4.
I just wanted to say that God saved my life. I'm not saying that I'm saved because I'm not. I want to be because my life clock is ticking away and it is killing me now and later at the same time. It hurts me every day when realization hits once again. Though, I just wanted to bring up the fact that he has saved my life before I was born and about 6 years after and even some after that. I'm not going to go into detail because I don't have the strength to say it aloud in fear that I may hurt the feelings of my loved ones. I'm not even going to type it in the sanctity of my writings. I just wanted to voice it in a way that
I would know what was going through my mind yesterday. How I felt about the things that were going on around me and inside of me. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. Things are swirling in my head and I can hardly control my mind, let alone the things that are poisoning it beyond my control. I'm feeling sick upon the voiced thoughts of the surroundings of yesterday. They say how they are truly committed, yet they diminish a girl when she just wants to be accepted, more than likely. I find myself lost in the real world and my religious world. I am slowly stumbling through a realm of darkness into a slowly devouring abyss. I feel so alone even in the crowd the size of the world. I feel like I'm the only one that brings these points into view. I feel like I have gone into my mental state of mind where even my feelings can't be released through writing or music or singing. I'm starting to feel pain in ways I never have. I'm starting to feel the pain in others that I see. Rosewood. I started to feel the noose around my throat slowly dragging me into death. I felt the bullet rip through my flesh and my eyes exploded with tears. Others see the same things that I do, but they don't swallow it. They gargle it in their mouths for a while and then spit it out like it burns and they don't want to feel it. Though, I taste it. I let it seep down the back of my throat and taste the toxicness even though I don't want to believe that it is true. It burns but I face it with boldness even though others cower away.
5.
I am starting to wake up from my sleep. The one that has hidden me from all the things that I never wanted to see. I am starting to realize that a lot of people are two-faced. They sink their teeth into you only so that they can take your fears and secrets. Then they rip them out leaving harsh bruises and you to sit there and suffer./I hate that I have lost the old me. Today someone finally realized who I used to be. Two others spoke up as well. Though, it took a picture for memory. I hate that I am who I am sometimes. She asked what made me change. The answer is everything. Realization started to hit me in the face repeatedly. I started to realize that nothing lasts forever. That friends do go away. They do forget you even when you don't forget them. I want to be the old me sometimes. Though I can't seem to find the little girl that was happy. I don't even remember what happiness is. It hurts me to know that they have finally uncovered the dead girl that used to be so fun and friendly and not scared of what was going to happen. I miss being the little girl that had friends she could trust and not have a care in the world. I miss the nice feeling of happiness. I wish I could find it. But for me, it runs away. It doesn't want me to find it. Why would anything. I want to cry so bad but I'm keeping it inside. I never let anyone see me cry. I never let anyone see the pain that I go through every day inside this form of myself. I act so strong even though no one sees it. I wish someone could. Though, I also hope that no one ever finds out. It could hurt them to. And I don't want them to suffer the way I suffer. I don't want anyone to suffer at all. If I could, I would take everyone's pain, everyone's urge to be evil and thrust it upon myself so that no one would be hurt or evil. I want a world of peace. But that hides from me to. Everything hides from me. It hurts. It really does. My family and closest friends don't even understand what I go through. I don't tell them. It's just me and God. I wish he didn't pay attention to me. Others need help more than me. I'm worthless. Though, I'm also lucky. Luck differing from everyone else.
6.
Life circles around the mind inside of your empty little head. It suffocates it. It drags it into the darkness of the inhuman. You can't see. Your mind can't breathe. Blood drips out. It starts to become so insufferable that you scream. Nothing comes. You fall to the floor in pain. Your body starts writhing and shaking. You want the pain to go away. It just laughs at you. Everyone laughs at you. Life will not cease to torment you. It pushes you down and kicks you as you try to get up. Everyone sees it. They don't help. They join in. You sit on your bed. Tears are stinging your eyes. You won't let them fall. Blood drips out. You wish the world would leave you alone. It won't. It loves to mock you. It wants you to howl in outrageous pain. It wants you to suffer. So, blood drips out. This is your last chance. Your last hope. You talk to them. You tell them. They scream. They say you are crazy. You let the rope grab your neck.