Spanish Mammoth
One week has passed since Jon Snow used his two-hander sword to execute the disgraceful Janos Slynt in an act to legitimize his authority over the rest of the Night's Watch. Food was scarce and morale was low despite the inspirational leadership of both Snow and Stannis, as provisions were allocated to feed not only the Watch and Stannis' host, but also the defeated Wildling army. This trouble hastened Stannis' decision to march his knights from the Castle and and set them upon Winterfell. The Wildling question violently begged the ruler and Snow to give their answer.
Jon Snow stood out in front of the prisoners held by Stannis' men. He knew that Stannis would surely execute them all, and this did not sit well with his heavy conscience. Jon inherited this trait from his father. Indeed, Ned, despite ruling over a barren, icy wasteland where agriculture was scarce and had been subject to a climactic war not 20 years ago, relentlessly stormed around enforcing his egalitarian morality on his feudal subjects, be they house maids or forest savages. Jon called out them, "Now each of you must be patient and wait. Nobody kills anybody. Those who want to be mean don't get my food and each of the wildlings must be fed heartily until they be granted asylum in one of the southern cities." The wildlings took heart and cheered at this development: they had finally been given the welfare that they were denied their entire lives, but they all knew deep in their feelings that they deserved every handout Jon had offered. The army scowled at the boy commander and left the attendance of the savages, returning to their camps in disgust.
Later on, feeling righteous that he had achieved social justice, Jon finally felt stress-free for a night. He lounged that night in his quarters; despite his solitude, he was happy. He felt the warmth and plushyness of his bed and allowed himself to sink in for a well-deserved rest. The warmness intensified for Jon as he let the wine slip down his throat. In his half-sleep, Jon felt an unfamiliar, fiery bliss...
Morning came and Jon awoke. But to his dismay, he felt strangely fleshy. He was in the nude, and, to his horror, a feminine figure laid next to him. He recoiled as his wits came to him and he noticed who it was. Melisandre! A shrieked, squeaky gasp burst from his throat as he saw the red woman's eyes open. A sudden animation sprang about her, as prey awaking in the night to the presence of a nocturnal predator. She fled the room with a scream like that of a stag calling out to warn its fellows of danger. Jon, unthinking, went after her in a flurry. Naked the two ran from the room out into the hallway. This chase was quickly abated when stood a patriarchal wall before them.
Stannis. Jon's brown eyes grew wide with fright at the sudden wrath manifest before him. He was speechless: the worst state he could have as the furious countenance of Stannis demanded an explanation for this travesty. The snake of a woman moaned, "M-m'lord! H-he he raped me!" Stannis brandished his huge mallet, labeled "Mannis" by the text engraved upon it, which towered as large as the Mountain. He heaved back and before the sheer might could be gauged by either the woman or boy, he struck. Stannis bopped Jon on the head and his nude body fell stiff on the cold floor.
That night, every wildling and member of the Watch was burned at the stake, for it was Stannis' will. Stannis' army then left Castle Black to Winterfell and laid siege to the city. The Boltons sent word to their few allies for reinforcements. After a few days of no action, Ramsay went out front of the city half-naked with duel knives and killed two veteran mounted knights wearing plate armor with only one quick stab each. He challenged Stannis to a duel, which was accepted. Stannis jumped up with his mallet and bopped Ramsay on the head and then smashed his body into a thin red mist leaving only the shoes of the former boi bolton. Then, the garrison surrendered, all of whom were burned alive save for Roose. Stannis castrated Roose and took all the stone masons in the North back up to Castle Black. He ordered them to seal up the tunnel. It was grueling work, and Stannis had their feet chopped off so they wouldn't run away. After they were done Stannis bopped them all on the head so that they may never build a castle to challenge Stannis again. Ilyn Payne sneaks into Winterfell and rapes and murders Sansa, bye bye! (this will be a funny moment, play circus music).
In the next scene, Stannis travels around the Westeros countryside bopping all useless side characters on the head. This will be funny as Stannis will use various hilarious methods to trick these characters to come into his house alone, where he will bop them on the head. These methods will be related directly or indirectly to memes found on reddit. In the show, this will be shown in montage format with all sorts of cheerful and funny music in the background. Stannis will them travel to Essos on a brief weekend vacation, where he will bop some more meaningless fluff characters on the head with a funny remix of the game of thrones theme song playing in the background. These events will all be very funny and meant to appeal to Game of Thrones' immature, reddit-using audience. To satisfy HBO, Sam will accompany Stannis on his journeys and have sex with various female characters. Olyvar will be shown having sex with male characters.