2 months later
I jerk upright as I'm alerted by a small sound. The images of death, blood and red clog my mind. My eyes adjust immediately and I'm active on my feet, rushing over to Sam, sleeping in the next room in our two-room apartment. I throw open her door and see a usual sight: her eyes shut tight, teeth clenched and cold sweat. I shake her shoulder, trying to rouse her. I don't speak anything since I know she can't hear me right now, and after minutes of trying I finally manage to get her awake.
She hugs me and squeezes me so hard I can't breathe.
"Himiko….she's there," is all she chokes out.
"Shhh, Sam, you know she's not here. It was a dream. I'm here. Not Himiko. She's gone."
Sam nods and we stay like that for a few minutes.
"Lara, did I wake you?"
"No, I was already up, Sam." Well, half-awake anyway.
"Yamatai?"
"Yes."
"Lara, I'm so sorry."
"Don't worry about it. You should go back to sleep."
"Only if you do the same."
"I promise I will after you."
"Alright."
She lies back down and pulls the covers over herself. I walk away and lean against her door until I confirm that she's fallen into a peaceful sleep. With Sam, if she wakes up and sleep again, her nightmares don't come back. That's not the case with me, though.
I know I'm breaking my promise to her, but I put on a jacket, shoes and take my phone as I leave the apartment, closing all doors and windows. I usually walk around most nights, even though I know 3:00 am is probably the most stupid time to do that.
I take my usual route and walk towards the big grocery mart. It's closed, but there's a convenience store open next to it, catering to late night shoppers. I walk past it, and continue ahead for a few minutes when I see a tall hooded figure walking in front of me. He has a bag from that convenience store, but with the way his brown hood is up he reminds me of the Solarii brotherhood and all the men I saw. And then killed. Calm down, I tell myself. My breathing becomes ragged and I think he notices it, because he turns around.
It's the last person I expected, but the best I could meet at this time.
"Lara! Are you fine?"
I nod, calming down. He pulls down his hood, exposing his sleep deprived eyes and tousled hair. He quickly drops his bag and put a hand on my shoulder, and I feel much better already.
"What are you doing out here?" I ask him, clearly surprised to see him.
"I should be asking you that."
"Well, I wanted to go for a walk. My apartment was too hot and Sam didn't want the conditioner on. You?"
"I didn't feel like sleeping so I was buying some stuff."
"You buy your needs at 3 in the morning?"
"I'm using my time wisely."
"Fair enough," I tell him light-heartedly. Trust Alex to make some smartass comment to light up the mood.
"You wanna come up to my apartment? It's just a few blocks from here."
I ponder over that, but then I realize that I still don't want Sam to be alone.
"I can't, but how about you come over to mine?"
"As long as you don't mind."
I shake my head and we fall into step.
"So, why couldn't you sleep, Lara?" He breaks the silence.
"I told you, it was too hot."
"Haha, nice try. Did you have a nightmare too?"
I don't answer and I think he feels embarrassed about it.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to say that."
"It's fine. I did, by the way." Every night since coming back from Yamatai I've had them.
He remains silent, when I fire his question back at him.
"And why were you up? You know I'm not buying your late night gaming sessions anymore."
"Well, if you should know, I had a bad dream too. It was probably nothing compared to what you have, though."
I swear to god, it's like he lives to downplay himself.
"But it was a nightmare nonetheless."
"Yeah, I guess."
We fall back into silence as I wonder what he has nightmares of. All of us came back from that place with something to haunt us: Reyes had Roth's death, Sam had Himiko, Jonah had Roth and Grim – the list goes on – but I really wonder what troubles him. I know he was close to Roth, and probably knew Grim too. Maybe he saw some things he shouldn't have seen when he was on the Endurance.
It's not the best topic for no
w and we continue walking. Stopping below my apartment, I unlock the door and let us in. I motion for him to stay quiet as I check on Sam. She's breathing evenly and isn't thrashing. I guess she's in a dreamless sleep. Since I know she'll wake up hearing us talk in the living room, we come to my room. The light from outside is enough to make out the furniture, so I don't switch on the light.
I tell him to sit on my bed while I come back with a glass of water, and he takes it gratefully, thanking me. It's actually very awkward now – none of us know what to talk about – and he's usually the conversation starter between the two of us. He just looks out the window, which is what I do too, leaning against the windowsill.
I decide that it's okay to ask him about his nightmares now, even though it isn't my place. I can't help it, I am curious. And concerned for him too, I guess. Sam, Alex and I – the three of us were especially young for that place. I think that's why only we understand ourselves.
"Alex, what do you have dreams about?", I ask him, snapping out of his reverie. I can see him become uncomfortable at the question, but he takes a deep breath and answers anyway.
"While I was on the Endurance, I had to see all kinds of things that demented brotherhood did. The first day I went there, I was hiding above the guards in a few pipes, and one of them had failed to shut a door. He was shot right there by the other guards. I thought that would be the worst thing I had to see. The very next day, moments before I was caught, three of those guys found me hiding under a bunk. Before they could sound the alarm I had to shoot them. The shots alerted everyone anyway. I shot three guys, Lara. I didn't even think before shooting them. Maybe they could've escaped the crazy brotherhood if they were alive."
I never thought he'd go through such a thing. He seemed so calm and adorably clueless that it looked impossible for him to swat a fly, let alone kill three men. I guess that's what that place turned us into. Little broken people filled with regrets and hate.
"God, Alex, I really can't imagine that." It's true. I remember how it was for me the first time I killed a man, but I knew the moment I woke up shipwrecked on that place that I'd have to do all kinds of things to live. Alex, he wasn't even supposed to go on that ship. He couldn't have possible known he'd have to do that. And while I had had some basic training from Roth, physically and mentally, he had nothing. And yet there he was wielding a gun and shooting people just to get us tools. Without even telling me.
He stays silent at his admission and I can see that he's trying not to think of it. I immediately feel guilty for bringing up the topic.
"Alex, why didn't you tell me you were going to the Endurance? We could've gotten the tools much more easily."
"What, and have you running around injuring yourself even more? You already had enough to deal with, Lara. I'll admit, I was careless, but we did get the tools. I just wanted to give you a break. I know Reyes was really skeptical about it, but I guess in the end you had to come down to the ship anyway."
I never knew he could over analyze and be so serious about things. He looks better now, like he's on the verge of making some silly remark.
"Well, thanks for the notion nonetheless, Alex."
"No problem." He grins, and I crack a small smile back. It's been hard to do that, but I guess he's the kind of guy that doesn't take everything too hard on others.
I hear movement outside and reach for my pillow under which my handgun hides, before I realize it's just Sam, who we probably woke up.
"Lara?"
"In here, Sam."
She enters and takes a double take upon seeing Alex. With the way the light is cast, only the planes of his face are visible, but I guess she makes him out anyway.
"Oh, hey, Alex."
"Hey, Sam."
She looks at both of us, then asks in her typical bold manner, "Am I interrupting something?"
Alex gets an embarrassed look on his face, while I tell her, "No, Sam, nothing was happening. Did we wake you?"
"Not really. I mean, I had to get a drink of water anyway, so…"
"Right."
I think she realized that she had in fact interrupted something, because she takes her leave, saying, "Don't forget to sleep, Lara." She shuts the door behind her and I wait until I hear bustling in the kitchen and her room door closing.
Alex leans against the headboard of my bed, and tired of standing, I sit on the bed beside him.
"Does she get any sleep?", he asks.
"The thing with her is, once she's woken up, she can go back into a dreamless sleep."
"She's actually very lucky."
"Yeah."
"When was the last time you had a good night's sleep?"
"I can't even remember, it was way before Yamatai."
He chuckles and adds, "Same here."
I glance at my bedside clock, reading a sharp 4:32 am. Since the window's shut the room's getting stuffy, so we head to the living room, taking a seat on the couch. He leans his head back comfortably, and I draw my feet under me, facing him.
"What do you go when you can't sleep, Alex?"
"I do productive stuff," he says, pointing to the grocery bag near my door.
"Yes, buying groceries at 3 in the morning is productive."
"Well, since I fail to function as a human throughout the day, what better time than at night?"
"Fair enough," I humor him. I can understand what he's saying; sometimes the lack of sleep actually catches up and it's very hard to remain awake.
We go back and forth like this a little longer, talking in hushed tones, before I find myself slowly becoming drowsy and finally, falling asleep.