"Dear Forever, You Didn't Last."
—?
11.16.12
Dear Forever,
You didn't last. I thought forever meant eternal. I thought forever's definition was past the end of time. Forever, you lied to me. You're not a word. You're just a lie. She had said "I will love you forever." You made me a promise that day. You made me a promise that she would be mine until always. You broke that promise the day she walked out of my door. The day she left me in tears. Forever, you suck. Why did you do this to me?
11.23.12
Dear Forever,
It's been a week. Maybe you didn't lie to me. Maybe I just got your definition wrong. This week has been agony and torture as I pass her in the hallways. I watch her as she parades around. She looks happy but I know she isn't. She is just as sad as I am. She laughs and smiles and sings just like before. On the outside she looks calm and content with her decision. There was something different in her eyes though, in her majestic, delicious chocolate brown eyes. The fire that used to light up her eyes has disappeared. This week, as I watched her and she watched me (even though I didn't see it I know she did it), we were both suffering what felt like forever. So maybe you didn't fail me forever. Maybe I just got the definition of forever wrong. A week without Tori feels like forever. It feels like an excruciating forever. Then again, when I was once with Tori it felt like forever too. A week with Tori had felt like it would last forever. That was once upon a time ago. It isn't like that anymore. You're not a liar. You're a deceiver. Forever is only forever when bad things happen. The sayings, 'Best friends forever', 'being with someone forever,' all of that is a hoax. Deception. That's all you are.
12.12.12
Dear Forever,
Another empty promise. What did I ever do to you, forever? What did I do to make you hate me so much? Cat and I have known each other since forever, but once again you deceive me. We haven't known each other since forever. If we had been that she wouldn't have done what she did today. She said that we were best friends forever. She made me that promise when we were five years old and she was handing me a far too colorful handmaid bracelet I still kept around. It had the words best friends forever stitched into it. If we had really been 'forever friends' she wouldn't have done what she just did. She wouldn't have just changed her relationship status to 'in a relationship with Victoria Vega.' That's why as I write this I'm starting a fire in the fireplace downstairs. That's why when I'm done writing this I'm going to take that bracelet and throw it into the flames. Forever, because of you my life is being torn apart, piece-by-piece. Forever, why can't you just leave me alone?
12.16.12
Dear Forever,
It's been one month from that dreadful day when Tori told me that she wasn't sure she loves me anymore. It's been exactly one month since she told me she wanted to try, 'seeing other people.' It's been one month since my heart has been broken. It won't ever be whole again. Even if Tori comes back all she can do is mend it, forever. It'll never be the same thanks to you. Forever, I'm running out of things to say to you. Everything you've done to me, it seems like saying something about it wouldn't be enough. Maybe it's time I take action.
12.31.12
11:50pm
Dear Forever,
You promised me permanency. I didn't get permanency. I got a girlfriend who was supposed to be permanent. I got a best friend who was supposed to be permanent. They were both lying, heart breaking, betrayers. So I'm calling in a favor. You've broken two promises to me. To make up for it I want two favors. I've tried with all my might, but I can't seem to let go of Tori. I still love her. So I ask of you, please give my Tori happiness forever. Not your deceptive version of forever, the forever we're meant to believe as kids. The forever I don't even know exists anymore. The second debt you must pay is this. What I'm about to do I want to be permanent. Will you do it, forever? Will you make this permanent? We'll just have to wait and see.
1.2.13
Dear Forever,
You didn't do either one. My Tori is crying outside of my hospital room. My Tori isn't happy right now. She's sad. You owed me, forever. Why do you still refuse to own up to what you debt? As I tied the noose around my head at 11: 58pm that night I thought back to what I had asked you. I asked you to make it permanent. I asked for you to make my death last forever. I wanted to escape. You failed me again forever. My dad walked in, apparently only a minute after I had hung myself. He had come to wish me a happy new year. Instead he found me dead. He called 911 and they brought me back to life. Why couldn't you do it forever? Why did you have to let them bring me back to life? Why do you continue to torture me?
1.3.13
Dear Forever,
I was wrong. You only failed me on one account. Tori's still happy. She's happy that I'm alive. She's happy that I'm not dead. So at least you fulfilled one thing so far, forever. I understand why you didn't complete my other wish. It would've coincided with my first one, the more important one. I understand. I only wish that I could've had both. Still, I want to thank you forever. Right now I'm holding Tori in my arms one last time as she gives me a huge hug and cries into me. So thank you.
11.12.13
Dear Forever,
I'm in a suicide center for troubled teens. Is this what you wanted, forever? Was this your goal? To have me committed? I have a question for you forever. How come the good things in life never seem to last forever, but then all the bad things in life do? Just give me a straight and simple answer for once.
1.16.13
Dear Forever,
The doctors say it's not healthy that I refer to you in a personified way. They say that instead of blaming a person I decide to blame an object because I just can't. I disagree. I talk to you, forever, because you are the source of all my problems. It's not Tori's fault. It's not even Cat's fault (much). It's your fault, forever. That's why I talk to you. Because I know it's your fault.
2.10.13
Dear Forever,
Tori visited me today. She came and she visited me. She came. We talked about you. Do you feel flattered? Well you shouldn't. She told me how she wanted to try again with me, even though I'm still at the 'home.' I don't know what to say. I know that you'll just break my heart again, forever. Since you didn't let me die forever, maybe you could make up for that by granting me Tori. Let me have Tori forever. Please. I need Tori
3.6.13
Dear Forever,
Tori visited me every single day. We're back together and I realize, maybe your not so bad. Maybe you're not so awful, forever. Maybe Tori really was mine forever, even when we were broken up. Forever, I want to thank you. I know now that Tori really is mine eternally and I want to thank you for everything you've done. Forever, I tried to take my life because of you once. Now I owe you my life. So Dear Forever, maybe you really did last. I just didn't realize it.