Fears of a Father

Jennie sat on her father's side of the bed and pulled his pillow out from under the covers and placed it behind her head. She had always loved his pillows the best, she could smell his aftershave on them and that always made her feel closer to him when he was gone. She opened the journal at the beginning and looked at the date on the top; it was dated two weeks before her and Matt was born.

January 3, 1988

I can't believe that they will be here any time; Amanda said that the boys had been closer to their due dates but twins had a better chance at coming early. I would never admit to Amanda that I am terrified. I know she already knows. What do I know about being a father?

Amanda told me to write my fears down before they get here and then maybe I won't be so scared. So, what scares me the most about being a father? I would have to say everything. I didn't have greatest example growing up. No, I can't say that, the memories may be few but I remember my Dad. He cared about what I was doing and always listened to me as I told him of my adventures. He read stories to me and would tell me about cars.

I don't remember him ever yelling at me, but his voice was so stern at times I don't think he ever needed to yell. That worries me; I yell. I still have a tendency to yell and then think about it and usually apologize. I don't want them afraid of me. I want them both to be able to come to me if they have a problem just like the two older ones seem to be doing when they can't get with Joe.

I was surprised to find out that the Colonel Robert Clayton would be taking time out of his schedule to be here for this. He certainly wasn't the read a story at night or hugs and kisses kind of guy. I will admit thanks to my loving and caring wife the Colonel and I have a better relationship but there are still some things I would like to clear up between us. Amanda is right; he is family and I do care about the man.

We are having a boy and a girl. Amanda insisted that their first names be after my parents; I tried to convince her that her parents were grandparents too and so she decided to use Dotty's name to go with Jennifer's name. She wants my first name to be Matthew's middle name. I asked why she didn't want to use her name's name in and she said that she already used his name, James, with Jamie. She wanted my children to have a connection to me; since my family connections weren't that strong.

Amanda asked me the other day if I had seen the last ultrasound pictures of the twins; I lied to her and told her no. I have it at the office with me. I seem to be there so often lately that I wanted something of them there. I know I will have actual photos for the office soon; I just wanted something now.

I think I am mistaking my excitement for nervousness. I want them here; I want to hold them, kiss them, and smell that baby smell everyone has told me about. I want to rock them in my arms and let them know I am doing everything in my power to make this crazy world a safer place for them. I want to teach them so many things.

That is where the first entry ended. Jennie was surprised to read that her father was scared. He never seemed scared about anything. He was so strong and powerful. She always felt safe when he was around. He had this big playful smile and wasn't afraid to get dirty with her and Matt. He didn't get mad when she and Matt would be playing and accidently broke something; but he sure did like to run his hand through his hair at those times. Even when he was giving out punishment his eyes never once looked mad.

January 17, 1988

They're here, oh my, the twins are here! They are tiny and pink and perfect. Amanda is sleeping at the moment and the hospital is running some routine tests right now. Matt came first, Amanda won that bet; he has a head full of hair and already seems to have a mischievous look to his eyes. Jennie, my sweet girl, arrived six minutes later, and with a bit of drama and flair, just like me I suppose. When I saw that cord around her neck my heart dropped. It scared me to think I might not have her in my life. From the moment I knew I was having a daughter and saw that ultrasound I fell in love and I wasn't ready to let her go. I never will I suppose; a Daddy never wants their baby girl to leave them. Amanda is starting to wake; more to come.

I guess it is a good thing I am left handed; I have been holding Jennie for about an hour now in my right arm and I am just watching her sleep. She has her mother's cute little nose. Amanda says that their eyes will stay blue for a while and then as they get older they will change into their color they will keep. Neither have any problems like most children born early. Thank God for that. They are still going to have to stay in the hospital after Amanda goes home; just a precaution I am told, but I am not sure how I feel about them being here without us. That scares me; I think I will fix that.

Wow! I had the cord around my neck when I was born; that is so crazy. Why haven't they ever told me that? She wondered and as she settled further into the bed she was completely unaware of her father and brother coming home.

"Hey, did you have a good nap?" Lee asked Amanda who was still sitting at the table drinking her tea.

"I wasn't napping I was just resting; I want to be able to sleep tonight and get back on this time zone. Matt, honey, can you give me and your father some privacy for a few minutes, and I want to talk with him."

Lee didn't like the sound of that but Matt asked if he could go to the park and play; his mother said that would be fine, "…just be home before dark and don't talk to people you don't know."

"I know, Mom." Matt left out the door and Amanda faced her husband and said, "Your daughter thinks you don't love her."

"WHAT! Where did she get that crazy idea?" Amanda was only slightly pleased to hear the panic in his voice.

"I don't know maybe from the man who pats her on the shoulder and tells her she will never have to worry about knowing how to work on a car or that he brother, who is only six minutes older, is ready for the gun range but she isn't. Maybe she got the idea when I was in Germany and was confined to the house while Matt ran the neighborhood. Lee, you have never played favorites before why on Earth are you starting now?"

"Where is she right now?" Lee asked.

"I sent her to find some pictures in our room but if she is anything like us; we will find her reading your journal that fell under the bed last week."

"Amanda Stetson that is private. She can't read that." Lee stood to leave the kitchen and Amanda put a hand on his arm and said, "Lee, it is about them and maybe it will help her understand that you think the sun and moon rises and sets with her; which takes me back to my original concern; why the twin imbalance?"

February 13, 1988

Amanda told me that I didn't need to get her anything for Valentine's Day this year because she got her presents a little early with the twins. I didn't listen and she told me I spent too much money on the family. I don't think I did and I have never had to really worry about what I spend on gifts for people I love. It isn't like I can take it with me. Dotty did insist that I take Amanda out for dinner for our first anniversary. Amanda said no; it isn't fair to leave Dotty alone with two teenage boys and two newborn twins. I agreed with her but Dotty said that Curt was planning on coming and helping. Curt, Dotty, and even the boys practically pushed us out the door. When we got home I snuck out to the car while Amanda was checking on the boys and then the twins. I wanted to place the presents for everyone on the table where they would find them. I got Dotty some special bath salts, Philip new baseball equipment, Jamie his own set of books on photographic techniques, I even found a beautiful bracelet for Amanda, and for Matt and Jennie I got them each one their own teddy bear. I took the twins their bears and placed them in their bed with them. The bears are bigger than they are. I still can't believe I am partially responsible for those two sweet angels in my life.

July 25, 1988

He left everything to me.

November 25, 1988

Jennifer Dorthea Stetson you and your brother are going to be the death of me. We almost lost you two tonight. Your brothers and I went and found the perfect Christmas tree to decorate only to find out that you and your brother are deathly allergic to pine. Well we fixed that didn't we? Mommy had everyone clean the house of any pine from the house before we brought you home. Stop scaring your Daddy; I can't make it without you in my life.

January 17, 1989

Happy Birthday! Well, children we have made it a full year together and your mother was right; you didn't break. We had a few bumps in the road, but we made it. Watching you two together is like something I have never seen before. You both say a few words already but I sat and watched you yesterday sitting and staring at each other like a private conversation were taking place. The feeling was so strong I felt like I was interrupting. It has been that way all year. One of you will begin to cry and the other will toddle over and comfort the other. You have a bond that I can only describe as one that people have accused Amanda and me of having. I wonder if it will be as strong as ours as you grow.

Jennie knew what connection he was talking about. It was true it was the one thing that she and Matt knew was the best and worst part of them. They did really have a deep connection. They had always been like best friends at least until lately.

"Amanda, I didn't want Jennie to go because Matt wanted to talk to me about guy things."