[Wow, this has been not updated for a while.
I wasn't going to write another chapter honestly, because I didn't want to ruin it, but I went back and re-read chapter 1 and I had to add to it.
So here you go, enjoy!]
"You cannot make someone love you. You can only make yourself someone who can be loved."-Derek Gamba
You open your eyes to the gentle sound of your phone vibrating against the table. It's too far for you to reach, so you decide not to pick up. Just like that.
For maybe the first time in ten years, you don't jump out of bed when the phone rings. Because for the first time, you don't care that it might be a case. All you know is that you want to stay in this moment as long as possible.
If you could stop time, right here and now, you would. You could spend forever with her hair sprawled on your chest, watching the elegant line of her neck as she slept.
For a second, you think this might be a dream – god knows you've dreamed of this before. But then, memories of last night come flooding back to you, and the guilt and shame roll in like the tide.
All of a sudden you want to run away – you want to write a note with a vague apology, leave, and spend the next couple of weeks expertly avoiding her gaze.
But you have to be more of a man than that. You'd taken advantage of her being drunk last night, you have to at least own up to that.
She's still your best friend, she deserves to know that you're sorry.
You hold your breath as you feel her stir. She lets out a groan and opens her eyes just a crack, settling further into the crook of your arm and closing them again.
You're a bit confused – you expected more of a reaction than that. Yet, she's not fully awake yet.
So you wait. You can practically hear her brain working as she tentatively opens her eyes again, this time looking up into your face.
"Oh God.", she mumbles, lifting her head up off your body.
You keep your composure, but you're slightly offended. You know that she doesn't want this, but you hadn't expected that.
But before you have a chance to say anything, she's up and sprinting towards the bathroom, her hand firmly over her mouth.
You're right behind her, catching the door before it slams.
"Em, Emily, what's wrong?", you say, panicked, as she lifts the lid of the toilet up and starts throwing up.
You come up behind her and gather all her hair, holding it back for her and running circles down her back.
A million possibilities of what could be wrong run through your mind, like they always do when it comes to her. You hear the toilet flush and she looks up at you with shining eyes and an apologetic expression.
"Good morning to you too.", you say, smiling, trying to lighten the mood.
She grimaces. "I don't know what that was – sorry you had to see that."
She looks so lost and guilty, it takes all your self control not to wrap her in your arms and hold her, like you had last night. You push those thought out of your head though – you don't need them there, adding to your guilt.
"Hey, no worries Em.", you say, using the familiar nickname, hoping that it might bring some normalcy.
She gets up slowly and leads you out of the bathroom into the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water and rinsing her mouth.
"So.. what exactly brings you here?", she says, cringing again.
What can you say? You can tell her that you had taken complete advantage of her last night, that you knew she was drunk, yet you still let that happen and potentially ruin everything you and her have. And you can tell her that you would do it all over again, just to get that one night; because you're in love with her, you always have been.
But you won't say any of those things, because you're ashamed, and you're terrified. Because a coward is exactly what you've become.
"You didn't seem too surprised.", you say instead, hoping to veer off of the impending topic.
She shrugs, putting her glass in the sink and reaching into her fridge. "Been waking up next to a lot of men lately.", she says, her voice almost disgusted.
"Is that so?", you respond, jokingly, of course, but even you can hear the jealousy in your own voice.
It shouldn't bother you, of all people, that she was sleeping around. But it does – somehow, that little green monster got inside of your head, and it's not leaving anytime soon.
"Coffee?", she says, and you just nod in response.
Part of you desperately wants to act like this is just a regular day. You could do that, couldn't you? Not mention anything to her, not have the conversation you'd been dreading – the one where she rejects you again.
But you know it's inevitable. You never wanted things to be awkward, and that's exactly how they were going to turn out if you didn't talk about this.
"Here – black, two sugars.", she says a couple minutes later and places the cup in front of you with a smile on her face. God, you love her smile. When she smiles, really smiles, it lights up your whole day. You just wish that would happen more often.
"Emily, about yesterday -", you start, but she cuts you off with a wave of her hand.
"No, Morgan, listen, it wasn't your fault. I've been dealing, or should I say not dealing, with my problems in such a wrong way. And I really appreciate you being there for me. Thank you. And really, we both knew this would happen eventually – so lets just forget it.", she says, but you can't help but see a flash of desire in her eyes.
If you don't ask her now, you know you never will. You'll hate yourself forever if you don't find out how she really feels. So you take a step closer to her, trapping her between your body and the counter. She looks up at you, questioning, wearing that same untrusting and uncertain look that always crossed her face when you overstepped.
But this time, you don't care. This time, you won't back off, because you need to know.
"Emily. Do you regret last night?"
Her mouth just opens and closes, like it sometimes does when she's shocked. Her eyes show surprise, and you know that she's coming up with a well-formulated lie in her head. But you hope she knows better than to lie to you.
"I- I can't say I do.", she exhales, looking away from you.
Her words hit you like a ton of bricks. Yes, you'd hoped that she would someday say this, you've waited for this for years, but now that it's actually happening, you find you have no idea what to do.
You want to push her up against the counter and kiss her. You want a repeat of last night, this time knowing that it's not just temporary.
But before you can do anything, the phone rings. She clears her throat and you step away, letting her get it.
"Yes... No, he's fine I think... Penelope, I swear... Okay, I'll swing by his place... We'll be there in an hour PG... Yeah, don't worry."
You listen to her one-sided conversation, and automatically feel guilty for making Penelope worry.
"Garcia was about to send a SWAT team to your house – you've really got to start answering her phone calls.", she says, smiling that genuine smile that you love so much.
"Well, I was a little... preoccupied.", you say, flashing a flirty grin. As much as you love the joking and flirting, part of you wants to go back to the serious conversation, to make sure you weren't imagining Emily's response.
But you know the time for that is over. You and her would talk, eventually. You just have to take it one day, one joke, at a time.
She grins at you and playfully swats your arm, and for a second you're lost in her eyes, like you often are. The look between the two of you lasts a second too long, and the playful moment you were sharing quickly turns awkward.
You clear your throat, looking away. "So, did Pen say we have a case?", you ask, taking a gulp of your coffee.
"Yeah, I told her I'd pick you up and we'd meet everyone else in the conference room in an hour.", she says. "But, since you're already here, I guess we have some time to waste."
You smile at her attempt to shrug the events of last night off. This is part of what you love about her.
"You up for some breakfast then? I know this little cafe...", you say, hoping for maybe a little more time together.
She looks unsure for a second, before shaking her head a little and smiling.
"That sounds great, Derek."
The use of your first name startles you a little, but you don't let it show.
Sure, you'd gone to eat together before. You were partners, you were best friends. But somehow, you feel that this time will be different. You definitely hope so, and after what she had said this morning, you think you may be right.
Maybe, just maybe, things between you and Emily were finally beginning to change.
[Okay, so I know that wasn't as good as chapter 1, but is it good enough to maybe continue?
I kind of want to see where this story-line goes, but I don't know.
What do you guys think?]