Title: Need
PART TWO
"Giles?" breathed Buffy, mouthing the word, giving his name no sound. She inched back away from him until her back was against the headboard.
"Don't be afraid, Buffy. It's me," he said, nodding reassuringly.
"No. No, this is...I'm dreaming and, and when I blink, you'll be gone," said Buffy, pulling the blanket up to cover herself. She wanted to glance at the clock but was afraid to take her eyes from him.
"This is no dream. No, it's so much more than that. Here, touch my hand, feel the warmth of my skin," offered Giles, extending his hand towards her. He held it out motionless between them.
It was his voice. So familiar, so comforting.
"I, I don't want to," winced Buffy. Giles nodded and lowered his arm.
Buffy stared at him. He simply smiled and shook his head.
"How?" demanded Buffy, her confidence returning.
"I don't know," shrugged Giles.
And now Buffy did glance at the clock. It was a few minutes past midnight. She also noticed that her window was open again and knew that she had locked it this time. Reaching behind her while staring into his eyes, Buffy felt for the stake she always kept under her pillow. Her fingers wrapped around the wood...and she smiled.
"You hit me. Hard. Not that I didn't deserve it, mind you," said Giles simply, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes in a routine that was so familiar that Buffy barely noticed it anymore.
"What?" whispered Buffy.
"Outside the factory. After I went after Angelus to avenge Jenny's death. But almost before my back was on the ground your arms were around me," continued Giles, placing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. "You were so angry with me...and yet so scared, so...alone. Do you remember what you said to me?"
Buffy nodded, letting go of the stake in her hand.
"You can't leave me. I can't do this alone. Isn't that what you said to me?" asked Giles, suddenly looking very unsure of himself, almost fragile.
"Giles," whispered Buffy, her eyes growing wide.
"I had to tell you something, something only you would know. To prove it's really me," smiled Giles, though his voice sounded sad.
"So ya couldn't have picked out a happy memory?" sighed Buffy, her shoulders slumping.
Giles laughed. He actually threw his head back and laughed. Even more so than seeing him, just hearing his voice comforted Buffy, yet at the same time the ache off missing him rose in her throat and made her eyes water. Still, his laughter! How long had it been since she had heard that? How long had it been since she knew, had actually felt his happiness?
Since before her death. No, before Glory. Even before Dawn? Buffy's smile faded away as she realized that it had been a long time since either of them had been happy. Since either of them had laughed.
"Buffy? What's wrong?"
Buffy looked at him, looked away and then met his eyes with a glare.
"You left me. You wanted me to be alone. So why are you here? Why now?" demanded Buffy.
Giles didn't hesitate with his answer. But he did look sad again.
"Because you wanted me here," he said simply, as if he was repeating what she already knew. But then he hesitated for a moment, suddenly unsure of himself.
"What?" whispered Buffy.
"And because I was wrong to leave," added Giles, frowning as if it pained him to admit that.
Buffy touched the wooden stake again but this time wasn't consoled by the weapon.
"You still don't believe I'm real," sighed Giles.
"No. No, you're probably one of those astro projection thingies," frowned Buffy.
"Astral projection," corrected Giles. "No, that's not it. Not really."
"So what, then? You're not a dream, you're not a ghost...you're not a ghost, are you?" grimaced Buffy, suddenly concerned.
"No," smiled Giles. He again slowly extended his hand towards her, holding it out between them.
Buffy stared at his hand and shivered as a cold breeze whispered in through the open window.
"You've always trusted me, Buffy," said Giles, his voice hinting at the pain of her doubt.
She tried to look away but her eyes were drawn to his hand. Keeping the blanket close against her with one hand, Buffy tentatively reached out, her fingers slowly extending towards his. Giles slowly rotated his hand and opened his palm to her, encouraging her with an unseen smile. She hesitated, then lunged forward before she could change her mind and grasped his hand.
And she gasped.
His hand was warm. She could feel his pulse, strong and steady in his wrist. Buffy hadn't realized how much she had wanted to believe, had needed him to actually be here. She was smiling even though she was crying.
"Giles," she whispered, his name full of wonder. Buffy let the blanket fall from her and opened her arms to him. With a relieved smile he welcomed her against him, holding her close. Giles closed his eyes and swallowed once, lost in the scent of her hair.
"I'm here," he whispered in return. Buffy pulled back and wiped her eyes, looking up at him.
"How? No, no first...why? Not that...oh, Giles, I've missed you so much," sniffed Buffy, again seeking shelter against his chest.
"The why is the easy part. Just because we're far apart, how can you not understand that I wouldn't know, that I wouldn't feel your pain? I'm here because I felt your need...and I want to help," whispered Giles, himself sniffing once or twice.
Buffy eased away and glanced up at him uncomfortably.
"Maybe we should get back to the how first," frowned Buffy.
"Are you sure?" asked Giles, somewhat surprised.
"Oh yeah," nodded Buffy, rolling her eyes.
"Very well," agreed Giles reluctantly. He gave her a doubtful look and took a deep breath.
Buffy waited patiently, opening her eyes wide to encourage him.
"When I got back home I took up meditation, both for my own peace of mind and, well, to help you."
"Huh?"
"I missed that," smiled Giles, looking down for a moment. "Oh, not so much your choice of words...well, yes, there's that, but your innocence when it comes to matters of the heart."
Buffy considered this, tilting her head as she looked at him.
"Huh?"
Giles smiled.
"Meditation, combined with other disciplines, some magicks and a few herbs, can be quite healing, both for the mind and the body. And useful in other ways, as my presence here demonstrates. Though I'm still not exactly sure how it happened," frowned Giles. But then he focused on Buffy. "Only that it feels so right to be here. We had begun to explore this as part of your advanced training, remember?"
"Umm...kinda," winced Buffy.
"Much of this was new to me. Oh, I had heard of certain techniques before, but to actually attempt them...I had hoped to learn, to master a few methods, so that if..."
Giles trailed off, suddenly embarrassed, angry with himself. Buffy averted her eyes, saddened by what he had said, knowing what he had meant.
"So that when I returned, I would be able to help you. That is, if you would take me back as your Watcher."
"Giles, you're still my Watcher. I didn't send you away. You left me!" accused Buffy, her voice rising.
"I know. And I'm sorry," sighed Giles. "You were relying on me too much. I thought you needed to be on your own for awhile, to learn to trust in yourself. It's part of growing up. It's how you become an adult."
Giles reached over and held Buffy's hand.
"Even adults can make mistakes," he said, not looking at her.
"I'm still mad at you," pouted Buffy. Giles nodded and almost smiled.
"Well, maybe not mad in an angry way, just mad in an I-miss-you-and-blame-you type of way," offered Buffy, trying not to smile.
"I miss you too," smiled Giles, letting go of her hand.
"You know, even in the mother country there is such a thing as a telephone," teased Buffy.
"Yes, I do suppose there is," laughed Giles.
"Um, I hate to spoil the moment, but you still haven't exactly explained the how yet," reminded Buffy.
"Oh, yes! You were close with the astral projection...thingy," explained Giles, sitting up straighter to ease into lecture mode. As he had done so many times in the past. "But this is more intense, more vivid than any dream. I am actually here, you can touch me. Unlike astral projection, when only one's essence would make the journey and I would appear transparent to you. But there's a catch."
"I knew it," whined Buffy.
"Though I'm not a dream, you can only see me when you're asleep. So this does have some drawbacks," conceded Giles.
"I'm asleep? Right now?" asked Buffy, glancing around the room.
"Yes," smiled Giles.
"But...it's so real!"
"You have no idea," grinned Giles.
And again Buffy felt that cold breeze from across the room.
"Shall we get back to why I'm here? We have a connection, you and I, more than just the bond between a Watcher and his Slayer. Maybe the Enjoining spell that Willow cast that time has something to do with it. I can't explain it. It's like trying to define love with words instead of the colors of emotion," sighed Giles.
And Buffy smiled, understanding. Giles reached out, hesitated, then softly pushed her hair from her eyes, resting his hand on the nape of her neck. Buffy stiffened slightly at his touch. This was a little more intimate than he had been with her in the past. But this was Giles.
"Buffy...what's wrong?" asked Giles, his voice so full of concern that Buffy felt a need to hold him.
Buffy chewed on her lower lip, unsure of herself. And then her eyes held his gaze and she knew everything would be alright. She would just have to trust him. Like she always had.
*****
Spike ground the cigarette out under the heel of his boot and looked up at Buffy's window. He knew she was there. And so he waited.
A sudden movement caught his attention, up in the tree branches by her window. Barely noticeable, like a breeze through the leaves, someone could easily have missed it. But Spike had better eyesight at night than most humans had during the day.
And there was no breeze on this still night.
Spike took a step closer. And then another. He looked up with a puzzled look on his face, finding what he had been searching for. Perched on a branch just outside of her window was a large raven, darker than the black of the night around them. It twitched its neck, staring at him with one eye, its beak slightly open.
Spike lit another cigarette, never taking his eyes off of the bird. The bird flapped its wings once, settling back down on the branch. And it never stopped staring at Spike.
"Bloody hell," murmured Spike, bending down to pick up a rock, intending to throw it at the raven.
But when he looked up, it was gone.
*****
She had spoken his name. If only Giles knew what an effort that had been, how difficult it was to utter that one word. But there it was, a confession...and so much more than that. And yet, looking at Giles, Buffy knew that he understood. There was no judgment, no anger, no sadness. This was about Buffy, about what had happened to her. It was not about her new lover.
"Spike," repeated Buffy, this time louder but no less sad.
She tried not to cry. She so tried, but she couldn't help it. Even as she closed her eyes she could see Spike's face...and even at this moment knew she wanted him. It was so much easier with the others not knowing, but here, now, with Giles beside her...the shame and the numbing pain and yes, even her longing washed over her. And Buffy cried, giving in to the sobs as the shook her body.
She felt his arms around her but couldn't look up at him. Giles didn't speak. He simply held her close, letting her cry.
And she remembered. It was more than a flashback. She was there, in his car, parked in front of her house...the air was crisp but not so cold that she could see her breath...she was as far away from him as she could be on the seat, almost leaning against the door, not looking at him yet knowing he was staring at her...the scent of his tweed jacket...and Buffy forced herself to look up at him.
"You, must be so disappointed in me," whispered Buffy.
And the moment was gone. She was back in her bed, her face pressed against his chest.
"No. No, I'm the one who let you down. Buffy, I'm so sorry," sighed Giles. "I should've been here."
Buffy tilted her head back, the darkness of the room not masking her fear.
"But you're here now. Don't go. Please...please don't," winced Buffy.
Again Giles touched her hair, running his fingers slowly through it. She felt him pushing her back and though she didn't resist, something felt...wrong. This was Giles. He was holding her. In her bed. And Buffy knew what was wrong.
This should feel awkward...but it didn't.
Her head eased back on her pillow and Giles again pulled her close.
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Close your eyes, Buffy. Sleep. I'll watch over you," whispered Giles.
She closed her eyes and nuzzled closer, letting her tears dry on his shirt. His breath was soft on her forehead and the rhythm of his chest rising and falling eased her mind like the soft cadence of a gentle surf. Buffy didn't want sleep. Not now. Not when he was so close. But she was so tired. Wrapped in the warmth of his comfort, she didn't feel the cold breeze as it barely pushed aside the curtains by the window.
And Giles smiled.
*****
"Morning, Buffy! Want some eggs? Made 'em sunny side up," grinned Willow, glancing up from the frying pan.
"Morning," repeated Buffy, rubbing her eyes. "You're awfully chipper for so early...how early is it, anyway?"
Buffy yawned and stared at the clock, trying to bring it into focus.
"It's almost nine o'clock!" yelled Buffy. "Dawn! She's going to be late for school!"
"Not to worry. I made sure she was up and out the door on time. With a big breakfast, I might add," said Willow.
"You got Dawn to eat breakfast? You been dabbling in magic again?" asked Buffy suspiciously.
"Nope, I'm dabble free," answered Willow proudly, flipping the eggs from the frying pan onto a plate. "But I think we need more eggs."
Buffy only now noticed two other plates on the counter. One had scrambled eggs on it and the other had two eggs over easy. Slowly looking back at Willow, Buffy tried not frown.
"Helps if I keep busy," shrugged Willow. "And I wasn't sure how you liked your eggs. Oh, Dawn ate the last of the bacon."
"Let's start with coffee," mumbled Buffy, again yawning.
"What's with the sleepy? Dawn said you went to bed kinda early and I let you sleep in this morning. Some vampire tiring you all out?" asked Willow, pulling two coffee cups out of the cupboard.
"What? Oh. Um, no to the tired vampire. I guess I must've been tossing and turning a lot. Just tired...I guess," commented Buffy as she watched Willow pour the two cups full with coffee. And she was smiling the whole time.
"Hey, leave some room for the cream," warned Buffy.
"Oops. Sorry," winced Willow.
"And you sure you need coffee? You seem awfully...bouncy," said Buffy.
"Oh, I'm just in a good mood. Don't you remember what we're doing today?" hinted Willow, handing Buffy her cup. Buffy thought for a moment and then smiled.
"Ah, mysterious happiness explained. We're going with Anya to try on our wedding dresses. The entire wedding party," nodded Buffy.
"You're right!" said Willow, slapping her forehead and trying to look surprised. "That means Tara is going to be there! I'm so glad you reminded me, 'cause I haven't even washed my hair yet."
Buffy smiled and looked down into her cup, just now remembering that she hadn't added the cream and sugar yet.
"We're picking Dawn up right after school. Get some eggs before they get cold," ordered Willow.
Buffy was about to protest but the telephone rang.
"I'll get it," said Willow, reaching for the phone before Buffy could move.
"Hello? Tara! Hey, good morning! Say, um, you wouldn't be hungry, would ya? I made a big breakfast and...oh. Oh, that's...no, I'm sure she'll understand. I'll tell her. Okay. Yeah. You too."
Willow looked at the phone in her hand for a moment and then slowly hung it up. She kept her back to Buffy and didn't turn around.
"Willow? What's wrong?" asked Buffy, putting her cup down on the counter.
"Tara has a make up test to take. So she can't be there this afternoon. She, um...she said to tell Anya that she'll go tonight. On her own," sighed Willow.
Buffy stepped next to Willow and put her hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry," frowned Buffy.
"No big," whispered Willow, attempting a brave smile. "It's not like it was going to be a date or anything."
"And we don't even know what color these dresses are or, or anything about them. At all! You wouldn't want to wear something hideous in front of her, would you?" encouraged Buffy.
"You think they're going to be hideous?" winced Willow.
"Aren't they always?" sighed Buffy. "Then again, you could wear a burlap bag and Tara wouldn't notice. She'd only see you."
Willow smiled and turned to face Buffy.
"I hear burlap is the new color for spring," said Willow.
"It does go well with your hair," added Buffy.
"Thanks," whispered Willow, hugging Buffy. "Though it would've been fun trying on clothes in the undressing room."
"You know, I think they call that the dressing room," laughed Buffy.
"Depends on your perspective," grinned Willow, leaning back. Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Go get in the shower. I'll clean up here."
"You sure?"
"Positive," nodded Buffy firmly. "And thanks for getting Dawnie off to school. I feel like I didn't even sleep!"
Buffy turned and faced the sink. It was full of dishes. With a sigh she picked up her cup and took a sip and then scowled as she tasted the black coffee. Finally adding the cream and sugar, she glanced at the phone as she stirred a spoon in the cup. She bit her lower lip and peered around the corner. The hall was empty.
Buffy picked up the phone, hesitated, then placed it back down again. She stared at it, her hand absently tapping on the counter. And then she picked up the phone again and quickly dialed the number.
Willow had made it to the top of the stairs before she remembered that she had left her shampoo by the kitchen sink last night. Shaking her head, she turned and walked back down the stairs. Hearing Buffy talking, she paused just around the corner from the kitchen, leaning her back against the wall. She felt guilty about listening in, but Buffy was whispering. And she had said Tara's name.
"Hi Tara. It's me, Buffy. Can you hear me? Willow's upstairs and I didn't want her to hear. No. No, I'm really not. Um, last night you said if I ever needed to talk, that, uh, I could call you. And, wow, I really need to talk. No, no nothing's wrong...well, that's not entirely true. See, um, these feelings I'm having...Tara, I'm more confused now than when you left last night."
Willow's eyes opened wide. She held her breath.
"Something happened last night. Tara...I need to see you. I know this is awkward, and I feel awful about going behind Willow's back but...what? Yes, she has a class at eleven. Okay. We can be alone then."
Willow's eyes were as wide as saucers.
"I'll leave the front door open. If I don't answer it, I'll be in bed so just come on up. I feel like I didn't get any sleep last night. Yes, you can wake me up. Okay. Thanks, Tara. You don't know what this means to me. Bye."
Willow remembered to breathe but didn't move. She scrunched her eyebrows together, trying to make sense of what she had just heard.
"Buffy...Buffy likes...no, no Buffy doesn't...she wouldn't! She likes boys and, and...and hasn't had a date since, well, since the last time I had a date but...Tara? No, no, that can't...wait. Buffy came back. Maybe Buffy came back different...isn't that what Anya said? But...this different? With having feelings and having Tara and, and no, there should be no having of Tara and, and...Buffy!" shouted Willow, much louder than she had intended.
Buffy was standing in front of her with her head tilted to one side.
"Willow? Um, how long have you been standing there?" asked Buffy cautiously.
"Um...not long. How long have you been standing there?" winced Willow.
"Huh?"
"Shampoo! I, uh, I left the shampoo. By the sink. Last night. And, and I have to get it if I want to wash my hair," explained Willow excitedly.
Buffy stared at Willow.
"But you know, why bother? I mean, if Tara isn't going to be there, then, then I'll...I'll just wear a hat," nodded Willow emphatically.
"Will...are you okay?"
"Never been better. Just don't feel like struttin' my stuff, is all. So, so I guess I'll go now. To look for that hat," announced Willow. She turned and only took one step before spinning around to confront Buffy.
"Buffy, do you like hats?"
"Huh?"
"Do you like hats?" repeated Willow.
"Um, I really hadn't thought about it much. I'm not against hats or anything. But they really don't do much for me," shrugged Buffy.
"Oh really?" asked Willow, raising her eyebrows.
"Oh, but they look good on you," added Buffy, somewhat confused over the conversation they were having.
"Well, I'm very comfortable with hats now, thank you very much. I'll admit that I thought about hats for a while and I wasn't sure if I liked hats, but after trying one on that really caught my eye I found I liked hats. A lot. Preferred them, you might say," nodded Willow.
"Obviously," frowned Buffy. "Preferred them...to what?"
"Well, to the opposite of hats," offered Willow.
"And that would be..."
"No hats," explained Willow. Suddenly an idea occurred to her and smiled excitedly. "Oh! You know, maybe you'd be more open minded about hats if you found the right one! Something new. Someone...I mean, some hat you haven't seen before."
Buffy fixed her eyes on Willow with a blank stare.
"You shouldn't be afraid to try something new. I mean, you just never know, you know?"
"Um..."
"Just make sure it's really new. A hat you haven't seen before. And not one that's someone else has already tried on," smiled Willow.
"Willow?"
"Yes?"
Buffy hesitated. She knew something was bothering Willow but she didn't have a clue as to what. Her best friend was smiling and yet at the same time looked like she might at any moment break down into tears. At the drop of a hat, thought Buffy, trying not to smile. Buffy took a deep breath.
"I'm a little confused about...hats...at the moment," cringed Buffy.
"Oh, that's understandable. But you would tell me if you liked hats, right? I mean, Buffy, I'm your best friend!" pleaded Willow.
Buffy took another deep breath.
"Will, how much coffee did you have this morning?" asked Buffy, putting a hand on Willow's arm.
"Either not enough or too much," sighed Willow.
"Thought so."
Buffy reached out and pulled Willow in with a hug. Willow's eyes widened a bit but then she relaxed and returned the embrace.
"Things will get better soon. You'll see. I promise," smiled Buffy, stepping away.
Willow nodded, her face tinged with red.
"Say, does Tara like new hats?" asked Buffy cautiously.
Willow stiffened, at first seeming offended but then narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
"Maybe. Maybe not," replied Willow before she turned and stormed off.
"Okay, those two have so got to get back together," said Buffy, shaking her head.
*****
Buffy glanced at the clock as she walked into her room. Only half an hour until Tara would be there, but she was so tired and her bed beckoned. Buffy walked over to her open window and reached up to close it. Her hand rested on the window for a moment...and she changed her mind, leaving it open.
Collapsing onto the bed, Buffy closed her eyes and smiled. She stretched out her arms, snuggling down, the covers yielding to her body. A gentle breeze wafted in, soft like a lover's touch on her skin, silent like a bird in flight.
Buffy sprung up into a sitting position. The room was quiet. Too quiet. He was so still that he blended in with the shadow of her open closet door. But she knew he was there even before her eyes focused upon him.
"So it wasn't a dream," commented Buffy, more to herself than to her visitor.
"No. You know it wasn't. Though I must say that I'm surprised to be here again so soon," said Giles, moving away from the closet and sitting on the edge of her bed no more than an arm's reach away.
"So why did you come back?"
"Buffy, I can't reach out to you. You're the one who summoned me," explained Giles, gesturing with his open hands rather than a shrug.
"But, but I didn't," protested Buffy.
"If you say so," smiled Giles as he lowered his hands. Buffy glanced around the room.
"So I'm asleep?" frowned Buffy in wonder.
Giles nodded.
"And if I got up and walked out that door..."
"If you move away from your corporeal body you will most likely wake up. Though with some practice you can...leave, perhaps for extended periods."
"Oh," nodded Buffy, though she still didn't understand. She stared at him and didn't break eye contact when he stared back.
"Giles, if you want to help me, why don't you just come back? Even if it's only for a little while," added Buffy quickly.
Giles stood up and lowered his head, averting his eyes from her. He looked up once but then turned his back to her.
"Giles?"
"Can't you...don't you know how difficult this is for me? Do you have any idea how many times I picked up the phone and just held it helplessly in my hand, unable to even dial the first number?" he sighed, still with his back to her. He heard her move to get up out of the bed and he turned to face her. Buffy froze. For a moment his teeth had been clenched in anger...hadn't they? But now Buffy only saw grief of such depth it went beyond sadness.
"I didn't come to you of my own free will," whispered Giles, swallowing. "But your pain is greater than mine, and I couldn't help myself. I needed to be here."
"Giles, what's wrong? I know you and, and this isn't...I mean, if something was wrong, you'd tell me! Giles...talk to me," pleaded Buffy.
Giles exhaled a silent laugh. He walked over to the bed and sat down behind her. Buffy watched him out of the corner of her eye.
"You're tense. Relax. You're going to wake yourself up," said Giles, his voice now soft and soothing. Buffy sat back down next to him and inhaled sharply as his hands touched her neck. She tensed but then slowly closed her eyes as Giles began to massage first her neck and then her shoulders. She inhaled again, this time slower, induced by pleasure and not fear. And her body remembered his touch as her Watcher worked her taut muscles, calming her as he had done after some many training sessions before.
"You know me?"
"Yes. And you know me. We're, we're so much alike. And not just because of the time we've spent together," sighed Buffy.
"So then you know that I'm capable of?"
Was it her imagination or did his fingers feel tighter against her throat?
"The others didn't tell you, did they?"
"Tell me...what?" moaned Buffy, confused but leaning into his hands.
"After you...after you climbed up after Dawn..."
Giles lowered his hands but Buffy didn't turn to face him.
"You had weakened Glory so much after your fight that Ben had the strength to emerge. I knew that, if he were allowed to live, Glory would come after you again."
Buffy slowly turned her head to face him, dreading what he was about to say.
"He was helpless. It didn't matter. I suffocated him," grimaced Giles.
Buffy took a deep breath and shook her head.
"So?"
Giles mouth opened. He didn't speak. Buffy raised her eyebrows at him.
"Buffy, it was cold blooded murder!"
"Yes. It was. And I would've done the same. I was going to," added Buffy coldly.
"But you didn't!"
"No. But only because I didn't want to take the time. I had to make sure Dawn was okay first. Giles, I'm sorry you had to do that for me!" winced Buffy. She reached up and put a hand on his cheek.
"But I would've come back to finish. I, uh, just got a little sidetracked, you know?" smiled Buffy, almost laughing.
"I don't believe you," whispered Giles, shaking his head.
"Why? I tried to kill Faith, remember?"
"That was..."
"Different? Giles, why do you think I was so angry with you when you left? The choices I have to make...it's not possible to do what I have to do and not have it affect me. You of all people should've known that!" shouted Buffy, pulling back her hand.
Buffy wiped a tear away from her eye, not even realizing that she was crying. Giles leaned closer in so that their faces almost met.
"When you beat down Glory...when you stuck that knife into Faith...did you enjoy it? Did the moment bring you pleasure?" glared Giles.
"Wh-what?" whimpered Buffy.
"I enjoyed killing Ben. I'd do it again. Where's this chilling numbness you've spoken of before? So you see, you and I...we're not so alike after all, are we?" challenged Giles.
Buffy closed her eyes and felt him rise from the bed. She opened her eyes but didn't turn to face him.
"Yes, I did," whispered Buffy.
Giles looked back over his shoulder at her, unsure if he had heard her correctly.
"I did enjoy it," gasped Buffy.
And still neither of them would dare a glance at the other.
"It may only last a moment but...it's just so intense. And you don't forget. You can't. It's burned into you. So you can either try to block it out of your mind, ignore what you see when you close your eyes...or, like Faith, you surrender to it and let it consume you," sighed Buffy.
The room was so quiet. Buffy finally did turn to face Giles and he looked at her.
"So that's why you never once visited Faith in the hospital. All those months..."
"I couldn't. I, I just couldn't. It was easier to pretend...well, sometimes it was. So don't tell me that we're not alike," said Buffy, raising her voice.
Giles nodded his assent.
"Giles, I don't buy the needing time to grow up part. Yeah, okay, there's some truth in that...but that can't be the only reason that you left. It can't be," lamented Buffy.
Giles took a deep breath and slowly let it out. He winced, obviously torn about what to do, what to say. Buffy stood, stepping in front of him and looked up. Her face revealed that she was no longer angry. No, if anything she looked frightened. And that shook him more than anything she could have said.
"Giles, I need you. You're my Watcher," choked Buffy, her hand absently touching his arm. "And so much more than that."
"I guess we are alike. After all, we withhold things, we keep our secrets from one another..."
"Why?" asked Buffy simply.
"Because sometimes it's easier to pretend. The truth can be harsh, perhaps even painful," hinted Giles, trying to hide his anguish.
"You said my pain was greater than yours. So you admit you are in pain. Giles, talk to me. Please!"
"Buffy, I, I can't. I..."
"Why not? Giles, it's me," said Buffy, her arms slipping behind him around his waist. And now Buffy felt him tense at her touch. She gave him a questioning glance but fought the urge to ask, to say aloud the words. Instead she tried to encourage him by smiling.
"Because...because I have feelings for you," answered Giles, closing his eyes.
"So? I have...oh. Oh, you mean...oh," cringed Buffy, dropping her arms. Giles opened his eyes. Even without his words those eyes would've been confession enough.
"And by your reaction I was wise not to tell you. Buffy, I'm sorry. I betrayed your trust in me."
Giles turned and walked over to the open window, staring out. For a moment Buffy thought she heard the sound of flapping wings.
"No. No, that's not fair. You just...I mean...Giles! You just dumped this on me. I haven't even had a chance to..."
"You don't need a chance," reprimanded Giles, turning to face her. His voice was stern but his face was despondent. His anger had been directed at himself. His next words came as a weak whisper. "I'm just a foolish old man."
Giles ran his hands through his hair. He took a step towards her and Buffy stepped back. Her Watcher reacted like he had been punched in the stomach.
"Oh, God, what have I done? I, I should go. I knew this would happen. You didn't need this, not now. You're struggling enough as it is without me and, and..."
Giles froze. Buffy was terrified. And this time it was because of him. She kept her eyes on him, tears running down her cheeks, unable to speak.
"I'm so sorry," whispered Giles.
"Giles...I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?" asked Buffy weakly, her voice breaking. He walked over to her and stood in front of her. Buffy closed her eyes. He gently put a hand on her shoulder. She let him.
"Buffy, just tell me one thing. Last night, in my arms...what did you feel?"
Buffy winced, unable to look up at him. She kept her eyes closed.
"Safe," she whispered.
"Is that all?" asked Giles, the ache in his voice making Buffy flinch. He removed his hand.
Buffy couldn't hold back her tears even with her eyes closed. She leaned into him, resting her face against his chest.
"When Tara gets here you should tell her about me...about what happened."
"What? Why?" asked Buffy, aghast.
"Didn't you feel like a burden had been lifted from you after you told me about Spike? Buffy, you don't need any more...burdens."
He tried to pull away from her but Buffy held onto him tightly, burying her face against him.
"You're not a burden! You're not! I need you! We, we have to talk about this! I need you...I need you," cried Buffy, holding on even tighter.
"Buffy."
"No. Don't go! Not like this!"
"Buffy!"
Buffy opened her eyes and glanced up...at Tara. She opened her eyes wider, realizing that her face was pressed against Tara's chest. Buffy quickly let go and stumbled backwards, landing on her bed. Her eyes darted around the room. They were alone.
"Um...wow, that must've been some dream," offered Tara awkwardly.
Buffy wiped her eyes and then held her hand over her mouth as her face turned red. Tara shrugged but got no reply.
END OF PART TWO
PART TWO
"Giles?" breathed Buffy, mouthing the word, giving his name no sound. She inched back away from him until her back was against the headboard.
"Don't be afraid, Buffy. It's me," he said, nodding reassuringly.
"No. No, this is...I'm dreaming and, and when I blink, you'll be gone," said Buffy, pulling the blanket up to cover herself. She wanted to glance at the clock but was afraid to take her eyes from him.
"This is no dream. No, it's so much more than that. Here, touch my hand, feel the warmth of my skin," offered Giles, extending his hand towards her. He held it out motionless between them.
It was his voice. So familiar, so comforting.
"I, I don't want to," winced Buffy. Giles nodded and lowered his arm.
Buffy stared at him. He simply smiled and shook his head.
"How?" demanded Buffy, her confidence returning.
"I don't know," shrugged Giles.
And now Buffy did glance at the clock. It was a few minutes past midnight. She also noticed that her window was open again and knew that she had locked it this time. Reaching behind her while staring into his eyes, Buffy felt for the stake she always kept under her pillow. Her fingers wrapped around the wood...and she smiled.
"You hit me. Hard. Not that I didn't deserve it, mind you," said Giles simply, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes in a routine that was so familiar that Buffy barely noticed it anymore.
"What?" whispered Buffy.
"Outside the factory. After I went after Angelus to avenge Jenny's death. But almost before my back was on the ground your arms were around me," continued Giles, placing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. "You were so angry with me...and yet so scared, so...alone. Do you remember what you said to me?"
Buffy nodded, letting go of the stake in her hand.
"You can't leave me. I can't do this alone. Isn't that what you said to me?" asked Giles, suddenly looking very unsure of himself, almost fragile.
"Giles," whispered Buffy, her eyes growing wide.
"I had to tell you something, something only you would know. To prove it's really me," smiled Giles, though his voice sounded sad.
"So ya couldn't have picked out a happy memory?" sighed Buffy, her shoulders slumping.
Giles laughed. He actually threw his head back and laughed. Even more so than seeing him, just hearing his voice comforted Buffy, yet at the same time the ache off missing him rose in her throat and made her eyes water. Still, his laughter! How long had it been since she had heard that? How long had it been since she knew, had actually felt his happiness?
Since before her death. No, before Glory. Even before Dawn? Buffy's smile faded away as she realized that it had been a long time since either of them had been happy. Since either of them had laughed.
"Buffy? What's wrong?"
Buffy looked at him, looked away and then met his eyes with a glare.
"You left me. You wanted me to be alone. So why are you here? Why now?" demanded Buffy.
Giles didn't hesitate with his answer. But he did look sad again.
"Because you wanted me here," he said simply, as if he was repeating what she already knew. But then he hesitated for a moment, suddenly unsure of himself.
"What?" whispered Buffy.
"And because I was wrong to leave," added Giles, frowning as if it pained him to admit that.
Buffy touched the wooden stake again but this time wasn't consoled by the weapon.
"You still don't believe I'm real," sighed Giles.
"No. No, you're probably one of those astro projection thingies," frowned Buffy.
"Astral projection," corrected Giles. "No, that's not it. Not really."
"So what, then? You're not a dream, you're not a ghost...you're not a ghost, are you?" grimaced Buffy, suddenly concerned.
"No," smiled Giles. He again slowly extended his hand towards her, holding it out between them.
Buffy stared at his hand and shivered as a cold breeze whispered in through the open window.
"You've always trusted me, Buffy," said Giles, his voice hinting at the pain of her doubt.
She tried to look away but her eyes were drawn to his hand. Keeping the blanket close against her with one hand, Buffy tentatively reached out, her fingers slowly extending towards his. Giles slowly rotated his hand and opened his palm to her, encouraging her with an unseen smile. She hesitated, then lunged forward before she could change her mind and grasped his hand.
And she gasped.
His hand was warm. She could feel his pulse, strong and steady in his wrist. Buffy hadn't realized how much she had wanted to believe, had needed him to actually be here. She was smiling even though she was crying.
"Giles," she whispered, his name full of wonder. Buffy let the blanket fall from her and opened her arms to him. With a relieved smile he welcomed her against him, holding her close. Giles closed his eyes and swallowed once, lost in the scent of her hair.
"I'm here," he whispered in return. Buffy pulled back and wiped her eyes, looking up at him.
"How? No, no first...why? Not that...oh, Giles, I've missed you so much," sniffed Buffy, again seeking shelter against his chest.
"The why is the easy part. Just because we're far apart, how can you not understand that I wouldn't know, that I wouldn't feel your pain? I'm here because I felt your need...and I want to help," whispered Giles, himself sniffing once or twice.
Buffy eased away and glanced up at him uncomfortably.
"Maybe we should get back to the how first," frowned Buffy.
"Are you sure?" asked Giles, somewhat surprised.
"Oh yeah," nodded Buffy, rolling her eyes.
"Very well," agreed Giles reluctantly. He gave her a doubtful look and took a deep breath.
Buffy waited patiently, opening her eyes wide to encourage him.
"When I got back home I took up meditation, both for my own peace of mind and, well, to help you."
"Huh?"
"I missed that," smiled Giles, looking down for a moment. "Oh, not so much your choice of words...well, yes, there's that, but your innocence when it comes to matters of the heart."
Buffy considered this, tilting her head as she looked at him.
"Huh?"
Giles smiled.
"Meditation, combined with other disciplines, some magicks and a few herbs, can be quite healing, both for the mind and the body. And useful in other ways, as my presence here demonstrates. Though I'm still not exactly sure how it happened," frowned Giles. But then he focused on Buffy. "Only that it feels so right to be here. We had begun to explore this as part of your advanced training, remember?"
"Umm...kinda," winced Buffy.
"Much of this was new to me. Oh, I had heard of certain techniques before, but to actually attempt them...I had hoped to learn, to master a few methods, so that if..."
Giles trailed off, suddenly embarrassed, angry with himself. Buffy averted her eyes, saddened by what he had said, knowing what he had meant.
"So that when I returned, I would be able to help you. That is, if you would take me back as your Watcher."
"Giles, you're still my Watcher. I didn't send you away. You left me!" accused Buffy, her voice rising.
"I know. And I'm sorry," sighed Giles. "You were relying on me too much. I thought you needed to be on your own for awhile, to learn to trust in yourself. It's part of growing up. It's how you become an adult."
Giles reached over and held Buffy's hand.
"Even adults can make mistakes," he said, not looking at her.
"I'm still mad at you," pouted Buffy. Giles nodded and almost smiled.
"Well, maybe not mad in an angry way, just mad in an I-miss-you-and-blame-you type of way," offered Buffy, trying not to smile.
"I miss you too," smiled Giles, letting go of her hand.
"You know, even in the mother country there is such a thing as a telephone," teased Buffy.
"Yes, I do suppose there is," laughed Giles.
"Um, I hate to spoil the moment, but you still haven't exactly explained the how yet," reminded Buffy.
"Oh, yes! You were close with the astral projection...thingy," explained Giles, sitting up straighter to ease into lecture mode. As he had done so many times in the past. "But this is more intense, more vivid than any dream. I am actually here, you can touch me. Unlike astral projection, when only one's essence would make the journey and I would appear transparent to you. But there's a catch."
"I knew it," whined Buffy.
"Though I'm not a dream, you can only see me when you're asleep. So this does have some drawbacks," conceded Giles.
"I'm asleep? Right now?" asked Buffy, glancing around the room.
"Yes," smiled Giles.
"But...it's so real!"
"You have no idea," grinned Giles.
And again Buffy felt that cold breeze from across the room.
"Shall we get back to why I'm here? We have a connection, you and I, more than just the bond between a Watcher and his Slayer. Maybe the Enjoining spell that Willow cast that time has something to do with it. I can't explain it. It's like trying to define love with words instead of the colors of emotion," sighed Giles.
And Buffy smiled, understanding. Giles reached out, hesitated, then softly pushed her hair from her eyes, resting his hand on the nape of her neck. Buffy stiffened slightly at his touch. This was a little more intimate than he had been with her in the past. But this was Giles.
"Buffy...what's wrong?" asked Giles, his voice so full of concern that Buffy felt a need to hold him.
Buffy chewed on her lower lip, unsure of herself. And then her eyes held his gaze and she knew everything would be alright. She would just have to trust him. Like she always had.
*****
Spike ground the cigarette out under the heel of his boot and looked up at Buffy's window. He knew she was there. And so he waited.
A sudden movement caught his attention, up in the tree branches by her window. Barely noticeable, like a breeze through the leaves, someone could easily have missed it. But Spike had better eyesight at night than most humans had during the day.
And there was no breeze on this still night.
Spike took a step closer. And then another. He looked up with a puzzled look on his face, finding what he had been searching for. Perched on a branch just outside of her window was a large raven, darker than the black of the night around them. It twitched its neck, staring at him with one eye, its beak slightly open.
Spike lit another cigarette, never taking his eyes off of the bird. The bird flapped its wings once, settling back down on the branch. And it never stopped staring at Spike.
"Bloody hell," murmured Spike, bending down to pick up a rock, intending to throw it at the raven.
But when he looked up, it was gone.
*****
She had spoken his name. If only Giles knew what an effort that had been, how difficult it was to utter that one word. But there it was, a confession...and so much more than that. And yet, looking at Giles, Buffy knew that he understood. There was no judgment, no anger, no sadness. This was about Buffy, about what had happened to her. It was not about her new lover.
"Spike," repeated Buffy, this time louder but no less sad.
She tried not to cry. She so tried, but she couldn't help it. Even as she closed her eyes she could see Spike's face...and even at this moment knew she wanted him. It was so much easier with the others not knowing, but here, now, with Giles beside her...the shame and the numbing pain and yes, even her longing washed over her. And Buffy cried, giving in to the sobs as the shook her body.
She felt his arms around her but couldn't look up at him. Giles didn't speak. He simply held her close, letting her cry.
And she remembered. It was more than a flashback. She was there, in his car, parked in front of her house...the air was crisp but not so cold that she could see her breath...she was as far away from him as she could be on the seat, almost leaning against the door, not looking at him yet knowing he was staring at her...the scent of his tweed jacket...and Buffy forced herself to look up at him.
"You, must be so disappointed in me," whispered Buffy.
And the moment was gone. She was back in her bed, her face pressed against his chest.
"No. No, I'm the one who let you down. Buffy, I'm so sorry," sighed Giles. "I should've been here."
Buffy tilted her head back, the darkness of the room not masking her fear.
"But you're here now. Don't go. Please...please don't," winced Buffy.
Again Giles touched her hair, running his fingers slowly through it. She felt him pushing her back and though she didn't resist, something felt...wrong. This was Giles. He was holding her. In her bed. And Buffy knew what was wrong.
This should feel awkward...but it didn't.
Her head eased back on her pillow and Giles again pulled her close.
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Close your eyes, Buffy. Sleep. I'll watch over you," whispered Giles.
She closed her eyes and nuzzled closer, letting her tears dry on his shirt. His breath was soft on her forehead and the rhythm of his chest rising and falling eased her mind like the soft cadence of a gentle surf. Buffy didn't want sleep. Not now. Not when he was so close. But she was so tired. Wrapped in the warmth of his comfort, she didn't feel the cold breeze as it barely pushed aside the curtains by the window.
And Giles smiled.
*****
"Morning, Buffy! Want some eggs? Made 'em sunny side up," grinned Willow, glancing up from the frying pan.
"Morning," repeated Buffy, rubbing her eyes. "You're awfully chipper for so early...how early is it, anyway?"
Buffy yawned and stared at the clock, trying to bring it into focus.
"It's almost nine o'clock!" yelled Buffy. "Dawn! She's going to be late for school!"
"Not to worry. I made sure she was up and out the door on time. With a big breakfast, I might add," said Willow.
"You got Dawn to eat breakfast? You been dabbling in magic again?" asked Buffy suspiciously.
"Nope, I'm dabble free," answered Willow proudly, flipping the eggs from the frying pan onto a plate. "But I think we need more eggs."
Buffy only now noticed two other plates on the counter. One had scrambled eggs on it and the other had two eggs over easy. Slowly looking back at Willow, Buffy tried not frown.
"Helps if I keep busy," shrugged Willow. "And I wasn't sure how you liked your eggs. Oh, Dawn ate the last of the bacon."
"Let's start with coffee," mumbled Buffy, again yawning.
"What's with the sleepy? Dawn said you went to bed kinda early and I let you sleep in this morning. Some vampire tiring you all out?" asked Willow, pulling two coffee cups out of the cupboard.
"What? Oh. Um, no to the tired vampire. I guess I must've been tossing and turning a lot. Just tired...I guess," commented Buffy as she watched Willow pour the two cups full with coffee. And she was smiling the whole time.
"Hey, leave some room for the cream," warned Buffy.
"Oops. Sorry," winced Willow.
"And you sure you need coffee? You seem awfully...bouncy," said Buffy.
"Oh, I'm just in a good mood. Don't you remember what we're doing today?" hinted Willow, handing Buffy her cup. Buffy thought for a moment and then smiled.
"Ah, mysterious happiness explained. We're going with Anya to try on our wedding dresses. The entire wedding party," nodded Buffy.
"You're right!" said Willow, slapping her forehead and trying to look surprised. "That means Tara is going to be there! I'm so glad you reminded me, 'cause I haven't even washed my hair yet."
Buffy smiled and looked down into her cup, just now remembering that she hadn't added the cream and sugar yet.
"We're picking Dawn up right after school. Get some eggs before they get cold," ordered Willow.
Buffy was about to protest but the telephone rang.
"I'll get it," said Willow, reaching for the phone before Buffy could move.
"Hello? Tara! Hey, good morning! Say, um, you wouldn't be hungry, would ya? I made a big breakfast and...oh. Oh, that's...no, I'm sure she'll understand. I'll tell her. Okay. Yeah. You too."
Willow looked at the phone in her hand for a moment and then slowly hung it up. She kept her back to Buffy and didn't turn around.
"Willow? What's wrong?" asked Buffy, putting her cup down on the counter.
"Tara has a make up test to take. So she can't be there this afternoon. She, um...she said to tell Anya that she'll go tonight. On her own," sighed Willow.
Buffy stepped next to Willow and put her hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry," frowned Buffy.
"No big," whispered Willow, attempting a brave smile. "It's not like it was going to be a date or anything."
"And we don't even know what color these dresses are or, or anything about them. At all! You wouldn't want to wear something hideous in front of her, would you?" encouraged Buffy.
"You think they're going to be hideous?" winced Willow.
"Aren't they always?" sighed Buffy. "Then again, you could wear a burlap bag and Tara wouldn't notice. She'd only see you."
Willow smiled and turned to face Buffy.
"I hear burlap is the new color for spring," said Willow.
"It does go well with your hair," added Buffy.
"Thanks," whispered Willow, hugging Buffy. "Though it would've been fun trying on clothes in the undressing room."
"You know, I think they call that the dressing room," laughed Buffy.
"Depends on your perspective," grinned Willow, leaning back. Buffy rolled her eyes.
"Go get in the shower. I'll clean up here."
"You sure?"
"Positive," nodded Buffy firmly. "And thanks for getting Dawnie off to school. I feel like I didn't even sleep!"
Buffy turned and faced the sink. It was full of dishes. With a sigh she picked up her cup and took a sip and then scowled as she tasted the black coffee. Finally adding the cream and sugar, she glanced at the phone as she stirred a spoon in the cup. She bit her lower lip and peered around the corner. The hall was empty.
Buffy picked up the phone, hesitated, then placed it back down again. She stared at it, her hand absently tapping on the counter. And then she picked up the phone again and quickly dialed the number.
Willow had made it to the top of the stairs before she remembered that she had left her shampoo by the kitchen sink last night. Shaking her head, she turned and walked back down the stairs. Hearing Buffy talking, she paused just around the corner from the kitchen, leaning her back against the wall. She felt guilty about listening in, but Buffy was whispering. And she had said Tara's name.
"Hi Tara. It's me, Buffy. Can you hear me? Willow's upstairs and I didn't want her to hear. No. No, I'm really not. Um, last night you said if I ever needed to talk, that, uh, I could call you. And, wow, I really need to talk. No, no nothing's wrong...well, that's not entirely true. See, um, these feelings I'm having...Tara, I'm more confused now than when you left last night."
Willow's eyes opened wide. She held her breath.
"Something happened last night. Tara...I need to see you. I know this is awkward, and I feel awful about going behind Willow's back but...what? Yes, she has a class at eleven. Okay. We can be alone then."
Willow's eyes were as wide as saucers.
"I'll leave the front door open. If I don't answer it, I'll be in bed so just come on up. I feel like I didn't get any sleep last night. Yes, you can wake me up. Okay. Thanks, Tara. You don't know what this means to me. Bye."
Willow remembered to breathe but didn't move. She scrunched her eyebrows together, trying to make sense of what she had just heard.
"Buffy...Buffy likes...no, no Buffy doesn't...she wouldn't! She likes boys and, and...and hasn't had a date since, well, since the last time I had a date but...Tara? No, no, that can't...wait. Buffy came back. Maybe Buffy came back different...isn't that what Anya said? But...this different? With having feelings and having Tara and, and no, there should be no having of Tara and, and...Buffy!" shouted Willow, much louder than she had intended.
Buffy was standing in front of her with her head tilted to one side.
"Willow? Um, how long have you been standing there?" asked Buffy cautiously.
"Um...not long. How long have you been standing there?" winced Willow.
"Huh?"
"Shampoo! I, uh, I left the shampoo. By the sink. Last night. And, and I have to get it if I want to wash my hair," explained Willow excitedly.
Buffy stared at Willow.
"But you know, why bother? I mean, if Tara isn't going to be there, then, then I'll...I'll just wear a hat," nodded Willow emphatically.
"Will...are you okay?"
"Never been better. Just don't feel like struttin' my stuff, is all. So, so I guess I'll go now. To look for that hat," announced Willow. She turned and only took one step before spinning around to confront Buffy.
"Buffy, do you like hats?"
"Huh?"
"Do you like hats?" repeated Willow.
"Um, I really hadn't thought about it much. I'm not against hats or anything. But they really don't do much for me," shrugged Buffy.
"Oh really?" asked Willow, raising her eyebrows.
"Oh, but they look good on you," added Buffy, somewhat confused over the conversation they were having.
"Well, I'm very comfortable with hats now, thank you very much. I'll admit that I thought about hats for a while and I wasn't sure if I liked hats, but after trying one on that really caught my eye I found I liked hats. A lot. Preferred them, you might say," nodded Willow.
"Obviously," frowned Buffy. "Preferred them...to what?"
"Well, to the opposite of hats," offered Willow.
"And that would be..."
"No hats," explained Willow. Suddenly an idea occurred to her and smiled excitedly. "Oh! You know, maybe you'd be more open minded about hats if you found the right one! Something new. Someone...I mean, some hat you haven't seen before."
Buffy fixed her eyes on Willow with a blank stare.
"You shouldn't be afraid to try something new. I mean, you just never know, you know?"
"Um..."
"Just make sure it's really new. A hat you haven't seen before. And not one that's someone else has already tried on," smiled Willow.
"Willow?"
"Yes?"
Buffy hesitated. She knew something was bothering Willow but she didn't have a clue as to what. Her best friend was smiling and yet at the same time looked like she might at any moment break down into tears. At the drop of a hat, thought Buffy, trying not to smile. Buffy took a deep breath.
"I'm a little confused about...hats...at the moment," cringed Buffy.
"Oh, that's understandable. But you would tell me if you liked hats, right? I mean, Buffy, I'm your best friend!" pleaded Willow.
Buffy took another deep breath.
"Will, how much coffee did you have this morning?" asked Buffy, putting a hand on Willow's arm.
"Either not enough or too much," sighed Willow.
"Thought so."
Buffy reached out and pulled Willow in with a hug. Willow's eyes widened a bit but then she relaxed and returned the embrace.
"Things will get better soon. You'll see. I promise," smiled Buffy, stepping away.
Willow nodded, her face tinged with red.
"Say, does Tara like new hats?" asked Buffy cautiously.
Willow stiffened, at first seeming offended but then narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
"Maybe. Maybe not," replied Willow before she turned and stormed off.
"Okay, those two have so got to get back together," said Buffy, shaking her head.
*****
Buffy glanced at the clock as she walked into her room. Only half an hour until Tara would be there, but she was so tired and her bed beckoned. Buffy walked over to her open window and reached up to close it. Her hand rested on the window for a moment...and she changed her mind, leaving it open.
Collapsing onto the bed, Buffy closed her eyes and smiled. She stretched out her arms, snuggling down, the covers yielding to her body. A gentle breeze wafted in, soft like a lover's touch on her skin, silent like a bird in flight.
Buffy sprung up into a sitting position. The room was quiet. Too quiet. He was so still that he blended in with the shadow of her open closet door. But she knew he was there even before her eyes focused upon him.
"So it wasn't a dream," commented Buffy, more to herself than to her visitor.
"No. You know it wasn't. Though I must say that I'm surprised to be here again so soon," said Giles, moving away from the closet and sitting on the edge of her bed no more than an arm's reach away.
"So why did you come back?"
"Buffy, I can't reach out to you. You're the one who summoned me," explained Giles, gesturing with his open hands rather than a shrug.
"But, but I didn't," protested Buffy.
"If you say so," smiled Giles as he lowered his hands. Buffy glanced around the room.
"So I'm asleep?" frowned Buffy in wonder.
Giles nodded.
"And if I got up and walked out that door..."
"If you move away from your corporeal body you will most likely wake up. Though with some practice you can...leave, perhaps for extended periods."
"Oh," nodded Buffy, though she still didn't understand. She stared at him and didn't break eye contact when he stared back.
"Giles, if you want to help me, why don't you just come back? Even if it's only for a little while," added Buffy quickly.
Giles stood up and lowered his head, averting his eyes from her. He looked up once but then turned his back to her.
"Giles?"
"Can't you...don't you know how difficult this is for me? Do you have any idea how many times I picked up the phone and just held it helplessly in my hand, unable to even dial the first number?" he sighed, still with his back to her. He heard her move to get up out of the bed and he turned to face her. Buffy froze. For a moment his teeth had been clenched in anger...hadn't they? But now Buffy only saw grief of such depth it went beyond sadness.
"I didn't come to you of my own free will," whispered Giles, swallowing. "But your pain is greater than mine, and I couldn't help myself. I needed to be here."
"Giles, what's wrong? I know you and, and this isn't...I mean, if something was wrong, you'd tell me! Giles...talk to me," pleaded Buffy.
Giles exhaled a silent laugh. He walked over to the bed and sat down behind her. Buffy watched him out of the corner of her eye.
"You're tense. Relax. You're going to wake yourself up," said Giles, his voice now soft and soothing. Buffy sat back down next to him and inhaled sharply as his hands touched her neck. She tensed but then slowly closed her eyes as Giles began to massage first her neck and then her shoulders. She inhaled again, this time slower, induced by pleasure and not fear. And her body remembered his touch as her Watcher worked her taut muscles, calming her as he had done after some many training sessions before.
"You know me?"
"Yes. And you know me. We're, we're so much alike. And not just because of the time we've spent together," sighed Buffy.
"So then you know that I'm capable of?"
Was it her imagination or did his fingers feel tighter against her throat?
"The others didn't tell you, did they?"
"Tell me...what?" moaned Buffy, confused but leaning into his hands.
"After you...after you climbed up after Dawn..."
Giles lowered his hands but Buffy didn't turn to face him.
"You had weakened Glory so much after your fight that Ben had the strength to emerge. I knew that, if he were allowed to live, Glory would come after you again."
Buffy slowly turned her head to face him, dreading what he was about to say.
"He was helpless. It didn't matter. I suffocated him," grimaced Giles.
Buffy took a deep breath and shook her head.
"So?"
Giles mouth opened. He didn't speak. Buffy raised her eyebrows at him.
"Buffy, it was cold blooded murder!"
"Yes. It was. And I would've done the same. I was going to," added Buffy coldly.
"But you didn't!"
"No. But only because I didn't want to take the time. I had to make sure Dawn was okay first. Giles, I'm sorry you had to do that for me!" winced Buffy. She reached up and put a hand on his cheek.
"But I would've come back to finish. I, uh, just got a little sidetracked, you know?" smiled Buffy, almost laughing.
"I don't believe you," whispered Giles, shaking his head.
"Why? I tried to kill Faith, remember?"
"That was..."
"Different? Giles, why do you think I was so angry with you when you left? The choices I have to make...it's not possible to do what I have to do and not have it affect me. You of all people should've known that!" shouted Buffy, pulling back her hand.
Buffy wiped a tear away from her eye, not even realizing that she was crying. Giles leaned closer in so that their faces almost met.
"When you beat down Glory...when you stuck that knife into Faith...did you enjoy it? Did the moment bring you pleasure?" glared Giles.
"Wh-what?" whimpered Buffy.
"I enjoyed killing Ben. I'd do it again. Where's this chilling numbness you've spoken of before? So you see, you and I...we're not so alike after all, are we?" challenged Giles.
Buffy closed her eyes and felt him rise from the bed. She opened her eyes but didn't turn to face him.
"Yes, I did," whispered Buffy.
Giles looked back over his shoulder at her, unsure if he had heard her correctly.
"I did enjoy it," gasped Buffy.
And still neither of them would dare a glance at the other.
"It may only last a moment but...it's just so intense. And you don't forget. You can't. It's burned into you. So you can either try to block it out of your mind, ignore what you see when you close your eyes...or, like Faith, you surrender to it and let it consume you," sighed Buffy.
The room was so quiet. Buffy finally did turn to face Giles and he looked at her.
"So that's why you never once visited Faith in the hospital. All those months..."
"I couldn't. I, I just couldn't. It was easier to pretend...well, sometimes it was. So don't tell me that we're not alike," said Buffy, raising her voice.
Giles nodded his assent.
"Giles, I don't buy the needing time to grow up part. Yeah, okay, there's some truth in that...but that can't be the only reason that you left. It can't be," lamented Buffy.
Giles took a deep breath and slowly let it out. He winced, obviously torn about what to do, what to say. Buffy stood, stepping in front of him and looked up. Her face revealed that she was no longer angry. No, if anything she looked frightened. And that shook him more than anything she could have said.
"Giles, I need you. You're my Watcher," choked Buffy, her hand absently touching his arm. "And so much more than that."
"I guess we are alike. After all, we withhold things, we keep our secrets from one another..."
"Why?" asked Buffy simply.
"Because sometimes it's easier to pretend. The truth can be harsh, perhaps even painful," hinted Giles, trying to hide his anguish.
"You said my pain was greater than yours. So you admit you are in pain. Giles, talk to me. Please!"
"Buffy, I, I can't. I..."
"Why not? Giles, it's me," said Buffy, her arms slipping behind him around his waist. And now Buffy felt him tense at her touch. She gave him a questioning glance but fought the urge to ask, to say aloud the words. Instead she tried to encourage him by smiling.
"Because...because I have feelings for you," answered Giles, closing his eyes.
"So? I have...oh. Oh, you mean...oh," cringed Buffy, dropping her arms. Giles opened his eyes. Even without his words those eyes would've been confession enough.
"And by your reaction I was wise not to tell you. Buffy, I'm sorry. I betrayed your trust in me."
Giles turned and walked over to the open window, staring out. For a moment Buffy thought she heard the sound of flapping wings.
"No. No, that's not fair. You just...I mean...Giles! You just dumped this on me. I haven't even had a chance to..."
"You don't need a chance," reprimanded Giles, turning to face her. His voice was stern but his face was despondent. His anger had been directed at himself. His next words came as a weak whisper. "I'm just a foolish old man."
Giles ran his hands through his hair. He took a step towards her and Buffy stepped back. Her Watcher reacted like he had been punched in the stomach.
"Oh, God, what have I done? I, I should go. I knew this would happen. You didn't need this, not now. You're struggling enough as it is without me and, and..."
Giles froze. Buffy was terrified. And this time it was because of him. She kept her eyes on him, tears running down her cheeks, unable to speak.
"I'm so sorry," whispered Giles.
"Giles...I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?" asked Buffy weakly, her voice breaking. He walked over to her and stood in front of her. Buffy closed her eyes. He gently put a hand on her shoulder. She let him.
"Buffy, just tell me one thing. Last night, in my arms...what did you feel?"
Buffy winced, unable to look up at him. She kept her eyes closed.
"Safe," she whispered.
"Is that all?" asked Giles, the ache in his voice making Buffy flinch. He removed his hand.
Buffy couldn't hold back her tears even with her eyes closed. She leaned into him, resting her face against his chest.
"When Tara gets here you should tell her about me...about what happened."
"What? Why?" asked Buffy, aghast.
"Didn't you feel like a burden had been lifted from you after you told me about Spike? Buffy, you don't need any more...burdens."
He tried to pull away from her but Buffy held onto him tightly, burying her face against him.
"You're not a burden! You're not! I need you! We, we have to talk about this! I need you...I need you," cried Buffy, holding on even tighter.
"Buffy."
"No. Don't go! Not like this!"
"Buffy!"
Buffy opened her eyes and glanced up...at Tara. She opened her eyes wider, realizing that her face was pressed against Tara's chest. Buffy quickly let go and stumbled backwards, landing on her bed. Her eyes darted around the room. They were alone.
"Um...wow, that must've been some dream," offered Tara awkwardly.
Buffy wiped her eyes and then held her hand over her mouth as her face turned red. Tara shrugged but got no reply.
END OF PART TWO