Cramps, Fire, New Hormones and the Mangekyo Sharingan

by HerpiousDerpious

This is the story, of a guy getting squished, then sucked into naruto, and then being placed inside a little girls body. Likely will be crack but may get serious at points Rated M for heavy language, innuendo and some minor to major graphic descriptions, readers you have been warned. Currently on hiatus until i can get chapter six back from my old laptop

2. Chapter 2: Learning Geppo with Gai

Cramps, Fire, New Hormones and the Mangekyo Sharingan.

Chapter 2. Training with Gai and trying to create geppo.

Well if you're reading this then you either thought "eh why not" or you typed in the fan-fiction code by mistake. Either way hello there and welcome to chapter two of this horrible cliché storm of a story. Im your host nameless guy and we're gonna watch our favourite morons and new main character (I guess) fuck everything up in horrible ways. Alternate title for this chapter. Prank TV, Konoha style.

I'd managed to rope Naruto into helping me with an idea I'd had when I was remembering prank tv, and we'd decided to use henge for a, err, rather sadistic prank involving Naruto as a psycho clown. The watermelon part was great, and we got Sasuke to help with one of the pranks by pretending that he was a victim (that genjutsu was hard as FUCK to pull off, seems that genjutsu that make limbs vanish without hurting the person are iffy) who'd gotten most of his limbs removed. The civilians were perfect targets (mainly cause ninja would likely kill Naruto or something) and we'd gotten like twenty people before we were told to stop. Im glad I have the Sharingan because those memories were fucking PRICELESS. Naruto felt bad afterwards, so I had to explain to him that aside from a healthy dose of fear they'd probably be fine, just rattled for a few days. He still wasn't convinced but eh. (He'll be fine)

My training with the Earth Spear was going well. If I managed to activate it on the first try I could use it for about two minutes before passing out from chakra exhaustion. I may have large reserves but I don't have shit worth of chakra control to help me along.

Shibi-sama is only having me go through theory before I attempt the surface sticking exercise, and im not allowed to practice it without supervision from someone who ISN'T ANBU. Which sucks cause that's like, forty percent of the adults that I know. (We're watched by like four ANBU, and there's Suzume sensei, that nurse, the doctor guy, Hiru-jiji, Teuchi, and Gai) oh and I convinced Hiru-jiji to get Gai to help me with my more risky ideas (say what you want that man's a genius)

Anyways life in the academy is boring as fuck, and I'll admit, kunoichi classes can be pretty fucking boring (still getting used to being a girl) I CANT PEE STANDING UP DAMN IT)) so I mainly just learn people's tells for when they're lying or hiding something, which is fun.

Though I managed to get the teacher that wasn't Suzume to let boys and girls spar against each other (beat Kiba, then Shino, then Sausage, then Naruto got me cause I was fucking exhausted like damn, kids a stamina freak) and I'll admit that was pretty fun. Im enjoying beating up small children. Does that make me a bad person? Probably.

Sixth month, third week in Naruto, and I decided to see if I can replicate the Rokushiki fighting style from one piece by asking Gai for assistance. Once I explained the fundamentals of one of the techniques like soru or geppo Gai took to them like a fish to water.

He figured that soru (he found it funny that it was called shave) was just a much faster version of the Shunshin technique but one that still allowed you to see ahead and to the sides instead of giving you tunnel vision. (by the time im writing this he has it down pat completely, it only took him a week to figure out the fundamentals of it) I GOT PAID FOR MAKING THE TECHNIQUE TOO))

Geppo was a much more interesting experience. Apparently it was something he'd wanted to do since he was younger, but he didn't know if it would work. When I told him about Rokushiki he actually jumped for joy in learning that someone had succeeded. He also said that if it was just ten kicks on the ground a second it should be easy. I can safely say that I most definitely didn't piss myself. (Still hasn't gotten it down correctly, but it hasn't been long since I told him of it, and he is getting air it's just the friction part is hard)

M6, W4:

I learnt from Sasuke that Itachi didn't put him under the Tsukiyomi (probably explains why he aint crazy or depressed completely) but actually put the old Hisoka under it before I took over. Apparently she put on her best Hyuga impression because her eyes went completely blank, like rolled into the back of her head blank. The mental image is disturbing, and so is the fact that Itachi wanted ME of all people to commit his murder suicide thing. He can fuck right off for all I care.

Also we moved on from chakra control theory and moved on to the practicals off it, with Hiashi sama teaching me the leaf sticking exercise, and Shibi sama teaching me the surface walking exercise. Leaf sticking was annoying, surface sticking was pretty easy on a tree, cause I just moulded my chakra to it.

M7, W1:

Gai has finished soru and I swear I felt the whole world shake in fear. His bingo book rank (I stole the book from one of the ANBU, they probably know I have it) went from middle A rank to low S ranking, and he was giving another moniker aside from green beast of Konoha. The prowling cheetah. I was impressed because soru was just a supplement technique, what would he become with the rest of the Rokushiki style? I mean just picture him with the Shigan let alone Rokuogun or the Rokuogun: sandairan? That is a terrifying image. There's also a little footnote "Gai did not create the technique he uses, be on the lookout for the one he did, it was someone he knows." So I may get stalker ninja groupies if word gets out that it was me.

Also after three weeks of practice, I managed to get the surface sticking exercise to sub-conscious levels. Also my chakra pool just keeps getting bigger, because according to Hiru-jiji if my chakra keeps growing like it is, by the time I hit fifteen I'll have almost as much chakra as Shukaku (which is quite a fucking lot) or maybe even Matatabi (which is quite a fuckload more). He also said that he may have to get Jiraiya here to have a look into gravity or weight seals, which is actually pretty neat.

Im gonna teach Gai how to use Shigan next week, in exchange for supervision so I can hone my chakra control AND Earth Spear. Can't wait.

M7: W3.

Teaching Gai the Shigan was both a horrible and wonderful idea. He's boasting on how he has a better version of Kakashi's Raikiri technique, and how it only costs a smidgen of chakra. And like the wonderful but absent minded kinda guy that he is, he blabbed that I was the one who taught him it. So now I have a shitload of ninja from lowly genin to high jonin beating down my door to learn it, and other powerful but cost efficient techniques I know. I had to be escorted to the academy by three ANBU just to get rid of them so I could go to school.

On the plus side Gai's insights with chakra control allowed me to increase my efficiency with Earth Spear. Parts of my arms are even going black when I focus more chakra to them during the technique. I also managed to increase my time from two minutes to three and a half. Not much but it's progress, which is all im going for right now. It also proves that I can make the ultimate shield, which is AMAZING.

OH and by the way Gai went from Low S to middle S rank in the span of three weeks, in Taijutsu the only person said to match him would be the third Raikage or Tsunade when she's not drunk out of her gourd on sake. Which is pretty damn impressive. Unfortunately it also means he's out of the village more on assassination missions as well as "bunker busting" between anyone who tries to establish a foot hold in fire country.

Lots of people in class seem to be jealous of the fact that I know "awesome ninja tricks" as they called it, which is pretty fucking funny. So im gonna be an arrogant, haughty little shit (is that redundant? Probably), stick my nose up at them, and be all "of course I do, I'm an all-powerful Uchiha". Sasuke seethed when I did, cause I'd finally managed to beat him out of the whole "all Uchiha are superior" after Naruto managed to beat him in a curb stomp battle, which was actually impressive cause usually Sasuke won or they finished in ties.

I'd also gotten Gai to teach me how to 'use' the Rokushiki that I 'taught' him, as while I knew how they worked (Shigan, Soru and geppo all involve massive outputs of force causing friction in the air, which manipulates the wind around it. With chakra it's child's play to pull off actually) I couldn't actually use them unless I knew how to put them into practice. Shigan was surprisingly easy, and Soru was easy enough to learn, but even though he'd finally gotten it down Geppo was a BITCH to learn, and your feet always ended up stinging afterwards. Not to mention it's like pouring molten metal inside your legs and hoping to become the type-1000 terminator in the process.

M8: W3:

I'd taught Gai how to use Rankyaku, Kami-e, life return and Tekkai then told him to unlock the last technique of the Rokushiki, he needed to master all of them, then combine them into one attack. He loved life return, and turned into a pig whenever he ate now. Then he'd stand up, put his hands to his sides folded into fists, and breathe. Suddenly he's got a fucking EIGHT PACK instead of a flabby belly. Now im being hounded by kunoichi after the technique so they can keep their figure but eat more than NINE FUCKING MEALS a day. And people call ME a glutton.

I was also approached by Akimichi Chouza, who wanted to know how I'd learnt one of the Akimichi clan's techniques. I told him I hadn't and that it was a technique from the Rokushiki style. Which he and everyone else hadn't heard of before, which meant when I was questioned I had an out by saying it was mainly used by assassins, and that I'd found a scroll about it in the wreckage of the Uchiha clan, used my Sharingan to memorize it, then burnt it. Everyone bought it.

Intermission until next segment.

Sasuke and my birthday came and went, but I can't for the life of me remember what month and day it was (((seriously I don't remember this when is it?))) anyway Sasuke got a little black kunai pouch he strapped to his leg, along with other things. The only really noteworthy thing I got (in my own opinion of course) was an orange and black frog from Naruto. I hugged him, then offered to use my birthday money to buy Ichiraku ramen, kid went fucking nuts. I prayed for my wallet.

M9: W1:

Hiru-jiji asked me to teach some selected ninja how to use the Rokushiki style, and the second he brought up how much I'd be paid (I'd get the equivalent of a B-Rank mission's pay ((which was about 150,000 Ryo)) for every successful student who learned at least three) I'd jumped on board. I did say I'd need Gai for assistance.

When I arrived where I was gonna be teaching, all the ninja there were high chunin to mid jonin, I also noticed that Kakashi wasn't here and couldn't figure out if he'd be coming and was just late, or was insulted and wasn't coming.

I was also told by three separate people (among which was Kurenai) to go home. When I said I was their teacher in Rokushiki, two paled while almost everyone laughed. Then I was approached by Anko, and had my head patted. I absolutely deny that I leaned in SHUT UP. Anyway I told them that while we were waiting for Gai I'd find out what they wanted to learn.

After explaining each, Asuma was the leader of the group who wanted to learn Rankyaku and Tekkai, Anko was for Shigan and life return, and Kurenai was there for geppo and kami-e. for some reason no one wanted to learn soru, and when I queried they said they already had the Shunshin, I slapped an idiot when they said that, as from what Gai had told me (and from what I'd experienced) soru was a hell of a lot faster, and you didn't need a Sharingan to see with it. After learning about the no tunnel vision thing EVERYONE was clamouring for it.

Once Gai arrived, my inner sadist came out, as I explained how since EVERYONE wanted to learn Soru, you needed to kick off the ground at least five times a second. (Took me two weeks to get to that point, and I STILL get phantom pains in my legs just thinking about it.) Some of them laughed, then they tried it, and more often than not stomped their feet. Some of them ripped open their legs. It was funny.

Anko and I became friends I'd like to believe, and we were all having fun at everyone else's pain (she was the first one to finish soru, so I was nice and let her have a break. No one's gotten close to finishing it yet) and we'd both laugh whenever someone managed to get part of soru, only to slam into a wall. It was awesome. I was only half listening to what she said, until the whole "with these techniques under my belt, maybe I'll get from Toku-jonin to full jonin!" and I hoped she did, and said to her that if she did, I wanted her to be my jonin sensei. She cackled maniacally before readily agreeing. I hope I didn't make a butterfly go by.

After giving Anko a bit of a break, I started her up on Rankyaku, and she bleated on how she wanted to learn Shigan. Maybe I should give it a neat tag name. That's a good idea. Something like "Path of the six powers: Shigan." I asked Anko if it sounded cool, or at least worked, and she seemed unsure. Maybe I can figure one out some other time. (((you guys give me ideas if you want, that'd be great.)))

We stopped by the time it was night, and everyone went home grousing on how an academy student utilized a technique they can't even learn. I was laughing at them. A lot. Anyway as I was packing up, guess who would come by but one Shimura Danzo. I could FEEL my skin crawl around the fucker. But he didn't have his perpetual grimace, or even a smirk. For once he had a warm (for him at least) smile on his face. Then he started preaching about how these techniques would put Konoha leagues above the rest of the Ninja villages, before asking if he could get some people to learn the techniques. I was shifty on that, but replied that if they were loyal to Konoha, had the aptitude and were Konoha shinobi, then they could come to the Dojo tomorrow to learn with everyone else, then kept my eyes away from his (I know you have Shisui-nee's Sharingan in there. Wait -nee? The fuck brain.) cause I sure as hell didn't want him to use Kotoamatsukami on me, I aint no one's puppet. He preached for about fifteen minutes, I locked up, put everything away, even cleaned the tatami mats of blood, and then we went our separate ways. And then I SCURRIED right fucking home, who knows how many people he had tailing me.

M9: W4:

I was in the middle of my (favourite sadist show) teachings, when someone whipped out a bingo book. I was listed in the international book at a D borderline C rank just because I knew Rokushiki. Or as the book put it, CREATED it. Which isn't far from the truth but still. And the 'best part' was that it was a capture on sight, with a fifty thousand bounty (which is actually pretty impressive cause im only seven man) for incentive. I was sweating bullets. One of the nicer parts was that I even had my own little epitaph. Hisoka Uchiha, the Jester's understudy. I liked it. I should have a half tragedy half comedy mask commissioned.

I also blame this on Danzo. His agents that were here are good studies though, even if he was gonna get them to teach the rest of ROOT. They were really polite though, and very studious. Everyone else is on edge around them though, which is funny.

Oh a little side note, Hiru-jiji has been sitting in on the lessons, and I think he wanted to learn some of them, but he expressed great interest in Tekkai, which is pretty neat. I just got a mental image of him using it and all of his wrinkles disappeared.

M10: W3:

I got called out for using Tekkai in a spar against an older Inuzuka. Which was bullshit cause that motherfucker has claws. But when he hit me he broke his hand from how much force he was using colliding with what to him must've felt like iron. And even when I explained it, I was still in the wrong. So I told the teacher he could stick his head up his arse and FUCK OFF, and got detention for it. Which is fine. What isn't fine is that the boys of my minion squad (except Shino and Torune, because they're good boys) got detention as well. After some 'choice words' ( I called them fucking morons dumber than a down syndrome child, which was probably a horrible thing to say but I was too mad to care at the time) they all looked put out that I was mad at them. But after that I hugged each of them and called them sweet hearts for joining me. Their blushes will forever be blackmail material. I love the Sharingan.

M10: W5:

Gai finished the Rokuogun. Like actually finished it, and MASTERED IT in only two months. He shouldn't have mastered ANY of the except for Soru for fucking YEARS (maybe two or three I don't know but it'd have been a while) And even then he should've only mastered it to ten kicks. But no he's apparently mastered all of Rokushiki. Until I told him about Rokushiki: Rokuogun: sandairan, and explained how he'd need to make his body (or at least his hands) bigger. Maybe with a combination of Tekkai and Life return. He jumped at the challenge, proclaiming his YOUTH to the world (god that feels dirty to write, no wonder I never write what Gai says) and then soru'd off somewhere. I felt the world tremble in fear again. Maybe I should be worried.

M12 W2:

Sorry for not writing again for a while, some stuff came up.

Anyways so for some reason my Bingo went from High D low C straight up to High C. I'm only eight and im already considered as strong as Elite genin or guys like the demon brothers. Gai's rank hasn't moved but his bounty went up from 20,000,000 ryo to 32,000,000. Which is pretty impressive I've gotta say.

Anyway my chakra control has gotten much better, and I can focus the Goukyaku Jutsu to be blue instead of orange (can't get it to be white hot yet, gotta keep training) and activate Earth spear on my body as well as supplement it with Tekkai or Soru which is awesome. My time for being encrusted with Earth Spear has gone from three and a half minutes to five minutes and fifty two seconds approximately.

Life at the academy is getting dull, and I've burnt through most of this years material. But our teacher is a prick who says I have to move on with everyone else. Then he mentioned a gold piece of information. Once this year was over our new teacher would be a recently promoted Chunin named Umino Iruka.

The new classes wont start until march though, so I have three months to whip my students (ha, an eight year old teaching grownups is still a sore point) into shape so they do not bring dishonour upon my teachings.

M12: W4:

I was approached by Kakashi, who wanted to learn the six powers but didn't want to embarrass himself in front of a class room of his team mates and allies. I said I would teach him but only if he read a long list of the old spice commercial (not that he knows that)he also doesn't know I snuck some into his pocket for the prank)) and he actually agreed to do it. Naturally I told the whole village about it, and he had to do it in the central plaza (that area right in front of the gates to the hokage mansion) so im just waiting for him to start.

Kakashi's pov:

If it weren't for Obito I'd likely kill the little brat. Now instructions say use a deadpan but warm voice, if you have something to say to someone who pipes up do it as the old spice guy and there is a bottle of old spice in your kunai pouch. It is also best to henge into nothing but a towel to show off your body. I can do this. At least I hope I can.

I clear my throat, fight back the blush (this is embarrassing) and put on my best "suave voice" while activating henge, and I watched three people drop.

"Hello ladies. Look at your man, now back to me, now back to your man, back to me. Sadly he is not me, but he could be if he used old spice" I whipped out the body wash. 'Im just glad guy isn't here' "look down, back up, where are we? We're on a boat in the middle of the ocean, sailing to the place of your dreams, where you shall be given gifts proclaiming your fairness to the world. Look up, back down, where are we? On a beach, where am i? Im on a horse" half the crowd had dropped, and I swear I could hear the brat laughing in the back. Then I dropped the henge and walked off, musing that the whole thing was actually pretty funny.

Hisoka's Pov:

The fact that he actually used genjutsu to sell the rest of it was amazing, and he never changed his voice the whole time. That was WONDERFUL. Also Anko owes me two thousand ryo. Now how would I get Gai to do Terry Crew's part? Questions for later. Maybe I should get a medic, cause those nosebleeds some of the ladies (and dudes) have are looking pretty serious.

M12: W5:

Okay so apparently some dignitaries from other countries were visiting Konoha the day I got Kakashi to do the old spice commercial. They were very pleased with what they saw, and have promised to pipe all of their missions to Konoha, as well as help fund us. I got paid again. My bank GROWS. SOON IT SHALL EAT ALL OTHER BANK ACCOUNTS. No seriously I've got like over a million ryo in there. It's great.

Not much has happened over the past week, but Danzo did approach me again. I thought he would dislike me, but he actually seems to have some respect for me. Also he smells like old spice, so im guessing he appreciated the ad I did with Kakashi. Anyways he asked me if I wanted some scrolls that pertained to genjutsu, chakra control, and some low level ninjutsu. And I asked what the catch was. He said it was a gift because of me teaching Konoha the style of Rokushiki (im sure it's about his agents) and he said that the two people he sent to my classes called me an excellent teacher (which is rather nice to hear actually as most of the students are moaning pricks. Anko's a good one though.)

The scrolls are actually rather simple just Demonic Illusion: Tree Shibari, Hell viewing and this other one pertaining to the Sharingan with the title Silence and it was meant to be familiar but different. Im hoping it's a genjutsu that makes silent hill type things happen.

I got one scroll for each elemental affinity, but I mainly just kept the ones for earth and fire. Maybe I can teach Naruto the wind and water jutsu.

The rest of the ninjutsu scrolls were just supplements like rope escape.

That is all

End

Sorry about the shorter chapter but I got BORED writing this one. If you guys would like to help me make this even more cliché be sure to send in ideas for jutsu that can easily become overpowered, and allow my shitty mary sue character to grow in shittyness.

Please review me if you can help me with the rating situation, or my writing situations. Just point out what I could do better and I'll try to rectify my mistakes.

No omake this time sorry.