Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 7, the Lord of the Rings, Lego blocks, and all their associated characters, locations, etc… are property of their respective owners. The demented mind of tfa1, however, is my property.

Author's Note: Those who didn't know I was crazy before will know so now.

The One Wing to Rule Them All
By tfa1

Dear readers,

By now you will have already heard the tale of the One Wing, and how our greatest hero, the Dark Lord Sephiron, summoned his great army and attempted to destroy our world. You will also have heard of Bugendalf the Blue, the vile villain who, while he lived, attempted to keep the One Wing away from our Dark Hero and save us all, but in doing so he nearly destroyed us. It was by his own villainy that he was transformed into that most disgusting creature, the Witch King, whose name alone is blatantly idiotic.

Regardless, countless scholars have worked tirelessly for many milliseconds recording everything they possibly can about the villainous Bugendalf. And so it is with great joy and disdain that we present to you this rare archaeological find: an entry from Bugendalf's journal, written during his stay at Moronton, the capital city of the Iddiot nation. I caution you greatly, for following this letter you will find the words of He Who Must Not Be Named; the great beast, Bugendalf.

Acrobat-in-Training
Legovince the Lego Elf

Contained herein is an Excerpt from the Journal of Bugendalf the Blue:
Entry: A Day in Moronton

Dear Diary… I mean, Memoir,

I am writing to you from a very close location: you're location, in fact! Today I find myself in Moronton, and I can feel the brilliance of my brilliant mind leaking out with each passing day. This land is a vortex of complete stupidity – I do not know how long I will last in this senseless land.

Anyways, in my brilliance, I have devised a most excellent method for writing entries from now on. To save space, I have endeavoured to replace long, repeated sentences, with much shorter, more sensibler, phrases. In a few cases I have also replaced words that were said with what should have been said. These Iddiots do not know how to speak goodly.

Listed below are the phrases I've used, followed by the sentences they represent. All entries within my writing will be found in bold if I have replaced the original with something else. For example, if I wanted to replace "Cloudo is very smart" with "What a fool," then instead of writing "That's very interesting. Cloudo is very smart," I shall write "That's very interesting. What a fool!" Needless to say, it isn't hard to understand.

Hey, Baby means "Greetings, Tifawise. It is good to see you again."
BuBuBuBuBu means "Bugendalf! Bugendalf! Bugendalf! Bugendalf! Bugendalf!" (Cloudo has an annoying habit of repeating my name like this whenever he gets excited)
Shut up, you vile toad means "Yes, yes; that's wonderful, Cloudo. That's positively wonderful."
Yes, to Poledor means "Yes, Tifawise. You and Cloudo must make your way to Poledor, and cast the One Wing into the Lifestream of Mount Crater."
Ha hah, stupid! mean "Oh dear; Cloudo has hurt his head again."
You girl, get ice!! means "Tifawise, please get some ice for Cloudo's aching head."
Butt means "Father" (used only in reference to Cloudo's father Bobo, son of Dodo)
Screw you all! Ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah!!! means "Farewell, fair Iddiots! Until we meet again!"

And now we may begin…

By now you will have already heard of the War of the One Wing and of my inevitable victory over the Dark Lord Sephiron. And thus, it only makes sense that you would know who I am to. Knowing that, allow me to introduce myself: I am Bugendalf the Blue, greatest wizard of them all, whose name alone strikes fear into the hearts of my enemies and rolls off the tongue like a mountain off a boulder, or something to that effect.

But doubtless you haven't heard about how it all began? How did I, the great Bugendalf, start on the journey that would see me crowned greatest hero of Planet Earth and King of all Chocoban? It all started here, in Moronton, home of the Iddiots.

If there is one thing more common than common sense, it is complete and utter stupidity. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you are bound to run into an Iddiot sooner or later, because their stupidity makes them immune to all matters of the mind, especially navigation. They have wound up at all four corners of the globe simply because they didn't know how the hell to find where they were going. Why, then, do I call Moronton the home of the Iddiots?

This is the birthplace of stupidity, a swirling vortex of nothingness that absorbs mind power and converts it into what seems to be an endless swarm of Iddiot children. I knew coming here would be a mind-numbing thing to do, but this is where I found the One Wing. And here the barkeepers are so stupid you can convince them that all booze is on the house. Oh, don't get me wrong, they're too stupid to make good beer, so don't come here just for that. (Note to self: I lied. Ha hah! More for me!)

Upon my arrival I was reunited with the most contemptuously stupid Iddiot the world has ever known: Cloudo Striffins, son of Butt.

Moving on, I said hello, as is customary. I graciously hugged him, resisting the urge to rip my own face in two with… errrr… with a smile of joy. "It is good to see you, Cloudo."

"BuBuBuBuBu!" Cloudo cried out. "BuBuBuBuBu! I told them you'd come, but they didn't believe me. I sure proved them wrong, didn't I, Bugendalf? Are you going to show us some fireworks, Bugendalf?"

Hearing the Iddiot say those words made me want to smack his puny little brains out… and by that I mean he brought great joy to my heart. He was truly happy to see me. I managed to let out a grunt that didn't come off as too annoyed. Cloudo was too stupid to have known I hated him anyways. "I apologize, Cloudo. I'm afraid I can't show you fireworks today. I have a busy schedule to keep."

"BuBuBuBuBu! Come, come! I have to show my Butt! I have to show my Butt! Finally, I was right and he was wrong, Bugendalf! BuBuBuBuBu! I was right, Bugendalf! Maybe he'll let you keep your busy schedule in his safety deposit box!"

"Shut up, you vile toad," I replied lovingly, "But, there really are more important matters at hand. Remember that wing you found lying in the garden?" Before I could garner an answer from him the little worm had gone into an all-out sprint for the door of his house. I followed him, most joyously aggravated.

At last we arrived at his house: a hole dug in the ground with a circular door (I told you they were stupid). There, looking most comfortable, was Cloudo's Butt seated in his usual chair. Cloudo hopped over and began running his fingers through his Butt's hair. "Look, my Butt, it's Bugendalf! BuBuBuBuBu! I told you he'd come!"

"Cloudo, I really must be leaving…," I said to him; my pleas falling on deaf ears. "The One Wing of Sephiron must be destroyed!"

Just then Cloudo's good friend and gardener, Tifawise Locky the village celebrity, sprung up from behind the window. If you knew Tifawise, you'd know why she was the village celebrity. For those not in the know, let's just say that she had a couple of (as in two) very good reasons. "Hey, Baby," I greeted."

"Are we going on a trip, Bugendalf?" she asked.

"Yes, to Poledor. I will not be able to come with you, as I'm very busy, but I have arranged for numerous companions to join you on your journey."

"Will you coming with us, Bugendalf?" Cloudo asked, still caressing his Butt.

"No, I'm very busy, Cloudo. I must speak with the head of my council, Shinraman, and ask what he knows of this." As Cloudo's Butt turned in his seat to look at me as I spoke, Cloudo's fingers got tangled in his hair and the idiotic Iddiot fell and hurt his head. "Ha hah, stupid!" I yelled. "You girl, get ice!!"

"Oh no, Cloudo!" Tifawise called out. "Is he hurt?"

"Yes! Didn't you hear me when I said 'Ha hah, stupid!'? Now, you girl, get ice!!"

"Maybe I should get some ice!"

If I didn't admire Tifawise's gifted celebrity status so much, I would have knocked some sense into the Iddiot; physically. Now, please don't misunderstand! It's not that I enjoy hurting people! I assure you I am a fully respectable citizen of Planet Earth. Sure, there may have been a few firecrackers paired with squirrel rectums, but I'm really a nice guy. Hmmm… that reminds me. (Note to self: Get my Dark Lord mask polished. It's for role-play, honest!)

Moving on, Tifawise soon returned carrying a Popsicle. "You girl, get ice," I repeated, "That is a Popsicle!"

"But this is cold! Ice is cold, right?"

I shook my head in shame, not realizing that Tifawise would interpret that movement to mean that ice isn't cold. She came back, brandishing one of the ABC blocks babies play with. "That's… not… ice…" I said, stating what was, to me, perfectly obvious.

"Oh… right…"

Already I began to experience the mind-numbing sensation associated with life in Moronton, and decided it was time to leave. Allowing Cloudo to kiss his Butt one last time, I kidnapped the both of them and fled towards Flee, the town where fleers flee to find refuge. I had arranged for the queen of Cetrador to come pick up the Iddiots there while I moved on to more important matters.

But, I did not leave without saying goodbye, as it would have been rude to do so. "Screw you all! Ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs to Cloudo's Iddiot town.

And that is how our journey began.