You'll Never Be Mine

Raven sat on her bed, her legs bent beneath her while her long arms supported the weight of her body. She looked wearily at her fists buried in the deep blues of her bedding. An isolated tear fell onto the sheets, not making a sound. As a couple tears fell down the same paths as their predecessors she felt a sort of sick pleasure in the act of feeling pain at all. Yet, it was indeed pain and not this temporary pleasure from it that would settle in her stomach and make her sick each day until she left that awful, marauding tower. She hated the place ever since her friends had returned to it, but she had a special hatred for her room. It was made as if to taunt her overwhelming loneliness, to make her feel as small and insignificant as possible like some ecclesiastic Cathedral that swallowed her whole. It kicked her when she was down, and yet it was her only refuge.

Last week they had returned from Japan. Another mission. Another nuisance. Nothing to write home about, so to speak, up until she had seen Robin and Starfire exchanging a meaningful kiss in the rain. It happened just a week from that very night, and it tore her in two. It was so sudden, she hardly had the capacity to respond. It was this gorgeous and classic film playing in slow motion before her under the heavy Japanese skies. It was the cinematic denouement of a bubblegum romance that played out so perfectly before her, and it broke her heart. Still she chastise herself for continuing on with these feelings of remorse. They had all seen it a mile away coming, and yet it stung like betrayal. As if either party meant her ill will. They neither wished her good nor bad, because she was never a thought in their minds, and she knew this well. She filled her lungs with a sustained breath, trying to break up her jagged crying, only half succeeding.

It wasn't fair. Starfire could never understand him the way she did. All she saw was a pretty face- she didn't see his pain, or his humor, or even his taste in music! She only cared for what was on the surface. She could never have discussions with him about the meaning behind world acclaimed novels, artists, authors and poets, or on the subject of world affairs, political grafting and social justice! And was this to say that Robin would rather sit in the glow of her hollow beauty than at the side of an intelligent yet withdrawn girl such as herself simply because she was not a thing of ideal symmetry or flashy display. It was an outrage of conscience she told herself, though she knew this to be a farce of logic.

In reality, she knew it was never a dispute of intellectualism, it was that of likability- of pure charisma and personal appeal- that of which she had none. She knew she could never compete with the glowing personality of her wholesome and demure teammate. But the closer she allowed herself to come to this conclusion the faster the tears came, and she knew she was dying in some way, though not fatally. She felt as if a layer of her naivety was falling off slowly and painfully like a second skin and she might never be able to return to what she had been.

The pain struck her again and she began to wipe away at her face in hateful shame, smearing her eye makeup and making dark hollows of color around her eyes that only enhanced the look of her state. She breathed repetitively yet anxiously, trying to even her breathes and end this brief decent into shambles. She focused on her slow, failing breathes and listened to the sound of the air conditioning around her, flowing into her room at its steady, soothing interval. Finally, she flopped herself over, onto her back so that she could stare into the ceiling and regather her strength of mind. She lay idle for five minutes, continuing her breathing exercises, and listening to the sounds of near silence around her.

She involuntarily shook in panic as an abrasive knock that didn't seem to realize it's strength pounded at her door, disturbing her partly achieved peace. She sat up on her bed, her muscles feeling stiff and yet hollow.

"Raven..."

The familiar masculine tone spoke through her door, and she knew it was him as much as she willed it not to be in her thoughts. Raven sprung up from her bed, raising the lights, and inspecting a mirror. Her eyes were still puffy from her bout of tears, and she stammered while she tried to subdue signs of her state of being, "Uh, what is it?"

"...could you answer the door?" Robin spoke quizzically, confused and concerned at the same time.

"...yea...just a second."

After manically dabbing concealer around her eyes, and applying her eye drops to relieve any signs of redness, she scurried over hurriedly toward the door. It wooshed open, and she stood in the small sliver of an entrance parted only to accommodate her own meager width.

Robin was startled when she appeared abruptly after a few moments of hearing shuffling noises and general discomposure until she answered the door. He politely dismissed it for the time being, "Raven, are you alright? You haven't left your room for...well, a while."

Raven lied through her teeth with a poker face that confirmed nothing, "I'm fine. I just got into a good book, that's all."

Robin looked down, uncomfortable in himself. He was the only one that bothered her when she didn't leave her room for extended periods, and she knew why, though she wondered if he knew as well. Ever since she had entered his mind to save his life the night he had inhaled the hallucinogens in Slade's loaded mask he could sense her emotions, almost too well for her comfort at times. She had always hidden behind a facade of indifference and sarcasm, but he could see past it. Even before this event he had had a keen ability to pick up on the emotions of others. He was naturally empathetic. It was the reason for which she both feared and loved him.

"You're...lying. I know it."

Raven looked up wide eyed and shocked, growing paler for the briefest moment. She then withdrew the expression and exchanged it for a milder one. She couldn't tell whether he wasn't certain in his supposition, but he was holding his ground nevertheless.

So she attempted to play his bluff, with hesitance of her own as she stated in unnatural simplicity, "I'm NOT lying."

She froze in her anxiety, wanting to add more but not finding the words to do so, and veered her eyes away instinctively.

Robin shook his head, recognizing the tells of a lie as she ran a quick hand through her hair. "Raven, don't lie to me. I feel it. I feel you, or... your emotions. I can't explain it, but just acknowledge it, please, for my sanity..."

Raven looked away, struggling to choose an appropriate response.

Robin added tiredly, putting a hand to his head implicating perhaps a head ache, "Raven, please. I just want to know that I'm not going crazy when I start feeling emotions that don't...feel like they're mine. If it's not you then there's something wrong with me, but I feel positive that- it IS you. Please, Raven. I've been feeling sick ever since we came back, and I just NEED to know."

Raven hung her head in shame, hiding behind her cloak as she often would. She almost whispered, "I'm sorry. " but before she could continue she felt tears begin to fall from her eyes again. Her hands raced up to her face and she covered herself behind a crosshatch of fingers.

Robin took a step forward, but like a magnetic opposite she moved away from his approach. "Raven, what's wrong?"

She put a hand up as to indicate her desire for space between them as she shook her head in her hand. He closed the door behind him, realizing an audience might not be helpful for the time being.

Raven saw him approach through her fingers. She spoke in brief intervals as she choked on her tears, "No. Please, just go."

Robin stood opposite her, a couple feet between them. "Raven, please, tell me what's wrong. I can help you."

Raven sobbed into her fists, "You can't."

Robin sighed, "Raven, you defeated Trigon. You have your whole life in front of you- remember? You can get through anything, and I can help."

Raven felt frustration at his foolish misunderstanding. So well meaning, and yet so oblivious to what she only felt should be apparent. Was the possibility that she could like him so hard to fathom- was she so completely out of her element to have placed attachments to him. She hated him in that moment and she nearly yelled, "No, I mean YOU, Robin, YOU yourself can't help ME." She wanted to ridicule him for his thick-headed ignorance, but she quieted her irrational urges.

Robin offered sadly, "Would you want to talk with someone else?"

She had stopped crying, but tears still sat at the bottom of her eyes as she pleaded in one exhausted breathe, "Just leave me alone."

Robin looked down at the floor, bracing the uncertainty of silence that filled between them. She sat on her bed holding her face in her hands. The stillness of the room, along with Raven's stifled sobs weighed on his chest like a brick, and he felt himself sink.

"Raven, let me do SOMETHING. You're my friend. I can't just leave you to deal with this by yourself."

Raven didn't respond. So Robin sat on the floor of her room to wait. This got Raven's attention and she removed her face from her hands. She said his name plaintively, "Robin..."

Raven sunk her head downward toward her crossed arms. She couldn't find the words to speak, and so she simply quit, defeated in every way.

Robin rubbed his neck in anxiety, not wanting to appear presumptuous, but needing to address the theory, "Is this about what happened back in Tokyo?"

Raven looked up from herself without expression, only an intentness that focused in her eyes. She spoke stiffly, solemnly, "I don't want to talk about this. It's no one's fault and I just want to be left alone...Please."

Robin's heart skipped a beat at the actual confession, and he blushed heavily though he tried to fight it. He felt like a fool for never realizing the nature of her depression over the past week. It all made perfect sense, and yet he had assumed with her consistent mask of indifference that she would rather him leave her alone for the most part.

Robin spoke evenly, trying to word himself with tact, "Raven, I didn't know. You never told me."

They both stood from their seated positions, Raven rising first, "I know that. And it wouldn't make any difference."

Robin paused, wanting to hold her if not just for that moment, but he knew better and held his distance, respectfully.

She continued, "You always loved her... I know that." She turned her head away from him.

They stood in silence once more, and it spread like a disease breading anxieties. She felt herself become frustrated and she barked, "Well, now you know- so can you please just get out of my room and leave me alone!"

Robin looked down at the dark carpeting, "Ok, Raven. I'm sorry I bothered you."

He turned away, feeling guilt though he knew well he had done nothing wrong- it was merely unavoidable. Walking away he stopped himself in his tracks for just a moment as a thought had come to his mind, and he turned toward Raven adding a final remark, "You know you're wrong about one thing, Raven- I haven't always loved her."

Robin smiled at Raven, slightly flushing at his own small confession, though the darkness of her room hid it well. She smiled curtly back despite herself as she waved him a simple goodbye. Robin's smile widened at the rare image of her face smiling back. The door shut behind him as he left, and Raven turned to look at her room, once more surrounded by silence. The air conditioner was still running with its signature muffled noises, and the sheets were cool and plush, lying openly in moderate dissaray. She turned to her bookshelf finally, and decided it would be a good time to break open a new book.

I like interpreting my own stories for other people. I'm like a dictator- "you have no opinion! I'm always right!" jk

anyway, the reason I ended it with Raven reading a book is because she's now somewhat contented knowing that Robin did like her at some point, and there's potential in the future if things don't work out with Starfire. So basically, there's hope for them.

This is a one-shot. That's all I seem to be able to do, but I'm still trying to work on my other non-one-shot pieces. I am just a very unmotivated person. Sorry. Hopefully this one shot makes up for my shortcomings :P

I may have to edit this later, but deal with it for the time being, por favor, and thanks for reading/plz comment!

OoOo yea, and the title of this story is from the song 'You'll Never Be Mine by Nero'.