Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
"Well here we are you are read Chapter Two of book. YEA! The truth will be heard, that pig J.K. will not get anymore people to hate me! YEA! You know what I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna go listen to some muggle music, here we go Weird Al, that sounds good, Jedi Song, that sounds good, I LOVE Star Wars, 'A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack, and I thought me and Qui-Gon Ginn, could talk the federation in to maybe cutting them a little slack.....' I'll buy it, but back to the story."
Quirrel wasn't evil, Harry Potter is the mean guy, I had to have possessed his body, I HAD to have a cookie! Mmm..... Quirell makes one heck of a brownie, to bad Harry killed him, yes, he killed him, now to another fact. I can't touch him because of Dumbledore, he's the bad guy, his name means Bumblebee, who likes a Bumblebee? Any one? HA! I was right! WHAT YOU THINK THAT J.K.'S RIGHT? That's your opinion, but why do you think I made you right your address on one of those cards that you answer questions and mail back to help and mail it to me before you bought this book? THAT'S RIGHT! So I could go to your house to give you a thank you cookie for buying my book!"
"Oh you thought I might kill you, so wrote down a abandoned factory. I'm sorry, if you mail me a address I'll still give you a cookie. Now back to the point, yes Harry Potter is evil, its not his fault, he was brain washed by Dumbledore, the real Dark Lord. Now to reveal J.K. Rowling's secret identity, he, yes he is Dumbledore, cue dramatic music.
"In Chapter Three we will discuss Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.