Chapter 2: I never got around to actually naming it…
Disclaimer: Still, I own none of the characters except… Dio-Chan the Duck. My duck. Get away from him!
NOTE: Ansem Xehanort's Heartless; Riku A.D.D; Kairi Stupid; Sephy Chibi Cute; Leon Insane. Thank you!
"Meh" Thoughts
MehStressed words
ALSO: Due to complaints of confuzzlement from my Alter-Ego… I shall try my best to make things clearer –ahem-
"Riku, dammit! This isn't funny!"
We begin another chapter where Sora and Riku are running. Yup, Riku is running away with Sora's Keyblade.
Oh, great… Selphie…
She's never looked upon as a great character. It's always 'look, it's Selphie. Whoopdi-frikken-do.' It's never 'look, it's Selphie! Yea!' But hey, it's not my fault she's annoying in that damn yellow dress. Damn, I hate yellow. And dresses, I hate dresses. And her hair… it's all… flippycurlyturny. Anyways, Selphie.
"Nyah-nyah-nyah!"
Yes, that's all she says. Mostly because I don't have any dialogue for her. I don't even know why she's here.
Right, back to the chase. Riku, with his superior speed, was able to lose Sora quite easily. "Riku! Come back with my Keyblade!" Sora wheezed as he began to slow down. "Damn, I'm out of shape…"
"Hah! Shiny mine!" Riku screamed maniacally. And Riku ran off into that oh-so-familiar Sunset. Followed by Fangirls #1-17 and Fanboy #2.
"RIKKU!! WHERE ARE YOU?!" Yuffie screamed as she ran through a crowd of people in the busy Outdoor Shoppy… Place… Thing. Even if she were to find Rikku in the mass of people, she would've run right past her and not even noticed.
"Oh, what am I to do?" She asked herself as she sat down on an occupied bench. The lady sitting there was befuddled by Yuffie plopping herself down beside her and talking to seemingly no one.
"If the Will of the Voices isn't carried out… then there will be hell to pay… I don't want to pay hell! I can barely pay my rent…" Yuffie continued. The lady twitched away from her. "…what was I talking about…? Wait! I must carry out the Will of the Voices!" And with that, out friend goes zooming down the street looking for Rikku once again.
Eventually, after much trial and error, Yuffie found the elusive Rikku. And this is what happened when Yuffie met Rikku. These two shouldn't even be in the same country together, let alone the same Outdoor Shoppy Place Thing. Tetsuya Nomura 1 realizes this.
"Hey! Are you Rikku?" Yuffie said as she ran up to Rikku.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?!?" Rikku screamed at Rikku.
"Huh?" Yuffie cocked her head.
"You stole my outfit!" Rikku accused.
"Actually… you stole my outfit. Final Fantasy VII came out, like, five years before Final Fantasy X-2…" Yuffie said, rubbing her temples.
Rikku paused for a second before screaming, "So?!!?"
"Besides, the original is always better!" Yuffie commented.
"Nuh-uh! You're crazy!!" Rikku twitched.
Then there was a silence. Yes, a silence so silent that it makes you ears hurt and your eyes collapse into themselves.
"I HAVE FEATHERS!!! AND BEADS!!!" Rikku screamed suddenly.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP
Sephy Chibi walks onto set
"Terribly sorry, but the narrator person has ran out of dialogue for this section. To compensate for this, she has decided to… uh… line!!"
Identical Sephy Chibi holds up a placard
"…she has decided to skip to Lemon, er, Leon… and Kairi. Applause. Step off set… oh, sorry.
Sephy Chibi walks off set
Fangirl #7: Aww… its sooo cute! –pokes at chibi-
"Aw… now it's all boring-like without someone to annoy with my annoying voice and the annoying way I run and my abnormally big head and my stupidity." Kairi said as she kicked at a tiny pebble.
"Ow!" A teeny-tiny voice rang out.
-Gasp!- Who said dat?
Kairi looked stupidly about her surroundings, scratched her head a proceeded to kick at the penny… wait… penny? It was a pebble just five seconds ago. Kairi stared at the penny for five days… yes, five days without eating, drinking, bathrooming, or blinking. Just drooling, lots and lots of drooling. Then with the speed of a speeding slug, Kairi noticed that what she had kicked at was not a pebble, or even a penny for that matter. It was now an Ansem Chibi.
Despite the fact that I have a thing for silver-haired guys… coughcoughRikucoughwinkSephirothwinkspinsaroundbloodgushesfrommouthdies Ansem… scares me… and he isn't hot… but Billy Zane 2 is!
Yes… well the Ansem Chibi…
Kairi reached her hand out to pet this little wondrous demon and… it bit her.
Now, normal people would walk away from such an encounter. Or, if you're like me, kick the little bastard and be on your way. But NO! Kairi just has to be an effin retard!
The redhead stared at her bleeding hand… and back at the chibi, who was blinking innocently, back at her hand… chibi, hand, chibi, drooled a bit and reached her hand out yet again to pet the chibi.
You might be able to guess what happened… yes, it bit her hand again. This time, however, Kairi decided to act as if she had some kind of a fraction of a brain. A fraction so low that I have not yet thought of a number to describe it.
She said aloud to the Ansem Chibi, which was busy trying to catch a dragonfly, "It's like Riku always said: Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice… screw you, I'm calling my attorney." And she walked away from the Ansem Chibi.
Now it's time for an infomercial break!! A blissful melody plays in the background
A lone Sephy Chibi sits and plays with a broken toy
"This is one of millions of chibis that need a warm, loving home."
Announcer Lady walks over to the Sephy Chibi and picks it up
"You can help a cute chibi by adopting one or just by sending a monetary donation to make sure that one of these little guys receives food rich in nutrients that it needs. This next segment will show just how many chibis there are that need help form you."
Ten Riku Chibis chase after one Sora Chibi that has a shiny key; three Yuffie Chibis stand on their heads; four Sephy Chibis gather around a fire that consists of two Cloud Chibis; a Leon Chibi stands off to the side while eight Kairi Chibis bounce around him and poke at him; Six Rikku Chibis chase a Yuffie Chibi; a Yuffie Chibi and two Sora Chibis throw stuff at a Cloud Chibi; a Leon Chibi and a Yuffie Chibi make out in a corner; an Ansem Chibi makes lunch out of a dragonfly while three other Ansem Chibis babble incessantly about darkness to a Sora Chibi and a Riku Chibi.
"You see? There are so many more that we haven't even shown you. These chibis have been abandoned and they need you help. So please, call this number so that you can make a difference in their lives."
the now bloody announcer walks away with a Sephy Chibi gnawing on her arm, and Ansem Chibi gnawing on her leg, and a Riku Chibi gnawing on her head
Infomercial over!
So now that we've seen what Kairi has been doing for the last five days, time for everyone's favorite bad boy!
"Finally… peace at last…" Leon said as he stretched in the sand.
Then that oh-so-familiar silence, you know, that silence that is so silent that it pierces your eardrums and you eyes roll into the back of your head you go into convulsions…? Yeah, that silence. The silence that can drive men mad was doing just that to Leon.
He about the beach not caring about who or what saw him and he ate sand, screaming between mouth-fulls and he hugged trees and ate their bark.
The trees jumped back in fear and agony but Leon didn't care or rather he didn't notice. He was far too busy imitating a bunch crabs. He scuttled along the seashore and he hopped in front the bunch and roared. The trees and crabs feared this crazy man. But they soon looked past their fear and were in the midst of a burning rage.
Who was he to come to their island and scare them so badly that their children would have the Aztec Revenge 3? And their children's children would be asthmatic. And their children's children's children would never have any good luck especially with animals?
The trees then launched a volley of coconuts and the crabs pinched at his legs.
"Argh!! It burns!!" AIEEEEEE!!!" He screamed as he wiped coconut milk from his eyes.
Blinded and confused, Leon thought of only getting away from the crabs. He ran towards the angry mob of trees, and let me tell you, they were a notch above mighty pissed.
Branches fell upon him and roots rose to trip him, but the darling Leon was too fast for those darn trees. He made it to an opening in the dense forest. Since then… the trees had stopped trying to kill him. For the falling star that all trees worship was in the sky.
Why would trees worship a falling star, you ask? Well, I'm not exactly sure why, actually… here's a better question… why are you wasting time sitting at your computer when you should be outside? Now, don't question me again.
Right the opening… this was the campsite of those long forgotten hotties Cloud and Sephiroth. Go ahead… admit that you've forgotten them. It's okay.
Fangirl #8: I didn't!! –holds up a poster that reads 'Marry me, Cloud!!'-
But Leon didn't know this. All he saw was the remains of a campfire and a half-eaten tent. He cocked his head and wandered to the center of the mess of a campsite.
"Something definitely happened here…"
Just then, Leon stepped on something… something that was little and smushy. Yes, it was smushy. And it… squeaked?
"What the…?" Leon said as he lifted his foot. "What is that?" He asked as a little silver flash dashed from his foot to hide behind the half-eaten tent.
"Hey… guy… hey…" he said in a gentle, quiet voice. He crouched down and walked slowly to the tent.
The little thing squeaked out something that sounded like "eeek greee re-un-ion… re-un-ion…"
Leon cocked his head, "Uh… reunion?" he repeated. "What reunion?"
"Re-un-ion… re-un-ion…" it squeaked again.
"What, do you want to go to a reunion somewhere? Or do you want me to come to your reunion?" Leon asked, now thoroughly confused.
It said it again, only this time the squeak seemed to be coming form behind him… and from either side of him. He then realized that he was surrounded by the silver little thingies. Not knowing if they meant to befriend him or consume his flesh, he backed away from the half-eaten tent.
He turned around and there were dozens, no scratch that, hundreds of little Sephy Chibis.
"Re-un-ion, re-un-ion, re-un-ion…" They all said in squeaky little voices. They closed in on Leon from all sides. He then knew that he was never meant to leave this accursed island ever again.
On a lighter note…
Let's get back to Riku. If you recall… he had just stolen Sora's Keyblade. Sora, of course, couldn't keep up.
But Riku had long forgotten about the shiny when the most peculiar thing happened to be following him. It was… a duck… riding a turtle. Odds are you've never seen a turtle-riding duck. It's not very interesting… but Riku is Riku.
He has the attention span of cheese. That he does.
He stopped to stare at the duo.
"How does the duck stay on its shell…?" he wondered. "Ducks don't have thumbs, do they?" Riku asked himself and he scratched his head. Idea? Yes, idea. He would ask the duck.
"Hey, duck! You got thumbs?" He turned around and blurted at the unsuspecting duck.
The duck hopped off the turtle and said in a very sophisticated British accent, "Why, of course not, silly Riku. I've got wings… see?" The Duck said holding up one of its wings. But Riku did not see, for he had since forgotten about his question and was now interested in the turtle. He poked it… and poked it… and poked it.
Yep… cheese.
"Ahem! Riku, pay attention."
"Who are you…?" Riku said as he inclined his head slightly. "… and why do you know my name?"
"Well, if you had been paying attention, I was about to introduce myself--" the Duck began.
"Hey. Did you know you have a monocle?" Riku interrupted.
"Yes. I know I do." The Duck said calmly.
"Did you know you have one of those mustaches that curl at the end that all evil men seem to have? Well… except Ansem. I guess he's too feminine…" Riku trailed off.
"Ye-wait… What are you talking about?"
"I don't know. What? Are you crazy?" Riku asked.
"Listen, Riku, I have been sent here to seek…"
"Hey! Look! Shiny!" Riku said as he ran toward the Keyblade.
"Riku! Will you pay attention?"
But it was in vain, for the silver-haired Bishie ran off from the very spot that the turtle was.
"Oh, dear…" the Duck said and he hung his head and hopped back onto the turtle.
And they followed Riku at an extremely slow pace.
Now, let's check back on Yuffie and Rikku.
I kinda ran out of dialogue for that section, sooo… Viola!
"Feathers? What the crap? I will kill you!" Yuffie screamed.
"Yeah?! Well, I'd like to see you try!!!" Rikku retaliated.
AND… the fight of the century began…. But first there was a stare down.
Rikku and Yuffie glared at one another for hours. We'll just leave those two for a bit…
Uh…. Sora. Yes, him. He's all outta breath and such. He had fainted on the soft sand of the beach after Riku had run off.
He awoke. "Wha? Again? Hey. Announcer Lady… I know you're here."
Announcer Lady? I'm a narrator! Gah… do I have to keep telling you this?
Sora backed away from the shore. There was no way that he was going to get carried off to sea again.
"There's no way that I am going to get carried off to sea again…" he said completely ignoring the fact that he had just said what I had.
Just then, Sora realized something… he had a cape. Yes, he had a red cape. I don't know why… well, yeah, I do. But I'm not gonna tell you! The cape was all attached to Sora's red jumpsuit apparatus. As if it had always been there. But we all know that it hasn't.
I know that, because if you're reading this… you probably don't have a hobby. I know my hobby. It's criticizing you people for not having one of your own. Yup, see? I'm normal, folks. Really! I don't stalk people at all! coughcough
Right, Sora's cape…
Guess what… Sora can fly! Look at him go! Whoosh…! Yea!
Alright, because Sora is so naïve that he's cute… I'll stop freaking him out now…
And he fell asleep on the grainy surface of the beach
DA-DA-DUN DA-DA-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN!!!!
Can it be…? Is it possible that… maybe Cloud isn't as dead as we thought? Yes, it is. Such is da powa of Square-Enix ™. Well, he is still dead… but he's a ghost! Yea! Now, he and Aerith can haunt Sephiroth for the rest of eternity!
Oh. It's all FFVII in here all of a sudden. Yes, the original one that came out way back in '97. That's like ten years ago!!!
Sephiroth was just walking along in the Sleepy Forest. I know that's probably not even the real name, but I don't feel like looking it up. It's the forest that Aeris, er, Aerith went to after Sephiroth mind-freaked Cloud into giving him the black materia. Alright… lots of blank stares…
C'mon people, work with me here… Basically, it's a forest that… sleeps. And if you enter it while it sleeps, you'll be lost forever and all eternity. Which is really annoying what with the random enemies that appear? And if you're weird and you keep you T.V on Really Super Loud and you sit really close to it, then every time there's a fight you have a mini-heart attack.
Anyhoo… the only way to get through this forest was to find this harp thing that somehow wakes the forest. That's fine and dandy… but you have to dig for the stupid harp in the stupid camp that 'just so happened' to be on the outskirts of the forest. Yeah, nice and convenient just in case you needed to stock up on emergency… phoenix downs and whatnot. No food though. And I don't even remember what exactly I did to get the harp. Actually, I think I found it on accident. It happens all the time. And then the power goes out before you save your game, so you have no earthly idea what the fuck you just did…
Understand? Hm? Just go buy the damn game and play it yourself.
Right, Sephiroth was walking through said forest, but he's not lost. Because right after the chibis killed Cloud… he went straight to the Blonde Bishie's apartment and stole all of his key items; including the harp and the dress and the blonde wig.
Don't ask. Just go buy the game.
Sephiroth felt that something was wrong… he stopped, looked around, then looked at his hands. Strange… he didn't remember drawing Masamune… and –ack! - It was shoved through the nub of his hand!
Sephiroth fell to his knees in silent agony and he held up his bloody hand-nub.
Twitching wildly, he realized that his shrieks of agony weren't making a sound. Confused, he looked around him and finally saw that to his horror, he was back there! In that evil game… Insert dramatic pause here FINAL FANTASY VII!!!!
"Oh, man I'm freaking out!" He found himself saying, or rather thinking; since being back in '97 means no voice-overs! And the thought bubble with the corresponding words floated over his head.
"Gah… this is so annoying…" he thought. And the thought bubble went: G-A-H… T-H-I-S…" in extremely slow text.
His newfound anger caused him to swing wildly at the stupid thought bubble. He hit it and it sank to the ground. He then continued to beat it with his bloody nub-sword.
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" He thought at it with fierce intensity. But just as this thought bubble was dissolving… another took its place directly above his head.
D-I-E! D-I-E! D-I-E! D-I-E!...
"Aaarrgghhh…!" He thought. But before he could have certain revenge on the second stupid though bubble… he looked down and noticed his oh-so-fashionable shirtless robe thing that always flowed even when there wasn't any wind was now… a unmovable dress looking thing.
"No! Not this damn thing again…" he thought angrily.
N-O! N-O-T T-H-I-S…
"SHIT!! THAT IS SO DAMN ANNOYING!!!" He thought so hard that he thought his brain might explode.
Just then, some happy little girl object just kinda was in the woods. She looked like some cheap knock-off of little red Riding Hood. She was all: "Do you know where Mt. Nibel is?" only it came out as a thought bubble.
So if you'd been in Seph's shoes… all you would've seen was a blocky I-think-it's-a-woman-bleeding-from-the-back-of-her-head-and-spilling-down-her-back object of some sort. And it just stood in front of him blinking those unnaturally purple eyes of hers…
Blink blink blink blink. Blinky blink blink blink blinkitty blink blink
"What the crap?!" Sephiroth thought.
W-H-A-T T-H-E…
She motioned her nub upward towards her own thought bubble.
"Yeah… just go that way and you'll see the remains of a burnt down town… we'll I'm not really sure if it's actually still in charred ruins…"
But Seph stopped right there because when he had motioned his nub in the direction of the Mountain—right behind the girl—he had forgotten the inconvenience of the nub-sword.
And her block head was sent rolling on the ground.
"Damn…"
D-A-M-N…
Yes, we shall now return to Riku, who, if you recall, had just succeeded in taking possession of the shiny—I mean Keyblade for a second time! Go him! If he weren't so easily distracted he would stop to jig. But we'll just have to settle for a mental jig instead.
Little did Riku know… he was being followed by the Turtle-Riding Duck. They were able to keep up with him only because he kept stopping to point at random things.
Lucky them.
All of a sudden, Riku went into ninja mode. He was all "-Le Gasp!- Someone is following me! I should be all oblivious-like and pretend that I don't notice their presence! Haha, then I'll surprise them when I say: 'hey, you! Quit with the following and stuffs.' That'll be great!"
And Riku cackled to himself in a semi-evil-ish way. A small big-headed-not-Kairi girl walked up to him and said, "Gee golly gee, Mister Riku, you sure are good at this kind of stuff! –Drool drool-"
And he replied to her, "Of course I am small big-headed-not-Kairi girl…"
"Um… I'm Haley," she interrupted.
"…I finished school." Riku continued, ignoring her statement.
And she replied, "Wait, Mister Riku, aren't you only in you're sophomore year in high school?"
And Riku replied, "Haha, aren't you cute? Now, run along before you get hurt."
But the small big-headed-not-Kairi girl just stood there with her finger in her mouth and blinked at him.
"Seriously, leave ye little hellion." Riku chuckled.
"Will I ever see you again, Mister Riku?" She asked as her eyes welled with tears.
"Haha, oh sweet little-" Riku began.
"Haley." She offered.
"Whatever. Probably not. But don't fret for I shall give you a reminder of your lesson learned here today." With that Riku bent down to bestow upon her a sticker. It read: 'Skool is kool. Don't be a fool. And never, ever play with power tools."
The girl looked back up to thank Riku, but he was gone.
MEANWHILE!!
The Turtle-Riding Duck, whom I shall call Dio-Chan was just now catching up to Riku in one of his fits of forgetfulness. "Why is he talking to himself…?" Dio-Chan wondered.
He inched to Riku's leg and jabbed at it with a twig.
"Hey, Riku! Please! Will you listen to me?"
"Hey, it's you…" he said as he bent down, "…who are you, again?"
"I'm-"
"Hey! I remember you! You're that duck!" Riku exclaimed, stating the very obvious.
"Yes, and I have something important to tell you."
"I know, but first, I have a question for you." Riku said seriously.
"Oh, wise Riku!" Dio-Chan said and he bowed his feathered head. "I am humbled to answer!"
"Ok. Good, now…" Riku began.
"Yes?"
"I just wanna know…"
"Yes…" The Duck said becoming slightly annoyed.
"I really, really, really wanna know…" Riku said drawing out his question as long as possible.
"Uh-huh?"
"Do ducks…"
"Hmmm…?" Dio-Chan was beginning to fume.
"Do ducks have… thumbs?"
"Wha?" Dio-Chan said, reminiscent of Sora.
"Thumbs. Y'know to hold on to the turtle that you're riding."
"Riku… I told you I've wings, see?" The Duck said holding up his right wing.
"Oh…! But… doesn't that mean you can fly?" Riku asked.
"Well… I suppose it does…"
"Wouldn't flying be easier and faster than riding a turtle?" Riku inquired thoughtfully.
Hmm… I suppose it would…" Dio-Chan said rubbing his non-existent chin thoughtfully. "Thank you, Wise Riku! My parental units were right in saying I should seek your help!" He said as he bowed his feathered head once more.
He waddled over to the turtle.
"Well, Nadine… I suppose this is good-bye…"
The turtle stared blankly with a stupid smile across its face.
"Please don't be that way Nadine! You belong in the wild! You deserve to be free!" The Duck threw himself at Nadine's feet… er, paws… er, whatever you call them.
The turtle still stared blankly with a stupid smile across its face.
"Why, Nadine!? Why do you have to make this so hard for me?!" Dio-Chan screamed hysterically.
The turtle blinked.
"I see… So what you're telling me is… that I shouldn't try so hard to say good-bye… that I should just let go and remember you in my heart and spirit?"
The turtle nodded slowly.
"Okay, Nadine. I understand now." Dio-Chan said, rising to his… feet.
The turtle turned away very slowly and proceed to walk away.
Riku, who had, until just a few seconds ago, been busy staring down rabbits, noticed the turtle turning away.
"Hey, you know what would be fun…?" he said as he picked up the turtle. He threw it and yelled "Turtle toss! Ten points! And the crowd goes wild!!"
The turtle bellowed, "Remember Naaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooouuuuuu!!!" as it flew towards the fiery horizon and burned in the sun.
Just who is this Narou? We shall find out next chapter.
-Evil cackle-
Ansem, shut up!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Yeah! I got another chapter done, man! Go me.
1 In case you don't know, Tetsuya Nomura is the character designer for Square-Enix™ and he designed all of the Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts characters.
2 And surprisingly a lot of people have no idea who Billy Zane is. He's the actor who did Ansem's voice-over in the first Kingdom Hearts. He's played in Titanic, Sole Survivor Part One and Two, The Phantom, and Survival Island.
3 Aztec's Revenge is a nice way of saying diarrhea. Did I just say diarrhea? Oh, shnap!
By the way… does anyone actually know what a turtle's foot is called? Let me know if you do.