Chell looked at him expectantly before giving the wailing piece of machinery another—though this time more deliberate—shove.
"Huh?" Wheatley appeared genuinely surprised. "You've never heard of a test baby? Not really helping your case with the whole trying-to-prove-you're-not-brain-damaged thing, you kn—"
He was cut off by a sharp glare and a frantic pointing in the baby's direction.
"Oh um, right," he said, clearing his throat. "The test baby was used to…" He sparked. "To…"
He felt his resource database come online. Babies are not used, it corrected him. They are nurtured. The voice was a bit garbled, but all in all still comprehensible and therefore still reliable.
Another shock ran through him, upsetting his visual feedback processors. "Nurtured?" He looked Chell over again as his sight cleared. There was an unfamiliar feeling stirring inside him, probably some sort of programming that hadn't been used in a while. Not that he could even guess at what it might be.
Adult human female and offspring detected, chirped the database. Ovulation cycle 37% complete.
"Ovu-whatnow?"
Human young develop best in the presence of two parental units, most commonly a male and a female, it continued.
The new information only served to confuse the AI even more. "I really don't see what you're getting at, mate."
The database ignored him. You must protect your offspring. Initiating paternal skill set reboot.
Before he could think to protest, Wheatley felt a warm sensation envelop him from the deepest parts of his inner workings outwards. The test baby's cries no longer annoyed him. More than anything, he wanted to soothe them.
Chell dug her fingernails into her scalp. She couldn't take much more of this. First Wheately's unnerving comings and goings, then this damn test baby and its incessant screaming and now Wheatley was talking nonsense to himself. She glared at the baby and gave it a good kick, some desperate part of her hoping that it would shut it up.
It howled even louder.
"Nonononono!" he yelped frantically. "You're not supposed to kick it! Good mums don't kick their babies! In fact, they don't do anything of the sort!"
The woman stared blankly at him, incredulous. Good mums? What in God's name was he babbling about now? She kicked it again.
"Would you just stop that?" he cried with a glare. "Do you want her to be brain-damaged? Pick her up, would you? Like a good mum?"
Chell shook her head firmly, her lips drawn into a hard line.
"Don't think I can't hear you and that awful ruckus," said GLaDOS flatly over the speaker. "I really can't leave you alone, can I? You are by far the most ill-behaved test subject I've ever dealt with. So chubby, what were you touching that you shouldn't have been?"
Wheatley's optic shrank. "She found us!" He quickly turned to Chell. "Grab the baby and let's move!"
She took off, leaving the baby as it was.
"Excuse me!" Wheatley hissed, hovering over it. "I think you forgot something." He looked down at the wailing form and hushed it softly. "Don't you worry, love," he cooed to it. "Mummy will be here soon."
Chell clenched her fists and threw her head back in exasperation. Fine, she decided, running back to him. If it would get him to shut up about the baby and follow and maybe, maybe, get them to a place out of Her security cameras' view, it might be worth it. She snatched the test baby from the floor by one of its legs and went back to running.
Wheatley zoomed ahead of her, "You know, I'm not terribly impressed by the way you're holding her. You really ought—"
Before he could complete the thought, a piece of the floor behind them sunk down and reappeared with a dozen or so turrets on top of it.
"Or we can discuss this later when we aren't all going to be riddled with bullets."
Chell groaned internally. She didn't know what was worse: carrying this obnoxious piece of testing equipment, the core's chiding comments or the many turrets that were about to make Swiss cheese out of her.
Wheatley was muttering nervously to himself, looking frantically around the chamber. "Protect the baby, protect the baby… Here!" He swerved onto a fork in the rail and disappeared into a small and poorly-lit corridor that would have otherwise been easily passed up.
Chell dashed in after him and tossed the baby on the floor, leaning against the wall for support as she caught her breath.
The AI let out an annoyed sigh. "You're a terrible mother, love. You know that, right?"
Chell responded by setting down the gun and dramatically clasping her hands to her ears with a pressure that looked uncomfortable, even to Wheatley.
"I know you want her to quit this crying business," he said, his upper handlebar drooping in an unamused fashion. "Ideally, I'd like that too. But I don't know what to do, and everything you've done up to now has honestly only made the whole thing worse. A lot worse. Maybe…" he trailed off. "Maybe we can just wait it out."
She couldn't believe this. Wheatley's attachment to the infernal thing was growing. It was now a "she."
Humans' social natures are visible from birth and are first manifested in the offspring's need for its mother's companionship and care, commented the database. One of the simplest methods of initiating such social interactions is through physical contact.
"Really? It's that easy?" thought the core aloud. He turned to Chell. "Pick her up again, would you? Babies enjoy physical contact, so maybe she'll quiet down if you're touching her."
Chell picked it up exactly as she'd done before, roughly and by the leg, and gave it a shake, attempting to remind him of exactly how well this had gone the previous time.
"Not like that!" he scolded. "Hold her nice and proper, like a good mum."
She rolled her eyes and dangled it by the wrist instead.
The proper technique involves the use of both hands and arms and is commonly referred to as cradling.
"You've gotta cradle her, love. Means you need to use both hands."
Cradling? What was that supposed to mean? She grabbed its other wrist and held it out to him, an eyebrow raised.
"Hmmm," he said, contemplating the baby's new position. "Don't quite think that's it. I think your arms are supposed to be a little more involved."
She gave him a confused look and awkwardly twisted the baby upside-down so that her forearms touched.
Cradling also involves the chest. On a related note, research has found that babies can be lulled to sleep by listening to their mother's heartbeat.
"Brilliant," laughed Wheatley triumphantly. Of the few things he knew about the human body, the heart's location was one of them. "You've got to use your chest, love."
Chell smirked. Her chest? Now this was just getting ridiculous.
"Your chest," he insisted. "You've got to put her on your chest so she can hear your heartbeat. Babies love listening to their mum's heartbeat, y'know!"
She looked at the screaming test baby. Well she certainly didn't know a thing about babies, testing or otherwise. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Flipping it right-side-up, she pressed the body's face into her cleavage.
Nothing changed.
Wheatley was sliding back and forth on his rail apprehensively. "Just, uh, give her a minute alright? Maybe it takes a bit for them to notice it."
After a few agonizingly slow moments, the test baby's cries melted away into a soft whimper.
"Haha! What you did there, love, that was tremendous. Excellent job," said the core with a proud nod. "And you know all that stuff I said about you being a terrible mum? I take it all back. Every word."
Still using one hand to securely hold the test baby in place, she ran her free one through her hair, a borderline goofy smile of relief splitting across her face. The mechanical menace had quieted, and even now, her final weakened cries were a hopeful indicator of the complete silence that would soon follow.
Chell shook her head roughly. Her cries? She looked down at the baby. It had no gender, she assured herself. It wasn't alive. She sighed. Wheatley was getting to her.
The core cast a wary glance at the red beams of light that were patiently waiting for them in the main part of the chamber. "You know something? I really don't feel safe in here," he admitted. Looking quickly over at the test baby, he lowered his voice. "Perhaps it would be best if we pressed on. For the little one? I couldn't bear to think of something bad happening to her, much less actually let it happen."
Chell nodded. Though she couldn't tell what the cause or the point of Wheatley's sudden fascination with the thing was, she was still concerned with her own wellbeing.
"Good, good. So why don't you grab the portal gun and follow me?" he suggested. "I know my way around this place pretty well. Even know some places She wouldn't be able to detect us!"
Chell's eyes lit up. Any place away from GLaDOS' prying cameras was fine by her. She picked up the gun and headed down the corridor.
"Oh and love?" he said, pulling ahead of her. "Keep holding her like that, alright?" His softening gaze came to rest on the baby. "I really think she likes it."