "I had to make some detours to make it drop its stupid game of tag!"
"Welp, that's acceptable I s'pose, but we're second-to-last. That ain't good. We gotta make somethin' flashy happen!"
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place
Screaming hysterically, a disheveled Goom Goom scampered out of the pyramid and slammed the door shut behind him. He noticed the Cobrat, composed himself, accepted the clue, and rejoined Dupree.
"We're in last after I went through all that?! This sucks!" They hailed a Beezo squadron.
"I guess if I were in Bobolink's shoes, I wouldn't've helped me out either," Goom Goom said. "But I'm pretty sure she came up with that plan on the fly, taking me along for the ride and then dumping me at the last second. Girl's here to play."
"Wouldn't be the first time a girl led me on," he muttered. Dupree patted his head consolingly.
"Keep zee 'ope alive, mon ami! Zee closed 'eart cannot accept zee blood-pumpeeng nourishment of amour!"
Goom Goom sweatdropped.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 3rd Place
GARF & GUS: Currently in 4th Place
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 5th Place
"There's only one true choice here," Thriff proclaimed. "Fireworks!"
"Fireworks!" Plenn agreed.
The east Rogueporters expressed similar enthusiasm. They arrived as a pack at Sparks Ignite, where Gus balked at all the reading material and convinced Garf to skip straight to the show.
"They're fireworks. How hard could it be?" Gus said, loading Garf's arms with shells from the display closest to the door. "Light 'em up and shoot 'em off, and snap-crackle-pop, instant crowd-pleaser!"
Swindell and Arfur skimmed through everything once before jogging through the aisles. Near the warehouse's rear, they found several pallets of cake fireworks. Each cube contained ten to fifty tubes connected by a single high-speed fuse. Several larger ones were nearby, including some finale cakes too heavy and bulky to carry by hand.
"These look awesome!" Swindell whistled. "Fifty shots, one trip. Whaddya say, big guy?"
"Sounds like a plan," Arfur said, grinning. "Let's do it!" He lifted and shouldered the weight of a cake, with Swindell providing support as they speed-walked toward the entrance.
"We've never worked together on anything like this before," Arfur said. "I think we're still adjusting and figuring out our roles in the partnership. I can tell we're still thinking on the same wavelength, which is great. We need some constants with all the craziness."
Meanwhile, Plenn skimmed through the album and scribbled calculations with his trusty blue pencil. Thriff cross-referenced the manual and jotted down notes.
"Don't go overboard with detail, aye?" Thriff reminded. "Doesn't need to be a masterpiece, just passable."
"Just making sure we'll get it on our first go," Plenn said.
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
The Crows awkwardly carried an additional rocket each in their beaks.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: My mouth's going to be sore tomorrow, but it'll be worth it if we win the Express Pass.)" Maude said. "(Sub.: We're aiming for higher than the suggested hundred for safety, so we still have quite a few trips left.)"
They passed by the cake-carrying Swindell and Arfur.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: So much for our lead.)" Flo grumbled, grimacing in displeasure.
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 6th Place
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 7th Place
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 8th Place
Flash cuts showed the bombs and bones choosing Pyrotechnics; the shrooms, Pot Techniques.
"This lively market atmosphere is captivating," Tally said. "I'd love to return at a less harried time to explore."
"Right? We could take a day trip with the girls to flex our haggling muscles and partake in this great-smelling exotic cuisine!" Deyn said. "It'd be so much fun!"
They entered Vases Unlimited and invested some time observing.
EVE & PODLEY: Once Dating Actors
After several false starts, Podley molded a solid base. He flattened the growing vase's top, laid on a thick pre-prepared clay coil, and smoothed it on with his hands. Repeating this process steadily added height to their vase.
"We're making good progress," Eve said.
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 9th Place
"Ahhhh… There's something so beautifully poignant about a tender first kiss underneath a sky illuminated by celebratory fireworks!" Mai gushed. "Let's put on a show for budding romances everywhere with Pyrotechnics! Woo!"
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 10th Place
"If it were nighttime, Pyrotechnics would be a no-brainer," Darkly said.
"I've been running around all day, Darkly. I would be of little help setting up a fireworks show," Dour said. "In Pot Techniques, we stay in one place."
Darkly relented. As they ventured in search of Vases Unlimited, he muttered, "With a name like Pot Techniques I expected something less family-friendly…"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 11th Place
"I am firework," Bobolink purred. She winked at the camera and struck a pose that jangled her arrow-shaped golden fringe earrings. "Pyrotechnics. Naturally."
"We get to explode fireworks, SHA-BLAMMO! My heart is bursting with joy, SHA-KRACKITY!"
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 12th Place
"I'm a firework, a star, and sunshine supreme!" Grubba blinded the camera with his thousand-watt smile. "We're doin' Pyrotechnics! Naturally!"
"You loonies are letting these loonies shoot fireworks?!" Goldy screamed. "We're all doomed!"
NORTHA & INNGRID: Childhood Friends
The Bob-omb Buddies again employed survival gear from their packs as makeshift carriers. They dropped the load at their racks and raced back to the warehouse.
"This is first time traveling anywhere," Northa said. "We are on Race for fun new experiences! Fahr Outpost does not have fireworks. Making show for desert city was special once-in-lifetime opportunity. Our gift to give thanks for sharing Subcon with us!"
"I cannot wait to see how show looks!" Northa exclaimed.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Friends
They dropped another cake at their station and rehydrated.
"Definitely feeling it. These guys are heavy." Arfur passed a water bottle to Swindell. "Do you think three hundred fireworks is enough?"
"Yeah." Swindell took a swig, swished it around, and spat it out. "Let's do it."
Lina handed them the magic lamp-inspired lighter. Swindell lit the first wick. A sharp series of booms set the afternoon sky ablaze with colorful stars.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place
Distant booms from Swindell and Arfur's cake show drew the flatmates' attention.
"Pyrotechnics seems fast," Goom Goom said. "I've always had a wicked fantasy of a kiss under some fireworks."
"Unless you can convince one of zese lovely dreamboats, you will 'ave to go without zat part today, monsieur!"
SWINDELL & ARFUR: 1st Attempt
Much to the cerulean team's surprise, the cake emptied within seconds. Swindell hastily lit the second, then the third. Crackling crossettes burst into crisscrossed needles. Borromean rings expanded into orbit-like ellipses. Before they knew it, all six cakes had been fired.
"That was over really fast." Arfur's snout scrunched at the pungent sulfuric odor in the air. Their show barely exceeded one minute.
"Sorry, but that didn't meet the requirements," Lina said, reacquiring the lighter.
"I get the feeling we didn't use the right fireworks," Swindell said as he glanced around at the other racks.
EVE & PODLEY / TALLY & DEYN / DOUR & DARKLY
"You've done this before," Darkly accused dully. "You could've just said so."
"Only once, with the Silver Club," Dour replied, lifting the clay with his hands. "Twice, I suppose. The Great Tree elder dozed off, so I finished hers. Come to think of it, Kroop napped as well. I made three pots that day. And then I took forty winks myself."
"That past experience shows," Tally said from the next kickwheel. "Care to send some talent our way?"
"No. He's my grandpa," Darkly said. The Toads giggled.
"Deyn and I have worked together in various capacities as students, professionals, volunteers, and friends," Tally said. "We are intimately familiar with each other's work styles across varying environments, and I believe we complement each other quite well."
"Aw, no!" Deyn pouted as the wet clay collapsed in on itself.
"We're each other's biggest supporters," Deyn said. "Especially when things get rough. That's what BFFFLs are for."
Tally applied too much force and severed the clay in two. Blushing, she traded back to her role at the flywheel.
"Are we ready to move on?" Eve asked.
Mama confirmed that their vase had reached the required height. Cobrats helped Eve and Podley move their wet clay vase to an open, ventilated area toward the tent's rear. Standard procedure, especially for greenware this large, typically involved air drying to a bone-dry state for several hours, followed by slow, even firing inside a kiln for complete dehydration. Further heating at higher temperatures would invert the clay's quartz crystals and vitrify the greenware into a mature bisque. Subcon's dream properties conveniently made one thorough baking sufficient. Mama pulled out a rainbow dot-textured box of Fire Flowers.
"Isn't this a little dangerous?" Eve glanced at all the flammable objects around them.
"It's a dream. Should be safe," Podley said. He activated a Fire Flower; a whirling fire orb appeared over his dominant hand's palm. He tossed a couple of fireballs at the vase, which flashed red to indicate the heat dissipating over its surface. Podley rapidly threw eight more, exhausting the Fire Flower's effects, and grabbed another. "I never imagine having this much fun doing pottery."
Eve joined in, albeit reservedly. A stray shot hit the tent, bounced off harmlessly, and fizzled out. Seeing this, Eve threw away her inhibitions.
LAKI & MAI: Train Enthusiasts
"Did you know that they've used fireworks to draw a train?" Laki asked. "A sleek passenger locomotive with a cab forward engine, carving a daring path through snow-covered mountains high above sea level!"
"Really? That sounds breathtaking!" Mai stared dreamily off into space for a moment. She squealed giddily. "I love the thought of it! You have to show me a picture later!"
Passing by in the background, Grubba mouthed "cra-hey-zee!" to the camera.
"We're study buddies. Kinda. We study together, but not the same material," Mai said. "I'm studying to become a relationship therapist, he's studying locomotive engineering. Two radically different fields. I think it says a lot that we can have a good time together and still get work done."
"Peruse your reverie elsewhere!" Crimson commanded.
"Outta the way!" Gus shouted.
Laki and Mai held several rockets between them like a make-believe freight car with shells as their freight. They'd idled in the wide warehouse entrance, but were barely blocking anything. Regardless, they apologized and continued shuffling toward their racks.
"This option sure is popular," Laki said. "It's hectic like an urban subway rush hour."
PLENN & THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers
"Brocades. Green, four-inch, times three," Plenn checked them off. "Yellow, four-inch, times two."
"We opened Toad Bros. Bazaar together, but Plenn was boss," Thriff said. "He did the lion's share of the paperwork and left me to the grunt work. Whenever new inventory arrived, guess who usually unpacked it? Guess who prepared most of our meals? Here's a hint: the guy whose piece of Shroom Cake always went missing in the dead of night." He leveled a look at Plenn.
"Big brother privileges," Plenn joked. Thriff elbowed him in the ribs.
"Drop yours on the left," Plenn directed. "We'll use 'em at the beginning."
"Plenn's always been the man with the plan," Thriff continued. "We kinda subvert that athletic older sibling, academic younger sibling dynamic."
"You make it sound like you're only my little forklift minion." In a stage whisper, Plenn added, "He's also a great Sheepy Sheep and Fright Mask quality control test subject!" Thriff shook his head and laughed.
"Super Stars. Yellow, five-inch, times five."
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins
"Our opposition is wasting time choreographing elaborate formations," Crimson said. She and Drak grabbed fireworks without even reading their names. "This warehouse's preexisting organization already provides a thematic—OW!" She dropped her cargo and hopped around, clutching one foot.
Drak feigned innocence as Dupree and Goom Goom ran past. Crimson angrily bonked his turtle shell with a firework shell.
"Ow…"
"We corresponded by letter for the greater part of a millennium," Crimson said. "It was an indispensable barrier from his rampant immaturity."
"Crims is the nagging sister I never requested…" Drak said. "I cared not for your pleonastic writings…"
"Clearly. Your replies never indicated any acknowledgement of my points."
GARF & GUS: 1st Attempt
Garf launched a steady stream of peonies every two seconds. Each shell traveled the same height before bursting into a sphere that evolved through shades of green. Imajin's expression plummeted to unimpressed. Once they ran out, the twins turned to him expectantly.
"That was a fireworks snooze fest."
"Isn't this a dream?" Gus looked insulted. "We're all asl—"
"It didn't meet the requirements either." Imajin confiscated the lighter. "Thank you, try again!"
The Craws stared at each other, then at their racks, which were full of empty mortars.
"So much for the Express Pass. Crud!" Gus kicked at the sand. Garf rechecked the clue.
NORTHA & INNGRID: 1st Attempt
"This is 'Operation Desert Snowstorm,' " Northa said. "Please have enjoyment."
They lit their own fuses as ignition starters. The steady powder blue tinge of two Bengal fires set the stage for flurries of glitter and stars in white, blue, purple, and gray. Whistling clusters of spiders, horsetails, and fish skewed harshly between rings and willows, representing winter's howling south winds. Strategically places snowflake fireworks punctuated the action.
"That was elegant!" Lina complimented. "How'd you come up with that so quickly? Are you two professionals?"
"Nyet," Inngrid said. "Just Bob-ombs. We dream about big explosions like fireworks shows."
Lina giggled. "A beautiful dream it is."
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 1st Place
The navy blue team noticed the clue that'd spontaneously appeared near their racks. Inngrid opened it.
" 'Bring Masking Essence from The Ol' Factory to the next pit stop: HydraTion Fountain.' "
(~*TAR*~)
A Race flag hung from a nameplate for a fragrance stand with a rainbow of vivid incense burners crafted from glass and metals.
"The Ol' Factory is one of Subcon's most popular aromatic vendors."
ROUTE INFO
Find: The Ol' Factory
Rapid shots weaved between sellers and shoppers to a resting area. A fountain with a base of Mushroom Blocks and cement stood in the plaza's center, its centerpiece a granite statue of a three-headed serpent. Each head spat streams of water instead of balls of fire.
"Teams must obtain popular incense called Masking Essence and bring it to HydraTion Fountain, a monument of an evil guy who no one in Subcon actually likes. Why they built him a fountain, I don't know, but local children fill its water with angry vegetables every night."
ROUTE INFO
Go to Pit Stop: HydraTion Fountain
A circle of bystanders, several people deep, gave the fountain and world map bathmat a wide berth as Miles strolled into frame.
"This is the pit stop for the first leg of the Race."
(~*TAR*~)
" 'The first team to check in may win the Express Pass, while the last two teams may be eliminated,' " Inngrid concluded. "We are first finished here! We have chance to win leg!"
As Northa and Inngrid raced back into Al-Hulmathani, several teams scrambled to organize their fireworks. Only one show could occupy the airspace at a time.
EVE & PODLEY: Once Dating Actors
Cobrats helped the lavender team dip the heavy bisque in a vat of stirred beige glaze. Eve and Podley then bombarded the vase with more Fire Flower fireballs. Once the vase was sufficiently fired, Mama cleared them to enter.
"Time to see what's down the rabbit hole," Eve said.
They hopped in and dropped into a bizarre room that violated the laws of space. Colorful building blocks, some with random plant shoots, constituted the floor. A large lemon yellow gear supported four Ferris wheel platforms, with the envelope suspended in the center.
"Dreams sure are funny things," Podley said, bemused. He read the Route Info.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 2nd Place
They leapt upward through the orifice's wide parallel walls, which defied the vase's narrow concave opening.
"Pit stop is next. Good luck, everyone!" Eve said as she grabbed her backpack. Deyn, Dour, and Tally responded in kind. Both teams were coiling; Dour and Darkly had a sizable lead.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 1st Attempt
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Goom Goom said. "Dupree's crossing all his fingers for the both of us."
Monitoring his partner's wristwatch, Goom Goom had Dupree launch fifteen different fireworks separated by nine-second intervals of dead air.
"Your clue says your show must be exciting," Imajin said.
"But I was excited?" Dupree said. "I am sweateeng from excitement, non?"
"You're wearing a jacket," Imajin said. "In the desert."
"Eet was diabolical," Dupree said. "Eef you fire all you 'ave and are rejected, you must start anew." He sighed and clutched his chest. "Oh! Eet 'its too close to 'ome! A defibrillator shock to zee 'eart! Zee similarities to my lackeeng love life are too depressingly great!"
A steadfast Garf and a stressed Gus charged past them, carrying a variety of shells. Dupree and Goom Goom began grabbing rockets at random.
"We gotta haul it into overdrive," Goom Goom said.
Split-screen shots showed the navy blue and lavender teams navigating Shy Guy Bazaar. They arrived separately at The Ol' Factory's horseshoe arch and met the owner, a Snifit wearing gray robes. He handed them a yellow-and-red incense burner shaped like a magic lamp, with a mask engraved on the lid.
"Smells like desert essence. Refreshing, da!" Northa cradled the burner close. "I make wish to find pit stop quickly."
"We should've asked for directions to both destinations in the clue," Podley muttered.
The afternoon masses obstructed their view at eye level, but the two giant three-headed serpents—one red and organic, the other his stone lookalike—towering over everyone's heads were a beacon once in view. First-person shots swam through the pit stop crowd to Miles, Tryclyde, and Tryclyde's statue before swiveling to reveal the first arrivals.
"Welcome—" "—to—" "—Sssssssubcon," Tryclyde's three heads greeted, baring their fangs in crude misrepresentations of smiles. Eve and Podley thanked him, looking somewhat fearful.
"Eve and Podley?" Miles paused. "You're team number ONE!"
EVE & PODLEY: 1st Place
"Oh my goodness!" Eve clasped her hands together over her mouth in delight. She looked to Podley. Finally, Eve initiated a brief hug, after which they quickly put space between them again.
"For winning this leg of the Race, you've won five thousand coins," Miles said. "Each!"
"To the victors go the spoils!" Podley exclaimed, punching the air, as Eve shrieked joyfully.
"Now if you'll recall, the first-place team was never explicitly guaranteed the Express Pass." Miles showed them the laminated yellow card. "You now have to make a decision. Your ten thousand coins…or the Express Pass?" Eve gasped. "Let me reiterate that the Express Pass lets you skip any task through the tenth leg. If you pass it up, this offer will be made to the winners of each leg until someone trades their prize for the Express Pass."
"Wow." After a moment, Podley turned to Eve. "You and Vigil could use the money. I'll leave the final say to you."
"Podley, are you sure?" He nodded. Eve ran a hand through her hair. "My, this is a tough one. Our financial security is important. Five thousand coins is a lot. But we could win one million if we make it to the finals… We'll take the Express Pass. Final answer."
"Alrighty then. Here you go!" Miles handed Eve the Express Pass. She stowed it in the fanny pack. "And congratulations again, you two!"
"Thank you!"
"Who would've imagined that the middle-aged folk with the fractured relationship would claim the first win?" Podley said. "It's a great confidence booster. I can't wait to see what damage we can do once we've worked out our demons."
"Together we're unlimited," Eve agreed. "I have faith we can go far."
The childhood friends shot onto the scene and hopped onto the mat together.
"Northa and Inngrid? You're team number two!"
NORTHA & INNGRID: 2nd Place
They cheered happily and hugged. Inngrid swung Northa around in a small circle.
"What're your thoughts now that you've completed a leg?" Miles asked.
"Much harder than expected, but we are having much fun!" Northa said. "Everyone is kind and helpful. Dream world is beautiful! Very beautiful, da! I am exploding with love for this experience!" She turned to Inngrid. "I give you many, many thanks for racing with me!"
"Of course. I do anything for you."
DRAK & CRIMSON: 1st Attempt
"Incendio," Crimson muttered before lighting the first fuse.
The pair presented an eclectic mishmash of various fireworks fired in like groups to create some sense of coherency and narrative. Firecrackers not unlike cracking joints served as transitions between each section. Fittingly, several shells exploded into skull-and-crossbones to conclude their show. Lina confirmed that they passed.
"Bone-based missiles indeed…" Drak said dryly.
Crimson smirked. "I reserved that contrived coincidence for the finale."
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 3rd Place
They read the clue, retrieved their bags, and raced back through the city walls.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: 1st Attempt
"This place has fireworks of everythin'!" Grubba said. "Well, almost! See, something's missin'! Someone important! Future suggestion: y'all should design one after me!"
"Everyone who saw it would gouge their eyes out," Goldy said.
Twirling the magic lamp lighter, Grubba barreled on, "This beaut yer about to see is 'Grubba's Firework Show!' Starrin': Grubba!"
He pranced and one-person line-danced around the racks, lighting random fuses at a frighteningly fast pace. Goldy freaked out and bounced after him, but was completely drowned out by booming fireworks and Grubba's booming voice. Shimmering stars exploded high above in one giant psychedelic mess, but the spectacle on the ground was the real star. Eventually Goldy resigned herself to watching their preparations go up in smoke, reports, and multicolored chrysanthemums.
"What'd I do to deserve this? I'm a good Fuzzy," she said. "I've never even stolen anyone's life force."
Imajin somehow heard this and slowly scooted away from Goldy. Forty-eight seconds after the first burst of swirling golden stars drew a fleeting whirlpool, Grubba ran out of fireworks.
"If you release us now, I can go buy us both brain bleach," Goldy said.
"Sorely tempted to take you up on that," Imajin admitted, "but rules are rules. Sorry."
FLO & MAUDE: 1st Attempt
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: As long as we don't jump the gun on firing them, we should be okay.)" Maude said.
The up-close volume of their first rocket's takeoff spooked them, but they soldiered on. They divided their launching duties, allowing each to enjoy a minute of blue and purple stars in the forms of cascading palms, dissolving pearls, and expanding pistils. Flo inserted a longer pause before releasing their final firework: a white-yellow burst shaped like a majestic bird taking flight.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 4th Place
As the stay-at-home moms scuttled off, Imajin finally escaped Grubba's protests and wandered over to his sister. "Why am I overseeing all the duds while you get the good ones?"
"Just lucky I guess," Lina giggled.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 1st Attempt
"Nyet! Five-inch zere, six-inch zere!" Bobolink shouted. Swob rushed to rearrange two piles of shells.
"Fireworks show is like fashion show," Bobolink said. "Each part vows audience, but you must keep zem vantink more. Use space to build tension. End strong vith grand finale."
Bobolink commanded the lighter while Swob stood aside, watching with adoring eyes. Their show had fewer fireworks than others, but Bobolink distributed the content by following empty space with fulfilling volleys of intermingling brocades, bees, and willows accompanied by booming salutes. A collection of hearts at the end had an impassioned Swob running over and planting a big smooch on her.
"Hey, your clue…uh." Imajin slinked away from the ensuing makeout session.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 5th Place
"I am exploding with happiness! I want to be firework too, SHA-PLOOM!" Swob exclaimed.
PLENN & THRIFF: 1st Attempt
"We call this 'Stars and Shrooms,' " Plenn said.
Red, blue, green, and golden mushrooms bloomed in the sky alongside outlines of non-convex star polygons, all underscored by sparkling strobes and vivid supernovas. Lina applauded the brothers' success.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 6th Place
"Only you would go off the beaten path doing symmetry and tessellations at a time like this," Thriff teased as they ran back into Al-Hulmathani.
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 7th Place
The red team tossed the finishing fireballs at their glazed vase. They descended into their finished masterpiece, where Darkly questioned the room's illogical brightness without any light source.
"We may survive if others struggled on the other side," Dour said. Darkly boosted him out of the vase, and they asked for directions to The Ol' Factory.
Meanwhile, the pink team began torching their greenware.
"These girls are on fire~!" Deyn and Tally chorused.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off
"Ve need Maskink Essence!" Bobolink shouted.
Passersby guided them to a stall, where Bobolink haggled with the Snifit owner and received a hefty discount. Swob grabbed the container, and they set off in search of HydraTion Fountain.
Meanwhile, the gray team waded through the mob into the check-in area.
"Drak and Crimson? You're team number three!"
DRAK & CRIMSON: 3rd Place
Neither reacted at first. Finally, Drak said, "We tolerate nothing less than perfection…"
"Guess you'll just have to live with it then, eh?" Miles teased. The undead cousins glared at him, Crimson rolling her eyes.
"Demonstrating our brilliance while avoiding recognition was today's primary objective," she huffed. "A small victory that shall pave the road to our ultimate triumph."
Later, the violet team scurried up, Flo holding the burner awkwardly in her beak. She set it down upon hitting the mat.
"Flo and Maude? You're team number eight!"
FLO & MAUDE: 4th Place
The moms rejoiced. Tryclyde looked appetized by the petite squawking hors d'oeuvres dancing around.
"I worried myself silly the night before the Race envisioning scenarios where we became the next Gina and Sylvia," Flo said. "I couldn't live with myself if our legacy was 'Super-Dud Super-Fans: First team eliminated in thirteenth place!' Thankfully none of those disasters came to pass, and we're perched in a great spot moving forward!"
LAKI & MAI: 1st Attempt
"Our Excess Expresstacular's gonna leave you in awe!" Laki exclaimed.
"We did an homage to the Excess Express," Laki said. "Nothing's too good for my dream train."
Laki's opening missile exploded into a 4-6-0 five-set hovering over track-like brocades. He and Mai were enraptured, but Laki kept enough presence of mind to continue lighting fuses. Their showstopper featured a small cake of spoke-like peonies. Imajin shared in the buzz of their performance's aftermath until he glanced to where the clue should've appeared.
"I don't do things halfway," Laki continued. "I guess that sometimes includes royally messing up. I got too into it and accelerated to a speed beyond our plans."
"I'm really sorry about this," Imajin said, "but start to finish, your show was only two minutes."
Mai's expression plummeted. "You're joking. We missed it by two seconds?" Laki looked horrified.
"When I realized what happened, my brain careened off the rails," Laki said. "I couldn't believe it."
"I didn't speak up," Mai said. "I'm guilty too. We're a team. End of discussion."
"What do we do?" Laki fretted. "There's no way we can set up another fireworks show in time!"
"Do you want to switch?" Panicked tears welled in Mai's eyes. "Making a vase sounds time-consuming too, and we'd still have to find the worksite. We're already here and we know what we're doing."
"Right… If we get fewer fireworks and spread them out, we might catch up. We gotta go faster than a speeding bullet train."
Swob stared up at the Hydra in unabashed wonder. "Oh, I understand now! Subcon comes from 'subconscious,' SHA-WHOMP!"
Bobolink stiffened. Tryclyde's heads stared in wonder of their own.
Miles pointedly scanned the couple for a few seconds. "Do you have the Masking Essence?"
"Da!" Swob presented the object he was holding.
It was a stick of deodorant.
Miles visibly struggled to keep himself from laughing. "That sure masks someone's essence, but it's not what we're looking for. You'll have to bring the correct Masking Essence before I can check you in."
The Bob-ombs scrambled away from the pit stop in a haze of stupefaction. Bobolink rechecked the clue and cried out in frustration. "Maskink Essence is incense!"
"I thought it was metaphor, SHA-BLAM!"
Shortly after, the shamrock green team arrived with the correct Masking Essence.
"Plenn and Thriff? You're team number five!"
PLENN & THRIFF: 5th Place
They whooped and high-fived. "Not shabby at all. Good job today, bro!" Plenn clapped Thriff on the back.
Later, the red team ambled up, Dour trying to catch his breath.
"Anything…higher than eleventh would be fantastic news," he said.
"Dour and Darkly?" Miles injected a particularly long pause, mouth quirking up at the end. "You're the sixth team to arrive." Dour's engulfing eyebrows lifted as he collapsed against Darkly in relief. "However, your Hazard demotes you to seventh. You'll have to wait for another team to check in before I can do likewise for you."
"Wow." Darkly said quietly. He gave Dour a measuring look as they sat at a designated waiting bench.
After some time, the brown team returned with the incense burner. The Twilighters joined them at the mat.
"Swob and Bobolink, Dour and Darkly? You're teams six and seven!"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 6th Place
DOUR & DARKLY: 7th Place
"Special explosions boosted us to top half, SHA-BLAM!" Swob made his rounds hugging everyone, much to Darkly's discomfort. He then shared a happy kiss with Bobolink.
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 8th Place
"The skies have been quiet for a while," Tally said as she hoisted on her backpack. "Time to discover our fate."
"I've got no regrets," Deyn said. "You?" Tally shook her head. They got directions and ran for The Ol' Factory.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: 2nd Attempt
GARF & GUS: 2nd Attempt
Split-screen shots showed two shows of random fireworks. Most teams on their second try subscribed to a grab-and-go philosophy.
As soon as their final comets flashed like electric blue light bulbs, Swindell and Arfur turned expectantly to Lina.
"Was that good enough?" Swindell asked.
"Subcon thinks so." Lina pointed out the envelope near their racks.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 9th Place
GARF & GUS: Currently in 10th Place
"At least we're not last," Garf said, waving his thanks to Imajin.
"Yeah, but we're not first either," Gus spat pointedly.
The Rogueport teams read their clues and departed at separate times.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 2nd Attempt
"Surely we cannot be eliminated by such a beautiful desert princess, non?" Dupree beseechingly took Lina's hands. "Honh? Your skin eez soft like aged brie! What moisturizer do you use?"
"Um, thank you?" Nonplussed, Lina slipped away. "But I'm not the one who actually decides." Imajin suddenly appeared at her side, holding a squinty-eyed turnip matching his leery expression. Goom Goom sweatdropped.
"Focus, man! Fighting to stay alive here!"
Dupree fired off at least seven times as many fireworks as before. He and Goom Goom voiced semi-exaggerated oohs and aahs throughout, to Lina's amusement. Following a finale flurry of fizzling fuchsia fish, their envelope materialized.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11th Place
" '—the last two teams may be eliminated,' " Goom Goom read. "We gotta pass someone, or that'll be us. C'mon!"
"Tally and Deyn? You're team number eight!"
TALLY & DEYN: 8th Place
They cheered lightly and hugged.
"Standing in this lovely marketplace with my best friend at my side, pleasant incense in hand, and an opportunity to continue to the next leg?" Tally smiled. "I couldn't be happier."
GOLDY & GRUBBA: 2nd Attempt
"My competitive fire burns strongly within!" Grubba lunged for the lighter. Goldy pivoted it out of reach. "The world's gotta have a looksee at Grubba's Firework Show, Part 2: Super-Slow Burnin'!"
"No! We're here 'cause you messed up the first time!" Goldy scolded. "I'm doing it! Now sit down and get outta my way!"
She methodically whipped the magic lamp from one fuse to another, releasing a hodgepodge of dahlias, strobes, and spinners. Though not an active participant, Grubba refused to be completely sidelined.
"And it's rank number nine: The Sewer Pyrite Queen!" He gesticulated at Goldy to a mildly amused Imajin. "She's a-flouncin' around like a kinetic kangaroo! Hoo-wee! It's a scary sight to behold! If you encounter this beast in the wild—"
"Meork! Will you stop?!"
Grubba indeed fell silent as a golden star firework boomed above. He readied their packs, returning to normal, as Goldy read the Route Info.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 12th Place
" '—the last two teams may be eliminated!' Gaaah, that's gonna be us!" Goldy screeched.
They skedaddled, leaving only Laki and Mai at Pyrotechnics.
The lime green, forest green, and cerulean teams scrambled through Shy Guy Bazaar's crowded streets. Each arrived separately at The Ol' Factory and obtained Masking Essence. Swindell, the cast's lone mask-wearer, seemed reenergized by its subtle odor.
First-person shots weaved through the afternoon bustle and squeezed into the fountain plaza.
"Garf and Gus? You're team number nine!"
GARF & GUS: 9th Place
"Still in it." Garf made a subdued fist pump.
Another team arrived before the brothers evacuated the mat.
"Swindell and Arfur? You're team number ten!"
SWINDELL & ARFUR: 10th Place
The future business partners bro-hugged and exchanged high-fives with Garf and a sullen Gus.
"A little preparation goes a long way," Arfur said. "We would've paid if other teams hadn't messed up after us. We're not the brightest guys, but we're literate. We need to slow down and read everything. There's a right time to hit the accelerator and a right time to hit the brakes."
The flatmates charged over, looking hopeful.
"Dupree and Goom Goom? You're the eleventh team to arrive." Their expressions fell. "Your Hazard demotes you to twelfth. I'll have to ask you to wait over there for the next team."
"Zee 'azard rejected our bid for safety…" Dupree muttered. "Zees eez bad."
Eventually, the gold team arrived. Grubba hollered as he leapt onto the mat.
"Goldy and Grubba? You're the twelfth team to arrive." Neither reacted. "But Dupree and Goom Goom's Hazard puts them behind you, so you're team number eleven!"
GOLDY & GRUBBA: 11th Place
"Whoo!" Grubba squeezed Goldy to his chest like a spiky, protesting teddy bear. "Gotta make our fans sweat a bit! It'd be borin' if we made this too one-sided, you hear what I'm sayin'?"
The bachelors returned to the mat, shooting resentful glances at Grubba.
"Dupree and Goom Goom? You're officially team number twelve."
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 12th Place
"I'm…pleased to say that this isn't a double-elimination leg! You're safe!"
Dupree wheeled his arms in a disco happy dance. Goom Goom fell backwards and grinned at the sky. "Man, that was close!"
"We 'ave to remove zis pesky Hazard," Dupree told Goom Goom. "Zere is too much beautiful world you 'aven't seen for us to be eliminated like zis! And I know zee best way to do eet, honh honh!"
The train enthusiasts took turns lighting the afternoon skies with the Excess Expresstacular 2.0. When their signature train firework reappeared for the finale, Laki blew his railway whistle. Imajin and Lina applauded and stood by as they read their clue. Before leaving, Laki gave them a signaling flag as a keepsake.
"We're converting you," Laki joked.
"Come to the train side." Mai winked. "Our dining cars have everything."
"It's surreal knowing we were last by two seconds," Laki said. "If I'd gone this much slower or had enough self-awareness, we would've had a better outcome. I wish I could wake up and do it over again."
Laki and Mai emerged from the crowd in a two-person conga line, pumping their arms in a locomotive motion and chanting assorted train noises. Mai placed the incense burner on the ground and straightened to face Miles, throwing an arm over Laki's shoulder.
"Welcome—" "—to—" "—Sssssubcon!"
"Laki and Mai. You're the last team to arrive."
LAKI & MAI: Last Place
They nodded, smiling sadly.
"And I'm sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the Race."
"End of the line already," Laki sighed. "One stupid mistake and it's all over."
"It's okay." Mai patted his arm.
"Our journey wasn't planes, trains, and automobiles. Or even trains, trains, trains," Laki said. "But it was still incredible, you know? You don't get to jump off buildings, ride magic carpets, and play with fireworks every day. It was crazy fun, and it was even more enjoyable because we did it together."
"We always make our own fun together," Mai said. "The Race was uber fun."
"Laki's one of my closest friends and my go-to railfan buddy," Mai said. "It's amazing, having someone who gets that part of me."
"Mai, stoop…" Flushing, Laki removed his goggles and rubbed at his eyes, mumbling something about desert sand. "You've watched too many sappy movies."
"And you're derailing my cheesy farewell speech. How about this? We're both total geeks about the same geeky things, so we can geek out together in geeky ways without caring what non-geeks think. That deep enough?"
"Much better."
"We met and connected over train geekery, but the Race affirmed that our friendship runs so much deeper than that," Mai said. "Even when things went south, we buckled down and knew we could rely on each other. Laki's a friend for life, and I'm thankful we did this together."
"Say, can we place a special request for the finish line to be aboard the Excess Express?" Laki asked, half-jokingly. "It'd be the most epic finish line ever!"
Miles laughed and bid them farewell. Laki and Mai ventured back toward the heart of the bazaar and disappeared from sight.
"This season, on The Amazing Race," Blaise narrated, "teams travel across five dimensions, two timelines, and nine galaxies."
Flash cuts showed future locations. A steel bird's nest. An upside-down waterfall. The Statue of Liberty.
" 'Caution: U-Turn ahead!' "
"We don't have our time machine!"
"How're we supposed to feel Joy at a time like this?!"
"Will you marry me?"
The final shot lingered on the finish line in Fahr Outpost.
"The next episode is a tale of action."
Grubba smashed a flyswatter against a giant metal fly.
"Artistry."
Oil landed all over Bobolink. She screamed in horror.
"And heroics."
The camera panned up Princess Peach's Castle. On fire.
"All this and more on Episode 2: Paint a Pretty Picture. Be there."
End of EPISODE 1.2
Easter Eggs
- The fireworks show duration requirement, 2'02", is taken from the current Shy Guy Bazaar world record (achieved in 5/2014).
- The Fire Flowers used to fire the vases emulate Mario Kart 7 behavior, with 10 fireballs per flower.
Author's Notes (4/27/16): This is a major deviation from Version 2, where Laki/Mai won Leg 1 and the Express Pass and survived until mid-season. On top of their team going full-throttle TRAINS, cloudless Laki received a substantial physicality nerf. Probably the biggest hint at this outcome is Mai referencing Titanic. In retrospect, the Detour (specifically Pyrotechnics) is pretty unbalanced, needlessly subjective, and too difficult for Leg 1, but...regardless, Laki/Mai would've left first.
Episodes 1 and 2 borrow elements from Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic, BS Super Mario USA, and Super Mario Advance. Since their influences are relatively minor and all three are variants of Super Mario Bros. 2, the overarching theme, only one game is counted in the media tally.
I'm a big fan of The Amazing Final Fantasy Race, which is hosted on The Goat Pen. I highly recommend reading it, even if you're unfamiliar with Final Fantasy or other Square Enix games. TAFFR4 introduced having the Express Pass as an alternative leg prize, which I really appreciated. The series also coined the accurate catchall term "delay" for the Yield/U-Turn obstacles, both of which will appear this season.