Arcadea Virtualia: LOZ Chapter 1, a legend of zelda fanfic

Here's the first chapter of Arcadea Virtualia; if anyone cares.

Before you read; I'd like to make clear that if any of the video game characters that I included in my story don't get away so nicely, then it's not because I hate the game or the character; it's just for comic effect. I'm no basher. Everything I wrote here is not meant seriously; it's meant to make people laugh.

"'Ey ladies, your king has arrived!"

"Back off Duke! We're in Harvest Moon: Back to Nature here, not Duke Nuke'm Forever! No girl's going to fawn over you here!" said one of the mentioned ladies; the one with the silver hair and elven ears, dressed in blue.

"And do something about that annoying way you speak!" said another, this one with chinese features and fox-like ears, dressed in reddish clothes, "Honestly, I can see why all the Duke Nuke'm characters wish they had the ever-silent Doomguy as their protagonist!"

If Duke hadn't shades instead of eyes he would have blinked.

"…Ey, I can't help it, babe!" he whined (which wasn't too apparent with his speech and voice), "I was programmed to talk like this!"

The elfish(?) lady with silver white hair gave a tired sigh.

"Well…" she said, "You will just have to find some dumb lady then who likes big, simple-minded macho-men and doesn't pay attention to what other people say! Try Lula – oh wait… no, that one does not really go for dumb men either… and she's more into girls than guys, too…"

"Urgh…"

"Uh, excuse me ladies-".

"No Larry!" cut the foxy maybe-chinese woman off the little man with the big head and the white polyester suit, "You are not getting any sex from any of us; and don't even think of trying any of your cheap tricks! You won't get pity-sex from any of us either! You're too pitiful for that!"

Defeated and dejected, Duke Nukem and his pal Larry Laffer went back to their table and ordered the booze that the inn normally only served during the New Year's Festival.

The white-haired elf(?) and the foxy chinese(?) promptly went back to eating their meals.

"Um… Impa?" asked the taller of the two blondes with whom the two harsh ladies shared their table; like the silver haired lady, this blonde also had pointed ears like an elf; unlike Impa she was dressed in a regal manner, "Who was that big man?"

Impa, the sheikah warrioress from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, sighed.

"That was Duke Nukem from the first-person 3D first person alien-shooter game Duke Nukem Forever. In his game everybody worships him and all the women are one step away from throwing themselves at him. But that's only when the game is on. Once it's off and nobody has to follow that silly game script anymore, all the Duke Nukem characters treat Duke like the simple-minded macho he is. And he doesn't quite get that."

The regal blonde thought for a moment.

"I still think that you were a tad too… harsh."

Impa thought about it. Then she sighed.

"…I suppose you are right, Zelda," she finally admitted, "It's not as if he's a bad guy… both in and off-game," she added, "If only his in-game personality didn't reflect so much into his real one…"

"In that case you really can't blame him," piped up the second blonde. She was a bit smaller and looked quite a bit younger than Zelda, who by the way was/played the princess of Hyrule in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Aside from that, this blond had a pair of wings on her back; though not very big ones "If he really was programmed to talk and be like that then he can't really help it and you really shouldn't be mean to him because of it."

"One way or the other, he's still irritating, Nina," said the foxy chinese(?)

"Ursula! That's so mean of you!" scolded the Wyndian princess from Breath of Fire IV her "coworker" Ursula.

"She's right though, Nina," said Impa, "Besides, even if he was programmed to be somewhat… peculiar, it shouldn't stop him from acquiring traits that make him more likeable; we all did when we first became aware."

"Right," backed her Ursula up, "Our personalities are no longer limited to that little bit our video-game programmers gave us; we all… grew, we all changed. We all have our own personalities now. We so much more now than what the game script made us to be."

She took a sip of her tea.

"Why, my personality is still developing. It does every time I get to know another video game character here in this website. Just as my knowledge grows, so do I as a person. Every time I meet someone else here, I pick something up from him, and he picks something up from me, and both our personalities change a little."

"Well…" Zelda decided to change the subject, "Speaking of others; who was that little man with the big head in the white suit?"

"Oh, that was Larry Laffer from the Leisure Suit Larry games…" said Ursula with disdain, "He was the main character of all the games until his nephew Larry Lovage took over his role, starting in the Magna Cum Laude game."

"They are messmates of a sort," added Impa.

"What do you mean 'they are messmates,' Impa?"

"Well…" started Impa, "I already somewhat mentioned this… It's like this: Inside his game, while Duke Nukem Forever is on, all his lady co-workers find Duke irresistible, and would gladly let him have his way with them. And when he says something silly or dirty to them… it turns them on. Also, they all dress in a provocative manner, so Duke gets to see barely or naughtily dressed sexy ladies every time he goes to work…"

"One would think that Duke is lucky and happy with his game," took Ursula over. Then she grinned, "But he is anything but!"

"Indeed…" smirked Impa, "You see… while he has all these hot women in his game, the game script does not allow him to do anything with them. He may look at them, he may talk to them… but that's it! He can't touch them; let alone… do something with them."

"And as for all the sex that DOES happen in the game…" Ursula took over, "It all happens off-screen… and that means it doesn't happen!"

"Huh?"

Zelda agreed with Nina, "What do you mean?"

"It means that all the sex in-game that is implied to happen does not happen at all! Duke and his co-workers fake it so that it looks to the player as though something naughty happened, when in reality nothing did! For instance," Seeing that Nina and Zelda were still confused, Ursula decided to give an example, "At the beginning of Duke Nukem Forever Duke is sitting on a couch and humming in pleasure. And although you can't see them, you can hear two feminine voices making some sick sounds somewhere. After a while two twins sit up and appear from below the player's field of vision and start talking to Duke. The whole scenario makes it seem that those twins were… um… using their mouths to… please Duke…" finished Ursula with obvious disgust.

"But in actuality, they didn't," took Impa over, "They never do. Every time those two just sit there, out of view, making weird gagging sounds, but other than that, they don't do anything; they don't even look at Duke's pants! And then, when it's their cue to come up, they do."

"Another example would be the gory hole," continued Ursula, "There's this stall and it has a hole where a man can insert his… pride and joy. Anyway, the player can have Duke react interact with that stall, which will make Duke press himself against the stall, moan and groan, bang his fist a couple of times against the wall, and then he'll give a thumbs-up. To the player it seems as though Duke had just got some quick pleasure, but once again nothing happened. Duke never inserts anything into that hole, and even if he did it'd be futile!"

Zelda wasn't sure what compelled her to ask, "…why is that?"

Impa and Ursula exchanged a grin.

Then Impa gleefully explained, "'Cause the lady on the other side of that wall is not required to do anything! And thus there is no way she will!"

Ursula sniggered, "Once, some time back, Duke had asked the lady to actually do it, even if just once in a while. The lady refused but Duke kept asking. Then one day he had told her the next time the game is on, he'd not leave until she'd do it for real!"

When Ursula didn't continue, Nina asked, "Did she…?"

"No, she didn't!" said Impa before she started laughing with Ursula.

Nina and Zelda watched them laughing before Zelda asked, "Wait, the game was on, what happened then?"

"Well…" started Impa, "Since Duke wouldn't budge, the game lagged. After a while, the player got tired of waiting and forcefully shut the game off. No one's played Duke Nukem Forever since then!"

"And now all his coworkers, especially the ladies, are pissed at Duke!" added Ursula chuckling.

Zelda however was frowning, "I don't find this funny at all…"

Her friends stopped laughing and looked at her.

"What this Duke did was irresponsible, not to mention dangerous!"

Impa and Ursula were perplexed by her words.

"What do you mean?" asked Ursula.

"When the game is on then the game is on!" responded Zelda, "We've got to do our jobs, and we got to do them right and act according to game script! If we don't who knows what the owners of our Arcade will do!"

"You worry too much," replied Ursula, "So one game crashed and one real-life player was pissed; so what? That happens sometimes."

"But it mustn't!" insisted Zelda, "Real-life players never liked games that had the tendency to lag or crash or took forever to load. More so the players of this century! They are not used to it! We must make our players happy or else we will lose them!"

Ursula shrugged, "We can make do without them-"

"No, we can't!"

"Yes, we can!" argued Ursula, "Things are not as bad as they used to be, back when we didn't know that we could leave Arcadea. Back then we didn't have much of a choice; No players, no income for the owners, and then they would have shut us down.

But now we can bring in the cash ourselves. Heck, Nina and I do it often enough already! I got an account in 3 different MMORPGs, and if I got to go out into any one of them every day and earn some money for the Arcade, I'll do it! Worst case scenario we'll just have to leave the Arcade and live somewhere else in the net. As a matter of fact, I already got my own place in Sims online and Ultima."

"I am well aware that playable characters such as you venture out into the net and earn money in online games; Link does it too once in a while," said Zelda, "So does Ganondorf. Sometimes they even go together-"

"What?!" Ursula broke in, "I thought those two didn't get along?"

"Yes…" chimed in Nina, "Every time you see those two together they are always at each other's neck."

"Well…" started Impa, "They do and they don't. It's really hard to tell sometimes. They got some sort of love-and-hate relationship; worst friends, best mortal enemies… something like that."

"Is it because Link's the hero and Ganon is the bad guy?" asked Nina, "I've heard that protagonists and antagonists naturally don't get along. Some say it's in their program or something."

Ursula shook her head, "Not necessarily Nina. Sonic is known to be rather fond of his nemesis Dr. Egghead."

Impa rolled her eyes, "That doesn't really count Ursula! Sonic just likes to make fun of Dr. Egghead! It's not like they really get along!"

"Good point…" admitted Ursula, "Oh! There's Jill Valentine and the Pursuer, both from Resident Evil 3! Those two get along!"

Nina tilted her head, "'The Pursuer?'"

"The antagonist in Resident Evil 3," said Ursula, "You know… the big, scary-looking muscular mutant in the trench coat that follows Jill throughout the game?"

Recognition dawned on Nina.

"Oh, you mean Nemesis?"

Ursula nodded.

"Yeah, that's him; though he prefers to be called 'The Pursuer' instead of 'Nemesis.'"

"Really? Why?"

"'Nemesis' is technically a girl's name…" answered Impa, "and 'Pursuer' sounds better than most of his other names, such as 'Chaser.' Speaking of which; don't call him that; he doesn't like it."

"What? 'Chaser?' What's wrong with it?" asked Nina.

"It kinda points to 'Skirt-Chaser,' that's why."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to be called something like that either…" said Nina, "And Jill and the Pursuer really get along?"

"Believe it or not; they do!" said Impa, "In fact, they are pretty good friends; though they didn't really interacted off-game before… but now they get along just fine."

"How did that happen?" asked Zelda.

"I guess the saying 'Opposites attract each other,' holds true here," said Ursula, "Jill is a very attractive woman, whereas the Pursuer is a – uh… little intimidating-looking big guy.

"Jill is the icon of a brave, strong heroine; real girls and women all over the world used to want to be just as she was portrayed in her game. The Pursuer on the other hand is a god of horror, who has, unwillingly, terrified gamers all over the world.

"Because of this, the Pursuer has always envied Jill. And eventually he fell in love with her–"

"What?! Resident Evil 3's horror-icon Nemesis is in love with his protagonist Jill Valentine?!" cried Zelda.

Impa just nodded.

"Yes."

Zelda looked at her perplexed, "I never heard of that…"

"Me neither…" said Nina.

"Well… the Pursuer rarely mentions it today… And he never acted on it," explained Impa, "He always knew that it was a hopeless love, so even when he admitted his feelings to Jill, he knew nothing would come out of it."

"But why…?" cried Nina.

Her three tablemates looked at her as though Nina was showing signs of going viral (which, in a universe, which is actually a huge online archiving computer program, inhabited by countless self-aware video game characters, all of them also computer programs… let's just say; someone or something going viral in such a world is a very bad thing. For further clarification please watch the Matrix trilogy, especially the second and third movies. Come to think of it; More often than not, something going viral in real life is also a very bad thing.)

Nina looked at her three friends.

"What? Have I got a worm? Or a trojan horse?"

(A self-aware video game character having worms is not quite the same as a real person or animal having worms but it's still a very bad thing. A self-aware video game character having a trojan horse, again, is not the same as a real person having a trojan horse, but, if mythology can be believed, there was a case when some real people having a trojan horse turned out to be a very bad thing.)

"Nina…" said Ursula slowly, "…we're talking the Pursuer here…"

"Why, what's wrong with – oh."

Ursula nodded, "Yes, Nina."

"But you said they get along…" mumbled Nina.

"They do but…" started Impa, "It took some time. At first no one really interacted with the Pursuer off game, but slowly Jill and all her coworkers realized just how badly their game makers screwed him over; what with giving him a disfigured appearance and making him unable to speak in complete sentences… But while they have come to look beyond that and accept him… the fact that he is Nemesis, the Pursuer, is still somewhat there. And, well… because of those traits that make him… not so desirable… nothing ever happened between him and Jill."

Nina looked sad.

"That's so sad…" she said, "I really feel sorry for the Pursuer…"

"So did Jill…" answered Impa, "Which is why she decided to help him find a girlfriend."

"I hope they find one…"

"They did," said Ursula.

"What?!" said Nina and Zelda at once.

"The Pursuer found himself a girlfriend; with Jill's help," clarified Ursula, "And they're both happy with each other."

Nina and Zelda looked as though they lagged.

"Seriously?" asked Zelda.

"Yes," responded Ursula, "In fact, I've heard that they will be getting married soon."

Nina and Zelda felt as though someone had hacked into their core program and done some serious damage (which would be the equivalent of a real-life person feeling the figurative stab in the heart.)

They both thought the same thing:

'I haven't even got a steady boyfriend… and that scary-looking mutant is about to be happily married?!'

After another moment of frozen silence Zelda asked, "Who's the… lucky maiden…?"

Ursula and Impa slowly turned to look at each other. Then they gave the two blondes a weird look.

"She is…" started Impa slowly.

"…a Faceless Nurse…" took Ursula over.

"…from the game Silent Hill: Origins…" finished Impa.

"A Faceless Nurse?!" cried Zelda, "Isn't that an enemy that is spawned by the game?!"

Ursula nodded, "Yes."

Nina and Zelda exchanged a look.

"I thought those… guys have no personality?" asked the confused Nina.

"Yes," backed her up Zelda, "Unlike us 'true' characters, minor enemies that spawn, and even some bosses, are nothing more than what their game programmers made them to be: mindless monsters."

"True, and all the nurses from the Silent Hill games are like that," said Impa, "But this Nurse is different: She wasn't programmed to be an enemy. Her job isn't to prevent the player from finishing the game. Instead; she acts as a victim in a cutscene. She's the nurse that gets killed by the Butcher."

"The Butcher?"

"One of the bosses in that game."

Again, Nina and Zelda were struck speechless.

'I'm a pretty, likable girl, once famous and well-loved by gamers all over the world, still one of the most famous, most liked video game characters here in the arcade… and yet… even after all these years… I still haven't found my true love… but those two horror-figures, who have haunted people from all over the world in their nightmares, are getting married?! BEFORE ME?!'

"Speaking of boyfriends and girlfriends…" started Nina, "that's actually what I wanted to talk with you about."

That got Zelda's attention, and the other two's as well.

"Are you looking to find yourself a new boyfriend?"

Nina shook her head.

"No, but…" she shifted somewhat uncomfortably, and shyly looked down, "…Ryu asked me out the other day…"

Zelda and Impa were delighted to hear this.

Ursula just huffed, "About time the boy brought up the nerve…"

The other three stared at her.

"You mean Ryu has loved with Nina for a long time?"

"I think so Impa. At first I wasn't sure; since Nina and Ryu are kinda the hero and the heroine of our game Breath of Fire IV, they were somewhat programmed to be into each other; though not too much. At first I thought it was just that piece of game script in Ryu's core program acting up or something… and I think Ryu thought so as well. But it turned out it isn't."

Nina slightly turned pink (she didn't really blush, seeing that video game characters have no blood.)

"A-are you sure, Ursula…?"

Ursula nodded.

"I am. He really likes you Nina. Not because he was programmed to, not because of how you were programmed or designed to be, but because of who you have become, and how you really are."

Nina's face promptly turned a hint pinker.

After a moment Zelda asked (with a suggestive smile); "Well…? What did you say to him?"

Nina's face grew embarrassed and somewhat ashamed.

"…I told him that I needed some time to think about it…"

"Why?" asked Zelda, "I haven't spoken to him often, but I got the impression that he is a very sweet person."

Nina sighed.

"That's just it; he's TOO sweet!" Nina was almost lamenting, "He's sweet, he's kind, he's gentle… and he's too much of all of it! He's the kind of guy who'd treat you like a frail princess! He's the kind of guy who'd always ask you first what you want before he does anything! He's the kind of guy who won't take any action on his own, 'cos he'd be too afraid that it'd upset or hurt you… He's… the perfect example of a wimpy, boring nice guy!"

The other three smiled in sympathy.

"I know what you mean…" said Zelda wistfully, "That's exactly why I never went out with Link either… though I really hated to disappoint him; him being such a sweetheart…"

She let out a long, deep sigh.

"If only he wasn't so… so… passive," she said at last.

"I know, right?" Nina let out a frustrated huff, "I don't want a boyfriend who's too afraid to touch me! A man like that… just isn't a man!"

Zelda nodded gravely.

"You are right there Nina… Being nice and sweet is all good and well but…"

The LOZ princess/actress thought how to best word it.

"I want a guy… who-" she herself started to turn pink now, "…knows and will be a bad boy when I want him to be… and a VERY bad boy on occasion…"

"Oh, I know, I know…" agreed Nina, "I couldn't live with a boy who won't touch me 'cos he's too afraid that I'll break or something. I want a boyfriend who isn't afraid to brea-"

She froze.

Then her face went pink again and she tried to make herself small.

The other three eyed her devilishly.

"You want a boyfriend who… what?" asked Ursula.

Nina's face turned even pinker.

"Come on~ Out with it~ "

Being the target of three relentless, piercing eyes soon cracked her resolve.

"I want a boyfriend who…"

She tried to sink into her chair (back in the old days when the graphics engine wasn't too great that was still possible; at least partially)

"…is not afraid to…"

She tried once more to resist but-

"…break me in…" she finished in a barely audible voice.

She shut her eyes at the catcalls and wolf-whistles of her friends.

"So… you don't like passive-submissive boys…" Impa grinned, "because you want to be the submissive one."

"NO!" cried the completely pink and embarrassed Nina, "That's not-"

"So, the idea of handsome stud dominating you and having his way with you doesn't turn you on?" threw Impa in.

Nina froze and turned pinker yet again.

"It totally does!"

Nina soon started to grow annoyed and looked away.

"Sorry, Nina," apologized Zelda, "I really shouldn't be judging you seeing that I'm just the sa-"

Zelda immediately clapped her hands over her mouth. Frantically she looked at Impa and Ursula.

And as she had (dreadfully) expected, Ursula and Impa had turned their vicious smiles at her.

"Ooohhhh~ ?"

Now it was Zelda's turn to turn pink.

"Sooo…" started Ursula, "the Princess Zelda from the world-famous all-time classic best-selling game The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time wants to be her lover's little boytoy…? And she wants him to play a little rough with her…?"

Zelda's face immediately lit up like a red Christmas light. Which caused Impa and Ursula to bark out a laughter.

In response Zelda huffed and tossed her head indignantly.

"I'm afraid that is not quite true," she stated defiantly, (though it was largely ignored by her table mates) "And besides; we all know Link couldn't give me that even if I wanted it!"

"No argument there…" said Impa solemnly, "He's way too much of a nice guy for that… there's no way he'd ever dare THINK such a thing!"

"Ryu won't either…" added Ursula, as she shook her head.

None of the ladies noticed two figures stand up, just a couple of tables away. Nor did they notice it suddenly dimming inside the room.

One of the two figures reached into a pouch hanging on his belt before placing something on his face before hunching over, while the other slowly shifted into some sort of meditative stance.

"…So…" decided Nina to go back to her problem, "…what am I supposed to tell Ryu? 'Sorry, you're a sweet guy but you're not my type?'"

"Well…" drawled Zelda, "Maybe you should give him a chance… He deserves that much… after all," she added, "he is one of the video game characters who risk their existence and go out into MMORPGs to earn money to keep our Arcade going…"

Nina thought about that.

'It's true…' she realized, 'He really IS risking his existence for all of us…'

Though the video game characters from Arcadea could not die- eh… be destroyed- eh… deleted? Whatever! In MMORPGs fighting monsters, seeing that those games allow you to revive for small death penalty, it was still very much risky. Risky because, the MMORPG's security system could mistake them for bots or virus programs and have them quarantined and deleted. That was one reason why not too many video game characters left the Arcade: every time they went out into the net, there was the chance that some anti-virus program would attack them.

Inside the arcade, they were all protected by the website's security. But outside… in another website… it was much the opposite; there was a good chance that the website's security would gun at them.

Which is why only the most adventurous videogame characters dared leave the Arcade.

And not only was it dangerous… it was… vast! The net was vast! Imagine you could fly; to all parts of the planet, wherever you wanted!

After another moment Nina had made up her mind, "Okay… I guess I'll go out with Ryu."

"I think I'll go out with Link, too," replied Zelda, "It's not like I'm in love with him but… let's see what happens."

"EYAAAAAHHH!"

"UAAAAAHHH!"

At once the four ladies froze.

'Ryu?!'

'Link?!'

The four ladies had been so absorbed in their girl talk that they had never noticed that the two boys they had been talking about had been just a couple of tables away!

Then again… there was a reason that contributed to their un-notice. And that being that everyone sitting at that table was a silent protagonist! So, none of them could talk; at best, some of them could utter a few words or sighs, grunts, yells, or shouts. (Don't ask how these guys communicate… No, they don't know sign language; they can somehow do without!)

Seated at that table were: Ryu from Breath of Fire IV, who had called the meeting, Link from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Jack from Harvest Moon: Back to Nature, who had suggested that they meet here in his game, and one of Link's very best friends: Crash Bandicoot from the Playstation game Crash Bandicoot.

How did the adventurer hero Link become best friends with a semi-sane andromorphic bandicoot?

Well… like most friendships, theirs was built on common understanding; things they had in common.

What the heck do Link and Crash have in common?!

One: they both have developed a healthy dislike for large carnivorous plants (especially Crash).

Two: they were both sick of "dying" painful deaths, multiple times, in various forms due to careless/lousy IRL players (ESPECIALLY Crash!)

Three: they both had the tendency to spin around (one more than the other).

They both enjoyed riding (one more, the other less, especially depending on the IRL player)

They both kicked ass when they put on a mask (due to a glitch, ever since Oot Link had once taken over for Majora Link, he could use the infamous Fierce Deity Mask)

And finally, they both had to go through all kinds of trouble and hell just to save some blonde who got herself captured! (And said blonde wouldn't even give them a kiss once they saved them!)

Anyhow, while Nina, Zelda, Impa and Ursula had not noticed them, Link and Ryu most certainly did!

And they had heard EVERYTHING!

ESPECIALLY those comments that implied that they were both… wimps!

While it was true that both of them were very gentle boys by nature, they both had a way that would give their two girls those two bad boys they so wanted!

'Ryu?!'

'Link?!'

Both Nina and Zelda and their two friends turned towards the silent table.

Ryu was engulfed in a pillar of light...

Link was surrounded by darkness...

And then there was a big explosion of light!

"Ahhh!"

"Eek!"

"Urgh!"

"Argh! What the recycle bin are those two thinking?!" cursed Impa was she covered her eyes (Don't ask why a video game character would need to shield her eyes from strong light… just don't! It just ain't worth it! It'd take way too long to explain too…)

The next moment the light faded.

The Nina, Zelda and their two friends (and all the other patrons) took a moment more though before they lowered their arms.

The next moment they both froze.

'…uh…'

They both turned slightly pink on their cheeks.

There, in all their badass glory, stood Link, in his Fierce Deity form, and Ryu, his half-dragon-half-man form.

And boy did their blank faces look foreboding.

"R-Ryu…?"

"L-Link…?"

Slowly… almost terrifyingly the two fierce-looking humanoids sauntered over, until they stopped before their respective crushes.

The way they loomed above the girls had Nina and Zelda's core programs fall back into the background.

"U-uhm… R-Ryu…?"

"L-Link…? W-what are you-?!"

Before either girl could react, one gauntleted caught Zelda at the collar of her dress, and a clawed hand caught Nina at hers.

"L-Link/R-Ryu what are you – umph!"

Ursula and Impa could only watch. And turn pink.

'Holy system crash!'

'Is that still considered a kiss or does it already qualify as hardcore sex?!'

A good long time later, Link and Ryu released the two girls from their lips. Both girls positively looked as though their core programs had crashed.

A moment later, Fierce Deity Link and Dragon Ryu held the lagging girls closer, so that they could voicelessly whisper into their ears.

'Nina…'

'Zelda…'

Even though, silent protagonists could not speak, their lips would move. And even though they had no voice, they would still be understood.

Immediately Nina and Zelda went bright red.

"Y-you are going to do WHAT?!"

"Y-y-you are not serious! R-right?!"

Link and Ryu said nothing. They just tossed their girls over their shoulders.

"W-W-WAIT! L-Link this is too sudden!"

"My core program is ready yet!"

Link and Ryu still said nothing. They kept walking towards the stairs…

"LINK! STOP! There's no way I'll survive! That kiss of yours alone caused 65% of my program to crash! And the rest is still restarting!"

"R-Ryu…! L-let's talk first! T-this will be way too intense! I'll crash for sure!"

…up to the second floor where the bedrooms were.

In desperation Zelda and Nina tried to reach out to Impa and Ursula.

"IMPA!

"URSULA!"

"SAVE ME!"

For naught.

Soon after, you could hear a couple of doors opening and closing with a couple of hysteric girls panicking and beginning for mercy in the background, and then you could hear the aforementioned girls screaming, sometimes more, sometimes less out of breath (or rather, that's how it sounded; videogame characters don't breathe of course.)

Oddly even, although the girls were screaming a lot of things, and granted, not all their screams were understandable, not once could you hear the word "Stop." And the tone of their screams did not indicate that they wanted whatever was happening to them to stop either. At least, you couldn't tell for sure. While the other videogame characters in the inn had no idea what was happening (okay, yes, of course they had an idea; they just didn't know what EXACTLY was happening), whatever was happening most certainly didn't sound like rape (at least, the girl's screams didn't sound like it… not quite.)

After a while of listening pink-faced to the screams and beggings of Nina and Zelda (strangely enough, only about half their pleas were for mercy), Impa and Ursula went back to eating.

"So…" started Ursula, "Are you not going to save your princess?"

"She's not my princess, we're just co-workers," replied Impa "Besides this is not Oot, the game is not on, and it's not in my game script to save her; that's Link's job!"

Impa took a sip of her tea.

"Besides, there's no way in the recycle bin that I'm taking on Link in his Fierce Deity form!"

"Speaking of which," said Ursula, "How the heck is Link able to change into the Fierce Deity?! That was Link from Ocarina, not Majora."

"Once in a while they switch games," answered Impa, "Sometimes, Link from Majora's Mask takes over for Oot Link as the player's avatar when the player plays as the little Link. Likewise, Oot Link, in his child form, sometimes takes over as the player's avatar in Majora's Mask. Weird as it may sound: the games don't recognize them as different videogame characters and treats them both the same, and thanks to this glitch both Links now can turn into the Fierce Deity."

"Odd."

"You said it," said Impa before taking another sip from her tea, "What about you? Are you not going to help Nina?"

"While he's a dragon?! Are you kidding?! There's no way I could win!"

After a moment Ursula continued, "Well… if he'd chosen his Punk dragon I might have a chance, but as he is in his Aura form…"

"Wait, how do you know he's Aura? Doesn't he look all the same unless he uses his breath attack?"

Ursula shook her head, "No more, the owners of the arcade saw to that. Now, you can tell just by looking at his half-dragon half-man form what dragon he is."

"How?"

"You've got to pay attention to his color. And a few other minor details such as the markings on his face and body, and the length of his horns."

From upstairs, the screams kicked up in volume again.

Impa and Ursula paused to listen for a moment. Then they went back to their meal.

"Be careful what you wish for..."

"And don't discuss it in a public inn…"

The next day the four lady videogame characters were seated again together at the same table. Nina and Zelda looked positively traumatized; it was clear their programs were barely functioning.

Impa and Ursula exchanged a look.

Then they turned to face their friends again.

"So…" started Impa.

"…how was your night with the boys?" finished Ursula.

Immediately, the two ravished girls froze. Heck they even flickered!

Impa and Ursula promptly checked on them.

"Oh crap…"

"Yeah…" nodded Impa, "Damn, it will take hours before their programs will have rebooted!"

Well girls, what do you think? For this story I wanted to try my hand at writing some girl-talk; but I'm a guy so… Can this pass as girl-talk, girls?

Again, everything I wrote here was just for fun, trying to make people laugh. And this was just some crazy idea that I had (what's even crazier is that I came with this and I absolutely do not drink, never did, and I never did drugs either… what would I write if I did…shudder!)

Please review. Any form of comment, advice and/or suggestion will be greatly appreciated. If you don't have the time (or are simply too lazy) a numerical rating from 0-10 will do too. What follows below are the numerical values and their corresponding meanings.

10 = PERFECTION!

9 = Awesome!

8 = Very good!

7 = Good

6 = Nice

5 = Not too bad

4 = Not so good

3 = Bad

2 = Why did you post this?

1 = Why the hell did you even bother writing this?!

0 = Delete this shit… NOW!

Depending on what you guys say/write, I will or will not post another one-shot; Link and Zelda will have lunch with Alundra and Meia.

What follows next is the continuation to the short moment between Link, Zelda and the Elric brothers which I wrote in the prologue.

A short moment later, the two odd pairs introduced themselves to each other (Link had managed to survive Edward's outburst… BARELY!)

Zelda spoke for both herself and Link.

"My name is Zelda and this is Link. We're both from the Nintendo DS game The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks."

Edward spoke for himself and his brother.

"I'm Edward Elric, I am also known as the Fullmetal Alchemist-"

"Wait, people call you the Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"Yeah."

Zelda and Link looked at Edward.

Then they looked at Alphonse.

They looked at Edward again.

Edward started to grow annoyed

"Uhmm… " started Zelda, "…shouldn't that be him?" she said pointing at Alphonse, and Link nodded his agreement.

"Urrrggghhh…"

Please review. Any form of comment, advice and/or suggestion will be greatly appreciated. If you don't have the time (or are simply too lazy) a numerical rating from 0-10 will do too. Here are again the numerical values and their corresponding meanings.