Straight To The Head
Chapter Two: Infiltrators Gonna Infiltrate.
I don't own Bioware, but I do own a really neat pair of sunglasses. High Five anyone?
NORMANDY SR-2
CURRENTLY DOCKED AT ILIUM
A few hours later, a haggard, borderline-despairing 'Millusive Tam' stumbled through the halls of the Normandy. Before this particular scheme, Illusive Man had lived most of his life by some basic, sternly adhered-to principles: "Redheads are hot", "Aussies are hot", and "Matriarch's are even hotter". "Anybody powerful who was not put there by The Illusive Man is someone worth overthrowing", "Speak eloquently and carry a long assassination list," "Hanging out with Charles Saracino will make you look better by comparison, no matter what you do," and, last but not least, "You can never have too much dirt on anyone." Interviewing the crew of the Normandy had placed Illusive Man's faith in the latter principle in serious jeopardy. There were things, shadowy, terrifying, and unbound by sense or reason, which man was simply Not Meant to Know.
Take Ken Donnelly for instance. The engineer had kindly taken a break from cleaning the Kodiak, the Hammerhead and the rest of the cargo deck with a single white handkerchief, to have a few words with the 'new recruit', who was smart enough not to ask about his thankless task.
"I mean, what Kelly does with Legion in her spare time is none of my business, alright? I know that," Ken had said. "It's just that they keep requisitioning my tools and my equipment for 'maintenance', and just between you and me? I'm willing to bet that the only things those two are doing work on are each other. And don't ask me how it works, don't ask me for any details, don't ask me what the fuck anyone could be doing with an electrospanner that doesn't involve electrospanning… when I'm alone with Gabby, we do things the old-fashioned way, okay? But I know, man, I know. I mean- I'm the one who has to clean those things off when they return them the next morning, y'know, and let's just say they aren't covered with machine oil." Donnelly had paused and grimaced. "Well, actually they are, among other things, but it's not any sort of oil that I've ever- oh, Lordy. You know what? Forget it. Just… forget it. Talking about it just makes it worse." And with that, Ken had gone back to weeping quietly as he scrubbed the port thruster of the Mako.
After that, Illusive Man hadn't gotten any journalism done for a while, what with the half hour of straight vomiting, praying, and crying which had followed. But, after getting himself together and making a mental note to throw every single tool in his headquarters out the airlock so that he might actually have a chance at sleeping again sometime during his life, and then planning to destroy the geth so that there'd be none left for Kelly to 'experiment' with. Illusive Man forged ahead, consoling himself with the knowledge that all great revolutionaries must endure some hardship, or, in this case, psychological trauma.
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The next one on Illusive Man's list was a man simply known as : Crewman Heavily Armed and Armoured Cerberus Marine Who Looks Completely Badass In The Few Seconds That You See Him Guarding Legion In The AI Core, But Then Never See Again After You Wake Legion Up. As this was a somewhat complicated name, it had been shortened to: Crewman HAACMWLCBITFSTYSHGLITAIC, BTNSAAYWLU. As this was also rather complicated, he preferred everyone to just call him Hack.
"Oh yeah," Hack shook 'Millusive Tam's' hand with a cheerful smile. "Yeah, I'm not on the ground team, which is a pity. I'm fully trained soldier and the second most powerful human biotic of all time. I was orphaned by a slaver raid when I was two, a passing Quarian scoutship picked me up and took me back to the fleet. They taught me how to utilise and repair combat drones, and how to be a hacker. As a parting gift when I returned to humanity, they gave me an omni tool that can destroy a Scion in a single incineration blast."
"You're that good?" Illusive Man was surprised. He hadn't really paid much attention to the dossier's the Normandy's regular crew. As long as their file said 'Competent', 'Barely Competent', or 'Scotsman who thinks it's perfectly normal for a beautiful woman to follow him round from posting to posting', he had ticked the box and sent them aboard the Normandy.
"Are you kidding?" Hack stood up. "My Adrenaline Rush, Biotic Charge, and Infiltrator Reflexes are so enhanced, I could go plant a love note in Samara's quarters and be back before you could…" he suddenly blurred, then reappeared. "…tell I was gone," he finished proudly. "I can fire my Revenant and Claymore at the same time, one in each hand. I also hold the Galactic Record for Longest Distance Sniper Kill, which I made with my Widow. Using my Cloaking Device, I was able to sneak into a Batarian slaver base and snap the neck of every guard in there. On Eden Prime and Lazarus Station, I was able to survive because I invented a new kind of Tech Armour that can't be broken."
"Wait a minute, if you can do all that, how come the Normandy's crew was kidnapped by the Collectors? If you're actually the only security guard on board, and you're as good as you say, why didn't you stop them?"
"Ah, well," Hack blushed furiously. "I'm also kind of shy. I spend most of my time down here in Engineering, with my Cloak activated, trying to get up enough nerve to ask Tali for her extranet number. Also, my hearing's not too good. The first thing I knew about the Collector's boarding was when Joker rushed in here and activated the FTL drive. And after that…I just didn't have the guts to reveal myself. So I just waited until all the crew were back onboard."
"So what is it you do on the Normandy?" Illusive Man was beginning to hope maybe he could recruit this guy back into Cerberus. This guy was better than Shepard, better than the whole crew, why had he let him go?
"Ah, I suppose my job description is security guard," Hack looked thoughtful. "So I really don't have much to do. I was going to guard the Krogan who came in the tank, but Shepard woke him up before I got there. I guarded Legion really well when he was unconscious. I tell right here, right now, if we ever get another unconscious geth aboard, I am going to guard the shit out of it. Oh and Officer Lawson asked me to guard Jack, but called me off when she and Jack started dating."
"Wait a minute," Illusive Man could hardly believe his ears. "Subject Zero and my trusted…I mean, XO Lawson, are sleeping together?"
"Oh yeah man," Hack nodded enthusiastically as he brought up his omni-tool. "I've totally got footage if you want it. It's so totally hot."
The Illusive Man tried to protest but Hack had already pressed play. Illusive Man considered himself a connoisseur (playboy was too coarse). But even he was rendered speechless by the images on the screen.
"Who's a fucking Cerberus Bitch?"
There was a pleasured squeal.
"Oh I am, oh yeah, right there. Oh don't stop Mistress! OH CRIKEY!"
"SHUT IT OFF, SHUT IT OFF!" The Illusive Man screamed as he activated his overload. Hack's omni-tool went dark.
"Well, Jacob, Tali and Samara all wanted copies," Hack shrugged nonchalantly. "Even Doctor Solus requested I send the tape up to him, for science."
Illusive Man staggered away, clutching his head, trying to erase the images of his trusted operative and confidant, bent backwards over her own desk, doing something unspeakable…his brain was beginning to collapse, he banged his head against the wall a few times. The pain made him feel a little better.
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The rest of 'Millusive Tam's' interviews had followed a similar pattern of covering Things Illusive Man Did Not Want to Know. In fact, just a single conversation with Kelly Chambers had given Illusive Man all the dirt he could possibly handle. He could never release any of it, for the sake of his own sanity and that of the Galaxy at large. Illusive Man was evil and sadistic, but not that heartless.
"I mean," Kelly sounded grouchy. "I thought Commander Shepard and I were really getting somewhere. He was giving all the right responses when I flirted with him. But it turns out he was carrying a torch for that Liara chick all the time. When he talked to me, it was just because he felt I could use some company. He's so kind and noble the way he thinks," she began pulling at the collar of her jumpsuit. "It gets me so hot just thinking about it…"
"Yes, yes," Illusive Man interrupted. "You have my sympathy. But there are plenty of people aboard this ship, why don't' you hook up with one of them?"
"Well I would, but everyone's already paired up," Kelly pouted. "And none of them are open for a threesome. They're all a bunch of closet minded prigs."
"I heard a few people were together, but what about Jacob?"
"He's stealing pleasure with Kasumi."
"Mordin?"
"Doing Samara, for science."
"Joker?"
"Calculating with EDI, and even I have no clue how they do it."
"Garrus?"
"Testing out Crewman Goldstein's flexibility."
"Thane?"
"I brought the subject up, and he broke down into tears. Something about 'Irikah', 'warrior angel' and 'your wait for me will end soon'."
"Chakwas?"
"Curing Zaeed of erectile dysfunction."
"Tali?"
"Long distance relationship with Kal'Reegar."
"Grunt?"
"Are you kidding me?" Kelly looked horrified. "He's underage; I could get arrested for that. I'm already Number One on C-Sec's list of sexual predators. How was I supposed to know that that asari was underage, she was forty years old for crying out loud."
"So you're stuck with Legion."
"Yes," Kelly shuddered. "Look, it's not a perfect arrangement. But it works. He gets his research done, and I don't cry myself to sleep with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a picture of Shepard."
Illusive Man slowly shuffled off, more mental images pouring through his skull. Kelly prattled on, not even noticing his departure.
"What I need is someone strong, handsome, kind, preferably biotic, who treats women with respect, and very, very available," she sighed longingly. "But where am I going to find one of those?"
Somebody to her right cleared his throat. She looked up to find herself staring into a pair of dark brown eyes, containing an exotic blend of seriousness and passion. The eyes were attached to a head that could have been sculpted by Michelangelo, the head attached to a body that would not have been out of place on a Greek statue.
"Excuse me, I'm Staff Commander Alenko," he smiled bashfully. "I'm here to sign on."
"Welcome aboard," Kelly felt her heart fluttering.
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As if the multiple forms of mental and emotional trauma weren't enough, Commander Shepard had never seen fit to rescind his order on the PA. So for the past few hours, Illusive Man had been shuffling around the cold corridors of the Normandy and trying to carry out interviews with obvious lunatics while in his underpants, with each and every other person he encountered in a similar sorry state, going about their daily duties with their pants completely absent. The Illusive Man could have gone the rest of his life without learning how many members of the Normandy crew favoured thongs.
All in all, he thought, the only way this ship could be more screwed up is if half the people I just interviewed turned out to be Reaper agents. But of course, that would just be completely ridiculous. Still, it was worth looking into, maybe worth just dumping a bomb in engineering and be done with it. His time on the Normandy had convinced Illusive Man that slogging through heart to heart chats with every freakshow on the frigate was not a viable strategy for anything but a permanent mental breakdown.
Come to think of it, some time in a mental facility might not be so bad. Nice relaxing atmosphere, plenty of doctors who could…
"Wait a minute," he snapped his fingers. "Doctor Solus, of course. He'd have access to all the crew's medical records. I'll just find out who's on what illegal drug, has which incurable disease/ and or infertility. Then I'll threaten to expose Shepard to the public unless he returns to Cerberus! It's brilliant I say, brilliant, Genius, BRILLIANT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
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"Who's that?" Garrus jerked his thumb in the direction of the human laughing maniacally on the other side of the mess hall.
"New guy," Jacob replied off hand as he sipped his coffee. "Probably a bit overwhelmed by it all."
"True, it's very sad, some people can't handle it," Garrus agreed. "Thanks for lending me the underwear by the way."
"It was my pleasure," Jacob assured him. "What was left of my innocence may have been permanently lost when Shepard's order came through, but I'll be damned if I'll let anyone else suffer the same fate."
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A/N: You hear that sound? It's the sound of me managing to simultaneously offend every shipper on fanfiction dot net. If I destroyed your innocence, I apologise, but if you were looking to keep it, you shouldn't have taken to the interwebz.
Somebody else has to be curious as to what happened to the competent, badass looking guard who was in the AI Core, he had to have come and gone somewhere. He was the only member of Cerberus on board who was wearing full armour. Maybe if he'd been around, the crew wouldn't have been kidnapped. But Bioware decided to keep him hidden, out of sight, out of mind. WELL I STILL NOTICED!
Oh and my university application interview went well, should start by Bachelor of Liberal Arts in about a month. Which means I'll have to work like blazes to get this and Five Rounds finished and get started on For the Uniform, For the Cause, before Semester starts.
Love you all.