Chapter 2:
Kala Dandekar was not the kind of women who was easily moved to anger. Initially she had not been angry at all. Afraid yes, heartbroken yes, but anger did not come until later.
She was beside him the whole time, even standing in the shadows of his memory as he strangled his father with an electric cord, even as he emptied an entire clip into his uncle's face. Reeling in shock, trying to reconcile this Wolfgang with the man that sang to her in her bedroom, leaning into touch his forehead to hers, a sweet dimple in his cheek as he smiled at her. Trying and then realizing that no reconciliation was needed, because they were all many things, many people, many choices and not all of them were good.
That is why you must marry Rajan. Of all the pigheaded, controlling, self-aggrandizing... ullu ke pathe...
"Stick it to him, honey." Came Nomi from her perch on Kala's bed/ floral couch in San Francisco.
Kala sighed. "Yes, yes I will," she muttered distractedly, "I will fix my life I promise." She cast a helpless look at the slew of lab notes and journal articles that that littered her bedroom floor. "We kind of have bigger problems."
Nomi would not be deterred. "And by fix your life, you mean end your engagement to Rajan."
She sighed, and cringed as she always did at the thought of telling her parents, of hurting Rajan, who had only ever been kind to her. Sun was there, silently urging her to be strong. Riley too, arms curled around Will although they could not see him.
But there was more to it than that, and a part of her whispered, could it ever truly work? A life with Wolfgang was likely one that did not include her family, one that took her away from home, one of danger and darkness. The warmth, the desire, she felt for him might not be the sort that translated into a strong partnership. Would he even want that kind of relationship?
She had admitted her feelings for him, when he pulled up to his uncle's house, feeling dizzy terror at the torment welling from him. He wanted to die. She could feel it, the unfamiliar horror and violence filling her. She had admitted her feelings, stiff with fear that she would lose him, and it hadn't changed a thing. He was alive, she thanked Ganesha for that every morning, but the pain and fury wasn't gone. It still scared her.
Kala changed the subject. "I have found some promising studies based on the information you gave me about DMT, Riley. The supplies Nomi ordered came in yesterday, and I have been working overtime testing combinations." She grimaced," and the mice have been coming in handy too, although my family is wondering why I have suddenly developed allergies."
Nomi, still hacked in to Dr. Metsker's accounts, had ordered a collection of chemicals and labware that Kala had snuck into a small office space rented several blocks from her home. But the more complicated analysis had to be carried out at Rasel Pharmaceuticals.
"How long will it take?" Asked Riley quietly although her voice was a little strained.
Kala shook her head. "Normal drug approval processes take years, Riley. And they have healthy human subjects they can test it on. The only person I can test the drug on is me, and I want to hold off on doing that for as long as I can." She smiled ruefully, putting on an air of false bravado. "After all I might only be able to test it once."
"Kala." whispered Nomi, "You can't do that."
"I can and I will." she said firmly. "If you want to fight me on it you can do it closer to the time. But Will is part of me as much as you, and I will fight for him in the way I know how to."
Sun nodded at that, and withdrew. She understood that sacrifice too well. But Nomi and Riley still looked at her with worried eyes.
They all looked somewhat worse for wear, each of them dealing with the stress of Will's...affliction...Riley's flashbacks, Lito's coming out, Wolfgang's guilt in different ways. Mostly ways that involved not sleeping.
Kala had been feeling the effects; she was getting sloppy in the lab, not enough to screw up her carefully planned experiments, but more then she would like. Then there were the nightmares, sometimes just vague impressions of blood and fear. But other times, vivid, sensory images she would fight to forget.
Wolfgang plagued her thoughts, just as she knew she plagued his. They circled each other, like two stray dogs; almost close enough to touch but pulling away before they could.
Most nights, try as she might, she could not help agonizing over her choice. A smart woman, would choose Rajan. A romantic would choose Wolfgang. Kala was both, but mostly she was aggravated with herself.
You are ridiculous she told herself firmly in the mirror, as she got ready for bed, agonizing over two men like people aren't starving to death. Like there isn't some lobotomizing maniac trying to hunt you down. But still, if she wasn't careful she would fall asleep thinking of him, and without thinking reach into his mind as she slept. Tonight was one of those nights, her usual fuzzy, nonsensical dreams, interrupted by a sharp choking sensation and reek of unwashed skin.
He had one hammy fist wrapped around her throat, and another inches from her throbbing left eye. She was terrified, and fighting so hard against tears that she could actually feel her teeth grinding together.
"You crying you little pussy?" he mocked. "How did I raise such a weak little bitch?"
His cruel face twisted into a sneer, breath reeking of alcohol. This always happened. At first it would seem like he was safe, his father would tell him to sit, ruffle his hair and ignore how Wolfgang flinched away, maybe teach him how to break a lock, but in the end it would end like this. It was the uncertainty that was the worst part. How bad would it be this time? He tried not to think of his mother. Wolfgang braced himself, tomorrow if one of the teachers asked (not that they ever did) he would tell them he got in a fight with the older boys.
The smell of vodka was overwhelming, he couldn't breath, Help! Help! he wanted to cry out. Yet when he opened his eyes, his father's face was no longer his father's, but Sergi's mangled with bullets, brains dribbling out of the smashed up skull leering grotesquely. Wolfgang screamed.
Kala woke with a shout, drenched with sweat, and tangled hopelessly in a white duvet. Wolfgang was laying beside her shaking violently, still asleep.
"Wolfgang, wake up." She whispered. "Its not real, I'm here." With a courage she didn't know she had, she reached out and gently laid a hand on his naked back, all blue shadows and sharp dark ridges.
It was only when they touched that the perfect illusion of her being with him was broken. While she could feel the cool sweat on his skin, the strong lines of his shoulders, something was missing - a certain indelible feeling of reality.
"Wolfgang." She whispered again. He did not wake, but stilled and exhaled softly once under her touch. He was sprawled on his stomach, like he had been the second time he visited her, hands clenched into fists at his sides. He must be tired, she thought, she somehow knew he was usually a light sleeper, tense, always ready to leap into action. A bottle of sleeping medication by his bedside caught her eye and the sight of it softened the tight knot of anger she kept buried in her.
Cautiously, she lay on her side facing him, the moonlight from the window settling on his strong jawline, straight nose. For moments she didn't dare move just carefully memorizing his features, how many people got to see him like this? The little crease between his eyebrows relaxing, eyelashes that were nearly as long as hers fluttering slightly, soft even puffs of air now coming from his parted lips.
Kala shivered slightly at this, realized her hand was still on his back, and quickly removed it. Who was the pervert now? She asked herself chagrinned. She was suddenly aware of her appearance in a way that she never was around Rajan. Aware because she could feel the warmth of his body through the thin cotton camisole she slept in, feel his breath tickle the hairs on her arm.
She had never been in a man's bed before. She had kissed a few boys while in university, but it had never gone further than that. Not because she was a prude. OK maybe because she was a bit of a prude, but mostly because none of them had fascinated her in the way her chemistry textbooks had. Kisses were nice, but they never compared to the thrill of solving a problem in the lab. Or at least they hadn't. She flushed remembering the contrasting roughness of his cheek under her fingers and the softness of his mouth.
He had been holding back with her, she could sense that, the impression of great tenderness and even greater restraint. Giving her the gentle first kiss, he thought she deserved, aware of her inexperience, just barely running the tip of his tongue over her lip before he wrenched away from her. The second time, it was rougher more fervent, but rushed, almost impersonal - his mind by necessity elsewhere.
She wondered what it would be like to kiss him now. Would he push her away? Or would he give in, uninhibited by sleep, make good on the offer that was in his eyes when he first appeared in her bed. She could not help the warmth that spread through her body at that thought. Squirmed slightly as a little tingle started in her legs. Wolfgang shifted, his lower back flexing, and let out a contented sigh. He had sweet little dimples on either side of his spine right where it met his pelvis.
You are not helping, she told him silently, and then fondly added 'my demon' before remembering she was supposed to be angry with him.
It would do no good to wake him. She knew he would not take sleeping pills unless he was truly desperate. The cluster had felt, try as he might to hide it, the racking terror and guilt he felt when Felix developed a phlegmy cough, and of course the nightmares that plagued him.
She stayed only a moment longer, stealing her courage to run a gentle hand over his short hair, before she awoke in Mumbai, sunlight coming through her window onto her pillow surrounded by her handwritten lab notes.
As was her habit she made her way to the Temple of Ganesha before work, stopping to kiss her father on the cheek as he stirred vats of sauces in the restaurant kitchen. When she approached the steps she had to swallow the fear that had dogged her since Rajan's father's attack. The temple was blissfully empty, or as empty as any place in Mumbai could be.
The combined anxiety over Will and Felix from the cluster had made it hard to focus, hard to maintain her positive energy. Often it felt like it fell on her and Capheus to keep them all from spiralling into depression. Even Lito, who was usually a good time, was depressed. She had sat with him, as she got ready for the day, and he slumped on the couch with the television blaring, two attractively made up news anchors discussing the recently leaked photos of him and Hernando.
"Its, like you aren't even a person." She breathed, as their discussion shifted to whether he still was a good contender for GQ Latino Sexiest Man of the Year.
"I am not." Lito shrugged. "I am an actor." But Kala could feel his humiliation at having his and Hernando's private life splashed all over crap day-time talk shows.
Feel his repressed fury, when his director called him to tell him that he was sorry Lito my dear, you know how I value our working relationship, but the film had been put on hold. She could also feel his joy at having Hernando back, the tenderness in his expression as he watched him puttering around the kitchen, glasses adorably askew.
"...You know I have always felt like he was slightly unconvincing in those big macho leading man roles he played. I think he really stood out in his more sensitive parts..."
"Vete a la verga!" Shouted Daniela and Hernando in outraged unison at the TV screen. Lito sighed and switched the channel.
"Is your family talking to you yet?" asked Kala.
Lito sighed again. "No, but I didn't expect them too. All they wanted for me was to become an actor, to move into a big house, live a better life then them. And now I throw it away for nothing."
"For love." Kala corrected. "And you have not thrown your career away, things will just be different, not worse."
Lito had nodded absently at this. But she felt his doubts as if they were her own. Was it worth it? Lito felt nothing but warmth and certainty as he watched Hernando, now gesticulating wildly as Daniela laughed at what ever story he was telling, but was it enough? He could almost feel the heaviness of his sacrifice, this choice, this bulky thing sitting between him and Hernando.
That worry was in both their hearts. "In the movies," Lito continued as she returned to brushing her hair, both of them in her bathroom because Lito did not want Hernando to hear him voicing his doubts, "In the movies, love always wins, good guy beats bad guy, and wins the girl. Or maybe good guy dies tragically in girls arms, or maybe his evil twin does, point is, in the movies I am in, that's what happens."
Lito unconsciously checked himself out in the mirror. "I am getting fat." He whined.
"I don't get your point." Said Kala fighting to pull the brush through a knot at the bottom of her hair.
"The point, the point is, that the good guy never gets with the other good guy." And with that, he was gone, but not before she saw the glistening of tears in his eyes.
It was with him in mind that she began her prayer to Ganesha, remover of obstacles. Music hummed softly in her periphery, and finally, sitting cross-legged on the bamboo mat, she felt some measure of peace.
When she finished her prayer, it became clear that the quiet music she was hearing did not come from the bells in the temple, but a pair of blue headphones somewhere on the North Atlantic Ocean. The minimalist guitar chords seemed incongruous with the opulence of the temple, but not necessarily incompatible.
Riley, looking pale and exhausted, wrapped in a rough grey fishing sweater followed her up the stairs to her rooftop hideaway.
"I'm sorry," she said "I didn't mean to distract you from your prayer, I am just going insane on this boat."
"Its alright." replied Kala. "How is Will?"
"Not good, but not worse." Kala watched him through Riley's eyes, ashen and limp in the bunk across from hers. "I can't keep him awake long enough to feed him much, mostly just calorie replacement drinks I found in the ambulance. He can be partially conscious for a few hours, to go to the washroom and stuff, but he is never really here, you know."
Kala nodded. " Are the exercises I looked up helping?" After 3 days of almost no movement, Will's muscles had begun to atrophy, sending him into violent shivers and agonizing pain. Kala cursed herself in situations like this for pursuing a Ph.D in Organic Chemistry instead of a medical degree. She had done her best, looking up some of her university friends that had gone on to medical school and asking for advice while being as vague as possible.
"Yes, thank God," Riley twisted her hands together. "He is still wasting away though. He used to be so strong."
Kala gripped her hand. "We will fix it, I promise."
Riley bit her lip and nodded. Kala could not help but marvel at her strength, to be so young - she still felt like a little girl sometimes- and yet have endured so much tragedy.
"Stay here a little while," said Kala gently. Riley nodded, and leaned her head against Kala's shoulder. The two of them sat quietly, watching the distant thunderclouds that heralded the beginning of monsoon season, rolling in the distance.