Holding On

Disclaimer: You recognize them, I don't own them.

"Why was her name Sadie?" JJ tries to break the silence in the car. "I mean…if you don't mind answering. "

"She was supposed to be Sarah. Derek wanted a princess and Penn wanted her name to reflect that. Yet, she was almost born in an elevator and the first time we held her, she had this spunky look to her. She wasn't demure enough to be Sarah so we looked at the books and found her name." As much as Reid tries, he can't bring himself to use her name.

Using her name in the past tense was just too difficult.

"Sadie Jay. Such a pretty name…" JJ drifts off mid-sentence.

Silent, Reid reaches over and grips her hand.

JJ pulls into a space just in front of Garcia's building.

Reid reaches the gate. Hitting her buzzer, he waits. Then, after getting no response, he hits it again- longer this time. He knows that she's here- she has to be.

"What?"

"It's Spencer and JJ. Derek wanted us to see how you're doing."

"I'll buzz you in. Let yourself in."

The gate buzzes as Reid pushes it open and walks in.

A sob catches in his throat. He swallows it down. This isn't the time to cry. If Penn sees him crying, it will only make a difficult situation even worse.

"It's not a bad thing to cry." JJ squeezes his hand. "It really isn't,"

"Now isn't the time to." This is the only response that seems appropriate.

As they enter her apartment, Reid can't help but notice how disheveled Garcia looks. Her normally neat hair is everywhere. Her eyes are red-rimmed from crying. She's also wearing what appears to be a white XXXL –sized men's button down shirt. Only the buttons just under her cleavage are done.

"Sorry for the mess," Garcia mumbles half-heartedly. "And excuse the way I'm dressed. This was our shirt. The nights she'd spend with me, this is what I would wear to make nursing easier. I figure that now that I'm weaning, I might as well be comfortable and this provides…" She shakes her head. "Never mind. I'm rambling." She pulls a towel-wrapped ice pack from the top of her chest and throws it across the room. It bounces off the wall with a loud thunk.

"How are you doing?" JJ sits on the couch. "We haven't heard much from you."

"Just really want to be alone. There's not really much to say. I went to bed two nights ago a happy mom looking forward to my weekend alone with my baby and then woke up the mom of a dead baby. I mean…" She drifts off. "It's not fair."

"No, it isn't." Reid speaks without thinking. "Not in the slightest. " He exhales slowly. "But you don't have to grieve alone."

"I am a hormonal nut. Being alone was better for us all." She sits down, picking up a pair of knitting needles. Frantically, she knits as she talks. "Knitting's keeping me semi-calm. She'll at least have a blanket with her. Wasn't what I imagined when I bought this yarn." She winces, her arm brushing against her chest.

Reid is at a loss for words. He knows that nothing he can say will make Garcia feel better. The pain they share is universal but he senses that Penelope is in more pain than him.

"The doctor says all I can do is try to get my milk to go away. Cabbage leaves, ice packs, Tylenol, etc. That's why I've been alone." She sighs, setting her knitting aside. "I miss her more than I ever thought possible."

Reid nods.

"So do I." He closes his eyes, trying to focus on his choice of words. "She was here six months. I can't remember how we lived before her."

"And I can't imagine how we're going to live after her." Garcia stares toward the ceiling. "Seriously, Spencer, I can't imagine how I'm going to wake up tomorrow and know that our Sadie isn't here. That it will be a very long time before I get to see her again. If I get to at all- that is." Shaking violently, she picks up her needles and begins knitting again.

"Come with us back to the hotel. I don't think any of us should be alone right now." Reid extends his hand. "You don't have to grieve alone. No matter what you're going through, you know Derek and I have your back. You're family and this is what family does in hard time. We stick together."

XxX

"I'm really not hungry," Garcia grumbles, picking at the piece of vegan pizza. "How can I focus on food at a time like this?" She sighs, frantically groping for her knitting. "I've got one day to get this finished. I can eat once it's done. She's not going anywhere without a blanket and her bunny. I insist."

"And that's okay, Baby Girl," Morgan assures her. "The service is tomorrow." He throws his pen down in a fit of frustration. "How can I write a eulogy for my six month old daughter? I feel like I can't really say much other than she slept a lot and was starting to develop into a little person."

"Then, say that." Reid looks up from his writing. "It's what I'm saying. Do you want a sneak peek of what I'm writing?"

"If you want to, I don't mind listening." Garcia looks up. "Talking helps to quiet my brain."

Sadie was a baby like many other babies. She enjoyed her strained plums and hated peas. We couldn't feed her peas without wearing them. I couldn't help but agree with her. I like peas about as much as I like spinach. So ,I only made her eat peas when Derek forced me to under the guise of they were good for her.

She slept a lot like any new baby. It wasn't always fun for me when I just wanted to hold her but we learned to adapt. I can't tell you how many times I'd strap her into her sling and just walk around town. She slept and I got to enjoy my time with her. Or the nights when she got super fussy… I would take off my shirt and let her fall asleep against my chest. I think it comforted her to know she wasn't alone at night.

Sadie had the honor of being the recipient of my first diaper change. Practically thirty and I never learned how to change a diaper. The first time was a bit of a disaster but I quickly learned how she liked it. She hated A*D Ointment but loved the all organic special diaper rash crème.

She was a baby but she was one of the most fun, most unique babies I've ever seen. I feel that in the six months we had with her, we could definitely see the kind of person she'd become. Looking at her late at night, I couldn't help but think she'd be as quirky as her mama with the strength and perseverance of her daddies.

Though we'll miss her, we'll all be better because she was here. I certainly my life will never be the same. I never knew a twenty pound baby girl could steal my heart. And I love her for it. Sadie, you will never be truly gone from our hearts but we always miss and love you.

Daddy Spencer loves you, Little Princess.