Chapter 2

After about twenty minutes of tossing and turning, Carly slipped out of bed, not wanting to wake her little boy. She tossed a pillow and blanket down onto the floor and lay down, hoping she could find some comfort there, but unfortunately, that made things worse. Not only could she not stop thinking about Sonny, but her entire body was in a state of discomfort. She thought about going to the guest room to sleep, but that was downstairs, and she didn't exactly want to cross paths with him again. But, after about fifteen more minutes, she didn't care. She needed comfort, so she checked on Morgan to make sure he was safe and warm, and she padded out into the hall and down the stairs, hoping Sonny was sleeping.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw that the room was completely dark. She usually kept one of the lights on downstairs at night. It always made her feel more secure. When she was with Sonny, she never had that problem. It had only been her heart she'd had to worry about. Max and the other guards had taken care of the rest.

Moving away from Sonny had been an awakening. There were so many things she had to do that she couldn't or didn't have to do when she was with Sonny. She could go out without having to have protection everywhere she went. She could take the boys to the park without the nanny. And obviously, she could fall in love with another man; a man she'd thought she could give her whole heart to. But Jax was gone. What would happen if he had to go off again? She couldn't stop him from helping his brother. They were blood. She knew he'd always regret not going, but would he regret not being there for her when she needed him there?

When she reached the last step, she tiptoed quietly toward the back of the house, hoping that such a new house wouldn't have any creaks in it. But, just as soon as she reached the hall, the floor betrayed her, and a loud creak emerged. She held her breath, hoping he wouldn't wake, but just as she started to move again, she heard him stir.

"Carly?" She paused. Maybe he'd go back to sleep if she didn't say a word. "I know that's you. Something wrong?"

"I'm fine, Sonny. Stop worrying." She rolled her eyes and flipped on the light. They both squinted for a moment while their vision adjusted.

"Can't sleep?" She merely shook her head.

"Me neither."

"Are you afraid you'll have that dream again?" She saw him look away, and she stepped closer to him.

"I really wish you wouldn't worry. That's all over now. I'm safe. The boys are safe. If anybody should be worried, it should be me. And…I still do worry about you," she admitted. "That's never gonna change."

"I'm fine. You know that."

"No, I don't know that, Sonny. I know things are just heating up between you and Lorenzo. I'm not stupid. I have ears. I read the papers."

"So you still have an interest, huh?" he asked, dimpling a little. Carly rolled her eyes.

"Of course I do. But don't get too full of yourself. You're the father of my children. Of course I'm interested in what's going on with you. I don't want to see you hurt."

"But you sure like doing the hurting yourself, don't you?" Carly was stunned by that statement.

"I married you, Sonny. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Sure it does, but you wore his ring to the wedding."

"Because I love him!" she exclaimed in exasperation. "How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"You only have to tell me once, but I think you're saying it because you need to hear it. I don't think you really love him, Carly."

"Don't tell me how I feel. You've never had the right to do that, and you sure as hell aren't going to start now."

"I don't want to fight with you, Carly."

"Well, you're doing a wonderful job of avoiding it," she said with a roll of her eyes, crossing her arms in front of herself, a gesture Sonny knew very well. She was getting defensive, and she was beginning to sound like the Carly he knew and loved.

"Look, all I'm saying is that I don't want to see you get hurt."

"By anyone buy you. Just admit it, Sonny. You can't stand seeing me with Jax. You can't stand the fact that I'm actually happy, and that I can see myself building a life…having children with a man other than you!" She knew she was hurting him, but one thing Sonny did best was get her blood pumping, and it was hard to calm down. "You can't stand the fact that our sons are growing to love him not just as a friend but as a father figure. They're starting to accept that I love him and that he makes me happy. You know what, Sonny? Despite what you want them to think of him, they've accepted the fact that he's going to be their step-father, and I think it's damn near time you did too!"

"You think he's a better father than me?"

"No, Sonny! That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying he's a good father, yes. But, Sonny, you are their father. That's never going to change. You just have to accept the fact that you're not the only man in their life anymore. Jax is going to be their step-father whether you like it or not."

"You don't wanna marry him." Carly sighed in frustration.

"How many times do I have to say it? I want to marry Jax. I love Jax."

"You might love him, but do you think he loves you the way I do?"

"Sonny, don't start."

"It's true. I had a hard time saying it, because I thought it was over, but it's not…not for me."

"Stop, Sonny! I don't want to hear this. Not anymore. We might be married, but I plan on fixing that just as soon as…"

"As soon as what? The danger's passed. I'm not going on trial anymore."

"Let's not forget the fact that you tricked me into marrying you. I'm still not completely over that one. But I'm willing to push that aside for the time being. You need to accept that it's over."

"Have you accepted it?" Carly turned away from him, tears stinging her eyes from frustration and exasperation.

"It took me a long time to get over you, and I don't think I ever completely did…but I got to the point where I realized that I needed to get over you. You pushed me away. We fought so hard to keep our marriage together, and then we ripped it apart."

"But we had passion."

"It wasn't healthy."

"Maybe not, but it worked."

"For a little while, yeah," she nodded. "But look what happened to us. We cheated on each other, we deliberately hurt each other."

"We both know neither one of us were thinking clear, Carly."

"Exactly! Now that we are, I thought we'd both realize how bad we are for each other." She shook her head. "Obviously you haven't."

"Maybe you don't know everything about me." Carly glanced at him. "Maybe I do see how bad we were for each other. But we know each other better now. We're different people, Carly, but the way I feel about you hasn't changed. Some things never change. You can't stand there and tell me you don't still love me."

"Of course I still love you," she whispered, a tear running down her cheek. "You are the reason I have two beautiful boys. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have Michael right now. He'd be being raised by the Quartermaines. And Morgan…he wouldn't even be here. But that's the past, Sonny. We couldn't make it work. We tried, and we failed."

"So that's how you wanna leave it? You just want to give up?"

"You can't win everything, Sonny. Sometimes you have to know when to stop." Carly crossed the room to widen the space between them. She was trembling, but not from anger or fright. She was trembling from the memories. She couldn't deny she still had feelings for him, but how could she risk not only hurting herself but hurting him all over again? Plus, there was Jax. She was going to marry him. He was safe. He was the man that she should be with, because he gave her a sense of security. But was he really who she was meant to be with? Being with him felt good, but at the same time, something always felt wrong. Something was missing. With Sonny, there had always been a heat-of-the-moment kind of passion there, even when they were doing something so mundane as cooking breakfast. With Jax, she'd surprised him on occasion, but he'd never really initiated those kinds of things. With Sonny, there'd never been any question. Just a look or a simple word could send them into passionate fury that could leave the kitchen looking as if a tornado had blown right through it.

Sonny watched her, seeing her love for him in her eyes. He knew she wouldn't admit it, but seeing it there made him feel better. He felt guilty for making her feel so bad about the situation they were in. He'd apologized for tricking her into marrying him, and of course, she'd slammed a few doors, thrown a glass or two, but at least she'd let herself be Carly. He figured she never allowed herself to really be passionate, either in anger or in love, with Jax. Hell, he knew they were dysfunctional, but at the same time, that worked for them. They could make it work if they both wanted it, and before, wanting it and needing it had been two different things. Now, for Sonny, he knew it was what he needed more than anything, and he sure didn't want to pass up the opportunity to make things right and to give their boys a happy home for once. Michael and Morgan hadn't asked to be a part of their family. The least they deserved were two parents who didn't go at each other's throats 24/7. For a while, Sonny had thought that maybe this was what was right and that he was wrong for wanting her back, but the more he stepped aside and watched Carly and Jax's relationship develop, the more he'd wanted that back, and the more he'd seen Carly change just for a man she used to despise.

"You're not you when you're with him, Carly. Face it…you miss the way it was."

"Like Hell I do. And how do you know that I'm not me when I'm with Jax? Maybe the me I am now is better than the one I was when we were together." She tensed for a moment, and she looked toward the stairs. "I need to get some sleep. I don't want to fight with you anymore. I'm tired, Sonny."

"We used to be able to go at each other like this all night. Then we wouldn't get any sleep making up." Carly felt a spark run through her body at the memories, but she didn't flinch. She couldn't let him see how much he got to her.

"That's a perfect example of why we shouldn't be together. Now go to sleep. That's one perk of being with Jax. He lets me sleep."

"Can't stay up all night, huh?"

"Oh, shut up," she remarked with a roll of her eyes as she disappeared into the guest bedroom, sensing his dimples appearing on his cheeks. When she was safe inside the guest room, she realized how quickly he'd diffused her anger with just a little comment like that. He had a way of getting her from 0 to 60 and then back to 0 again so quickly. She didn't know any other man that could do that for her, and in a way, she missed that. While they'd been entirely unhealthy for one another, she realized that in many ways, they'd kept each other from going off the deep end more than once. They could piss each other off, but they could push the right buttons to make everything ok again for just a little while. She had to admit, she missed it. She had to admit, the thought of him still turned her on. Sometimes, his voice would get just above a whisper, and her spine would tingle from memories of him whispering into her ear as they made love. The man was a part of her, and she couldn't change that. But she didn't want to. In some way, this back and forth banter between them had kept her grounded since Jax had left, and she knew she'd miss it when he came back.

Shaking her head, she crawled into the bed. It was happening. She was letting herself get pulled back under his spell. The harder she fought, the more she felt as if she was drowning. Part of her wanted to let go and just fall back into those deep brown eyes and never come back, but another part held her to her duty and promise to Jax. They weren't married, but they were going to be, and maybe, just maybe, if Jax came back soon, they could get on with their lives, and she could prove to Sonny that it really was over.