Friday morning was going as expected, and then, naturally, my iPod quit working. I looked at it for nearly twenty minutes, until I couldn't deny that I was going to be late for class anymore. It was locked up in a weird why that made it think all the songs were still there, but when I went to play something, there was nothing on it. I had no choice but to leave it at home. I thought about wearing the earbuds anyway, but I hated this little pretense for some reason.

I was late, and whoever I had for whatever subject I had first period complained. I didn't care enough to pay attention.

The rest of the day went smoothly, as expected, until lunch. It was pouring rain, which wouldn't have been a problem had I brought my rain jacket. In my haste after trying to fix my iPod, I had forgotten it. As it was, there was only one place I could go to eat where I wouldn't get soaked.

I walked into the cafeteria, and I got the impression that more than one group of students stopped talking as I did. I didn't look up, look where I was really going, so it took several passes looking only at the floor in front of me before I actually found an empty table. I sat and began eating.

"Hey."

I looked up. Briefly.

Jesse and Angelo were sitting across from me. Jesse looked somewhat annoyed, as though he really didn't want to be here. Angelo looked rather indifferent, an entire lack of expectation on his face.

They sat and didn't speak to me at all. They chatted once in a while but made no real effort to maintain an in-depth conversation. They just were present and spent time sitting with me. I didn't say a single word to them.

The bell was about to ring when Jesse finally addressed me again.

"Hey," he said. "Ben? Dude? Hey!"

I finally looked at him. He was looking at Angelo like he was an idiot. Angelo was looking back with a quiet persistence. Jesse looked back.

"We're going to the movies tonight," he said. "Some brainless zombie movie. Want to go?"

I blinked at him but said nothing.

He turned, rolling his eyes, dismissive.

"You don't have to say or do anything," said Angelo. "Look, just... come. Sit in the back seat, be silent, we'll buy your ticket, get you popcorn, whatever. You don't have to do anything. Just come with us."

There was a long moment. Jesse looked at him but kept his mouth shut.

"You're missed," said Angelo.

I sat there another long moment. The bell rang. I kept staring. They got up, started to go to class.

"I'm not making any promises," I said.

Angelo tried not to look hopeful.

"We're not asking you to," he said.

I looked at the wall.

"I don't work tonight," I said, estimating. "I will be ready to go by six."

"Okay," said Angelo. "Okay. We'll see you then."

The rest of the day was as it should be. The rain had broken by last period, and I really didn't have that much homework. By the time I got home, I was regretting my decision.

I worked out for a half hour, then tried to do some homework. It wasn't working. I worked out some more, then tried again. It still wasn't working. But the time 5:30 rolled around, I was ready to call and cancel. I was about to track down my phone when I thought about it.

I knew why I hated the idea of going. For one, I wouldn't be in my routine. I wouldn't be in control of what I did, what I might have to say or do. When I was out of my routine, things had a tendency of hurting. Badly. And two, I couldn't have a life. I knew what having a life looked like, and it wasn't possible for me. Inevitably, trying to have one would just prove just how impossible that was. I really could go without having my messed up existence shoved in my face.

But I also knew this. No matter what, every distraction I set for myself had a shelf-life. After a while, I would need new songs, new exercises, new routines. I couldn't avoid change. Maybe this would be a much better distraction.

I showered, for something to do mostly, and grabbed the clothes off my Saturday hanger. Wearing the same outfit for a night and a day didn't bother me any. How was I trying to impress?

I grabbed my wallet and my keys and walked out the door, meeting them at the curb.

"Hey," said Angelo. Jesse said nothing.

"So," said Angelo as we pulled out, turned towards Jesse in the driver's seat. "What's up with you and Mickie, anyway?"

"What do you mean what's up with Mickie?" Jesse asked. "You know what's up."

"I know what you say when we're at school," Angelo pointed out. "I know what you say when it might get back to her. You say you're just friends. But she's cutting her hair differently. She's wearing look-at-me outfits. And so far, she hasn't talked to any guys outside our group."

"What?" Jesse said. "You think she's still all into me? We broke up before Senior year even started. There's no way she's still into me."

"If you say so," said Angelo.

"If you two are going to talk girls all night, you can let me off here," I said flatly.

"It speaks!" laughed Jesse.

I frowned.

"Not all night," assured Angelo.

I didn't feel assured.

"So, what's up with Lauren?" asked Jesse.

"What do you mean?" asked Angelo.

"He has been walking around school like he owns the place," said Jesse.

"Oh that," said Angelo.

"That what?" asked Jesse.

"There is a rumor going around that he had... relations with one of the more attractive girls on the reservation," Angelo replied.

"Who?" I asked. Why did I ask?

Angelo shrugged, "I really have no idea. I didn't bother paying attention to the details."

If anyone else had said that to me, I would have called them a self-involved liar. Not Angelo though. He was a decent guy, to be sure.

"I bet if you were to ask him, it was two girls," said Jesse. "At the same time. One was from out of town though, and the other has a boyfriend, so she wasn't to keep it on the down low. But really, she needed dat D."

"Dude," said Angelo. "You're entitled to do whatever, but seriously, you soundly like a complete ass."

"The good boy thing didn't work out," said Jesse. "I thought I'd try it the other way for a while."

"You're interested in girls who want to be treated like crap?" I asked.

"You're one to talk," he muttered.

I was instantly prepared to bite his face off.

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" I asked heatedly.

"Nothing," said Angelo, defusing. "It doesn't mean anything."

"I think it does," I said. "I think if it didn't mean anything then Jesse wouldn't have said anything."

"You don't get to judge me on how I choose to date women," he bit back.

"I asked you a simple question," I snapped in return.

"In the judge-y-est way possible!" said Jesse loudly.

"I can't control whether or not you feel judged," I pointed out.

"But you can avoid being an ass!" shouted Jesse.

He was right. I didn't have to like it.

"Yeah," I said. "And so can you."

Jesse pulled over, putting on his blinker to turn around.

"Jesse," cajoled Angelo.

"No!" he said. "No! I'm done. I told you, this wasn't going to work. He's not interested in being our friend anymore."

"You're right," I said. "I'm not."

"You see!" Jesse said, jerking in his seat. "He isn't even trying to deny it. He went big leagues and now he's too good for us."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, completely lost.

"Don't do it," said Angelo warningly.

He pulled over completely, "You got dumped. Boo freaking hoo! You aren't too good to get exed."

I tried to get out of the car. It was hard to do so in the two door, but I still tried to force my way out. It shook the smaller car roughly, and after a moment, Jesse got the hint and tried to move.

"No," said Angelo.

I kept going, and we made it out of the car at the same time.

"No!" said Angelo loudly. "Ben, come back."

"You can go straight to hell," I said, "the both of you! I didn't ask for this! I don't want this! Any of it!"

"We know that," said Angelo.

"Could have fooled me!" I said harshly.

"Look!" said Angelo loudly, louder than I had ever heard him talk, loud enough to shut me up, at least for the moment.

He looked exhausted, "Ben, I'm not going to pretend I get what happened or even know what happened, because I don't. I have no idea what you felt or are feeling. I only know one thing. We lost a friend, man. We were friends, then you disappeared, and when you came back, we weren't friends anymore. It's been a long time since whatever happened happened, and you haven't made one single effort. To some people, that would be hard not to take personally."

I was an ass. The ass-y-est ass in Assville.

"Look," said Angelo, quieter, "we just want our friend back. If you don't want that too, that cool. I can't say I'm happy about it, but dude, it's your rodeo. Can you say that much at least? What do you want?"

What did I want? WHAT DID I WANT?!

I slumped. They didn't deserve this crap. They just didn't. This was my deal, not theirs.

"I can't be friends," I said.

"You don't want to be," said Jesse obstinately.

"It isn't about what I want," I said loudly. "I couldn't if I wanted to, so it is moot, either way."

Jesse shook his head, "It isn't moot to us."

Of course, I wanted to be friends with them.

"It isn't possible," I said. Something in Angelo's posture shifted.

"We can still be friends with you," he said.

"You might be able to," said Jesse with spiteful sarcasm.

"Jesse," said Angelo.

"No," expounded Jesse. "No! I went along and played nice, but in the end, he can't even-"

"No," said Angelo, agreeable. "He can't."

Jesse looked at me, long and hard.

"Agh!" he said, whipping his head around. After a long moment, he said, "Are you coming to the movie or not?"

I got back into the car. I wasn't happy about it, but I did.