It was common knowledge that Usopp the marksman specialist had a superiority of mind. A superiority of wit and a superiority of style, but most of all, he had a superiority of courage. He noted in most people he was acquainted with, a barely suppressed envy of his good fortune and thus placed him in high regard amongst his peers, almost as if he were master. Usopp, however, could boast of the good fortune to have such an easy temperament of character that such compliments paid to him on a daily basis would never inflate an ego, which he dare say does not exist.
'Gahh! What the hell is that?' what could only be described as a high pitched shriek escaped said mans throat as he definitely felt something land on his head. 'Of all the days not to wear a hat' he thought, but plucked up the courage to shake whatever foul creature it was that thought it would be a good idea to think his head was a good place to land. It would be sorry; it will be no more of this world when he was finished with it!
Taking a few seconds to collect his nerves, no, courage that is. He paused in his walk down the moderately busy high street, not noticing that several other people were now giving him a rather large birth or the mothers dragging their children away from such a suspiciously behaving man. He then on the count of three raised his arms, poised for action. 1..2...3! His hands dived onto his head, batting quickly at it as he faced down to the ground. A distressed sounding hum was coming from somewhere close but Usopp couldn't place who it was from, it couldn't be himself. After batting for several seconds he was rewarded by the object floating towards the ground, utterly defeated. There lay a rather sorry looking red and yellow leaf that must have fallen from one of the many silver birch trees that littered the area.
'Hah ah ha ha ha' an uncomfortable and forced laugh came from Usopp as he peered out at a small crowd he had gathered, although thankfully most people were just avoiding him and going on their ways.
'Are you okay sir?' a little old dear who only came up to Usopp's chest in height asked him. 'Leaves do get everywhere at this time of year don't they. Ooh I sometimes get a fright myself!' she exclaimed.
'Yes that's right' Usopp thought, 'leaves are a pest!' consoling himself that his reaction to the situation was perfectly natural or rational for anyone, he eased back into easiness as his confidence restored.
'Oh yes madam,' he replied 'that gave me quite a fright for a second but I soon knew that it was only a leaf so just easily removed it. I felt there was no need to overreact at the situation. I am quite okay, thank you for asking. I do hope you have a pleasant day.' Usopp finished his speech in a slight rush with some more uncomfortable chuckles.
At least most of the small crowd had moved off. Now all that remained was the little old lady who started talking to him and a pretty blonde girl who appeared to be trying very hard not to laugh at him by covering her mouth with her hand. The little old lady was starting to look at him in confusion.
'Well, really ladies I must be on my way. Do have a good day, both of you' with this Usopp walked past them both at a perfectly leisurely pace, no he was not almost jogging, it was fine.
Both of the woman followed him with their eyes until he crossed the street. The old lady, while baffled stated; 'well what a strange young man he was' before turning and going on her way in the opposite direction. The blonde finally laughed out before continuing on herself.
Thankfully for Usopp he had so much manly pride that he never felt foolish for his actions. He was a young man of 22 and of average height. After battling his large weight in the past year or so he now had an impressive physique, not that he liked to show it off very often. He was blessed with the looks from his late mother, long dark eyelashes, thick full lips, a mass of thick curly black hair, which he tied back at the nape of his neck, but what most distinguished him was his nose, which curiously stuck out by about 15cm in length.
It would be fair to say that he was full on jogging now and heading to his last stop off before he headed back to HQ. He'd heard news that Zoro and Sanji would be returning today so he had to get plenty of supplies in preparation of their arrival because everyone knew that chaos would only ensue wherever the pair went. He had purposely left this shop for last because the owner was rather alternative, often making the small hairs on the back of Usopps neck stand on end. The shop wasn't exactly legal but it was hidden in plain sight of central Grand Line by having at its front a very innocent looking cupcake shop.
Seeing the unmistakable facia of bright fuchsia pink settled into the beginning of a number of large three story stone terraces with ground floor shops, Usopp slowed to a walk once more. This was a very reputable and wealthy part of the city. However, even he would have to admit that some mental preparation was needed before he entered this place. Oddly enough the shop became hugely popular and quite famous after the cupcakes were featured in a popular female sitcom on the Marine TV network. It was called S&M in the City, where in Usopps opinion; four women went around terrorising any men that happened to cross their paths. The main character, Sadi-chan, actually posed with the huge hulking owner, Moria, for a news article. She was in a questionable outfit that barely held everything in place of scarlet red PVC holding a box of cupcakes in one hand and a body length black trident in the other. However, since the press release several months' back, which also alerted the world's media because it featured Sadi-chan, detailing the shops exact location, there has always been a humungous queue to get into the place.
This sight always somewhat disturbed Usopp because he knew what the "side" business of Thriller Bark Cupcakes was. He also knew well the shady characters who worked there and quite frankly, everyone that worked there was just plain creepy. Taking a deep breath Usopp strengthened his resolve and rather than joining the back of the queue, which stretched past a whole food shop and fitness centre to its right which were wholly being ignored by the cupcake loving public, Usopp went around the side where a delivery van in a similar bright pink to the shop was parked. There was another entrance into the property from round the back that was not for the majority of the public but it would happily assist their other clientele.
Unlike the front of the building, which had been part destroyed by their eyesore of a shop front, the back celebrated the grey and ochre stone which made the terrace look as rich as the surrounding area. There was a small paved garden which housed a large oak tree and several rose bushes along the neat boarder, the flowers having been cut off in the autumn months. Two carved stone benches lied to the sides creating a walkway to the oak at the rear while the terracotta paving tiles were arranged in a circular pattern leading to an oak and pink tinted glass door. Usopp after taking a gulp, squaring his shoulders and raising his head knocked on the door the required five times.
The door was opened by the shop owners' daughter, which caught Usopp off guard. She normally worked in the cupcake shop.
'Oh, it's you with the nose' she said in overly sweet but clearly disappointed tone.
Perona, the daughter to the Moria's, was known for being blunt; Usopp had seen some tough looking guys reduced to shells of depression after Perona had finished with them. Sometimes you would catch one wandering around outside their shop fluttering about like some kind of half ghost. It was easy enough to guess that those guys had had an encounter with Perona although it could be said any of the Moria's could have such an effect on people. Funnily enough Perona never had that much effect on Usopp himself, he suspected she gave up trying to scare him some time ago because he was far too brave a creature, he was unaffected by her taunts.
Perona remained in the doorway peering at Usopp expectantly with her wide staring eyes and pouting lips. She appeared to be wearing an attempt at some kind of queen costume today, she often dressed up. A rather tall crown with a huge cross in the centre of it was perched on top of a pink pigtailed wig on her doll like head. No one was actually sure what Perona's natural hair colour was, at least no one but her real parents Usopp suspected. She always wore wigs then dyed her eyebrows the same colour. He doubted any queen would dress like her version of the monarchy unless they were drag queens perhaps. She wore patent leather knee high platform boots in red, black and white horizontal striped tights and a red skater miniskirt. She matched this with a waist length scarlet velvet cape with furry white trim over a skin tight white long sleeved top with some kind of black tribal print on the chest. Still whatever she happened to be wearing it was those eyes that stared at you like they were looking straight through you that were the most unnerving thing about her. Those eyes that almost bugged out and Usopp swore never blinked were directed right at him as she stood as a statue blocking his path into the property.
Usopp decided that it was the time to switch on his best charming tactics. He could melt any heart, even if the heart happened to belong to a crazy, bug eyed, cute things enthusiast. Usopp decided to bow low, sweeping his right arm around to finish tucked into his stomach; looking at his feet he made his address.
'Ah, the b-b-b-beautiful P-P-Perona. You look, ehh, l-lovely today'.
Okay, he might be a little bit nervous but definitely not scared.
'Really? How can you tell when you're looking at the floor?' Was Perona's reply. Still she stood where she was unmoving and still staring.
Usopp stood straight 'Well Perona, you always look lovely'. He couldn't quite look her in the eye as he said that. Perona just continued to stare. He changed tactic.
'Well, I'm here for some supplies is there someone here to, ehh, assist me?'
'Hmm, well, Absalom is upstairs; Moria is away on business' Perona informed Usopp but still wasn't stepping aside to let him in. Usopp's heart may have dropped into his gut at the mention of Absalom's name. Perona was the sweetest creature in the world compared to that insane pervert.
'Ah, well, is he available?' It would be fair to say that Usopp couldn't keep the tone of loathing out of his voice. Perona either didn't notice or chose not to notice as she finally stepped aside to let Usopp enter the rear of the property. The entryway was a fairly small space decorated richly in moss green paper, slate flooring and dark mahogany woodwork. Several photos of the Moria "family" covered the walls. They were not blood related, Perona was only Moria's daughter by some kind of title, but all "family" members had joined together by simply congregating to one another, by oddness Usopp guessed, at an old fight club over in Shabody, west Grand Line. Oddly enough this is also where most of the Straw Hats met, a band of misfits headed by Usopp's best friend Luffy.
Usopp knew that the door directly ahead was entrance to the cupcake shop; there were stairs to the left, where Usopp would be heading to get his purchases from the upper floors. There were three other entrances on this level which housed a stock room, kitchen and small toilet.
Usopp's and Perona's attention was suddenly directed towards the shop as a rather loud clatter and a shout of 'Cindry-chan!' bellowed from through the doorway. Within a few seconds a cupcake topped with blue icing rolled into the hallway. Perona sighed then stepped over the cupcake fully ignoring the situation in the shop.
'Oi, come with me, okay?' her overly sweet tone beckoned Usopp away from the ground floor and the sudden head of blonde bob chasing dropped cupcakes on hands and knees. Usopp rather reluctantly started climbing the stairs behind Perona, glancing back at Cindry the blank but sweet and overly accident prone shop assistant the Moria's hired about a year ago.
Up the stairs Perona turned right and stopped outside the first door on the landing. The walls were a cream here and the wood still the dark mahogany that furnished the entire property. Usopp had only been into Absalom's room once before, he normally did business with Moria who usually made him stay in his office. To be honest he didn't particularly want to repeat the experience of Absalom and his room, but here he was once again.
Perona rapped on the door while almost whining that a customer was here. She continued her relentless knocking until a sleepy but annoyed looking Absalom opened the door. Suddenly he glared daggers at Perona when he comprehended that it was her who had woken him. Usopp at least liked to think he had simply been asleep, it may be about midday but he didn't want to think of any other activities he could have been doing.
Absalom seemed to growl at Perona almost slitting his eyes at her. It was odd to look at. Absalom had his face tattooed to look like a panthers, his favourite animal, this "art" extended down his whole body so he pretty much looked like a lion man. Unfortunately for most, Usopp believed, Absalom did not care much for wearing clothes most of the time but oddly would always wear a white turban on his head of shoulder length blonde hair. If Absalom did make the effort to go out, he'd do a complete 180° and be dressed to the nines, suited and booted in a style reminiscent from 1900's Europe and would behave just as foppish. Luckily today Absalom had managed to wear some jogging bottoms, much better than the saggy under pants of their last encounter. He had one hell of a split personality.
'Quit being so damn annoying, you damn annoying woman!' Absalom stated dagger eyed and jaw squared.
Perona coldly stared back and gave her beadiest of beady eye popping stares to him, that Usopp had ever seen. This staring contest seemed to last for what seemed like a rather uncomfortable 5 minutes. In actuality it may have been about 30 seconds but it still set Usopp on edge. He never liked coming here at the best of times, he didn't want to be around to witness "sibling" quarrels.
'You need to get your lazy self up, we have a customer' Perona eventually said.
'Why couldn't you have dealt with it?' Absalom spat back.
'I'm not going to route around in your disgusting sordid room, you deal with it' Perona sweetly deadpanned back.
'My room is not disgusting' Absalom outraged although Usopp mentally begged to differ that statement.
'You only say that because you don't realise how vile you are! I have things to do' and with that Perona promptly walked away and went back down the stairs.
Usopp had been relatively ignored to this point but Absalom continued to growl under his breath as he seethed at Perona's last statement or Perona in general or anything for that matter, Usopp could never be sure with this guy. When he finally laid eyes on Usopp he stopped and instead looked bored and sleepy once more.
'Oh, it's you with the nose' he said in a somewhat flat but clearly disappointed tone.
Usopp resigned himself to never getting any appreciation for his custom from this family. He believed he deserved at least a little respect from his intimidating status amongst hunters.
'Are you after more arms?' Absalom continued.
'Just some a-ammunition and m-maybe some explosives' damn it, why was he stuttering? His pride would not allow him to do so again!
'Riiiiight, well come in then' Absalom replied still clearly bored but opened his door further to allow Usopp entry.
The first thing to hit you when entering this large room is always the pungent smell of incense and body odour. The one window on the back wall might as well be bolted shut for the amount of use it got. It was always covered with heavy rich burgundy fabric, which made the room dark and the atmosphere always seemed a little humid. The main feature of the room was a huge circular bed, which came with various attachments including; chains, leather cuffs, whips, feathers and vibrators to name but a few. The red satin covering was sporting a few disturbing stains of various colours, which made a shiver go down Usopps' spine. The right wall sported a number of glass encased shelves displaying an array of masks and head pieces. The wall also housed three double wardrobes which contained Absalom's many costumes and outfits, another shiver went down Usopps' spine. The walls were papered in expensive linen paper in deep blue with gold leafy patterns. The floor was mostly covered in a deep cream shag pile rug, which again showed a few spots of various stains. The left wall was dedicated to a huge flat screen television, which inappropriately in Usopp's opinion was showing a porn video. A huge collection of x rated material filled three bookshelves towards the back of the room. Usopp wanted to leave as soon as he'd entered.
Absalom followed him in then shut the door. Usopp didn't move much further forward then a few steps; he didn't want to be near the bed nor the masks nor the porn. He only prayed that Absalom wasn't in a "playful" mood.
Absalom moved around Usopp to stand in front of him only to then stare in a bored manor looking him up and down. Just as predicted earlier, the hairs on the back of Usopp's neck started to stand on end. After a few seconds Absalom's bored expression turned into a smirk. Usopp began to sweat and was aware that he was probably grimacing, the background noise of overly exaggerated sex noises from the video were not helping Usopp's otherwise cool demeanour either.
'I'm not going to serve you until you are more appropriately attired' Absalom claimed out of nowhere. Usopp's jaw dropped.
'You look far too scruffy, what do you think you're doing wearing green dungarees and dirty brown boots when you come to this house?'
Reeling slightly at this random put down, without thinking Usopp blurted 'how can you say that when all you're wearing is jogging bottoms and you're tattooed from head to toe?'
Absalom quickly frowned then narrowed his eyes at Usopp and randomly started to pace in front of him. Suddenly his face turned sly and a spark came to his eye. Usopp's heart was starting to beat more frantically as he prepared himself to bolt.
'You are quite correct, where are my manors today?' Absalom said quite airily then stopped to pose side on then dramatically whipped off his bottoms from his hips. It would appear that the trousers had concealed openings down the outside legs and were off completely in seconds from the forward tug he gave the fabric. Usopp stepped back slightly as there was once again an Absalom clad only in slightly saggy leopard print boxer briefs and a white turban. At moments like this Usopp would wonder who he offended in life past or present to deserve such horrible bad luck. Flinging the trousers behind him Absalom then marched over to his shelves of masks and headwear.
'Hmm, a gimp mask would suit you best with a face like that but then they would never go over that nose of yours. Such a shame.' He sighed pondering; Usopp's thread of pride shattered and fell to the floor.
'Ah ha!' Absalom claimed. 'Oh yes, I think this will do you very well, yes, you would become much more appealing'. He then opened the middle cabinet and selected a black rubber mask from the bottom self. The mask was attached to a rubber cap, which would cover the top half of Usopp's head and had small pointy ears which looked like spiral cones.
'Put it on' he manically laughed 'no wait a minute!' Absalom then scampered over his bed towards his back wall picked up a silver tub of something and then hurtled back towards Usopp. His face was a picture of disturbing excitement. Usopp was even closer to bolting at this point, he could go without his special ammunition. It just wasn't worth this terror!
'Here' Absalom guffawed before throwing the small tub at Usopp's eyebrow. This made Absalom howl in laughter again.
'Put it around your eyes' Absalom came uncomfortably close to Usopp then dragged him to a mirror and boxed him in place with a hysterical grin on his face.
Usopp reluctantly opened the small tin to find a stiff black cream inside. It was face paint. Usopp just stared at it without any intention of putting it on his face. Absalom probably sensing this saw fit to then run his arms up the sides of Usopp's legs until they came to rest on his hips and made vulgar grinding motions behind his back.
'I can't wait all day' he whispered in Usopp's ear.
Usopp gulped, his hackles starting to rise. He knew he would be able to leave quicker if he just did what he was told. Miserably a slightly shaking right hand started applying the face paint around the sockets of his eyes.
'Yeessss' Absalom purred still from behind him. When Usopp finished Absalom took it upon himself to start styling Usopp as he saw best. First he removed the hair tie binding back his curls. Once he'd finished his preening, which seemed to include at least five different hair products, Usopp sported a bigger afro then the musical assassin Brook. The mask soon went on afterwards forcing the volume of hair to stick out comically from ear level to the top of his shoulders. The mask not only had the small cone like ears but the rubber had enhanced cheekbones and a cat like "M" shape built in around the eye holes and nose. Usopp was forced to strip to his underwear, Absalom laughing so manically he sounded insane. Well he was insane in Usopp's opinion; he really just wanted to leave. By the time Absalom had finished and saw fit to put on another x-rated film as the other had finished, Usopp could only think that he now looked somewhere between a Mexican wrestler, superhero and a pervert. He was wearing skin tight shiny black leggings, calf length tie up black leather boots, a black and silver studded codpiece and a black and silver edged cropped top. He was miserable.
Absalom sighed dramatically and paused to once over his new creation.
'Puuurrrrfect!' he claimed, 'you should dress this way more often, you will wear this when you do business with us or we will not serve you'. Usopp's jaw hit the floor.
'What?' Usopp shrieked, 'I can't go out looking like this, I look like one of you crazy weirdoes!' Usopp blurted out before he could think about it.
Absalom immediately looked affronted but then his face cracked and he was doubling over in howls of laughter again.
Usopp sighed and clenching his fists stated as if he were nonplussed 'can I get some ammunition now that I'm . . . . . . properly dressed?'
Absalom paused in his laughter although the mirth still shone in his eyes he then gave a dramatic bow and then stated 'yes sir, it will be my pleasure'.
'And what would sir like exactly today?' Absalom then winked at Usopp.
Usopp couldn't help it, he full on cringed from that gesture and had to turn away. Absalom started chuckling again then when a shiver went down Usopp's spine the chuckles turned into howls once more.
'Right, well come on then, I have other things I can be doing so let's get this over with'. Absalom suddenly declared once more in his bored tone. Usopp was positive this guy was either bipolar or schizophrenic, that aside he actually breathed a small sigh of relief that the worst was clearly over now. Absalom walked over to the one porn filled bookshelf on the TV wall and pressed whatever it was that triggered the secret door to the hidden room, which stocked the produce for their side business.
'Come with me' Absalom said almost angrily then glared at Usopp. Usopp followed teeth clenched while repeatedly telling himself that 'it's almost over now'. Usopp made his way following after Absalom then quietly seethed at the fact that his left boot squeaked with every step he took.
Upon entering the concealed room the dramatic difference in appearance always startled Usopp a little. While the majority of the house had no expense spared on its luxurious finishes, this room had every expense going spared. The walls were left to their bare plaster and the room was always chill and murky from the lack of any natural light. All the produce, which consisted of guns, bombs and an array of ammunition, was stored in cheap plastic containers and seemed to be carelessly stacked wherever a bit of space was available. One bare shadeless light lit the room from the centre ceiling, casting numerous shadows across the room. Absalom made his way to the far right corner where a bookshelf with half the back missing sufficed as a serving area with a step ladder leaning against the wall behind it.
Absalom paused behind the broken bookshelf to look back at Usopp. As Usopp weaved between all the boxes in his new black outfit with squeaking boot looking as awkward as a self conscious man can ever look soon had Absalom laughing at him once again.
'You know I'm having a little party tomorrow night, which will be S&M in the City themed. Some of the charaters from the show are coming. You'd fit right in if you wanted to attend?' Absalom grinned at Usopp while wiggling his eyebrows.
'Aarrgghh ummmm NO! No thank you' uttered Usopp timidly.
Absalom laughed again 'well that is a shame, I think you'd be lots of fun' he then licked his lips. Usopp squirmed from the gesture and was starting to overly sweat in his skin tight outfit.
'Well, there you go, I have t-things to do' Usopp cleared his throat. 'Anyway, I'd like 300 exploding stars, 70 beetle busters, 150 flame bombs, 40'.
'Hang on a damn moment!' Absalom said in an annoyed tone. 'Not a light visit then? Just say one thing at a time so I can get what you want, damn it all'.
Usopp listed off all of the items he required; well he liked to buy in bulk to limit his visits to the Moria's to as little as possible. Absalom, who has never been a great fan of doing work which takes him away from his hobbies was getting in a surlier mood with every ordered item. Plastic tubs were getting thrown about in his temper, showing a complete disregard to the high percentage of explosives in the relatively small space. Usopp was now even more desperate to leave.
'My condition of I-don't-want-to-die-because-of-crazy-people-throwing-explosives-about-in-the-room-I'm-standing-in disease is coming on' Usopp chattered out, eyes wide in clear fear.
'What?' Absalom snarled after he'd bagged the last 100 exploding stars and then growled 'do you want anything else?'
'No-no erm yes, I o-ordered some jungle pellets' Usopp said in a slightly higher voice then normal standing stiff as a board.
'Grrr, we got them for you, it was pain in the arse!' Absalom unceremoniously tossed a small plastic container with the other purchases. 'Is that it?'
Words at this point failing Usopp as he stared goggle eyed at his thrown about purchases simply shook his head.
'Thank the lord!' Absalom growled then began to bag up the items in Thriller Bark Cupcakes bags without being particularly careful about it. Once finished Absalom wrote down the order on a tatty A4 work pad totting up the payment total.
'For all the ammunition and bombs plus your outfit from my exclusive wardrobe'
'What?' Usopp shouted in mild outrage.
'From my exclusive wardrobe' Absalom growled angrily 'that comes to §65,500 berries'.
'What the hell?' Usopp shouted indignantly 'Just how much is this ridiculous outfit you've put me in, which I don't even want, cost?'
Absalom was on Usopp in a flash. He was pinching the fabric of the black crop top and drawing Usopp into his personal space so they were mere inches apart. 'Do you have a problem with my taste in dress?'
'N-n-n-n-n-n-n-no-o, no, of course not. I was just a bit surprised that clothes can cost so much but then I only ever get cheap clothes. I don't have any style you see, I just don't know these things. Please forgive me for my ignorance in such matters' Usopp gushed out and ended with uncomfortable high pitched laughing. Absalom just growled low but let go of Usopp however he glared at him continuously.
'So that's §50,000 berries, how are you paying?' Absalom spat.
Usopp didn't question the sudden drop in the amount he had to pay, Usopp wasn't entirely unwise in the knowledge that Absalom wasn't exactly known for his attention span. 'The cash is in my shoulder pouch, which is in your room as you made me take it off'.
'Grrr, fine, take your bags and let's get out of here' Absalom almost shouted, clearly losing his interest in this exchange now. The unfortunate sounds of the x-rated video were the only sounds that could be heard now as Absalom remained silent. Usopp relieved that it was almost over dashed to his discarded clothes and drew out a wad of beri notes from his shoulder bag. He hastily counted out the required amount in front of Absalom, whose attention was more on the screen of his TV.
'Here' Usopp handed the notes to Absalom who took them in a distracted way. Usopp seeing that Absalom's attention was no longer upon himself, took the opportunity to gather his belongings and escape. Once he'd walked in a very casual manor, not at all running, out the door he accidently threw several of his purchases into the hallway in a slightly hasty rush to close the door behind him. He could hear howls of laughter through the door once again and a mocking 'come again soon'.
Slightly indignant over his rash behaviour Usopp once again gathered all of his purchases and clothing and made his way down the stairs where he could see Perona waiting for him with a box of cupcakes. He noticed that he was getting a slightly more beady eyed stare then normal and realised it was likely because he was in his horrible costume "a la Absalom".
'You look nice' Perona stated in a flat monotone.
'What the hell?' Usopp thought. 'Ahh, Perona, would you mind if I used your bathroom to get changed back into my normal clothes again?'
As expected this prompted several seconds of Perona staring at him as if she actually had a 10 second delay at understanding the question asked.
'Yes, I would mind. Besides you actually look much better this way, why would you want to change?' Perona pouted. Usopp mentally sighed.
'These cupcakes are for you.' Perona presented the box to Usopp, who was genuinely taken aback by such a nice gesture from one of the Moria's. Perhaps he was mistaken and they did respect him deep down, he did come across as quite the intimidating man after all.
'Thank you Perona, that's really nice of you' Usopp was genuine in his compliment.
'Its okay' Perona replied, 'those were the cupcakes that Cindry dropped on the floor earlier. I thought Luffy would eat them anyway'. Usopp had to admit mentally that was probably true although the gesture in general sure lost its shine.
'There is one that isn't soiled though, it has green icing, make sure you give it to Zoro and tell him that it's from me, okay?' Perona insisted, her eyes widening more than usual, which Usopp previously assumed was impossible.
Although Usopp couldn't help but be immediately sympathetic towards Zoro for having such a strange creature like Perona obviously pining after him, he also couldn't help but think that Perona's efforts were completely futile. He wasn't even sure if Zoro knew who she was. However, now quite mentally exhausted by another fun filled visit to Thriller Bark Cupcakes, Usopp was well and truly ready to leave.
'Oh, I'll be sure to pass on the message Perona. Thank you again for the cakes but I really must be going.'
'Okay, fine'. Perona deadpanned and stared even more.
Usopp couldn't help but feel awkward when a woman said those dreaded two words to him as surely it meant that it wasn't fine, in fact it was so far from fine he may as well just admit he did wrong for whatever the hell it was that he had done wrong in Perona's eyes. Then again Perona was weird and maybe that was just her way of saying he could go. Deciding he didn't really care anymore and that the latter option was more agreeable to him, he headed for the back door so he could leave and hopefully not have to come back again for several months.
'Well see you later Perona' she just stared; he opened the door, exited, closed it behind him then breathed out the longest sigh he could with one breath. 'Jeez, they just get worse on every visit' Ussop mentally complained.
Not wanting to stay around long so people could see him dressed like he was, Usopp conducted a stealth strategy on how to get to his van with as few people seeing him as possible. He knew he'd have to stay low, keep to small walkways and walk as quietly as possible. He then fully assessed his situation, he was heading out on a main road, he had four large pink shopping bags plus his old clothes, a squeaky left boot and he was wearing an outfit that stuck out like a sore thumb. Usopp sighed; he didn't stand a chance in hell of not being noticed.
Deciding instead to just grin and bare it, he set off down the driveway and out onto the street at something that closely resembled a power walk. One of the women from the cupcake queue decided to scream hysterically and point at Usopp once he had crossed the road obviously mistaking him as someone famous from the random names being thrown his way. That was the final straw, he bolted. He finally started running as quickly as he could to the safety of his van, which he cursed was parked another seven streets away. Running while wearing a codpiece was also incredible awkward and the metal studs in it were not aiding his escape attempts. He had to adapt his run to one where his legs were wide apart, which made his movements much more dramatically jerky. Usopp came to realise when he was halfway there that he was actually screaming and promptly shut his mouth. He noticed that some kids were actually crying at the sight of him while others seemed to just stop whatever they had been doing to stare after him looking disturbed.
Humiliation was carving a deep ravine through Usopp but he put more effort into his waddle run so he could finally get some kind of cover in the safety of his van. Finally coming upon the car park actually brought a tear to Usopp's eye although everyone here seemed to stare in stunned wonder at the sight of him as well. Deciding to just walk with his head held high at last he dumped his purchases in the back of his van but took out a handful of jungle pellets. He quickly scrambled to the pay machine with his parking ticket and had to cover 2:17 hours. Finally getting that paid Usopp was so relieved he actually skipped back to his van with a smile on his face. This definitely got a few more stares but Usopp was beyond humiliation at this point, he got in his van and quickly manoeuvred his way out of there leaving tire tracks on the exit ramp.
Finally able to relax a bit, Usopp was able to comprehend that his feet were absolutely killing him. The damn stupid boots were too slim for his feet and the way he was forced to run probably didn't help matters. 'Gahh, stupid Absalom!' Usopp cursed, he swore every time he went to that damn shop there was always some kind of episode going on. Usopp felt around on the passenger seat where he had tossed his handful of jungle pellets. Usopp's van was about as clean and organised as a bomb site and had a constant smell of mud in the interior, not that Usopp particularly cared. After fishing his hand over several crumbs, a mangy sock, a plastic water pistol, array of various wires and some lego bricks, Usopp finally got hold of one of the small round pellets which felt a bit furry.
After picking it up Usopp became aware that the furry texture was actually lots of tiny feelers. After attaching itself onto one of his fingers Usopp felt the strange suction sensation of the live pellet. These little babies were activated as soon as they came into contact with liquid. They were extremely rare, Usopp was lucky to get hold of 23 of them. He believed he was the only user of them in Grand Line and he was itching to try one out.
After finally escaping the hideous one way road systems around the posh Tenryuubito area of the city, apparently the rich inhabitants didn't like traffic or even getting around easily for that matter, Usopp could stretch out a bit on the main four lane carriageway, which would head to Dawn, home to the Straw Hats HQ, north-west Grand Line.
He'd been driving for about fifteen minutes when he noticed Franky's camper van pull out from a junction just ahead; you would recognise that heap of junk anywhere. What was quite unusual, however, was the speed and chaotic manner at which it was being driven. Franky, a close friend, was the kind of guy who was extremely laid back, he was more likely to cruise then speed, because of this fact Usopp instantly knew that something must be wrong. Upping his own speed a little to keep the van in sight but not to move any closer, it eventually became obvious after observing a white Honda make every single move the same as the camper van, that Franky was being followed.
Moving to the fastest lane Usopp stepped on the accelerator to get roughly alongside the white Honda then managed to get in right behind it on the 3rd fastest lane. Usopp gasped then laughed, maybe luck was finally coming on his side. In front of him, driving with immense concentration on the camper van was one Captain Smoker of the Loguetown police force. It was obviously him for two reasons, one, like his namesake the man smoked cigars a lot, the rear window to his car was slightly fogged with the fumes as well as some smoke disappearing through his half open window. Two, even undercover Smoker didn't like to be undercover, either his vanity or pride thought it would be a good idea to give his unmarked car a personalised licence plate of "SMOKR 73" making it obvious for any would-be crook to know that it was Smokers car.
Usopp quickly glanced at the jungle pellet still attached to his finger and grinned. This would be the perfect opportunity to see what that little ball was capable of. Now he had to observe where would be the best place to fire his shot. He needed liquid for this pellet to work. He thought he could shoot it up the exhaust but reasoned that the pellet was likely to burn and become useless. He thought about wetting it with some spit before he launched it but then he'd read that the pellet had an instant extreme reaction to anything wet. After moving closer to spy into Smokers car and trying to think what the best way to get this to work was he spied an opened can of drink in a holder behind the gearbox. It would be a tricky shot and the can could well be empty, he was also reluctant to waste one of his new babies on what could be a lost cause. However, he was struggling to find an alternative.
Realising that his usual shot sling was still in the pocket of his discarded dungarees, which were secured in the rear of his van, Usopp cursed again. He would have to use his old wooden slingshot that hopefully was still in his glove compartment. He wouldn't get the same amount of accuracy with this shot but he wasn't known as the marksman specialist for nothing. Trying to shuffle forward in his seat slightly, this was difficult with the seatbelt restriction as well as having to focus on the road and Smoker. He steadily reached across to the glove compartment trying not to focus his attention on it too much. After feeling around for the catch and two failed attempts at opening it, he finally managed to yank the thing open but this caused him to swerve a little out of the lane. Quickly correcting himself, Usopp started to sweat, out of the corner of his eye he looked to see if his old slingshot was there. He could see an edge of the handle on the far side of the compartment.
'Shit, shit, shit shit' Usopp said on a mantra, he couldn't reach it from where he was behind the wheel.
There was only one way of getting that sling shot and that was to grab at it as quickly as possible. Luckily the stretch of road they were on was going in more or less a straight line. Usopp carefully wiggled out of the upper body part of the seatbelt, consciously set his speed and gave his steering wheel the lightest touch. He tried to shuffle as far as the seat belt allowed towards the glove compartment. Once he was confident he could let go of the wheel Usopp did so gently and then breathed out a long breath he hadn't realised he'd been keeping. The van continued on its way easily; Usopp deciding on the right moment shifted all of his focus onto the slingshot then dived for it. Messily grabbing the handle, Usopp shot back up into his driving position. Amazingly his van hadn't shifted off track at all, Usopp whooped in victory at this small feat.
Getting excited now, Usopp prepared to pull out into the fast lane and lowered his passenger window. Waiting for a good sized gap in traffic on the fast lane, Usopp pulled out, he knew he would only have a small opportunity to make this shot. Having to throw caution to the wind, he let go of the steering wheel once again and stepped into the accelerator a little more. Scooping the pellet off of his finger into the sling of the slingshot, Usopp trying to be as steady as possible in the circumstances aimed up his shot in seconds and let go. After watching the pellet sail through his open window and into Smokers, Usopp made to grab the wheel once more. In his haste he swerved rather dangerously but managed to correct himself quickly, however, now he had gained Smokers attention who was looking at him in disgust while cursing at him to 'watch where he was fucking going' and smoking 3 cigars.
Usopp stepped on the gas to catch up with Franky, his pellet didn't seem to be working which meant he missed his target but he couldn't risk another shot, he'd best warn Franky that he was being followed instead. Pulling alongside the camper van and trying to remain steady, Usopp soon realised that it wasn't Franky being followed but Zoro and Sanji and some mystery red haired woman. That would probably explain the bad driving then. Trying to gesture to them frantically by waving his arms but with no success because as per usual they were clearly arguing amongst themselves. Usopp grabbed the first thing that his hand landed on, which happened to be a clump of some randomly assembled Lego bricks and shot that at Zoro's window. Finally Zoro looked across annoyed and then confused. He wound down his window and shouted.
'Usopp, what the fuck are you wearing?'
Ignoring the question as it was not the time nor the place, Usopp squealed 'you're being followed by Smoker' then gestured with his hands frantically for them to move faster shouted 'go,go,go,go,go!'
Zoro frowned but accelerated and moved into the fast lane after Usopp's van. This seemed to prompt their before unknown pursuer to pull out as well and hit the siren to mark him as a police car.
Smoker was annoyed at himself, he finally realised who that weirdo was in the van, and it was another one of those Straw Hat bastards. How he didn't get it from that ridiculous long nose was beyond him but the mask threw him. There were far too many freaks in Grand Line these days he just turns a blind eye to kooky dressers, it could be a professor for all he knew. But he definitely clicked who it was when the blue transit started travelling alongside the annoying duo in the camper van, it was that wimp Usopp. He thought that he even shot something into his car, Smoker chewed on his cigars in agitation; he needed a vacation because he was losing his edge a little or his marbles, he was positive. The game was on now though, those Straw Hat troublemakers knew he was on their tail and he knew he would get them.
The little jungle pellet was currently feeling its way across a cold object; it was aware of a source of moisture nearby and was trying to reach it. After being shot through the open car window, it hit edge of the wing mirror and ricochets off to land in a dip in the gearbox. The tiny feelers were curling around the lip of the cold object, it could sense liquid. The feelers started to move quicker into to liquid source and within a few seconds the whole pellet was sticking to the top inner can. After a sudden jerk in movement the pellet lost its grip and fell to the bottom of the can with a light plunk into a quarter fill of cola.
The pellet instantly split and the little feelers started growing and expanding at a rapid rate. The can soon burst apart startling Smoker. Roots started to crawl out thick and fast in seconds.
'Shit!' Smoker cursed, 'that bloody sharpshooter did shoot something!'
The white Honda was suddenly weaving between the lanes Zoro and Sanji observed. Looking in the wing mirror Zoro could see that Smoker was looking to his side in panic. Then he was trying to throw some green thing out of his window and failing. Suddenly, what looked like a green tentacle was creeping out of Smoker's window and attaching itself to the car roof, it was growing at an alarming rate.
'Whoa, looks like Usopp has been shopping for more freaky shit' Sanji claimed.
'What the hell is happening?' Nami screeched right in Zoro's ear. He cringed away from her.
'God damn it woman, do you mind your screaming?' Zoro sighed 'it looks like one of our crew will be getting the police off our backs any second now'.
Nami moved a little closer to Sanji, much to his delight, to look out the wing mirror in fascination. 'I've never seen anything like that before.'
Smoker was getting more and more panicked, whatever this thing was it was attaching itself to his right arm, where he had been trying to throw it out of his window. Sticky tentacles were wrapping up his arm and started creeping across his chest and up his neck. The growth was happening too quickly for him to be able to react in time. Before he knew it there were root like tentacles all throughout his car and threaded across his bulky frame. Smoker could hardly physically move any more, he was frantically trying to move his foot off of the accelerator pedal but the roots were making it impossible. His windscreen was almost completely covered and a small tentacle was starting to creep up his left nostril. A deep set fear started coursing adrenalin through his body. The tentacles were starting to slow down their rapid growth but were beginning to pulsate. Smoker could actually feel the liquid rushing through the plant like roots which were attached to his bare flesh; the feeling was making him squirm, it was almost sickening. He didn't know a way out of this, he was still driving at a good speed and he couldn't move the steering wheel nor see where he was going anymore. It was only a matter of time until he crashed, at least his siren was still wailing so people were warned of his approach.
Usopp was staring in mild shock at the developments of the white Honda. The car was now almost completely covered in plant like roots and they had spread just as quickly as he had read about. He did have to wonder why the pellet didn't work straight away though. Smoker was starting to stray off lane but most people were moving far away from his car. Some cars had stopped all together further back. Usopp could no longer see into the vehicle at all as thick roots completely covered the windows inside and out, he was amazed the car was still moving. Usopp cut down his speed to watch what his new little weapon was fully capable of.
A sound similar to boiling water was surrounding Smoker as he sat unmoving in the driver's seat, he didn't know what was going to happen with this damn plant thing but he knew it couldn't be good. There were suddenly lots of popping noises; Smoker could feel the little tremors as air started escaping the roots from lots of little air holes. The smell it produced was like rotten eggs making Smoker gag and his eyes stream. He started scrunching his eyes shut and gritted his teeth around the still lit cigars; he was starting to feel sick. He could hear his own heart thundering in his ears, Smoker was not a man to scare easily but the feeling of being trapped and the unknown were a terrifying combination. While trying to take deep breaths to focus himself he felt something tickling his right cheek, opening his eyes he took in that the roots had now started sprouting leaves.
The car gave a sudden jerk, like it was going over a speed bump. Smoker had absolutely no idea where his car could have strayed to. The car gave another jerk but from the rear of the car only. Smoker was starting to sit at an angle as something was now propping up the right side of his car. He could hear his engine and siren still going although he had somehow managed to stop moving forward. He actually sighed a bit relieved that he was no longer driving forward blind. The relief was short lived after the car jerked several more times but in an upward direction. The leaves were growing huge and fast limiting smokers vision of what was happening to a couple of inches in front of him. He was officially trapped in a giant plant; he hated those damn Straw Hats with a passion.
The main carriageway across Grand Line was a mess. You'd think that a major crash had happened from the array of scattered cars that had come to a halt around a strange plant between the slow lane and hard shoulder of the north bound road. Some drivers were still trying to pass the scene but the only completely free lane was now the fastest. What would soon become a huge traffic jam was already starting to stretch back.
Zoro had come to a halt just ahead of the scene, even he stared slightly open mouthed at the sight of Smoker suspended in twisted thick plant shoots. Nami was staring out of one of the side windows of the camper van. That plant just kept on growing, the car was caught up about two meters from the ground now and thick leaves were twisting out like spades while root like legs crawled over one another spreading further and further out creating a steady base. The speed of its growth was slowing to a steady creep; she suspected that the plant had done its worst. She soon gasped when large buds appeared and instantly started to flower huge purple and blue petals. The sight was oddly beautiful.
'You can't deny that Usopp is one creative son of a bitch' Sanji said into the unusually silent van.
Usopp stopped a little ahead of the camper van in the slow lane and stepped out of his vehicle. He jogged over to the camper and Zoro's window.
'Hey guys, pretty cool stuff huh' He stated proudly while his eyes shone in excitement through the strange rubber mask.
Zoro stared at him with a straight face. 'Usopp, what the fuck are you wearing?'
Usopp's face fell a little, truth be told he'd actually forgotten that he was dressed like an idiot and even more mortified that his attire was considered more disturbing then the situation concerning Smoker. He merely explained himself by stating 'I met Absalom today'. Zoro and Sanji nodded in understanding, Nami kept quiet, she was worried that she was now horribly mixed up but a bunch of nut jobs with an atrocious taste in fashion. Her fear began to creep up her chest again and she crouched behind Zoro's seat.
'What do you think to my new ammunition?' Usopp asked again in excitement 'Oh, and who is that girl?' he pointed towards the cowering Nami.
Zoro replied with 'disturbing' while Sanji simultaneously stated 'never you mind!'
'Sheesh guys, it sure is good to see you again' Usopp said sarcastically. 'Anyway, my ammunition is a total success' he continued happily 'Usopp marksman extraordinaire strikes again' with this he struck a pose. 'Hey, why are you in Franky's van and why are you wearing weird clothes?' Usopp continued while sticking his long nose through the window.
'Marimo, drive off this is becoming unbearable' Sanji deadpanned.
Usopp scowled at them but quickly started grinning again. 'Hey, race you back to HQ! Last one there has to go food shopping for Luffy.'
Both Zoro's and Sanji's face dropped at such a prospect and Nami had no idea how food shopping could be held as a threatening wager. Sanji, however soon smirked 'you're on Usopp-man, prepare yourself for the longest shopping list the world has ever seen.'
Zoro smirked and Usopp laughed, Nami was disturbed.
'Thanks for taking out Smoker Usopp, see you back at base' Zoro said before turning the ignition back on and driving back off into the steady stream of traffic.
Usopp smiled and looked back over to the work his little jungle pellet had performed. He could hear Smoker constantly cursing from somewhere inside the car while some terrified looking good Samaritans were trying to find some way to help him. Feeling that his work was done here, he jogged back to his van, he now had a race to win!