SIDE A
Track 2: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
Track 3: Souvenir - Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
After our unexpected reunion, I had felt on edge all day, and couldn't wait to get home for a nice bottle of Shiraz. I really didn't know what to think; should I talk to her, tell her there's no hard feelings? Or should I avoid her, try my best to keep away and allow Hanssen and Ric to deal with all administrative duties regarding her. Or should I approach her as I would any new consultant? Befriend her, make her welcome, start entirely anew? Was that even possible, after everything?
Finally at home, and glad that Robbie was working tonight so I that had the house to myself, I settled down on the settee with a freshly opened bottle, allowing it to breathe for a while whilst I tucked into the curry I had picked up on my way back. My mind was in turmoil, racing back and forth between desperation for us to be close again and resentment of her for the pain she caused me. Had she felt similar pain at our separation? Or did she not care, as had been seemingly apparent by her actions? I couldn't think straight, and my heart pounded with the knowledge that I would soon bump into her again, and be faced with my feelings. How could I possibly cope with that?
But then I felt the light, fruity Shiraz against my lips, and knew in my heart that I could not for a moment bear us not becoming friends again, and so that was what I resolved to do. She would be my friend, and my friend only.
And looking wistfully back, I started to wonder whether that should have been my resolve all along.
As I got up to go and put my empty plate in the dishwasher, my glance fell upon the cassette player on the sideboard, and my heart twisted with memories of all those years ago, of our last ever meeting.
In that second I made a decision, and there was no coming back from it. After setting the dishwasher I quickly dashed upstairs, to the back bedroom full of old junk from when I had first moved in, and still hadn't gotten around to putting in the loft. I sifted through the various boxes, sneezing with all the dust, until I found the one full of all my old cassettes.
There were almost too many to count, and a fair few that I should care to throw out, such was the embarrassment of having owned them. There was at least three Duran Duran albums, as well as The Osmonds and Bay City Rollers, all of which made me cringe inwardly. But the one I was looking for was hidden below all the rest, in an attempt to stop my heart breaking every time I glanced upon it.
'Our Songs'
To keep you going 'til we're together again!
With love,
Bernie xxxx
16.9.83
I took a deep breath, my eyes losing focus as I stared at the plastic cassette in my hands. All the laughs, the love, the tears, we're all contained on this very tape, and once I unleashed them, I was unsure whether I would be able to put myself back together again.
Back downstairs, I picked up another bottle of Shiraz from the kitchen top, anticipating not moving from the settee again for a while, and brought it back with me through to the lounge.
The tape was still in the same place that I had left it, listening for the last time all those years ago, when I had realised that she wasn't coming back, so I grabbed myself a blanket from the airing cupboard whilst it rewound, before getting comfortable on the sofa and hitting play.
The first, distinctive tones of 'In The Mood' filled the room, and I closed my eyes against it, picturing perfectly our first dance, and allowing myself for the first time in years to feel myself missing her, craving her. And to feel how much it hurt.
Then the next song came on, again throwing me back into a memory, the memory of our very first night at the Starlight club. The first of many...
::
When I first set foot inside, I was alarmed by the sheer amount of people packed into one space, all swaying away to the music that filled my ears almost deafeningly. There were tables littered around the edges of the room. I went and sat at one of them whilst she went to the bar and ordered a bottle of Shiraz between us, returning balancing it under one arm with the two empty glasses in one hand and two whiskey shots in the other.
"Oh, my," I said as she sat down, eyeing the quantity of alcohol she held. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"
"Whatever makes you think that?" She replied sarcastically, smiling as she shrugged off her coat and hung it on the back of her seat. She picked up a shot, and I did the same. "Cheers."
The night sped up after that, yet seemed to slow at the same time, becoming more and more sluggish with each glass. I could have stayed there forever. She was so captivating that I couldn't tear my eyes away from her, my heartbeat never slowing for the duration of the night.
We were on our second bottle of Shiraz, both of us feeling slightly unsteady on our stools, when she pulled out a small packet of cigarettes from her handbag, expertly lifting it up to her mouth and pulling one out with her lips before offering it towards me.
"No, thank you," I said, waving it away. "I don't smoke. I wouldn't have thought you would either, with all that sport."
She looked up at me fondly, as if I had said something endearing. "It goes ever so nicely with a good glass of Shiraz, though." She grinned, lifting the lighter up to her lips before taking a long drag, and I struggled not to gape as I watched the way in which her lips hugged the tip, and how deliciously soft and sweet they looked.
"Oh I love this song!" She exclaimed suddenly, the sound of The Rolling Stones' 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction' beginning to fill the room. Before I had time to admit that I had never heard the song before, hadn't really heard much of the songs that had been playing, she had grabbed my arm and we were in the centre of the dancefloor.
She twirled around in front of me, arms lifted high about her head and eyes closed in ecstasy, and I was lost, completely lost in her. I was stood there gormlessly, staring at her with more adoration than I felt possible. She looked utterly enchanting, and my heart hammered with what I believed to be friendly awe and admiration. Anything but attraction.
Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to start dancing with her, moving in time with the music and smiling fondly as she belted out the lyrics whilst she swayed. She looked so happy, so content, so beautiful; it's an image I'll never forget, that I'll never want to forget.
We never sat down for the rest of the night, only leaving the dancefloor for another round of shots or to quickly gulp down the rest of our Shiraz. It was always hot in the Starlight club, almost suffocatingly so with the volume of bodies packed closely around us, but still we never stopped. The crowd pushed us together, causing us to end up elbowing each other often and standing on each other's feet, which usually ended in us clinging to each other in fits of laughter. I loved these moments, the intimacy of being pressed together in such an energetic and carefree environment, neither of us caring if we were just that little bit too close, because so was everyone else. But the way in which she held my waist as we danced, me with my arms around her shoulders, spinning and twisting about with the beat, was different to that of all the other 'friends' who danced around us. We were in our own little bubble, always, as though no one but us were in the room, no one but us even existed. And when she gazed into my eyes, I saw a flicker of something there which made my heart stop; the pure, undeniable admiration and affection which mirrored my own, accompanied by a slight flicker of worry which I decided not to think about, such was my ignorance to what it truly was that we both were feeling.
The night seemed to go all too fleetingly, whilst at the same time feeling as though I had been there forever, and so when the DJ announced the last dance, and the room began to slow down, I felt almost tearful that it was ending.
It's my direction
It's my proposal
It's so hard
It's leading me astray
Our eyes never strayed from one another as we gently swayed from side to side in sync with the music. My heart, thumping in my chest like I had never known before, felt heavy and aching, and I knew that I longed for something, but was as of yet unsure just what it was. All I knew was that I wanted it more than anything, and I felt immediately like I was doing something wrong, like I had crossed a threshold from which I could never return. Leading me astray.
All I need is
Co-ordination
I can't imagine
My destination
My intention
Ask my opinion
But no excuse
My feelings still remain
Her hands felt burning around my waist, and I could feel every point at which our bodies collided like a scold. This sensation, this hyperawareness was almost exhausting as my mind frantically searched for some relief for the unrest I was feeling. But all I could see was her beauty, and her kindness, and how much I wished for us to be the best of friends. Forever.
And then the lights turned on, and the crowd dissipated, leaving us to do the same. By this point, walking in a straight line was something unknown to us, and we linked arms for fear that one of us would fall over. I wanted to hug her, wrap my arms around her, feel enveloped by her, but even in my drunken state I could not bring myself to, feeling too out of control to risk embarrassing myself in front of her.
We caught the 3:30am night bus back to the small neighbourhood in which we both lived, just a street apart. The journey was fairly long, around forty-five minutes, and at some point she had come to rest her head on my shoulder, lightly dozing as we both were overcome with fatigue from our late night and the depleting levels of alcohol in our system.
I turned my head slightly, my nose buried in her soft, blonde, wavy hair and inhaling the sweet scent of apples and watermelon which rested there, accompanied by a faint whiff of tobacco, her hair slightly damp against my nose from the perspiration of all that dancing. Unconsciously, I brushed my lips against her forehead, closing my eyes against the sensation, savouring it. I still felt slightly dizzy from all the wine, and my actions were so natural, so unthinking, that it made it seem almost like I was purely a spectator in all of this, like it wasn't really me who had initiated this contact, who had longed to savour her like this for most of the night, without even realising it.
But I was snapped back to reality as she lifted her head, slowly looking up at me with bleary eyes which hid a thousand thoughts and desires, and I longed to know all of them. As her eyes focused on mine, I saw a faint look of trouble in her face, as though she were wrestling with some inner dilemma which she would almost certainly be losing sleep over. My mouth watered as she stared, unable to keep my eyes away from her smooth, red lips, and feeling gravity drag me towards them, my heart feeling almost as though it would burst.
And then the bus ground to a halt, and all contact was lost as we stepped shakily off the bus and began to walk steadily down to our conjoining streets. We were silent for the duration, both lost in our thoughts, in our worries. What was going on? Why did I feel like this? It was all wrong.
"I had a really good time tonight," she said tentatively as we reached the point at which we were to go our separate ways. "We'll have to do it again, sometime."
"Yes, it was wonderful," I replied, a faint smile on my lips, feeling my chest swell with contentment, and relief that I hadn't scared her away.
"Next Saturday?" Her voice was unsure, as if she was afraid of my rejection, but I didn't even have to think twice.
"Yes," I said, almost too eagerly. "I'll look forward to it."
She grinned at me. "Right," she nodded, standing up a little straighter and reaching out to give my arm a friendly squeeze. "I'll see you then, then. Goodnight."
And faster than I knew what was happening, she had placed a gentle peck on my cheek, and made her way off into the darkness, towards her own home.
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