I do not own Bleach.
"I wish for death." A sentence that passed my lips unbidden every day. I failed to understand how my spirit would not go since the torment it suffered in this world was so great. I was truly envious of all those who had already felt the sweet and gentle refuge of death. Today was the day that would change. Today was the day I had finally gathered enough courage to fulfill my darkest desire and thus I lie dying. I have lived a long life of disappointment and sorrow and the irony is that I finally find true joy through the ending of it.
My vision began to blur as the world around changed and I suddenly found myself in the sakura grove I used to train in with Yoruichi. Standing above me was a younger version of myself, staring at me in a mixture of disappointment and pity.
"Why have you killed us?" I was demanding of myself validation for my own decisions? It seems my mind is leaving me as quickly as my life.
"I've lived all my life for the sake of Yoruichi and still I find myself cast aside by her. What else is there to live for?" This only seemed to make my younger self angry.
"That's exactly your problem! You have somehow deluded yourself into believing that your existence matters only insofar as your ability to serve Yoruichi. Your joy is not intrinsically tied to hers. You foolishly believe you feel joy in the end, but what you don't realize is that joy comes from finally doing something you wanted. You mourn the unhappiness of your life yet fail to realize that to change your lot in life you must take a stand. You must change yourself by taking charge of your life and living for yourself." By the end of her tirade tears had begun to fall from her eyes.
I lay and mulled over her words, for surely such passion must hold within it seeds of truth. Analyzing what she said I realized everything could be boiled down to three simple words. Live for yourself.
Of course! How could I have been so foolish? All my life I've lived for the benefit of others, living in the shadow of my past. It was that very idea of living not for me but for others that created my misery. If I start doing what I want, not what others want, I would finally free myself of my sorrow.
Immense joy swept through my being as I realized that perhaps there was a life beyond Yoruichi. I would finally take control and live a life not for her but a life for me. Unfortunately my joy soon turned to horror as the reality of my situation came crashing down.
"No!" I cried. This couldn't be the end, not after I've finally discovered the secret to happiness. Even as this world, created by the hallucinations of a dying mind, crumbled around me and darkness encroached upon my vision, I couldn't help but think one thought in soul shattering despair.
They say the only thing worse than not getting what you wish for is getting it.
I've decided to continue writing one-shots based on the recurring quote. This is meant to be unconnected to the first chapter though if you want you can think of it as being soon after she leaves the hill. I'm hoping that in writing these I'll become good enough to actually write a full story.