Author's Notes:Yeeeeaaahh I'm back! I thought that this would be a one-shot too, but I was wrong. So yes, you guys get more retard suicide…in a series! So please, laugh it up and have a blast! Price: The haters. I always found haters to be incredibly goddamn stupid. I mean, you force yourself to hate a bunch of pixels for no reason whatsoever? Get a life, you fucking tool. Oh right, thanks to TeamSixOhTwo for kindly letting me use his name here. All disclaimers in the previous chapter apply here and for subsequent chapters. Fully loaded mag in…selector switch on full auto…let's do this.

Commander John Shepard limped into the mess, still thoroughly exhausted by the intense lovemaking session with his girlfriend, Miranda Lawson, from the night before. It had lasted 5 hours before Miranda was sated, and Shepard was well and truly worn out. Miranda, who was by his side, was as fresh as Gardner's freshly baked bread that'd just came straight out of the over. Choruses of 'Morning' echoed throughout the mess as both Shepard and Miranda sat down and returned the greetings. As soon as Shepard sat down, Mordin Solus came up to him. "Ah good morning Commander. Have developed new device. Wanted to inform you."The salarian genius said as he handed Shepard a black box with a button on it.

"What is this?"Shepard asked, giving the simple box the once over as everyone crowded around him. "It's a teleportation device. Just think of anyone. Then press button. Subject or subjects will be teleported to your current location."Mordin replied as disbelieving murmurs circulated throughout the mess. "Okay everyone, close it! I'm going to test it out now."Shepard said loudly and firmly as everyone quieted down and he began to think of someone who he could teleport.

Meanwhile, in a basement on Earth in Kentucky…

14 year old Dirk Jerkin plonked his ass onto a chair in front of his computer as it came online. "Yesss…time to flame all them bitches but Tali."He chuckled maniacally in his Justin Bieber-like voice, drool flowing down the sides of his mouth which were encrusted in last night's bolognaise sauce. First he logged onto MyHolo, the successor to YouTube, as Narania234 and spammed every vid regarding Miranda Lawson with the same old tired 'Miranda is fascisistic evil Cerberus whore' bullshit, and now there was someone who kept replying to him. Unfortunately, that person was a very good troll, and Dirk was just too damn dumb to realize it. "NOOOOOO! YOU FAGGOTS DON'T REALISE THAT MIRANDA IS FACISISTIC CERBERUS WHORE YOU GRAMMAR NAZIS! ONLY TALI IS GOOD BECAUSE ONLY SHE MAKES MY SAMMICHEZ!"He nerdraged at his screen, his body trembling and his face all red with his rage as spit flew everywhere.

He then began to spam reply the same old crap to everyone who told him to piss off, which was about a few million netizens throughout the galaxy. Then, he went on to spam all vids regarding Jack, Ashley and Liara with all sorts of hate and lies. When he was done, he then went onto and opened up his stories. The first was his newest endeavor to slander Miranda, titled 'Topic 2+30-40+10+11+10X4'. Dirk didn't know the answer to that equation, which was posed by his younger 10 year old brother who was now in middle school. He suspected that it was something along the lines of 200, but never really figured it out as he never knew how to use a calculator. His 4 new reviews were something like this, from newest to oldest:

TeamSixOhTwo

What the fuck is this bullshit? Jesus Christ, you can't goddamn write. AT ALL. So give it up you damn moron.

Arustyrobot666u

Miranda you can suck mah balls! Oh wait, I don't have any. Nevermind then.

ICna'tFuuckingSpeel4Shit

U shld t0tally lyk, k1ll Miranda. Cuaze I cnat hv a b1tch whuo won't m4ke my sammichez on my ship lulz.

ChargingLightning

Jesus, Mary and Joseph…this HAS to be a joke. It's not an SI or even a fic at all. Stop writing this blatant flaming, you fucking tool.

"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH FUCK YOU TEAM! YOU TOO LIGHTNING!"Dirk screamed. He couldn't accept the truth. Oh no, he just couldn't as he'd been completely delusional since birth. It had something to do with him being dropped on the head, but nobody really knew. He then began to type out a very profane reply to Team and Lightning, which included phrases like 'I will troll all of you Mirandamancers' and 'anything you Mirandamancing losers do is a waste of time'. He then sent it, his entire body quivering with rage. "Fuck you mature people. Fuck you ALL!"He screamed once more before he closed it and went to his Ashley bashing story, which had a few immature morons who shared Dirk's childish, narrow viewpoint but mostly had people who utterly hated it, and they were led by a brave man called CreatedDarkPlane.

Of course, he tried to troll them all, yet another testament to how much of a no-lifer some American kids could be. After that, it was off to his Jack bashing story, and finally his Liara bashing one. After he was done, he decided to change the summary of his main fic, which was the Miranda bashing one, from 'MIRANDAMANCERS BEWARE! We (me and my imaginary friends) don't like you grown-ups'. Unfortunately, he couldn't quite think of something that would make him look smart and the detractors look dumb at the same time. So he thought up of something till the next day before he got an idea. "I know! YESS!"He squealed as he changed it to 'I can't believe I've to say this, but this is NOT character bashing you fucking morons.'

"Yes! I is genius!"He said happily as he turned to his altar of Tali, which was full of photos (and some hentai) of Tali as he sighed longingly, starting to imagine Tali as Pamela Anderson. "Man…all this hating on other LIs while idolizing Tali is making me so hard."Dirk mumbled as he began to fiddle with the zipper on his denim shorts. Unfortunately, a pulsing blue light enveloped his CPU and Dirk tried to hit it. However, it enveloped him instead, and he felt himself being drawn into the CPU. "NOOOOO! THIS WAS TOTALLY SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN WITH MY CROSSCUBE720! NOOO-"Dirk's frantic, high-pitched screaming was abruptly cut off when the blue light finally sucked him in.

"Dirk Jerkin! I've had it with you not responding to me calling you for lunch and dinner!"Dirk's pissed off mother entered Dirk's underground lair with a whip in hand. "Dirk! Stop hiding and come out…"She trailed off as she saw the newest chapter of Dirk's Miranda bashing story, as well as his Ashley bashing one. She gasped when she saw that Dirk had written that Miranda had killed 3 asari girls and 1 quarian before ordering the last one to get raped. When Dirk's mum switched windows to the one bashing Ashley, her jaw dropped when she saw that Shepard had cold heartedly dumped Ashley to idol-worship Tali, and after that, Ashley became the 'whore she actually is'. "Oh God! What did I ever do to deserve this kind of…son?"She wailed in distress, distressed that her elder son was such a pervert and mental case.

Meanwhile, back on the Normandy…

A pulsing blue light materialized in Tali's lap as the quarian started to panic. "Keelah! What on Rannoch-"She cried in confusion as Dirk suddenly dropped right into her lap, and the boy was wailing hysterically with fear. He then opened his eyes to see…"NO FUCKING WAY! AWSUM!"He squealed when he saw Tali. "Um…do I know you?"The quarian asked in confusion as he began to dry hump her while the rest of the crew just stared. "No bitch, but you are gonna make my sammichez and get on my dick within the next hour!"Dirk replied as Tali snorted. "Who the hell do you think you are, you little bosh'tet!"She scowled as Miranda decided to speak up. "Excuse me, but I hate your childish mentality that women are only for sex and sandwiches."The brunette scowled at the boy, who was still dry humping Tali, much to the engineer's disgust.

"Who…you are the chief Cerberus bitch! You are fascist evil! Die!"Dirk shrieked as he jumped off Tali and charged Miranda, but the ex-Cerberus operative just rolled her eyes and sent him sprawling onto the floor with a simple push. "Who the hell is this spiteful jackass?"Zaeed grumbled as Dirk stood up and puffed out his tubby chest proudly. "I am Dirk Jerkin, also known as the awesome fanfic writer called The supaman!"He said proudly as the entire crew looked at each other, and Jack and Miranda suddenly looked back at him with pure hate and anger blazing in their eyes. "So you're that hateful little motherfucker who called me a 'walking herpes case' and a 'tattooed slut' on that shitfic of yours."Jack growled as Dirk nodded proudly. "I write only the truth! And you, you tattooed slut, are such, and you, Cerberus whore, are a fascist slut who sleeps around!"

Both women then stood up along with Commander Shepard, who was pissed off by this hateful little asshole who was indiscriminately insulting his crew and the woman he loved. "You might wanna watch that mouth of yours, little boy. And you're the worst fanfic writer in history. All hate and no plot. You suck."John growled as he and the 2 irate women approached the oblivious Dirk. "It's a free universe! I can say whatever the fuck I want! And I'm the awesomest fanfic writer ever, you loser!"Dirk retorted petulantly, sticking his tongue out at them. "Hang on girls; I've got 2 more girls who would really like to be here right now."John said as he hit the button again, and both Liara and Ashley appeared in the mess in separate flashes of blue light, looking beyond confused as they stood there, Liara in a dress and Ashley in a bathrobe.

"Oops, sorry to interrupt your bath Ash. Mordin, its official. Your invention is a great success."Shepard muttered as both newcomers just stared at the crew, waiting for an explanation. Miranda filled both the asari and the soldier in on what was going on and the boy standing in front of them, and both Liara and Ashley joined Miranda and Jack in staring at Dirk angrily. "You disgust me, you little hater."Liara scoffed as Ashley joined in. "So I'm a racist whore, huh little boy?"The not-so-voluptuous brunette snarled at the still-oblivious Dirk. "That's right! All of you women are nothing more than sluts and hoes! Only Tali is awsum! Tali! Go make me a meatball sammich!"Dirk yelled proudly before he screeched in terror when Jack yanked him up. "Oh you are so dead, you little fuck!"She yelled as she biotically tossed him against a bulkhead.

Dirk slumped to the ground and was yanked up once again by Jack, and the tattooed biotic punched him in the face with a biotically enhanced fist, nearly killing the boy. "Alright, stop! Leave some for the rest of them!"Shepard yelled as Jack hesitated, wanting so much to just kill him, but instead, she threw him into a chair and let out a shriek of frustrated anger. Tali was next to take her shot at Dirk. "You think I'm that much of a slut to hook up with you? Dumb bosh'tet! I will love only Kal'Reegar! Only Reegar is man enough for me!"She cursed as she kicked him in the stomach as he howled in pain, doubling over as Liara took her turn. "This is what I think of your fic about me."Liara growled as she hit Dirk with a right uppercut. Ashley was next, and she didn't even bother saying anything. She just hit him with a kick to the groin as Dirk's howl went extremely high-pitched as his undersized boyhood was hit.

Finally, Miranda's turn came. She slapped Dirk awake from his state of semi-consciousness before she squatted right in front of his face. "Dirk, you've been a terrible person. And terrible people need to be punished. Anyways, why do you have such a childish view of women, thinking that quarian women are so cheap as to want you and that horrible, water spewing OC you have in the fic that bashes me? Also, do we women look like sex objects and sandwich makers to you?"Miranda asked in a low, deadly tone that chilled everyone to their bone. "You women should bow before men…so yes-augh!"Dirk screeched in pain as Miranda pistol whipped him with her S5 Phalanx. "Idiot. Also, did you know that everyone will break under certain amounts of torture? It's science. This means that your OC is an unrealistic joke."Miranda said softly as Dirk tried but failed to glare at her.

"Fuck off! I don't care because I just wanna flame everyone but Tali!"Dirk yelled, trying but epically failing to sound defiant, instead sounding like a whipped puppy. "Really? You think this is funny?" Miranda scoffed as she stood up straight and pointed her gun at Dirk, who froze in terror as he simultaneously wet his pants. "W-w-w-wha-what?"Dirk stammered as Miranda narrowed her beautiful eyes at Dirk. "I asked you a question, you answer it."Miranda scowled as Dirk only managed another terrified "W-w-what?" "What planet are you from?"Miranda raised her voice as her temper flared up. "W-w-what?"Dirk squeaked as Miranda's nostrils flared up in anger. "'What' isn't any planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak English in 'What'?"The XO's voice increased in pitch and volume as Dirk only managed a "Wha-wha-what?"

"English motherfucker! Do you speak it!"Miranda screamed, finally reaching her breaking point as her hand trembled from her anger as her gun remained pointed at Dirk's forehead. "Y-yes! Oh shit!"Dirk screamed in fear, tears running down his face as he silently begged for his mommy. "Then you know what I'm bloody saying!"Miranda seethed through tightly clenched teeth as Dirk sobbed out a 'yes' as he pissed in his shorts once more. "Good. Describe what I look like to me." "What?" "Say what again and I will fucking kneecap you! I dare you, no, I double dare you arsehole! Say what one more bloody time!"Miranda screamed as Dirk continued blubbering. "Describe what I look like to me!" "You're white! You're quite tall! And…um…you've got blue eyes!"Dirk croaked out in terror as Miranda glared at him, her eyes red with anger and murder as she kept her pistol pointed at the boy's forehead.

"Go on!"Miranda yelled as Dirk nodded in fear, tears flying everywhere as he did so. "You've got buckteeth!"He replied, sobbing as Miranda cut him off. "Do I look like a racist bitch?"The voluptuous brunette asked, snarling as Dirk almost responded with a heartfelt yes. Of course, Dirk didn't have the balls to say it out loud, so he just went with what his brain thought of next. "What?"Dirk responded before he could stop himself, and he realized what Miranda was going to do to him now that he had said 'what' again. Miranda's aim shifted lower and her S5 Phalanx sounded once as the Sentinel kneecapped him. Dirk could only scream in intense pain as he cried some more. "Do. I. Look. Like. A. Racist. Bitch?"Miranda yelled at Dirk, who was clutching at his knee and sobbing hysterically. "No!"Dirk lied tearfully as Miranda shoved him against the back of his seat.

"So why do you keep writing me as one? Answer me!"The XO snarled as she pistol whipped Dirk once more."Okay girls, now that you've had your fun, it's my turn."Shepard finally spoke up as he hoisted Dirk over his shoulder and carried him towards the lift as the entire ground team, as well as Liara and Ashley, followed Shepard into the lift. Jack managed to slip behind Shepard in the lift, and she charged up her biotics and punched Dirk on his spine. "AUGH MY SPIIINNEE!"Dirk screeched in pain as everyone turned around to face Jack. "What? He had it coming."The short biotic mumbled, folding her arms and slouching against the wall as Shepard glared at her, but decided not to say anything. They finally stopped at deck 4 and they went into Zaeed's hangout despite his protests.

Shepard then shoved Dirk into the garbage airlock and slammed the hatch shut. He then picked up a datapad that was displaying Dirk's endeavor to slander Miranda and showed it to the kid. "What is this?"He asked as Dirk looked at him pitifully. "My fic?"The kid croaked out as Shepard shook his head. "Yeah, but what is it?" "It's…awesome?"Dirk wheezed pathetically as Shepard shook his head. "Awesome? THIS! IS! BULLSHIT!"Shepard roared, throwing the datapad to the floor as he punched the flush button and Dirk was ejected into space, where he imploded in a red mist. "Well, that's that girls. And guys."Shepard said as Miranda, Ashley, Liara, Jack, and Tali looked at each other. "Well…now that it's settled…how about some fun, girls?"Miranda purred with a naughty smile as Tali giggled.

"Of course Miranda. I simply love your curves. It's like a goddess'!"The quarian giggled as Miranda grabbed Tali's ass, and Liara, Jack and Ashley grabbed Miranda's as well as someone else's before they began to sashay to the door. "Oh Tali…Liara, I can't wait to see your azure again…"Miranda smiled back cattily as Jack guffawed. "Fuck sakes, quit comparing asses and let's just fuck. Can't wait to fuck yours, Ash."The convict chortled as Ashley engaged in a passionate lip lock with Miranda. "Oh John, you're welcome to watch. No, we want you to watch."Miranda and Ashley panted in unison as soon as they broke the kiss and the lift doors closed just after that. "Okay, I got the beer!"Jacob grinned, holding up a bottle of Budweiser as Grunt chipped in. "I got ryncol!" "I got the toilet paper! Shep, whatcha got?"Zaeed shouted over the excited men. "I got front row seats!"Shepard grinned as everyone cheered while they headed up to the cabin to watch what was probably the sexiest lesbian orgy ever.

Final notes: Hah! None of you expected the ending, eh? So, did anyone catch the one game reference and the two movie references in here? First to point 'em out gets a hundred intarweb cookies! Now, due to popular demand, I have decided to make this an irregular series, and the next one is ridiculous OCs. If you, dear reader, have seen a ridiculous OC in a hatefic, please do not hesitate to tell them to me in a PM or your review, and I promise that you will not look at those ridiculous OCs in the same way ever again. Hope you guys laughed like crazy! Peace to you sane people who don't hate, and death to them haters!