December 30, 1999
Remus was grinning like a fool who had just won a million pounds. Lily sat in the swing, trying not to laugh.
"Are you going to laugh?" Remus asked.
"I'm sorry, Remus, it's your face!" Lily said.
Remus blushed and turned away. There was a time after they first met nearly five years before that Remus couldn't stand having any attention drawn to his face on account of the scar that went across it. Lily thought it had faded, though maybe she was just used to it.
"Well?" Lily prompted.
"I'm just so excited. I'm coming out to my parents tomorrow!" Remus said.
"You are? That's excellent! Congratulations!" Lily said and hopped off the swing to hug Remus, accidentally knocking him over onto the grass.
Lily collapsed onto Remus and they both laughed.
"Sorry!" Lily said, pulled herself up then put out an arm to help Remus up as well.
"No problem and cheers. It's wonderful isn't it?" Remus said, coming to his feet.
"Yes!" Lily said.
"I'm nervous but I think it will feel good for both me and Sirius," Remus said frowning.
"Sirius is going to be there?" Lily asked.
Remus nodded and Lily squealed in response.
"I see I'm not the only one who his giddy today," Remus said with a chuckle.
Lily grinned and shrugged, then pulled the hood of her red hooded jacket onto her head and began walking back to the park's main path.
"What? What is it Lils?" Remus asked.
Lily turned to Remus, shook her head and shrugged again. Remus reached over pulled the hood back down. Lily stopped in her tracks then laughed.
"All right, all right!" Lily said then sighed before continuing: "Things are just going really well with James. I feel like… we've really been getting on, you know? He's a nice bloke."
"You might be the first person in history to describe James Potter as a nice bloke," Remus said, snickering.
Lily looked at Remus, mouth agape, her nose crinkled then she laughed despite herself.
"That's a terrible thing to say about your friend! And anyway, he can be very sweet, you know. Like… the way he looks at me sometimes," Lily said.
Remus's brown eyes studied her with skepticism.
"I've known James for three years. He's my friend. I love him. But if I'm being honest he can be a bit of an arse sometimes. And he's been a bad influence on Sirius," Remus said.
"Not just Sirius," Lily said, nodding towards Remus himself.
"You were defending him! The nerve!" Remus said with a sly smile.
"Don't think I've forgot what happened with Severus Snape," Lily said, giving Remus a pointed glance.
Remus turned away, looking ashamed, the smile fading from his face as he let out a long, solemn sigh.
"Don't think I've forgot either. It hasn't even been two years. I think about it almost every day," Remus admitted.
Lily's smiled had faded as well. She hadn't meant for things to get so serious and she realised that she had accidentally made Remus's point for him.
"I can't judge him though. I mean I can. I do. But I judge the whole lot of you, Sirius and Peter too. To some degree, I can understand why you would want to do… something. Sev treated you like utter shite and sometimes when we feel hurt or mistreated we do stupid things. It doesn't make it all right, but part of me understands," Lily said.
Remus said nothing. He just nodded.
"Sirius, no doubt wanted to please his best friend and the bloke he fancied. Peter… well, seems like Peter will do anything to be just to be accepted. But James? James just wanted to start trouble and have fun. I really didn't like him for a while. But now… now it's different. I really… like being around him. It's like when he's around things are better," Lily said.
Lily felt warm just thinking about how he made her felt. She smiled, almost forgetting their conversation.
Remus still said nothing. Lily wasn't sure if he didn't know what to say or if he was afraid to say anything. Lily stopped at a bench and sat down. Remus followed suit, silently.
"It makes no sense on paper. We don't have much in common. I mean there's some stuff but he's into football and he always seems so restless, like he has to be doing something and he might literally die. Sometimes I'm afraid to try and relax around him. We just end up shagging all the time, which is lovely, I'll admit," Lily said and felt herself blushing so she looked down at her hands.
"Sirius and I don't… we haven't… just the one time," Remus sputtered.
"Is that a problem?" Lily asked.
"No. But I swear the moment I turn eighteen I'm going to get my own bloody place and Sirius and I are going to lock ourselves indoors for at least a month to make up for lost time," Remus said with a wicked grin.
"Fair enough," Lily said with a chuckle.
Remus gave Lily a ponderous look then said: "Shagging all the time?"
Lily blushed again and looked away.
"I mean… not all the time. But an awful lot," Lily said.
"Hmm. James never struck me as the type to be randy all the time," Remus said.
"Me either. He never talks about it or anything. It always just sort of… happens. I suppose I initiate most of the time," Lily said.
"Ah," Remus said.
"Ah?" Lily replied.
"It's nothing… Just saying that doesn't surprise me… knowing you both," Remus said, playfully wagging a finger at her.
Lily chuckled and shook her head. He was right, she supposed.
"Have you told him… about us… about that time we… uh… you know?" Remus asked with an embarrassed cringe.
Lily also cringed and said, "Have you told Sirius?"
"I asked you first," Remus said.
Lily groaned.
"Not as such. I mean… he knows I've had sex before him but not with who," Lily said.
"So he doesn't know about Dorcas either?" Remus asked.
"No. And it's none of his bloody business," Lily said, feeling a flash of anger.
"You'll have no argument there. I was only curious, Lils. I haven't told Sirius about our… fling, because I know he'll be insecure about it. He won't handle it well. And yet I want to be able to tell him. I want to be able to tell him everything," Remus said.
"I do wonder how James would react. I think he'd be shocked… but I can't see him getting angry. He's never asked who I've shagged or how many times. I really don't think he cares," Lily said, making a curious face.
"But the important question is do you want him to know?" Remus said.
"I never really thought about that. I want the freedom to tell him anything. Yes. I do think I would like him to know," Lily said.
"Perhaps, that's reason enough to tell him," Remus said and bumping her in the shoulder with his shoulder.
"Perhaps," Lily said.
"Do you think he'll be more shocked about me or Dorcas?" Remus asked.
Lily considered for a moment before answering: "You. He already knows I'm into girl and doesn't seem that interested. You on the other hand? He might expect me to have shagged a bloke before but he probably doesn't think I shagged one of his best mates who happens to be gay."
"Fair enough," Remus said with a smile.
Lily smiled back at him. Sometimes he looked so handsome with his honey brown hair, and fine features that it wasn't hard to see why they'd shagged in the first place, even if she was a bit embarrassed now.
"Well, I'm off to meet up with James," Lily said and stood up.
Remus stood up and quickly hugged her.
Lily kissed Remus on the cheek then walked away. She was going to tell James about her sexual past. Not because she needed to but because she wanted to. She liked the idea of having a relationship where they could share things like that without fear.
"Oh?" James asked.
Lily sat crosslegged on James's bed, looking slightly confused, her red lips looking a pouty.
"It's OK to react if you want," Lily said.
James licked his lips then adjusted his glasses.
"I'm not sure what you want me to say," James admitted.
"I don't. Something? Anything?" Lily said.
"Well, I mean… I suppose it never occurred to me that you might've shagged one of my mates, but on the other hand I suppose it makes sense," James said.
"Makes sense?" Lily said.
"He's a handsome bloke, and I say that as a bloke who really doesn't fancy blokes. You and him have been spent a lot of time together and I knew you'd shagged someone before me. You don't have many ex-boyfriends. So it makes sense, even if it is a bit of a surprise," James said.
"You're not jealous?" Lily asked with a small smile, her green eyes seeming bright with wonder.
"No. Remus doesn't feel the way I do about you. I mean he loves you but it's not like what he has with Sirius," James said.
Lily smiled and fell back on the bed with a laugh.
"That's great. I mean I knew you'd be cool but I still worried a bit, if I'm being honest," Lily said.
James waved a dark hand dismissively. Of course, he wasn't jealous of Remus and Lily shagging. Sex wasn't a big deal. It was just a bit of fun. He had to admit to himself that he would be jealous if Lily had told him that she had once been in madly in love or something. Sex was nothing… love was everything.
"So um… that's not all, if I'm being honest," Lily said and James felt suddenly anxious.
"Wha-What do you mean?" he asked.
"Remus isn't the only person I've shagged," Lily confessed.
"Oh? Well who's the other lucky bloke?" James asked then laughed.
After Remus, nothing could be a bigger surprise.
"Dorcas Meadowes," Lily answered, flatly.
"Ohhh," James said, and leaned back in his chair.
James could kick himself for forgetting that Lily fancied girls. He supposed he had never found it an important detail. It was like knowing that she was into crochet or badminton. It was just another aspect of her personality that he knew existed but had little actual bearing on their relationship.
"A lot of blokes would be pressuring me for details and ask for a blow by blow description," Lily said with a snicker.
James shrugged. Dorcas Meadowes was an odd, shy girl. She was cute but wasn't really his type.
"Doesn't feel like any of my business," James said.
Lily smiled and stood up, walking over to the chair James was seated in. She climbed onto his lap and knelt on his thighs. She wrapped her arms around his neck then raised her face to his. Slowly, Lily pressed her soft lips into his, kissing him tenderly.
Lily then leaned into his neck and nuzzled him. James giggled and pulled her tight as she planted soft kisses on his neck. Lily slid her legs to the side of James's and pushed her torso against him tightly, then laid her head on his chest. James wrapped his arms around her and held her firmly.
James sighed with relief. This was what he wanted. Just like this.
It was obvious to Sirius after dinner Saturday night that neither of his parents had discovered that he was gay. Perhaps, Remus had been correct in his assessment. Walburga had never actually looked at his poetry. She just wanted to hurt him. Well, fuck her then, he thought as Mr. Reacher came by the table to take away their plates.
Sirius glanced over at Regulus who was wiping his face with a napkin. His brother didn't look well. Sometimes Sirius wished they were closer so that he could ask how he was doing. Of course, then Regs would force Sirius to talk about how he was doing and that would mean Sirius would have to lie because he couldn't trust Regs not to run to their parents with the truth.
Sirius quickly glanced at his mother. She was an unpleasant looking woman with a perpetual scowl on her face. People in the family claimed that she had been attractive when she was younger but Sirius found that very hard to believe. When he looked at her all he saw was hatred, bigotry and privilege.
Sirius considered asking her if she had really read his poetry. Perhaps, he could press her for details about it and get her to admit that she hadn't actually read anything.
"So, mum, I was wondering how you even found my poetry," Sirius said, immediately cursing himself.
"I asked your brother for your email address," Walburga said, giving Sirius a glare of disapproval.
Sirius glanced at Regs who looked away in shame. Fuck, Sirius thought. The old hag really had read it! Walburga made a disgusted sound and shook her head. His father got up from the table, clearly uninterested.
"Putrid load of rubbish. And plagiarised at that," Walburga said then scoffed.
"Plagiarised? What do you mean?" Sirius asked and his brother shot him a panicked look.
"I showed it to your brother, so he could share in the laugh. He took one look at it and told me it was all plagiarised. All written by old dead homosexual. Oh, Sirius. Not only a thief but a thief who plagiarises from queers," Walburga said, the last word oozing from her mouth with disgust.
Sirius was too shocked by this turn of events to care about his mother's blatant homophobia. Regs was looking away and looking uncomfortable. Sirius desperately wanted to talk to him and find out just what the hell was going on.
Walburga gave Sirius a satisfied look.
"Nothing to say for yourself? Pathetic," Walburga said.
Sirius could feel himself starting to shake, anxiety seeping in.
"I suppose not. I'm going to my room," Sirius said and headed upstairs.
Sirius collapsed on his bed, clutching Perseus, who purred loudly, to his chest. A short while later, there was a small knock on his bedroom door.
"It's me," his brother said.
"Come in," Sirius said and Regulus quickly entered and shut the door.
"Are you mad?" Regulus asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Possibly," Sirius replied.
"No, really! I saved your bloody arse. You could've walked away. Mum moved past it. She'd had her fun," Regulus said.
"But Regs… why? Why did you protect me?" Sirius said.
Regulus sighed.
"You're not the only one with a secret in this family," Regulus said.
"Wait… you're-" Sirius started.
"Don't say it! Just remember… you owe me," Regulus said, then quickly left the bedroom.