Part 2 – A fateful ball.
Sif's mind was troubled. What Frigg had showed her had changed her view of Loki. All that she had held true about him seemed wrong. He had not been cold towards her, he was merely protecting himself from the hurt she was causing him in being so close to Thor; his older brother, the heir, the one who had everything...
She missed Thor and, she had to admit, her ego had trouble accepting the fact that he was in love with a mortal, when he had her beside him, for so many years. Oh, Jane was quite an interesting mortal; intelligent, bright, witty and passionate. But she was a mortal; she won't be able to stay by his side for the rest of his life! He would suffer when she will, without doubt, die.
Her heart was hurting and now she had to add guilt; guilt for not seeing Loki as he was, for having been so rude to him when all he wanted was affection. Of course, she did not want to take all the blame; he could have been friendlier in his approach, he could have shown more interest in her. But she knew she was deluding herself. Loki would have never dared come near her, not with the way she was treating him, not with the boisterous Warriors Three and Thor beside her at every hour of the day. The worst was that she wouldn't have laughed at him... She wouldn't have been cruel... But he would not have come, not after what she had sworn to do to him if he ever was near her again. Of course, it was after he cut her hair, and when they were still so young, but she remembered now, and only now, his face when she had come to him, ready to punch and hurt and take her anger out on him. He was guilty, but now that she thought about it, it was just hair. And he had been severely punished. Sif sighed, walking in the garden. The past was the past and she couldn't change anything. But perhaps she could change what was to happen.
Frigg was often in the garden too and, although Sif wasn't really ready to confront her queen, she needed answers. Visibly, Frigg knew her son very well and perhaps she could help her to understand why Loki had done what he had done. 'My Queen? I need to speak with you.' Forward, always, never falter, as a true warrior.
Frigg looked at Sif with mild surprise; she had noticed the tension in her. 'What can I do for you, Shield Maiden of Asgard?' The tone was cold, reminding her that it was to the Queen she was speaking, but Sif didn't let this bother her.
'I need your help in... in understanding your son's actions.' And she stared at Frigg, challenging, hoping she would be able to give a sense to this madness.
The Queen sighed, nodded and got up from what she was doing with the roses. She gestured at Sif to move along with her. Sif acquiesced and followed her silently. The Queen was thoughtful and Sif was worried that she had indeed offended her queen. 'Sif, what do you know of the past of Loki?'
That was certainly the most awkward question Frigg could have asked and Sif did not understand exactly how it could relate to Loki's actions. 'His past? You mean his childhood?' No reaction from the Queen. Sif exhaled noisily, slightly exasperated, 'I don't know what you want from me, my Queen. Loki's past is the same as Thor's, as mine. We have grown up together and he has never been different...'
'Exactly!' Snapped the Queen, 'That's what I wanted to hear you say. Loki's never really been different from any of you...'
Sif shifted, uneasily, 'My Queen, his past was no different but he had always been different, from us...'
Frigg turned towards Sif, 'Explain then...'
Sif raised her eyebrows, not understanding what it was all about... Sighing, Sif began, 'He had always preferred magic, books...' She realized it wasn't so easy to define Loki's difference; it was something that had grown with time... 'I supposed it was because he wasn't physically as strong as his brother...'
'And you belittle him for that?'
'No! I had never belittled him for that!' She lowered her voice; she was still speaking to her queen. 'My Queen, I had never abased your son, I had respect for him...' her voice caught on these words. Yes, she had had respect for him once, before he'd done this to her hair...
The Queen seemed to understand where her thoughts were going... 'Your hair... Was it so precious to you that you still keep a grudge against him?'
There was a sneer in the Queen voice; Sif was insulted by it and snapped back, 'Do you think so little of me, my Queen? It is not for this...' gesturing to her hair, 'that I lost my respect for him. It was for his actions, for his sneaky attitude, because he betrayed me that day!' There, Sif realized, was a long lost truth, for betrayed she had felt that day...
'He betrayed you?' There was surprise in Frigg's voice, for she had seen the truth and the hurt in Sif answer. 'It is not what I've heard. Loki told me it was you that betrayed him that day.'
Sif was speechless, how could he say that when he was the one who...? 'My Queen, I don't know what he has told you, but I can swear I did no such thing.' Sif was trembling, and she did not understand why. They were such old memories, for something with no real importance, but the feelings were still there and she could not push them away.
Frigg looked at her, and then gently taking her arm, she went and sat with Sif by her side. 'Why don't you tell me what happened on that fateful day?'
Sif hesitated, it was so long ago. She began with a low voice, trying to remember exactly.
She had been very nervous that day. She knew about the ball and she wanted to invite Loki. Thor was out of the question; he didn't like dancing, and he would have groaned and moaned all night. Going with Loki would have meant laughter, mischief and a few dances, for Loki knew how to make her dance without making her feel dumb. She had always felt at ease with Loki. They were two of a kind, different. She a warrior girl, Loki a slim warrior skilled in magic. When she had asked him, in the morning, she thought he would refuse for she knew the girl Sigyn was after him. And Sigyn was so much more beautiful than her. He had smiled, warmly, and had accepted. She was overjoyed, but tried to hide it. Later that day, after the practice with Thor and Loki, Sigyn had come. She had asked Loki to the ball. Sif had looked at him, half-smiling. It had come like a punch in her heart when she had heard him say that he would be honoured, his voice so light with amusement. Her vision had darkened and she heard herself ask Thor to come with her. Thor had accepted, with his habitual puffing and groaning. And she had left the field, without looking back to Loki and Sigyn...
'Ah...' Frigg's voice was soft, sad. 'It seems there has been a misunderstanding between you two, my dear.'
Sif looked up at Frigg, feeling ashamed to remember so clearly that moment, what she had felt. Realizing that, once, long ago, she had had feelings for Loki.
Frigg went on, 'This is what I have gleaned. Loki was excited that you asked him to the ball, you know? He came to me that morning. I had never seen him so happy...' Frigg stopped, lost in the memory, the face of her son, enlightened by his joy at being invited by the one he loved... 'Then, if you had but waited... He was going to refuse Sigyn. He never wanted to go with her. When you asked Thor to the ball, Loki was hurt. He never understood, or rather, he thought you had been playing with him, that you had changed your mind, that he was not enough for you...'
Sif wasn't speaking, a lump in her throat. How painful it was to learn this after so many years. Sif could not comprehend why it hurt her so badly...
They stayed silent for a moment, each of them lost in their memories of Loki. 'My Queen?' Sif wasn't sure about what she wanted to ask, for she was still lost. She wanted, perhaps more now than ever, to understand.
Frigg didn't answer, she just nodded. Sif asked then, 'Do you know a reason, something... Anything... That might explain why Loki has done what he has done?' A desperate note had crept into Sif's voice.
The Queen sighed, 'Loki... My son had learned something about himself that... Something that hurt him, deeply...' Sif stayed still, waiting for the Queen to tell her. Frigg then looked straight at Sif, her voice calm when she said, 'Loki is our adopted son. He's a Jotun, the son of Laufey.'
Sif knew that words could hurt, but she never thought that they could inflict such a blow. She felt them physically. She stood, almost jumping from beside the Queen. She stared at Frigg, her face a mask of incredulity. But no sound could come out of her mouth... Minutes past and Frigg's face softened, she sighed sadly and stood up to go back to her work in the garden. Sif was left behind, in shock, in disbelief.