Everything I Failed To Be

Chapter Two

When things had changed, she didn't know. They had been happy, the typical American family – a loving marriage, two wonderful children, a beautiful house, good jobs and even a dog. Granted, the beginning of their marriage had been a little rocky, but once they had both found their place in the world and in their relationship, it had worked very well for a long while.

Years ago, Sharon had left her secure, sheltered East Coast home to attend UCLA, where she would first get her college degree and then attend law school. Her parents had encouraged her to explore other options, to not be too focused on law while she still had a chance to rethink her future, but she knew that her father had secretly been overjoyed to know that she had wanted to follow in his footsteps.

Then she had met Jack Raydor, a handsome, charming young man who had also been taking pre-law courses. They had connected instantly, falling head over heels in love with each other before the end of their sophomore year. A year later, they had decided to get married after they graduated. What they had not counted on was the disapproval of their parents.

After a lot of consideration of all possible consequences, they had decided to disregard their parents' negativity. In hindsight it might not have been the smartest thing to do, since they had found themselves without financial support. Looking back, Sharon was certain that, had it been absolutely necessary, their parents would have helped out. They had simply hoped to convince their children that waiting would be the better way to go. Once Sharon and Jack had decided to go through with it, the young couple had been too stubborn and maybe too proud to admit that they might have taken on a little too much or that they might need help.

It had not been easy in the beginning. After college, Jack had gotten into UCLA's law program, and Sharon had decided to join the LAPD to help pay his way through law school. She had feared that it would be just one more choice her parents would disapprove of, but she had been wrong. Her father thought it would be a useful experience for her to see that side of law enforcement before diving into the books again. He believed that the hard work in a difficult, male-dominated environment would make her stronger and teach her skills she would never learn at university, and as far as résumé builders go, that one was hard to top.

Despite the constant struggle to be accepted by her male colleagues, despite the blatant sexism she had been faced with every day, and the many long shifts, she had liked the job. It had given her the feeling of doing something useful, something that helped make the world a little better every day. Had things worked out differently, she might have been quite content doing it for the rest of her life. For a while, it had even looked as if she had to, as it had seemed more and more unlikely that she would get her chance to go to law school herself.

It had been a dark time, when Jack had spent more of his time and their money on drinking and celebrating with his fellow students than studying. When he had stayed out all night and returned in the morning, disheveled and with no recollection of what had happened. He had been too busy enjoying life to think about his responsibilities as a husband or to consider how much his behavior was hurting his wife. Sharon had been resigned to never getting her turn, and for a few short, reckless months, she had even considered leaving him. It had been a time when Jack had been particularly cold and distant towards her. She had felt betrayed, and neglected, and decidedly unloved by her husband, while another man had willingly filled that void, had reminded her what it felt like to be cherished and desired and maybe even loved.

In the end, it was not meant to be. Jack had managed to get a handle on his developing drinking problem, pass the bar and get a job, and she had left the LAPD to study law. Her daughter had been born that year, making it hard for them financially and logistically, but they had been elated. Her little girl had been so very loved, and when Ricky had come along shortly after her graduation, they could not have been happier.

They had shared many good years before things had begun to fall apart once again. It had started with small things she had hardly noticed at first. Sharon had been so busy building her career and taking care of the children that she had not paid attention. In hindsight, she knew that part of the blame for their problems lay with her. She had not been as supportive and as caring a wife and partner as she should have been. At the end of the day, once her work was done and the children's needs seen to, there simply had not been anything left for her to give to him.

Instead of talking to her, instead of trying to find a solution, Jack had turned to the bottle and the cards once again. By the time she had found out, he had been too far gone. Her attempts at fixing it, at getting him back had only achieved the opposite. Resentful of her nagging, Jack had packed his bags and left to seek his happiness and fortune in Las Vegas. He had left her to explain to their daughter that is was not her fault, that her father had not left her because he did not love her, that there were things he needed to do, things he considered more important than his family. At only nine years, Emily had thought her father to be the center of the universe. To learn that he seemed to feel differently about her had been tough. She had been inconsolable and withdrawn for weeks.

Ricky was more of a momma's boy. While he had cried over his dad's disappearance, he had gotten over it a lot faster than his sister. He had been too young to truly understand what it meant that Jack had left them. His mother had told him that daddy had to leave for a while. She had told him that he was loved very much and that everything would be all right, and he had believed her. It had been enough for him. His mommy was there, and that had been all that mattered.

A little over a year later, when his money and his luck had run out, Jack had returned to them, full of regret for what he had put them through and promises to be better. It had taken her a while to forgive him, especially considering the fact that he had taken out a second mortgage on their house without telling her. She had been forced to ask her parents for money in order to be able to hold on to the house. She would be forever grateful to them for helping out and for not telling her that they had warned her against marrying Jack.

They had been lucky that Jack had gotten a good job soon after his return, but it had still taken them years to work their way out of the worst of their debt. Trust had eventually been reestablished between them and they had moved on. Her children had been ecstatic to have their father back in their lives, which, more than anything else, made her willing to let the past go.

As she let the hot water run over her body and take a tiny part of her tension away, thinking over the last few years, Sharon wondered what she had missed this time. If there had been signs that Jack was in trouble, she had not seen them. He had been gone a lot, but his claim that he had been working on several big cases had sounded believable. She had not questioned it even for a moment.

After his last tumble off the wagon, she had vowed to pay more attention, to be more supportive, more of a partner to him. In the end, she supposed that life had happened. She had been swept away by work and motherhood once again, leaving Jack to fend for himself.

A familiar feeling of guilt gnawed at her as she stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a big, soft towel. She should have seen it coming. She should have helped him. In the end, it was futile to wonder what she could have done. Jack was gone once again, and it seemed that this time, instead of a mountain of debt, he had left them with an entirely different set of problems.

Making quick work of her evening routine and slipping into comfortable yoga pants, a t-shirt and her favorite, warm cardigan, Sharon hurried back downstairs to double check that all windows and doors were closed and locked and to talk to her children about their father's latest absence. It was definitely not how she had envisioned her evening.

~TBC~