AN: Lots of love and thanks goes out to lulabelle98 for beta-ing. Go check out her new drabble fic 'A Healing Touch' and all her other fics at http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/~lulabelle98 and follow her on twitter: lulabelle98.
Thank you also to mira18ish for pre-reading. Both of you make this one heck of a lot easier and better. ;)
I do not own these characters. Stephenie Meyer owns everything.
I own nothing but the story line. No copyright infringement intended.
It seems like you're wired, to stay here held in time,
Cos nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing's gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.
Holes Inside - Joe Brooks
Chapter 1 - Holes Inside.
February 2007
Bella.
The teacher yells. I nod.
He yells louder. I block him out.
He thinks I'm listening. He shouldn't waste his breath, I think.
He's yelling because I wasn't paying attention, again... I other teacher wouldn't care, but of course Mr Angry-Pants has to live up to his conventional name and show me what he's got. Seriously, get your panties sorted out dude.
He gives up his lecture and hands me a detention slip.
'Monday, 3-4pm. DON'T BE LATE.'
Once again, another person who doesn't realize that this is my last day here. Invisible. At least I won't have to put up with Mr Angry-Pantiesin detention.
Class dismissed. Thank fucking God.
Another day, another drag. I walk the corridors between my final lessons, trying to find a safe place where I won't get pushed into a locker that is entirely too small to hold my bag, let alone myself. The school is too small to fit the two and a half thousand students in, but hey ho, I guess no one cares about personal space anymore, right?
No one notices me as I squeeze through the crowd. Being invisible is sometimes better than being seen around this place. I get pushed around a lot, like usual, but I don't fall. Today I'm standing my ground.
People talk. People kiss. People fight.
The popular boys are pushing the popular girls up against the wall and sucking on their necks. The girls' faces prove to everyone that they are enjoying it and want every to see this PDA scene. To me it's disgusting.
GET. A. ROOM.
The nerds are pushing through the group of people with stacks of books under their arms. Each one of them are either wearing glasses or braces. Two of them have both. No one notices them either, but some for some reason they still smile and walk past in their little posse without being disturbed by any of the big guys.
The drama group is hanging around one section of lockers. The girls swirl their hair every two seconds, trying to get the attention of the skater boys. They, however, are too rolled up in their own world of cigarettes, boards and of course, piercings.
Today, at least the large jocks are picking on someone else rather than me. Maybe I might be able to go one day without bruising. I see one of the new kids having some sort of drink thrown over his head by the jocks. I feel sorry for him, but I mostly just feel glad that it isn't me.
Even though I think that most of these groups are disgusting, at least they have friends; a group of people who will stick up for them. I have Alice. That's it.
Just one hour left of hell, or fifty-nine and a half minutes if I wanted to be precise.
I finally push my way through to my locker. It's one of the smallest ones on the school site.
Just one more hour left, I remind myself.
I stuff my bag with the two books I need for my last lesson and a bottle of water before heading off to my last lesson. English.
Thankfully, English is starting on time today for once. Mr I-Can't-Read-A-Clock has unfortunately broken his leg. Our new substitute teacher thankfully can remember what time the lesson starts. I'm grateful for once. English is the only bearable lesson, with the only bearable person in the school; Alice.
I look up as I walk through the door of the class and meet the eyes of one of the only two people who actually give a shit about me anymore. She scoots over and pulls out the chair next to her, and with an unconvincing smile on her face, she looks at me.
"You have just one hour left, Bells. Might as well make it a good one."
I chuckle and sit down next to her. As always, she tries to make something good out of a bad situation.
Alice isn't like me. Though we are best friends, she has other friends. Friends that think I'm too weird to even be considered an acquaintance. To most people, I'm just a stranger or 'that girl'.
The lesson starts once everyone is seated.
Mrs Substitute talks. No one listens.
She gives us work. No one does it.
Igrab some paper from my notebook. I write.
Alice takes my notebook and pulls out a piece for herself. This is our usual routine.
We scribble for the rest of the hour. We don't need words or soppy goodbyes. We know what the other one is thinking; like sisters, telepathic. She knows I won't talk about leaving, or home, or any of that stuff unless I'm having a real breakdown. Today I'm writing random lyrics and for once they aren't depressing.
"I have something for you," she says as she pulls out a box from her book bag.
As she looks up at me, I realize I'm probably giving her the evils. I hate presents and she knows it.
"I know you hate them, but I'm not going to see you for months. So it's just something to remember me by."
She hands me the box and smiles sheepishly, as if she's been caught doing something she shouldn't. I tryto return the gesture.
She knows it's fake.
Something shines from inside the box but I don't look at it. Sparkly, silver in color and inside of a black velvet box? Yeah, definitely expensive.
I close the lid and stuff it in my bag.
I think I thanked her. I hope I did.
"I'll remember you anyway, Alice." I shrug. She just smiles like always. It's kind of annoying.
I look back down at my notebook and start writing again. She slides her piece of paper over towards me.
This time, I smile.
And she knows it's real.
This is real. Us. Our friendship.
Class is dismissed. School is dismissed. I'm dismissed from my final class at this hell-hole of a school.
We're standing in the crowded car lot. Everyone is walking around us but no one is giving us any attention.
"You have to ring me," she pleads, but her eyes are serious. "Every single week." I laugh at her persistence. She's holding onto me as if her life depends on it.
"Bella, I'm serious. I know you." I smile, a real one too, and roll my eyes. "And skype. I have to see the rainy place." She giggles. "Oh, and talk to your dad about me visiting in the holidays. Okay?"
I nod. I'll miss her.
We hug. I'll miss this.
She cries. She'll miss me.
And I die a little more inside.
This is it. This is goodbye.
For now.
"Love you, Bella," she says, squeezing me so tight I can hardly breathe.
I chuckle under my breath. "Spring break, okay? I'll see you spring break." I smile again, looking into her eyes.
She nods enthusiastically. "I love you too, smiley." I laugh and give her one last hug before she runs toward her school bus that is just about to leave.
Swapping sun for rain.
Swapping Mom for Dad.
Swapping nothing for hopefully something.
There's nothing left here for me. Except Alice. But even she isn't enough to make me stay.
All the pain, all the problems, they all started here. And though I wish they would just end here- end tomorrow when I jump on that plane- I know they won't. I know that more pain is going to follow. More hurt, more tears, more blood. It's how my life works. Pain, pain, pain.
There are only two people in my life who actually want me. I'm moving away from one of them to live with the other. How fucked up is that? I actually have to choose one over the other.
I have to stand here in the car lot, saying goodbye to the only person that actually makes me feel a teeny bit better. At the same time, my whole life is crumbling while those that walk past me decide which party they're going to fucking attend this weekend. And whether or not they're going to spend their time drinking, dancing or fucking.
She turns around once she's on the steps of the bus and waves over the heads of the other students. "Promise me you'll text me when you land?" she yells, just so I can hear.
I give her a thumbs up and reply, "I promise!" She smiles and turns to take her seat on the bus.
I promise.
~LLWD~
The door slams sometime around ten. I'm in my room finishing off my packing. I don't need to see go downstairs to know who it is. It's him.
His feet start stomping up the stairs loudly. I push my bag under my bed, bracing myself for the impact.
He's near. He's coming.
My door opens, and sure enough, he's standing there ready. His expression is in between furious and sadistic and my heart, like always, skips a beat; the scared little girl coming back to me.
"UP!" he demands, and I don't even want to think what would happen if I ignore him. He slams my door behind him, making the empty shelves shiver, and then smiles crookedly, almost evilly, at me.
He quickly paces toward me, only just giving me a chance to stand. I back up and he pushes me against the wall. My eyes automatically shut tight.
Just one last time Bella. Then it'll be over.Soon.I tell myself this over and over again. I try to believe my own words but I can't.
My head searches for something to think about other than the torture. The only I hope I can think of is tomorrow.
Tomorrow. It'll be better tomorrow. I'll have Charlie.
Charlie isn't like this. Charlie is a real dad, my dad, and he hugs me and smiles that old worn smile that I love and miss so much. Charlie buys me clothes and cooks shitty meals that I appreciate even though I want to throw up afterwards. Charlie offers me a home when he finds out I get abused in my other one, and he doesn't ask questions, but instead makes me feel welcome and safe about coming to live with him.
Charlie is my hope. Charlie is tomorrow.
But Charlie isn't here yet.
Phil, on the other hand, is.
My eyes are still shut tight, but the tears manage to find a way to escape. I can't see anything. But I can feel it all.
He's grabbing at my jeans, ripping them down my legs. I want to kick him. I want to get out of this mess but he's grabbing onto me so tightly. I cry, sobs heaving through my chest over and over again. I feel sick. I'm going to be sick. I can't.
Renee isn't home yet. It would be worse if she was. Much worse.
I don't fight him. My past tells me not too, it just makes it longer, harder and more painful. I don't want to make him angrier. He keeps going. I cry louder. The tears fall down my cheeks and wet my t-shirt.
He pulls and shoves me towards the wall. Then towards the bed. He undoes his belt and pulls his own jeans down. His fists bury into my hips. It hurts. It stings.
He hasn't shaved today; the rough stubble on his cheek runs across my neck. I swallow. He feels it and pushes against me harder. I scream, but it's no use. No one can hear me.
I should be used to it by now. The amount of times it's happened should have worn out the shock I feel at least a little bit. Most days it happens, but each time it's just as bad as the last. He pushes me harder and it kills me.
It's amusement for him. Entertainment of some sort. Relief? Fuck, I don't know.
It's pain.
It's rape and it's pain.
It hurts and only I can feel it. Only I can feel him pressing against me. Only I can feel him rubbing across my skin, and the bruises he may be leaving behind. AndI'm the only one who feels him push himself into me.
That's his 'target'. But for me it's the new sob that heaves through my chest. It's the pain that rips through every single vein in my body. It's the shock. It's the tears. It's the memories; the cutting, the hurt, and the little girl who had to watch her big brother get run over. It's the building yourself and up and getting pushed back down again. It's everything. Everything and nothing. All at the same time.
Time passes and more tears fall. He pushes. He pulls. He hits me and bruises me, and I know this one is going to as well as he slaps my cheek. Then he finishes and leaves. The door shuts loudly on his way out. He leaves me standing by my bed with a tear-stained face and my jeans hanging around my ankles.
He leaves me broken, weak and vulnerable. I fall down. I break. It's routine. It's life. It's my life.
I go to the bathroom. The tears have stopped, but only because I know what comes next.
I strip and step under the water. A razor finds its way into my hand and my arm is just waiting patiently for the slice. I cut. The blood drips as soon as the blade gets through the skin. It drips into the bottom of the tub and I repeat the same action, just above the last one. It hurts like a bitch.
I wince.
But at least I feel something other than the numbness.
I feel content.
It's an addiction, but it's my sort of therapy. No one understands that it helps me get away, that it helps me make sure I don't break down in front of everyone.
I wash my hair, strawberry. It makes me feel a bit better. It makes me smell sweet. I wrap the towel around me, my wet hair dripping down my back, bare feet padding against the tiled flooring. I don't look in the mirror on the way out. I know what there is and I don't need to see any more than I have to.
Bruises; blue, purple, black. You name a color. I bet I can find one. Cuts;old, new, deep. You want to see the proof?
I'm sore. My pelvis aches from the roughness of the last one. He was forceful and violent and it hurts. Not just on the inside, but physically too. I don't want to even think about checking though.
I slip into the pyjamas I left out for my final night and snuggle under my covers, pulling my laptop out. Tomorrow I'll be somewhere completely different. It will be completely different.
I don't want to leavePhoenix. Fuck yes, I need to leave Renee and Phil. But the sun, Alice. I'm not going to find that all up in Washington State.
I have an email waiting for me. It's Dad. It's Charlie.
'Hey Bells. Tomorrow's thebig day, huh? Can't believe it!
Your bed is made and your room is waiting. I hope it's okay. It's Riley's old room from before you were born. He'd love for you to have it.
I went up to Forks High last week, already enrolled you, and they said you can start Monday seeing as it's already half way through the semester. I know it won't give you long to adjust, but I thought school might help you get settled in with everyone around town?
You know Jacob Black? He lives next door. You used to play together when you were little. Big boy now! Very nice. He lost his mother last year, Sarah. You remember her? His father, Billy, is now in a wheelchair. He's one of my best friends. Anyway, just thought I'd tell you that, so you know you're not a stranger to everyone around here. (:
Anyway, this is one of the first times I've ever sent an email. I thought it would be easier to type it all rather than ring you. Knowing me I'd forget all of this. Jake helped me send this email. Believe me; don't trust me with electronics unless it's the TV.
Hope you have a safe flight! I'll be waiting for you in the arrivals lounge. 1 p.m? You'll get to see my police cruiser.
Can't wait to see you.
Dad xx'
My eyes water while I read his words. He fucking loves me, and just that fact makes me want to believe that it's all going to be okay. I gave up believing in anything a long time ago. But Char- Dad- will make it okay. Safe.
I have always just wished that I could wake up and be normal, with a big happy family in a glorious gated community where I didn't have to worry about a single thing. But that was never going to happen. Wishes - at least mine - never come true.
Over the years, I've told Charlie as much as I could. He knows. Some of it, but not all, and definitely not in detail. I don't have the guts to tell him everything. I just don't have the confidence to tell him. He knows that Renee and I hate each other's guts because she took me away from the only two boys I've ever loved. And he knows that I get bullied at school. But I have never told him about the rape or the cutting. I haven't seen him in four years. Four years. Thank God for emails and phones.
I just hope he never has to find out. It may crush meto be the one who gets all of this shit, but he's the one that has no control over saving me. He would have tried. I know Charlie and he would have tried. He would have saved me if he could. But I couldn't and he can't, and he probably never will. It's not his fault; it's just how life works out.
Most of the changes in my life have been bad. Hopefully this will be one of the few good ones. I smile. Change for good.Never heard that one before.
I lock my bedroom door and scramble back into bed, picking up my laptop and creating a new email.
'Hi Charlie.'
Charlie? Seriously, Bella? You expect him to take you into his heart, into his house,and then call him Charlie rather than Dad? Seriously?
Okay. Scratch that. Start again.
'Hi Dad.'
Much better.
'I know; tomorrow and I'm out of this place! You don't know how much of a relief it is. I appreciate the room and the school situation. Thank you.
I remember Jake; he was the tanned one from La Push, right? We used to play on the beach together I think? It'll be good to hear from him again. Does he go to Forks high? I hope Billy is holding up well.
Sorry to hear about Sarah. Is she in Forks Cemetery too? Could we possibly visit there tomorrow? It's been four years since I've seen you or Riley.
Anyway, I'm going to sleep now. Not long left.
See ya tomorrow, 1.00 p.m.
Bells.'
Send.
I shut down my laptop, a birthday present from Alice's parents, and stuff it into the top of my suitcase. I slip back under covers and snuggle into my pillow. Tears slip down my cheeks, but they aren't like the usual heavy sobs that come most nights. It's happened so many times that I just try to block it all out and forget.
Tonight is different. There is a feeling lurking inside me; not hope, not pain. Just life. It's frightening.
But for the first time in years, I fall asleep knowing tomorrow may be different.
~LLWD~
I wake by myself, without the help of the daily alarm. I smile as I stretch out. Today is going to be different.
I shower, and for once my blood remains in my veins intact, without having to be drained inside of the tub.
One showercut free... let's see how long this lasts.
I brush my teeth. I don't want breakfast.
Wash my face, no make-up. Never make-up. I don't want to feel like those girls who walk around sucking the faces of the boys in the school corridors.
Hoodie, jeans and boots. Though I feel boiling hot now, I've already checked Washington's temperature. And it doesn't look nice.
~LLWD~
8 a.m.
My flight leaves at 11.30.
I grab my bags and scan the room for anything else that I need. I think I have it all. Renee is taking me to the airport in her small KIA. My suitcase barely fits in the trunk.
We don't talk during the journey. She looks anything but happy. But inside I bet she's jumping for joy that I'm finally leaving.
Or maybe not. I'm forgetting that I'm her entertainment. She's losing her toy.
She pulls into the drop off point at Phoenix Sky Harbour International Airport. I never understood why they needed such a long name and couldn't just settle with Phoenix airport. I start to get out of the car so I can grab fm bag, but I'm halted by a sudden pull at my jumper.
She leans forward, pulling her to me. Her face is in mine. Her eyes are evil. She doesn't have the eyes of a caring mother. She doesn't have the sensitivity of a loving wife... I hate her.
I give her the same look back to show her how much I despise her.
"You dare tell shit to anyone. We'll get you," she says, just before spitting in my face.
Lovely.
"Especially Charlie." She laughs humourlessly, pushing me away.
I pull my suitcase out from the back and sling my rucksack on my shoulder. I wipe her spit away from my cheek as her car accelerates away.
Finally I feel a bit better. I won't have to see that witch ever again. Or her husband.
That thought alone makes me smile. A real one too.
~LLWD~
"Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, the fasten seat belts sign is now on. Please make your way back to your seats and fasten your seatbelts. We should be arriving in the next twenty minutes."
Out of the window, only the sight of clouds is visible. It's horrible, and the captain's next words make me feel even worse.
"The ground temperature in Seattle is approximately 51 degrees Fahrenheit, which is pretty average for February."
Average? 51 degrees? Howin the world am I supposed to live?
In Phoenix, you could barely walk around in jeans because it was too hot. How the hell was I supposed to cope? The February average for Phoenix is ten degrees higher than it is here. Ten degrees that I freakin' miss already.
The final twenty minutes doesn't seem to take that long. I search through my bag for a hat and some gloves, stuffing them into the pocket of my hoodie. After I grab my suitcase, I make my way toward the arrivals lounge. I was damn right earlier; it is freezing.
Through the small crowd of people waiting for their loved ones or their taxi clients, I see the top of Charlie's head. I smile as I look down at the floor, and walk towards him.
There is no screaming, no jumping for joy, and there are no tears. Yet.
We find each other and he pulls me into his arms, my dark brown hair falling over my face, and he squishes me into his chest awkwardly.
I'm concentrating on the warmth of the man hugging me. His big arms wrap around my shoulders as my head rests against his chest. He leans his head on top of mine and whispers, "Welcome home, Bells." He places a small kiss on my hair.
After a while of standing in the middle of the crowd in his embrace, he unwraps his arms from me and places his hands on my shoulders.
"You're here," he whispers as though he doesn't quite believe his own words. It makes me smile. "You're really here," he repeats.
Fingers that you wouldn't have thought were soft but actually are comfort my cheeks, wiping away the wetness which I didn't know had formed. Eyes that surprisingly look just like mine, large and brown, shimmer at me as though they're looking through me, rather than at me. And lips that lay just beneath a dark, neat moustache smile as though they have never smiled before. And it's contagious. It's real.
A suitcase that looks older than Charlie's and my age put together is wheeled toward the exit. Hands that are way too cold slip into soft black gloves. And ears that feel as though they're going to fall off get a woolly dark hat placed upon them.
And all is warm. All is good.
For now.
The cruiser looks new. White, black and smart. A surge of pride bursts through me as I think of my dad in this car driving around Forks. A respected man.
And as we drive down the dreary, wet roads of Washington, I don't feel as though I'm an abused seventeen year old. I don't feel as though only yesterday I was raped once again. And I definitely don't feel as though I have to self-harm myself to actually feel something other than pain.
I feel proud. But sadly, he's also the man whose ex-wife took both of his kids away. One of which he'll never get back.
~LLWD~
I think I fell asleep, either that or the drive was much shorter than I expected. But I had closed my eyes, I can remember that.
We're still driving. There are signs pointing to Forks Community Hospital and the library. I sit up. I guess we made it to Forks already.
"Nice sleep?" He looks down at me with a grin. It's fake. It doesn't reach his eyes.
I nod. It is surprisingly now warm in the car.
"You talk," he says, looking back at the road in front of him. It isn't a question. I'm pretty sure he knows I can talk. I spoke to him earlier on the journey here. He's just stating a fact, his face completely blank, but his eyes are hiding an emotion that looks a lot like pain.
I knew that look too well.
I'm confused. "Huh?"
His eyes are stuck on the road, mine are on him.
"In your sleep, you talk."
Shit.
He looks down toward my arm and I pull my sleeve down to my fingers, feeling self-conscious. Now he knows. But how much is he aware of?
"It's okay. You don't have to talk about anything," Charlie says while shrugging. He keeps his eyes on the road ahead.
He looks so hurt, like he almost wants to cry. But he holds it together and pulls into a small drive way.
At the end of the drive way is a small white two story house. Along the street there are many of the same kind. It has a wooden, white porch and small grass front lawn. The trees are big enough to make it look like the house is in the middle of the forest. They overshadow it. It is totally different to the house in Phoenix.
"I'll get your bag." Soft words come from his direction as he jumps out of the car. I can't tell what mood he is in, but I don't think it is as good a one as it had been. I follow him out of the car and walk behind him up the front porch steps. I feel out of place. As if I don't belong here.
Where the heck do I belong?
I follow him upstairs once inside of the house. It isn't as warm as the car had been, but it's more bearable than I expected.
"Uhm... well, this is your room. I cleaned most of Riley's stuff out. But the basics are still there." He shrugs, placing my suitcase by the bed. "That's your bathroom," he says, pointing around the corner and then looking back at me. "You can, uh, unpack. Then I'll take you to the cemetery and the diner for some steak?" I smile in agreement, and thank him.
He smiles back. It's fake. We are just going in circles.
What did I tell him about the cutting in my sleep? Or worse?
I open up my suitcase once I'm left alone. T-shirts, shorts, flip flops and barely anything warm. I reallyneed to go shopping.
It has started to rain outside; the sound of it pelting down on the roof is way too loud for me. I hate it but love it at the same time. It's weird and foreign to me.
I put everything away in the drawers and stuff my suitcase under the bed. I'm still wearing my hoodie and decide the best option is to put my only pair of boots on.
Downstairs, Charlie is talking on the phone to someone. I'm not really one to spy, but I seriously can't help thinking that he is talking about me. His words become louder, clearer, and I manage to pick up some of what he is saying.
"Yeah, I mean I don't know what to say to her Billy. It was all just coming out. And I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was that bad. I didn't know she was... ya' know?" he confesses. He runs his hands through his hair. He's facing away from me thankfully. "Yeah... really? ... That would be great... We'll be round around eleven... Okay, see ya Billy. Say hi to the boy for me," Charlie speaks into the handset before placing it down on the table.
"Bells? You ready?" he calls.
Now is my time to appear. I turn the corner of the room and walk in.
Older brown eyes meet my younger ones and they seem to smile at each other. Arms open and bodies are held. Words whisper into long brunette hair. "I'm here if you want to talk, Bells. You know that, right? I'm not going to judge you." And for once in my life, I have someone other than Alice comforting me.
Alice. Shit.
I run from his arms and sprint back up the stairs, searching through my rucksack for my crappy mobile that held only two contacts.
Alice.
Charlie.
Sad, I know. But they are the only ones I need.
'In Forks now. Fell asleep in the car and forgot to text you. It's raining already. Charlie is nice though. Miss you. Xx Bella'
Send.
I run back downstairs to where Charlie is standing. His confused eyes meet my apologetic ones as I realize he probably thought I was running away because of what he said.
"I had to text Alice. I promised her I would as soon as I landed, but I forgot," I say with a sheepish smile.
"It's okay. Come on, let's go."
And out we walk out of the door, into an environment where even Heaven cries.
Rain.
~LLWD~
"This is it," Charlie says, pointing to a gravestone in the grass. The greyish stone stands in the ground in a line of others just like it. Red and white roses are placed on the grass by the side of it. They don't look as though they have been there for long.
"Nearly ten years. Time has passed so quickly," Charlie says as we both stand staring at the grave.
"He would have been twenty four next month." I sigh, wiping a stray tear from my cheek. Charlie places his arm over my shoulder. His breathing is deep, as though he is thinking about something hard.
'Riley Swan.
3/25/1983 - 4/23/1997
Always protected those who he loved.
Now he is in the arms of protection.
Forever loved.'
His face turns to mine and I hear the words that I hadn't heard in years. "I love you Bella." He sighs as another tear falls down my face. I go to wipe it away with the back of my sleeve but he quickly gets there and wipes it away before I can.
"I may have lost him, but I'm not going to lose you too. You're here now. You're safe, you know that right?" he says as he rubs my upper arm.
I nod into his chest. Tears flow down my cheeks at full pelt now, and I'm not going to stop them.
"You don't have to talk about it now. But you know, if it helps, I can find someone for you to talk to. A counselor? We could get you into therapy? I don't mind. I just want to help you."
I look up and meet his gaze.
Thisis why I cut.
This is why no one understands.
They all think that professionals can help me. They all think I'd be better telling a random stranger my problems. My life.
No one gets it.
My head starts shaking furiously as I look up at him. Tears are coming even quicker now and it's hard to see. He tries to wipe them away and hush me but it isn't working. Instead, his warm arms wrap around me and he holds me.
He holds his daughter. He holds me and this is what I need.
I just need someone to love me.
"I'm not going to hurt you, Bella." Soft words echo in my ears. "I promise."
I take a deep breath and look up and away from him, and down at my dead brother who is buried six foot under the soil.
"It's not you I'm worried about," I whisper.
I kneel down and kiss my fingers before placing them on the gravestone head. Words leave my mouth but no sound accompanies them. "I miss you Riley,"I mouth before standing up again.
I haven't been here since I was thirteen. That was the last time I had seen my dad. It was six years after Riley died and the year before Renee got re-married. It was the year it had all started; being taken away from my father, the bullying, the rape...
Deep breaths, Bella. You can say this.It's only three words. Charlie hasn't heard them in years. You haven't said them in years. Come on...But I can't even convince myself anymore, so I go back to the previous subject, not moving my eyes from Riley.
"My life at Renee's has been hard, Dad. Like, I can't even say it to you, so how on earth am I meant to say it to a stranger who is probably only going to listen to my problems because they're being paid, not because they actually care? How am I meant to open up to someone I don't even know, when I can't even open up to my best friend or my own Dad?" I quickly say, trying to get it all out in one breath. Tears are about slip over the edge of my eye, but I hold it back, along with the sob threatening to crack in my chest.
Neither of us moves. We both stand there watching the wind blow through the grass, just staring at Riley's gravestone. I cy silently. He stands behind me, but even I can tell that tears are falling from his eyes too. It breaks my heart. My own father crying.
"You're my daughter. She doesn't deserve you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to prove to you what kind of a dad I can be," he says, pulling me toward his chest once again and kissing the top of my head. "I'm so sorry. I don't want you to hurt anymore, Bells. I have you now, I've got you," he whispers.
And all is calm.
The rain slowly stops. The wind steadies down, and the faint glimmer of the afternoon sun comes out from behind the clouds.
Today is different, but what about tomorrow? What about school and the bullies? The nightmares and the cutting?
It's all different, all new.
I now have someone who truly loves me, who truly cares and is going to try everything he can to show me just that.
But it isn't over; that lurking, that feeling of something more than all of this. The pain is still there.
It's still crushing me.
~LLWD~
"Charlie! Steak and cobbler like usual?" A woman with dark brown hair and some grey streaks stands by our table. She has a rough accent. I think she's from New York.
Charlie nods, smiles and hands her the menu back. I look down at mine and pick the first thing I lay eyes on.
"And who is this Charlie?" the lady asks him with raised eyebrows.
I want to roll my eyes but I don't. "This is Bella. My daughter," Charlie says with a big grin. He looks so... proud? My insides tickle. "She's come to live with me."
The lady gapes at me. Her mouth opens and her eyes widen. I smile shyly, but to be honest, it's a bit intimating.
"You're Bella! Charlie has told me so much about you! How do you like Forks?" she asks, completely forgetting the food.
"It's... wet." They both chuckle a bit and she looks back at her notebook.
"So what can I get for you darlin'?"
Two people have been nice to me in one day. This is freakishly weird.
"Uhm, can I have the garden burger please?" I say quietly, passing her my menu.
She smiles. "Sure. I'll bring them out as soon as I can."
And with that she's gone.
"I like telling people my daughter is living with me." Charlie smiles sweetly.
I smile back. It's real.
"I know you do." I look out of the window. It's still raining. "I like it here, even if it is a bit rainy." I laugh softly.
Charlie looks up. His eyes are sparkling with something. I don't know what though. Happiness? Pride?
"I like you being here." He smiles. It's real, really real.
I smile back.
"So do I, Dad."
So do I.
See ya soon. :)