AN: This is a surprising amount of fun! Hee hee...Never thought writing these two together would be a blast...And this will be M; I got a spicy epilogue planned...

Chapter 2

"You may enter the cave of the Warlock of Technology."

Derek rolled his eyes at Lynch's greeting and opened the door. "Hey."

Lynch's eyes grew so large, they were clearly visible over his black plastic frames. "A-agent Morgan. This is a surprise. I take it this is not a social call?"

"It's about Penelope," Derek answered obviously. There was little love lost between the two men.

He gave Derek a highly unpleasant smirk along with a slight roll of his eyes. "Well, that's apparent—she's the only thing we have in common."

Derek want to tighten the magenta and brown checked tie around Lynch's neck. "She's not a thing, Lynch."

"Calm down, agent; I didn't mean it like that," Kevin said, raising his hands in defense. "Sheese. Don't be so sensitive."

Again, Derek wanted to throttle him. What a stupid, unthinking comment...typical.

That seemed to summarize what was happening with Lynch: when it came to Penelope, he didn't think. He never thought about what she wanted, what she needed, or how his comments would affect her. Penelope wasn't overly sensitive about Kevin's comments and gave him a wide berth. She even defended him on a regular basis.

Derek thought that needed to stop...immediately. It should've stopped four years ago.

"Lynch, I think the problem we have here is that you aren't sensitive enough when it comes to Penelope's feelings." Derek moved an empty hamburger wrapper off of a chair and took a seat.

Kevin's eyes narrowed. "Agent Morgan, I don't think I need you to tell me-"

Derek's look silenced him. "When my best friend cries to me about feeling inadequate as a woman because of your ridiculous, poorly planned gifts—every fucking one of them—then hell, yes, I need to tell you."

"I…I'm…" he sputtered.

"I am here to try and fix that," Derek said coolly, "and I am only giving you one shot, so listen up."

"I'll listen," he said quietly.

Derek noticed that Lynch looked amazingly contrite. He looked upset, unhappy, and very sad. His eyes were watering. Good God…he wasn't going to cry, was he? Derek did NOT want him to cry.

Begrudgingly, Derek muttered, "You okay?"

Kevin swallowed hard. "I made my girlfriend cry when I tried to please her, so in answer to your question: no, I am not okay." He looked up over at Derek with those misery-soaked eyes. "I do love her, Agent Morgan."

A lump formed in Derek's stomach the size of a healthy red apple. In all of the thinking he'd done in this, he'd been so outraged for Penelope that he hadn't thought about this part of it. He planned on rattling this nerd's cage and giving a few tidbits of advice. Now…shit. He felt kind of guilty.

Kinda.

"Listen, Lynch," Derek began. "You just need to think about what a girl like Penelope would want for a gift."

"I do."

Derek arched his brow at him. "A Sandwich-O-Matic?"

Kevin raised his chin defiantly. "It is the number one sandwich making machine in the country. No kitchen is complete without one. Wives, mothers—"

"Wives and mothers, maybe," Derek interrupted with a laugh. "I am even questioning the wife part. No wife of mine would get a sandwich maker as a gift from me."

"Why?"

"Lynch, there is nothing sexy or sweet about a damned sandwich maker."

Derek could see the wheels turning in Kevin's head, before he replied, "Oh."

Clapping Lynch on the shoulder encouragingly, he stood up to leave. "There you go. Now, think before you buy the next thing."

As he turned to leave, he heard Kevin say, "What should I get her?"

Derek turned back. "You know what she likes."

Kevin was shaking his head emphatically. "No. No, I don't."

He opened the door for a quick escape. "Yeah, you do."

"I don't. I don't have your expertise with women," Lynch drawled with a slight smile.

That was damned obvious. "You'll do fine."

"I won't," Kevin replied stubbornly. "Agent Morgan, you even said 'every…um…f-ing one' of my gifts have been poor."

Derek paused and closed his eyes. Damn, damn, damn.

"Please," Kevin pleaded. "I am begging you to help me."

Hell, no. He wasn't crazy. He was not going to do this. He didn't even like Lynch.

Derek leveled his gaze at him. "Lynch, you need to do this on your own."

"I want her to be happy, Agent," Kevin whispered. "Just like you do."

Oh, the little bastard put the nail in Derek's coffin with that one! Lynch knew exactly what to say at that moment, the one thing that would make Derek stay.

He wasn't stupid about everything, was he? Derek thought to himself.

Derek shut the door with a click, and glared at Kevin. "Okay, Lynch…for her sake, I am helping you. You better take damn good notes, because this is a once in a lifetime thing."

Kevin nearly squealed with excitement. "Thank you!"

"Don't thank me," he snapped. "Just listen."

Lynch grinned at him. "Wow…I am going to learn some of Cassanova's secrets from the man himself!"

"Shut up," Derek said dully.

"I'll be like Valentino…or 007…or Usher, even!" he gushed. "She'll love it!"

Derek gave him a deadly look. "Lynch, one more word, and you won't need to fix a damn thing…."

Kevin blinked. "Yes, sir."

"All right," Derek said. "Let's get down to business."

"What do I do first?" Kevin asked eagerly.

Derek groaned. Here goes nothing…

He leaned forward, and said point blank, "First thing you're going to do is make amends…"