Years have passed and I'm still living in Jotenheim.

I spent my time in long leisurely walks over the ice planes; where nature seems still untouched. Rough winds blow through my hair, and with every raging blow of the frosty breath the fresh snow gets dishevelled. The solitude that was accompanying me on those walks was different from the loneliness that I've felt in the marble halls of the shining city of Asgard. I felt free. I took in a deep breath and the fresh cold air is filling my lungs. I looked around and all I can see is white.
It reminded me of Asgard. And some kind of sadness filled my heart. It reminded me of white marble and the white pages of books – never read before. It reminded me of linen sheets safely wrapped around tangled limbs bathing in the morning sun.
White will always remind me of you.

I grew accustomed to living in Jotunheim. I got used to the people, the castle, the ice and snow, the customs, the traditions and my new family. I developed a rather close relationship with Helbindi my Brother in blood. We actually had much in common. It was nice to have someone that I could turn to, when the pressure of this new life, that I had to adapt to, got too hard.

Still – I felt the heaviness of an oncoming depression pressing on my chest. I felt the anger welling inside me; it was growing day by day. The painful thoughts of being so utterly neglected by people who once called them self my family was highly disturbing and wouldn't give me a single moment of peace. Even though I was happy with King Laufey and my Brother Helbindi, I just couldn't stop thinking about Asgard.

Golden hair, blue eyes and hands which would tenderly caress my cheek would haunt my dreams.
Every morning I would wake; soaked in cold sweat, tears in my eyes and your name just a whisper on my crisp lisps.

After some time Helbindi questioned me about my sleeping habits. But I didn't even have to tell him what was bothering me. It seemed that he noticed the dark circles under my eyes which spoke more of my horrible nights and my heart then I wanted to let on.
I know Helbindi meant well when he said I should move on and find a new love... but I doubt that I will ever love anybody with such a burning passion which I have felt for you. You filled me with feelings I have never felt before.

Love is such a cruelty. It is death to ones heart and mind. It makes us feels, makes us excited, makes us do and feel the weirdest things. I was,... I am in love. I will never stop being in love.
Now that all the love is drained from my black poisoned heart where did all those passionate feelings of affection go? You took them with you. Hide them away on the bottom of the deepest cave, never let me see them again. Let me rot with them. Let me die with the love we once shared and that will never be again.
But in my dreams we are together again and in those glorious unbelievable few moments I bath in your godly shining presence that cannot be compared to anything in the nine realms.
In my dreams your hand is caressing my cheek and I am able to feel your kiss again.
You are gentle and just a second before the cruelty of the world pulls me back I hear your voice whispering my name in the sweetest way.
Love is such a cruelty.

But still I was alive.

I guess that my beloved Oaf... and the other godly Idiots, those; narrow minded, blind to everything that is going on around them, golden, shining – good for nothing – heroes, who knows what for Gods! Oh, how I still abhor them all! ... Still; haven't realized that I was still alive.
I wished that Jormungard would swallow them all. I wished that they would just rot in his belly and with that - gave my mind some glorious peace. Ha! That would be just lovely.

''Loki? You have a mad grin on your face... What mischief are you planning? Should I run and hide?''
''Are you trying to be funny Helbindi?''
''I'm sorry Brother. Tell me,.. What were you thinking about? ''
''You know me... Just how to best take over a realm with less physical strain, how to avoid stress, what to eat for lunch... oh yes and my sexual frustrations of late.''
''Oh! Do you miss Thor? Oh and let me know about that... what was it .. taking over another realm thingy.. Sounds interesting.''
I shook my head at him, but we both couldn't hold back laughter at our rather stupid conversation.
After we calmed down I realized that my Brother was looking at me a somewhat serious expression.
''So.. do you miss him?'' He asked me.
I tried to avoid his gaze.
''You know you can tell me everything, Loki.''
I tried to burn holes into the wall opposite me, just to avoid his gaze, which I knew was still fixed upon me.
''I know you pretty well by now. You do miss him. And even though you say that you hate the Aesir, you love them... And that's ok, Loki. You grew up there. They are your family. If you miss them just say so. If you miss Frigga, Odin and Thor say so. But don't just sit there and stare...''
I interrupted him ''They are not my family! You are my family. I am a Jotun. I never was one of the Aesir! They lied to me,... my whole life was filled with lies! How can you say it's ok?! Nothing is ok!
Yes, yes I'll admit I miss Thor. More than I ever thought possible. And it hurts! It hurts that nobody is looking for me! That ... he... is not looking for me. Are you happy now?''
''Actually, yes.''
I stared at him. Wide eyed and mouth slightly agape. ''Excuse me?''
''Well you will be pleased as well I hope when I tell you that an Asgardien Ambassador, with cohort, is going to visit us tomorrow to welcome our new Prince, and that Odin and Father are going to meet for peace negotiations in the following month.'' He was so overly enthusiastic about this topic that he seemed to jump up and down on his seat in a child-like eagerness.
''I think I'm going to be sick.''
''With happiness I hope...''
''No definitely not... Are you kidding me? They will visit tomorrow and you decided to tell me now? Now, that I've told you about my ill feelings towards all those godly oafs?''
''And your wounded heart, your longing to see Thor again and ...''
He moved towards me, took me into his arms and hugged me close. ''...Oh my poor brother... your love, so far away, but do not fret! I will help ...''
''If you say one more word, I'll rip out your tongue and eat it for lunch.'' I smirked and playfully glared at him. ''Now that sounds disgusting, even for you Brother.''

I hugged him back and moved back a little to free myself from his crushing embrace.
''I'm sorry Helbindi. But you know I do not like to talk about this.''
I moved his head to one side, so it looked as if it laid on his shoulder.
''I knooow, but what will you do if Thor is the Asgardien Ambassador? Wouldn't you like to see him again? What if was looking for you all this time? Aren't you excited?''
''It seems to me that you are more excited than me.''
Helbindi threw his head back and laughed out loud. He put his hands on his waist. After collecting himself he spoke again ''It seems so indeed! I have to admit; I am very excited.''
I shook my head. ''How comes everybody gets so thrilled when something happens to me. Sometimes it seems that I just have to enter the room and everybody's eyes are fixed on me like they are waiting for me to do or say something?!'' I couldn't hold back the laughter anymore. This whole topic seemed utterly ridiculous to me.
Helbindi grinned. ''Well you know we do not really have that much entertainment here in Jotenheim. I am sure you have discovered that by now. When you, the poor, banished, lost, little prince, have returned, that was quite some excitement. I guess that everybody is waiting for another wonder for you to perform.''
''Oh, well, I'll try my best. I guess I should read up on that; something like; how to perform wonders or something?''
''That will do nicely.'' Helbindi grinned.
'' And I was never poor, lost or LITTLE! I'm royal and great. I am still the God of mischief. How, in Hel's name, can anyone think of ME as lost and little?!'' I exclaimed in playful anger.
''Haha! I knew that would drive you mad!''

Our brotherly bickering continued for quite some time but after discussing such very 'serious matters of great importance' we decided to move to the throne room. I wanted more information, about the following day and the Asgardien Ambassador, which I was quite sure my father could provide.

As it seemed he indeed awaited us already.
He sat on his throne and as we entered through the huge doors he greeted us both with a smile.
''I was waiting for you. Helbindi told you about the Asgardien Party that is going to visit us tomorrow?''

The throne room was an immensely large room, probably the largest hall in the entire castle.
Held up by immensely huge walls and pillars, floor and ceiling made of ice, the hall was glistering in dark and light blue.
The walls made out of thick bricks of ice, were shining in the most beautiful dark blue when the sun was reflected in them.
The large windows let through not only the frosty breath of Jotenheim but also the radiant glow, the few warming beams of sun.

''Yes indeed, he told me. That is why I've come. I've hoped you might tell me more about this.''
''Of course Loki. Come. Sit with me my sons. I hope that we can talk about tomorrow and what might follow.''
Helbindi stepped forward ''Of course father.''
We followed Laufey to a little group of chairs.

After a short moment of silence Laufey seemed to decide that it was time to start the discussion.
''I got a message.''

We both stared at him and waited for him to continue.

''I got a message from Odin.'' His gaze was suddenly fixed on me. ''It seems that they know of the new Prince of Jotenheim. Your mysterious and sudden appearance seemed to make quite the turmoil. That seemed reason enough for the Aesir to show interest in Jotenheim again and in negotiation.''
Laufey fell silent for a moment before continuing. It seemed that he had to collect his thoughts.
''Somehow it is a blessing... On the other hand I don't know how you feel about being so exposed to the Aesir. It is very unexpected I have to admit. But I have to admit that peace with Asgard is something that I have desired for such a long time. Not only for myself, but also for my people... for Jotenheim. We have seen far too many wars... too much death; too much blood has been spilled. ''

Helbindis hand fell heavy on the table in front of us. ''Father! Those are great news! Do not let your heart be clouded with heavy feelings of sadness or uncertainty! I'm sure that the outcome of this negotiation will be fortunate! Do you not think so too Loki?!''

I was snapped out of deep thoughts of doubt and fear by Helbindis enthusiasm. ''Yes. Yes of course. It is just like Laufey said... I am just a bit afraid of seeing them again. How will they react upon seeing me again? I don't even know how I might react... Did they mention who they will send for this great matter?'' I was not afraid of talking about feelings with Laufey and my brother. I didn't feel fear of rejection or being laughed at like I sometimes felt at Asgard. I knew that they took me serious and that they would listen.

Laufey nodded, ''They did mention it...''

I understood immediately. They would send Thor.

''Of course! Who else would they send!? I am cursed... I must be! That is just horrible!'' I exclaimed while jumping up from my chair and started pacing around the great hall. I didn't stop my mumbling while I was walking around in a nervous fast pace and was trying to rip out my dishevelled black hair.

Laufey and Helbindi watched with a worried expression.
''We should talk to him.'' Laufey said, obviously worried about the disturbing behaviour of his youngest son. He knew, of course, about the obsessive love that Loki still felt for the God of Thunder.
''Let him walk a bit. He will calm down... I hope.''

TBC