April, 1975

"Sev?"

"Mhmm?"

"There's something I should tell you. Before summer is here, I mean. So that you know. When we're out at our cabin."

"If we get there."

"We will. Believe it Sev. Nothing is going to go wrong. You, me and Lily. We're going."

"And what about your mates? 'The marauders'?" Severus couldn't keep the contempt from his voice. Not that he tried that hard. He still had the bruise on his thigh from where Black had 'accidentally' hit him with a stinging hex earlier in the day. Not that he'd tell Remus about it. Black and Potter were Remus' closest friends after all. If he knew just how much they hated Severus, he just might take their side. He knew he would - who wouldn't? He had listened to his father telling him how useless he was all of his life. How no one would ever want him. He knew he should tell Remus all of this, to open his eyes to the truth. He was selfish though - he wanted to keep Remus for just a little while longer. Even if it meant deceiving him.

"The marauders take a vacation in the summer," Rem answered, smiling. He was used to Severus not liking his friends, and understood some of the reasons why even though he thought they should just get to know each other better. "We owl at times, but won't get together until we're back for our fifth year. You're running out of excuses. This summer will happen, and we will have fun and," his face turned serious again, "there is something about me you should know before that."

At the intenseness of his words, Severus turned around to face his boyfriend. Remus was looking down at his hands, that were fidgeting around, tugging at his tie from nervousness. Realizing this was not the time for snark, he reached out his own hand to rest it on Remus' shoulder; to help ground and steady him. Not knowing what to say, he opted for quietly waiting as Remus gathered his nerve. Finally, he drew in a deep breath and looked up, meeting Severus' eyes.

"You know how I told you that me and my family, we've moved around a lot, yeah?" he started, waiting for Severus' confirming nod before continuing. "I never told you the reason though. I let you believe it had something to do with my father's work," he sighed and his voice faltered. Like a brave Gryffindor, he continued on, even though there was now a rough strain to his voice. "It wasn't though. We moved because of me. We moved so that the neighbors wouldn't find out the truth. The truth that I now will tell you, that not even Lily or my other friends know. Only Dumbledore."

"Remus, I…" Severus started, wanting to say something to tell Remus that no matter what it was, he'd be there for him. He'd keep the secret. Remus silenced him with a small, sad smile and a dismissive gesture.

"I want to tell you Sev, because I trust you. I'll have to tell Lily as well before the summer, but you I'd tell anyway. I don't want to hide it from you anymore. You should know exactly who you are dating," he looked grim, before correcting himself, "exactly what you are dating." He stopped for a moment, finding Severus' eyes with his again. With a steady gaze now, he held Severus captured in place just as efficiently as if he had bound him. "When I was a kid, a werewolf named Greyback bit me as a way to take revenge at my father. Severus, I was infected. I'm a werewolf."

Severus reeled back as if hit, but his eyes never left Remus'. He gasped for breath, and staggered for a bit, trying to process what Remus had just told him. He kept looking at his boyfriend, trying to will him to reveal that it was all a joke that Severus just did not understand, but the look on Remus' face told him he was speaking the truth. He gulped hard, trying to speak but not finding the words. What should one say to a revelation like that?

Remus was looking at him intently, clearly nervous and waiting for him to speak. He wanted to say that it was okay. It was not something Remus had chosen, he had been infected as an innocent child. The words stuck in his throat though, and he just stared. As the silence grew between them, quiet tears rose in Remus' eyes. Still, he could not bring himself to speak. At last, Remus broke the eye contact, closing his eyes shut with a deep sigh, releasing one tear to make it's way down his chin. Severus followed the path the tear took with his eyes, wanting to reach out a hand to wipe it away. Wanting to reach out to Remus and hold him close. Wanting to, but being utterly unable to.

"I… I just… I'm not dangerous. Or I am. But when the moon is full, I have this place that I go to. It's safe. I won't hurt you. I'd never hurt you, Sev," there was desperation in Remus' voice, and Severus hated himself for not being able to move or speak, to do anything to sooth his boyfriend's fear and insecurities. "I'd never hurt you, Sev," Remus repeated, meeting his eyes again. "You do believe me, don't you?"

At last, he managed to nod. The smile he got as a reward from Remus broke his final restraints and he took a step forward, as he had long wanted to. He reached out his hand - the tear was gone from Remus' chin, but he stroke it anyway. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice hoarse from emotions he couldn't begin to name. He didn't clarify what he was sorry for - sorry for what had happened to Remus, sorry for it taking so long for him to reassure him that it didn't change anything between them. As usual, Remus understood even the words he didn't speak though, and the final distance between them closed. When lips found lips their kiss had a new passion to it - a passion born from secrets shared, from the new level of intimacy and closeness that their relationship now had reached.

Early August, current time

For a moment after waking up, Severus felt uncharacteristically cheerful as the memory of the dream lingered in his mind. The more awake he became, the more the good feelings dissipated. Remus might not be gone, but it was a lifetime ago since he had been Severus'. Sometimes he almost wished that he wouldn't have those memories. When awake, he was able to distract himself, but when sleeping his defenses were down. As Potter had moved into the Manor, bringing with him frequent visits by Gryffindors that were to remain unmentioned, dreams about Severus' past had became more and more frequent.

At the time he was making his way down for breakfast, his cheerfulness was completely gone. He barely grunted at Potter who sat at the table with Lily in his lap. The child cooed happily as she nuzzled her tiny little nose against Potter's chest, making them a sappy sight for Severus to glare at.

He had just started in on his breakfast when Draco joined them, soon to be followed by the older Malfoy's, making the collection complete. As usual, breakfast seemed to be a quiet affair, even with them all there, as none of the Malfoy's could be accused of being a morning person and Potter seemed to suffer from a constant lack of sleep these days. That suited Severus just fine, in fact they should all be quiet all the time in his opinion.

He was just about to excuse himself and leave the table when it happened. He was just about to push the chair out when there was a small shimmer and then a slight weight filled his arms. Looking down at his lap in astonishment, he found himself looking into the green eyes of baby Lily. Freezing in place he carefully took a better hold of the trusting baby, as not to drop her, all the while being bombarded with memories of his long gone best friend. He had thought about getting up and giving her back to her parents, but he found himself just holding her closer - she might have the Malfoy colors otherwise, but her eyes where just like her father's, making them just like her namesake's as well.

Hardly aware of the astonished looks exchanged between the others in the room, Severus found himself smiling gently down at the small child. Little Lily cooed once more before promptly falling asleep in his arms. As she closed her eyes, he once again became aware of his surroundings. He felt heat rising to his cheeks as he saw Cissa looking at him with her head cocked to the side, smiling. Lucius had just raised an eyebrow at him, but the amusement behind the small gesture was clear to Severus. Potter and Draco were both just gaping at him. Severus straightened his back and prepared to get up and return Lily to one of her parents, but was immediately hushed at to stay seated.

"Please, Severus! She has been up all night. We've been trying to get her to sleep, but nothing has worked. Can you just sit with her for a short while at least? Just so that she'll get into deep sleep and then we'll take her. Draco can go check on your potions, if there is something that needs to be done right now," Potter was pleading with him in a quiet voice, while Draco nodded fervently his agreement. Severus turned his head toward Cissa and Lucius in a desperate plea for help; they couldn't honestly except him to take care of a small child? Even if she was sleeping. No help was to be had though, as apparently everyone thought Potter's plea to be a good idea. Resigned, he remained seated where he was as the baby slept on and the others ate while constantly throwing amused and astonished glances in his direction. He made it a point to glare at them in return.

When the older Malfoy's left, Potter and Draco exchanged a few quiet words before approaching him.

"So," his godson started, "we think if you get up carefully, you could move to sit with her somewhere more comfortable." Severus stared at him in reply.

"I thought you said you'd take her once she is deep asleep. She's deep asleep," he tried to make his voice as fierce and demanding as was possible while still keeping it low enough not to wake the baby.

"Yeah," Draco's voice drifted away as he looked over at Potter, who looked everywhere but at Severus. Turning back to face him, Draco continued "we talked it over with Harry, and we'd really, really appreciate it if she could continue to sleep in your lap. She's been waking us up all night long, we've gotten no sleep at all and well, she's finally sleeping now and we'd really not like to risk her waking up. Please, uncle!"

The 'please' was so uncharacteristic of Draco that Severus found himself reluctantly agreeing. Carefully he rose to his feet and made his way back to his own rooms, where he sat down in his chair in front of the fire. He levitated a book over and spelled it to hover in the air before him so that he could read without bothering the child.

"Do any of your potions need looking to," Draco asked. He and Potter had quietly followed him. Severus shook his head. There would of course be a delay in his days work, but none of the potions where in a critical phase at the moment.

"Okay, we'll just…" Draco paused. "Go rest then. Call for Memma when Lily wakes up, okay." Potter was already halfway through the door and Draco right behind him when the words registered with Severus.

"What?!" he almost shouted out before remembering to keep his voice low. "You're leaving me with, with her? I don't know anything about this kind of… babies!" he almost got back up, desperate to give Lily back to her parents.

"You'll just call for Memma if there is a problem. We really, really need to sleep. Please, uncle Sev!"

"Please, Severus! It would be a great help. If you could just this once look after her?" Potter was adding his plea to Draco's. Severus sighed. Looking down at the sleeping infant, he nodded reluctantly. Her parents were out the room before he looked up again.

Looking back down at the peacefully sleeping baby, he quietly shook his head to himself in wonder. Of all the things he had ever thought possible, this was not one he'd considered very likely. He'd never been very fond of children, not even when he himself had been one. Still, there was something wondrous about holding onto this tiny little human being, sleeping so soundly in his arms while trusting him to keep her safe based on no reason at all. The book forgotten before him, Severus' mind wandered, trying to imagine what that would be like: to trust completely, without given a specific reason to. He wondered what his early childhood had been like, at what age he had had to learn that not everyone was worth his trust. That almost no one was worth it, in fact. For the life of him, he couldn't remember. He only remembered the first time he had met someone he actually could trust - baby Lily's grandmother. Before that, there had been none. He guessed he had been trusting when born, but suspected he had quickly learned better.

Sighing quietly, he looked down at Lily making a silent promise to her and to himself that she would have him to trust. He might not be able to shield her from all the bad in the world, but he'd be there when she needed him. He stroke her forehead softly, careful not to wake her. He might be an old grump and broken in ways too bad to fix, but he'd be damned if he'd ever betray this girl's trust. He settled down in his chair and levitated the book to a better position, making sure baby Lily was comfortable before settling down to read, prepared to stay there with her for as long as was needed.

October

"Are you really going to leave my grandchild with him?" the snotty voice of Sirius Black carried through to the sitting room, where Severus was currently occupying a comfortable chair with a sleeping baby Lily in his arms. "You can't think that old Snivellus can possibly be competent enough to care for a child?" he continued with distaste clear in his voice.

Severus tried to ignore the stupid mutt. Since that first time Lily had apparated into his arms and fallen asleep there, she had done it again and again. He put up a front that should tell everyone what a great inconvenience this was for him, and how he loathed spending any time at all with the baby. He could only hope that they were fooled, even though he had to admit to himself at least that even the thought of Potter or Draco actually listening to Black's concerns made him worry. Even now he knew he should have wanted to take revenge at Black, but the tiny, warm body in his arms reminded him of the fact that the mutt was only jealous. Lily had not apparated into his lap even once. In fact, she seemed to only ever apparate to either of her parents, or then to Severus. The reason behind that was beyond everyone, but they had come to accept it - although Severus only behind a mask of suffering.

Lily had chosen to trust him, and there was nothing Black could do about it other than rage. Severus listened to him being petty and whiny as usual, and to Remus' soft voice trying to soothe and talk some sense into his lover. Good luck with that, he thought with disgust. All traces of sense had been lost from that fool ages ago.

He could hear Potter come to his defense as well, to his astonishment. He hadn't thought he'd ever live to see the day that Potter would defend him against his oh so beloved godfather slash pretend grandfather of his child. Severus smirked to himself. He really would have liked to have been able to see Black's face when Potter had told him off.

The voices became more distant as they probably were walking toward the main doors. This day it wasn't Lily who had chosen his lap to sleep in, rather he had been approached by Draco and Potter, asking him to care for their child as Potter wanted to go on some secret "Gryffindorian quest" with Black, Lupin, Granger and a bunch of assorted Weasley's. Draco being busy joingin his father at a business meeting left no one to take care of the child except Severus or Cissa. Although Cissa would have been more than happy to take care of Lily, Severus was, as Potter had put it, Lily's favorite choice. After making a show of how inconvenient this whole thing was, he had agreed, secretly pleased to spend yet another day reading.

A mocking voice inside his head told him he was getting lazy, but it was quickly silenced as even if it was true that he hadn't spent as much time in his lab as he used to, he was still well ahead of his planned schedule, and he was catching up on his reading - the piles of books waiting for his attention had just kept growing over the years, and now he finally had a chance to make them shrink at least a little. The book currently holding his attention, Sir Bickley's Assembled Notes and Theories Regarding the use of Alabaster Powder in the Making of the Most Potent of Potions, might be a couple of centuries old, but had this far given him a handful of new ideas he was eager to try out. No, even though he might now spend a couple more hours away from the lab than he did before, he refused to call these hours a waste.

December

As Christmas neared, Severus found himself settling into his new life at the Manor. Potter was still Potter, he just couldn't bring himself to call him Harry, but they got along okay. He knew Lily had a great deal to do with that. For whatever reason - if babies did anything because of any reason - she had chosen to trust him as a substitute caretaker. If anyone had told him a year ago that he'd be regularly taking care of a small child of his own free will, he'd have hexed them out of plain derision for even suggesting something that unthinkable. Yet, here he was, taking care of Lily at least twice a week and not even bothering to put up a front of complains about it any longer.

Granted, the clear envy on Black's face when he saw Severus with Lily was a bonus that made it all extra sweet. Black tried to win Lily over, but to no avail. No matter the amount of sweet talk, she just wouldn't apparate to Black, not would she let him hold her without starting to wail in that glass-shattering pitch of hers. As she usually let all the other frequent visitors, and the elder Malfoy's, hold her, there was many theories as to why she wouldn't accept Black. Severus just figured her to be born with the ability to detect intolerable bastards.

For the Malfoy's - and Potter - the Christmas season was a busy time. Potter grunted and complained in displeasure, as he was required to accompany his new family on countless events. Severus smirked to himself and counted himself lucky - he might be as one of the family, but as that was in an unofficial capacity, he was freed from the obligations to attend the tirade of balls, galas and fairs hosted by this and that highly regarded family that Lucius felt they needed to attend.

There was only one event that he couldn't possibly escape: The Malfoy Yule Ball. The event of the season that everyone who thought they were someone wanted to be invited to. Everyone would be talking about it for weeks, if not months afterward and the mere mention that someone had been seen there would bring them a moment in the spotlight. People were actually fighting for the invites. Except for Severus. He would have gladly found any other place to visit, but Lucius, the bastard, had sweet-talked him into agreeing to be there.

It would be a day filled with happy people, dancing, drinking and being merry.

It would be hell.