"Gentlemen, I have called you here to present a solution to the problem that has plagued us for our entire lives," announced Edward Nygma, the Riddler, as he stood in front of Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch. "The problem of being intellectually superior to the general population, which precludes us from social relationships with the public at large."
"I can't say I'm particularly desirous of a social relationship with the public at large," commented Crane.
"No indeed – they're mostly morons," agreed Tetch. "A fact that you have often commented upon yourself, Edward. Why have you suddenly changed your mind?"
"You misunderstand me," said Riddler. "I don't mean to suddenly become a genial, social person who mingles with the ignorant masses. But our superior intellect does have some slight disadvantage, this I will acquiesce. Only one that I have pinpointed in all my years of being a genius, and that is that members of the opposite gender tend not to appreciate our intellect or find our superior minds attractive. This necessitates a life of abstinence, as females invariably select some physically superior but mentally inferior brute with a brain the size of a peanut. Well, worry no further, gentlemen! I, the Riddler, have found an ingenious way to solve our problem."
"Edward, you can't invent some technology to make a woman love you," retorted Tetch. "Believe me, I've tried, and it didn't work. And it's the wrong thing to do. Love must be spontaneous and natural…"
"Who said anything about love?" demanded Nygma. "I am not speaking of love – I am speaking of physical satisfaction. The two are completely unconnected."
"Indeed? Then I would prefer to have love," retorted Tetch.
"Yes, if we merely wanted cheap gratification, we could always find a prostitute," agreed Crane.
"False. Regular, inferior men use prostitutes," retorted Nygma. "I have invented a superior solution to our problem. Meet the new lady in my life," he said with a sweep of his arm, pulling aside a curtain.
Both Crane and Tetch stared at what he had revealed.
"…it's a robot," said Crane at last.
"She is not just a robot," retorted Nygma. "Are you, my dear?"
"Good morning, the Riddler," said the robot, in a feminine voice. "You're looking very intelligent today."
"Thank you, Robo-girlfriend," said Nygma. "Or for short, Robogif."
"What does it do exactly?" asked Tetch.
"She does whatever you want her to do," retorted Nygma. "You can program her to do the cooking and cleaning and whatever else you like. Just like a real girlfriend. Isn't that right, my dear?"
"That's right, the Riddler," replied the robot. "I find intelligence sexy. The size of your intellect interests me much more than the size of your…"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" demanded Crane.
"Wrong? It's genius!" snapped Nygma. "It means I can dispense with humanity altogether! And because I'm such a good friend, I'm offering to build another two for you both."
"God no!" exclaimed Crane. "How exactly is that better than a prostitute? It's not even human! It's something you've built with your own hands!"
"Precisely!" snapped Nygma. "And therefore superior to all humanity, just like I am!"
"Look, Edward, I'm sure it's very thoughtful of you," said Tetch, slowly. "But I think Jonathan and I are hopeful of being loved for ourselves by another human being, rather than having to program something to be loving and loyal. When I tried to brainwash my Alice, it felt all wrong, because she didn't love me for who I was – she was just a puppet at my command."
"I fail to see what's wrong with that – most of humanity are puppets at my command," snapped Nygma. "Except this one actually adores and obeys me. Robogif, go get Professor Crane and Mr. Tetch a drink."
"What drink, the Riddler?" asked the robot.
"Tea for me, please," said Tetch.
"Error, do not understand tea," said the robot.
"Well, that rules it out as my girlfriend," sighed Tetch.
"She can answer all sorts of riddles," said Riddler. "Can't you, Robogif? Riddle me this: why is a raven like a writing desk?"
"Error, do not understand raven," replied the robot.
"And that rules her out as mine," agreed Crane.
"She's just got a few bugs and kinks to sort out," muttered Riddler. "Don't you, Robogif?"
"Error, do not understand kinks," said the robot.
"Well, Joker would say she's not much of a girlfriend then," retorted Crane, dryly.
"Joker's not getting one!" snapped Riddler.
"Why would he want one? He already has Harley," said Tetch.
"Lucky man," muttered Crane. "She's infinitely superior to any robot."
"Fine, you ingrate, you don't get one!" snapped Riddler. "Just wallow in your own misery and loneliness forever! See if I care! This is what I get for trying to be nice, Robogif – nothing but ingratitude!"
"Would you like me to stroke your ego, the Riddler?" asked the robot.
"Maybe later," retorted Nygma.
A loud knock suddenly came on the door to the hideout. "Tell me you didn't invite anyone else to see this monstrosity?" asked Crane.
"No," retorted Nygma. "I didn't. And she's not a monstrosity. Don't hurt her feelings like that."
"It's a robot," retorted Crane. "It doesn't have feelings by definition."
"Shut up!" snapped Nygma, opening the door. He was surprised to see a young woman standing there, stunningly attractive, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a wide, beaming smile. Which fell when she saw Riddler.
"Oh…hi," she said, slowly. "Um…maybe you can help me, I'm looking for the Joker? And he was last seen at this address."
"This is one of the Joker's old hideouts?" demanded Crane. "That's terrible form, Nygma! We don't move in on each other's territory – is there no honor among thieves?"
"I didn't know it belonged to Joker!" snapped Nygma. "It was abandoned when I got here! Anyway, why are you looking for the Joker?" he asked, turning to the woman. "Nobody is ever looking for the Joker unless they want to die a gruesome and painful death. Are you crazy?"
"No," retorted the woman. "And don't talk about him like that. He's not some evil monster – he's a good man at heart, trust me."
Nygma just stared at her. "You are crazy," he said, slowly.
"No, I'm not," she repeated. "Just tell me where the Joker is, please."
"I don't know," snapped Nygma. "I have better things to do with my time than keep track of that grinning maniac."
"Like build a robot girlfriend," muttered Crane. "If I recall, my dear, he's still out of Arkham at the moment – he and Harley were last seen around the Funnibone shipping warehouse. That's a favorite haunt of theirs."
"Harley? Who's Harley?" asked the woman, confused.
"Harley Quinn. The Joker's girlfriend," explained Crane. "I'm surprised you haven't heard of her – you're not from around here, are you?"
"No, I'm from…Michigan," stammered the woman. "I…uh…didn't know he had a girlfriend. Have they been together long?"
"Sadly about seven years now," replied Crane. "You keep hoping she'll wake up and realize her mistake one of these days, but that seems unlikely at this point. But you have got to wonder what such a beautiful, intelligent, sweet girl sees in somebody like that."
"There's a lot to love about the Joker," snapped the woman. "He's a misunderstood man with a good heart and a decent soul. If he hasn't been allowed to show that recently, maybe this girlfriend of his is a bad influence, and he needs someone equally good and decent to guide him toward the light."
There was a firm resolution in her eyes as she nodded slowly. "Thank you for the information," she said, turning away. "Goodbye."
They all three stared after her. "What is it about attractive blonde women and a bizarre fascination with the Joker?" asked Tetch, quietly.
"Maybe they're just living up to the dumb blonde stereotype," said Riddler. "That's another thing you don't have to worry about with Robogif. She's infinitely more intelligent than any woman, not that that would be particularly difficult, especially compared to the women we know. Ow!" he exclaimed, as Crane hit him in the back of the head. "What did I say? What?"