Anything recognizable is the property of the appropriate owners. I do not make any claim to ownership, nor do I make any money from this.

This fic diverges after Buffy ends and between season 4 and 5 of Angel.

Warning: There will be gore and smut along the way. Please don't read if you're not of legal age in your country.

May 30, 2004

If his heart still beat, it would have stopped the moment he opened his eyes and Buffy was nowhere in the room. In the weeks since she arrived, she showed no interest in spending time with any of the other investigators or hunting in the city and Angel panicked. Without bothering with a robe or pants, he followed her scent to the stairs, all the way to the roof. The door opened easily and the vampire caught sight of Buffy standing by the edge before the burning rays of sun forced him back into the stairwell. Hearing the clatter of the door, the slayer turned away from the rising sun and met Angel in the shadows, slipping easily into his arms.

"Hey, everything alright?" Unsurprisingly, she didn't voice her answer, only shrugged against his chest.

"How about we go out tonight?" Another shrug.

"Get a decent meal, maybe a walk on the beach?" Buffy started to shrug but she stopped and nodded instead.

That night, Angel kept his word, making sure there would be no cases before escorting Buffy into the night. He had been prepared to make idle conversation, not expecting any responses, but the blonde surprised him by keeping up her end of the talking. Dinner passed agreeably with no mention of Sunnydale, Hellmouths, or slaying and Buffy seemed more like herself. But while ordering ice cream, the tall vampire forced himself admit that her smile never reached her eyes.

Several minutes of good hearted wheedling got Buffy walking barefoot through the surf, one hand in Angel's. Nothing about the silence surrounding them was forced until they neared one of the many piers scattered along the beach. Waves licked at their ankles and the vampire made a split second decision, leaning down to press his lips against the blonde's. Buffy hesitated for just a moment before gently returning the kiss. A traitorous part of Angel's mind whispered that she was thinking of Spike before she pulled back slightly.

"I love you, Angel."

All of his fears seemed unfounded and melted away as he kissed her again. Just as he wished the moment would never end, a scream rose above the waves and was abruptly cut off. Instantly, the pair was running towards the shelter of the pier, drawing stakes from their clothes. The fight itself hardly lasted at all, leaving a whimpering girl in the sand and Buffy covered with dust. Angel hesitated in touching the blonde upon seeing the hard edge to her green eyes.

Something changed in the petite slayer after that night and Angel was helpless as he watched it happen. Buffy began spending more time on the roof, always at the same spot, looking out over the city. And then when the vampire went to look for her, she was never there. Hours later, the blonde would slip in through the sewers smelling like sweat and dust and blood.

Weeks passed and every day, Angel would see less and less of the slayer, only to be surprised by how much longer her hair was. It went on until she didn't come back for an entire day. The vampire frantically searched the city, following her scent until it crossed and double crossed too many times to follow. But Buffy always returned unharmed but was unapologetic for the worry she had caused.

A single day gone turned into a week without word from the slayer. Angel spent every moment he wasn't working cases tracking the blonde, only to arrive hours or minutes after she had left. There were always demon corpses or piles of dust marking her wake, but if Buffy didn't want to be found, she wouldn't be. Eventually, she always came back, slipping into his bed damp from a shower or jumping unexpectedly into a fight. Until the day he knew she wouldn't be coming back.

Angel woke at sunset to the soft sound of humming and spotted Buffy entering his room with her hands full. She realized he was awake and brought a mug and plate to the bed. Grateful, the vampire took the mug of warm blood and sipped as the blonde ate her eggs.

"What's the occasion?"

Buffy shrugged carelessly. "Just felt like it."

There was something unsaid and Angel waited for the other shoe to drop. "You seem cheerful today."

Another shrug. "Why not?"

The vampire finished his breakfast and studied her profile. It had been more than a year since he had seen her so chipper and it worried him. When Buffy finished and got up, taking his mug, Angel realized what day it was. One year since the battle against the First. One year since Sunnydale was destroyed. One year since Spike died. He knew that when she left, she wouldn't ever be coming back and it hurt.

It was easy enough to excuse himself into the shower with an 'I love you' thrown over his shoulder. But Angel knew that the moment he turned the water off, Buffy would already be gone. Feeling the spray across his shoulders turn steadily colder, he was able to pretend for a few more minutes that the blonde slayer would still be puttering around the room. Finally, he accepted that he would never be able to give her the life she needed, no matter how much he would give to do so. When he stepped out, Buffy was gone, her scent already beginning to fade.

Angel felt like he was drowning despite not needing to breathe. It wasn't the sudden unbalance of having a rug pulled from under his feet. More a constant rolling lurch like missing the last stair. Buffy had been his harbor in the dark for so long, he didn't know how to swim alone. He knew it was only fair that she leave him, but the emptiness made the vampire want to walk into the sunrise.

He wanted to feel close to Buffy as night gave way to twilight and steadily climbed the stairs to the roof. She had spent so much time staring out across the city, Angel had begun to think of it as her spot. Hand on the door, the tall vampire wondered what made that spot special and knew she would never tell.

250 years of living as a vampire instilled a strong will to survive and even Buffy leaving him wasn't worth walking into the sun, but something drove him to the roof. Just for a quick look before the sun's rays became too dangerous. The door opened easily, revealing the last of the stars fading from the sky before something else caught the investigator's eye.

A naked man lay on the coarse gravel covering the roof, pressed close to the wall and arms wrapped protectively around his head. For several long moments, Angel was too stunned to move. It wouldn't be easy for anyone to get to the roof without coming through the hotel and the way the man was trembling left little concern he had climbed the building. As the sky began to turn from purple to blue, the vampire shrugged out of his jacket and tucked it around the stranger.

Once covered, he rolled the trembling man away from the wall and jumped back in surprise. The unconscious stranger was unmistakably his grand-childe, Spike. Sunlight began to smoke across his bare skin and Angel contemplated leaving the thin vampire to burn. Almost instantly, he changed his mind and scooped Spike up and ducked into the safety of the stairwell.

Spike's head lolled against his shoulder and he realized several things in rapid succession. He was naked and sitting on a metal stool, arms handcuffed behind his back to a wooden beam, and someone was watching him from the shadows. The vampire tried to peer into the darkness, making out the shape of a tall man before he recognized his captor.

"Sire?" The blond tested the handcuffs but wouldn't struggle until he knew what was going on. "Angel?"

The vampire master stepped into view, arms crossed over his chest. Spike's gaze was open and almost relieved. "I can honestly say I'm glad to see you."

Angel didn't speak until Spike fidgeted on his seat. "What do you remember?"

The blond's eyebrows furrowed and his gaze slipped towards the floor in concentration before shooting back up to the older brunet's face. "Buffy. The seal. What happened?"

The investigator kept his voice even. "That was a year ago."

"And Buffy?"

"She's gone." For half a moment, Angel soaked up the defeated look in his childe's eyes and considered letting him believe the young woman was dead but he took pity on Spike. "She's alive."

Spike's blue eyes filled with hope and he sat up straighter. "Where is she?"

"I don't know. If she doesn't want to be found, she won't be." The brunet pulled over another chair and sat down to tell the story of the last year.

Silence spiraled between the vampires when the tale was done, each lost in their own thoughts of the blonde slayer. Angel couldn't pretend he didn't know his childe had feelings for Buffy, despite his jealousy. "If I let you go, what would you do?"

"I want to see the crater. Maybe there's some sign of what brought me back."

"There won't be if it's what I think it is."

Spike sighed unnecessarily. "Still wan' to see it."

"And then?" Angel was reluctant to release William The Bloody on the world again if that was his plan.

"Maybe I'll take a page out of your book."

The brunet wasn't sure which page that would be, but it was as close to a commitment he would ever get. "I'll find you some clothes. There's some blood in the fridge." Angel unlocked the handcuffs and tossed them aside before leaving.

The peroxide blond vampire stood at the edge of the crater and stared out into the void. All sign of Sunnydale was gone in the rubble. He hated and loved the city but owed it so much. Without the events that took place there, he would still be drifting around the world with Drusilla, or staked by some slayer. No matter how much it hurt to have a soul, he couldn't regret it, not really.

Spike climbed back into Angel's car and left the crater. That chapter of his long life was over and all he had to decide was where to start the next. As miles slipped by, the vampire imagined ways of tracking down the blonde slayer and all the places she could have gone. He would start in LA and follow her to the ends of the Earth until he found her. Their last words echoed in his head, repeating over and over until he pounded his hand on the steering wheel to silence the memory.

"I love you."

"No you don't. But thanks for saying it."

He could have accepted her words the night before the battle, could have believed something in her heart had melted as she lay in his arms. But if he had accepted her love while the power of the amulet coursed through him, he could never sacrifice himself. Only one thought kept Spike from driving the car off a bridge and that was that he was back for a reason.

Angel was shocked when his blond childe walked into the office and handed back the car keys before settling heavily in a chair. Spike didn't kick his feet up on the desk or immediately pull out a cigaret. He just sat as if his limbs were too heavy to do anything else. The sire followed suit and pushed away the file he had been reading.