"I'm really sorry, Will, but it just won't work." I had heard this so many times before.
"You're serious? You are flaking out on Arianna again? You know how much she has been looking forward to this weekend away with you and her Uncle Rafe." I am perturbed and Gabi knows it. Lately everything in her life seems to be taking priority over her own daughter. I don't know why I'm so surprised that she sprung this on me today. I suppose I'm not surprised as much as I am pissed off. One weekend I actually plan some things for myself...things that don't include bedtime stories or car seats.
"We'll reschedule...I promise..." she trails off, having a hard time even convincing herself that she means it.
"Gabi, what's really going on with you? Do you really not want to spend time with your daughter?" I had to know why this has escalated so much in the last year. Gabi is absent more and more from Arianna's life, and I am beginning to wonder if she no longer likes being a Mom.
"Will! Of course I want to spend time with Arianna. But it really is work, like I said! If I don't go in this weekend and catch up then I may not have a job on Monday and then we may not be able to keep this place, okay?" She's getting frustrated with me, but I am just as frustrated with her. She always seems to have an excuse for being away from home...away from her daughter.
I look her directly in the eyes and ask quietly, "do you hate motherhood that much, Gabi?"
I thought she would freak out, start yelling at me for asking such a question. But she doesn't. Instead her eyes fill with tears, and she slumps down hard on the couch. "I could never hate motherhood, Will. Arianna is the best thing that's ever happened to me," she whispers when I sit down next to her. "I just didn't think it would be this hard, Will, managing a child, a career, a social life, a marriage that never should have been. I feel like years have flown right by me, and I don't even know what I have to show for it."
I didn't want to feel sympathy for her, but I can't help myself. No matter how rough the last 5 years have been between us, she is still one of my best friends. And Arianna will forever keep us connected. "Gabi, we are only 24 years old, we have so much of life left to live! You just have to know that your life will always include your daughter and always include me in some way. Keeping her, raising her, getting married - that was a decision we made together. And whether or not it was the right one is irrelevant now. We just have to accept what we can't change and make the best of it. For me Arianna makes it pretty easy to focus primarily on the good stuff."
"You are pretty wise for your 24 years, you know that Will?" Gabi smiles at me and wipes away a stray tear. "I guess I'm just stressing about the wrong things lately. I'm sorry. You know that I love our daughter with all my heart, right?"
"I do, Gabi. I just think it's unfair to Arianna when you make all these plans with her then cancel them. She may be a smart 5 year old, but she doesn't really understand why work demands so much of your time. She just wants to be with her Mom, okay?" I reach out and put my arm around her shoulder. "Maybe when the divorce is final, and we've moved into our own places, it will be easier to manage our individual time with her. But for now this really does have to be a partnership. I love our daughter, trust me, but I need a break once in a while, too!"
Gabi nods at me and gets up from the couch. "I know, Will. And I meant what I said about you being a great Dad. You are the best. But all of this doesn't change the fact that I still have to work this weekend and can't take Arianna. You understand, right?"
"Understand? Maybe not. Accept it? Yes, I do. I recognize that your career is important to you, and I'm willing to rearrange my plans to watch Arianna for the weekend, okay?"
"I owe you," she says to me. This is certainly not the first time she's backed out and 'owes me'. One of these days I will cash in on all of those favors. One day. "Thanks so much, Will. Give her a big kiss for me, and I'll text you if anything changes." Gabi grabs her bag from the table, a bottle of water from the fridge, and her keys from the desk. "Remember," she says as she opens the door, "Arianna is with your Mom now. I was supposed to meet her at the coffee shop in an hour. So, you can pick her up there. Thanks again, Will."
Once again plans for a quiet weekend to myself - ruined. At least Gabi is predictable. I should have known better than to get concert tickets for tomorrow night, considering she's backed out the last 4 times she promised she'd spend the weekend with Arianna. Poor baby. Well, I'll have to make it up to her and treat her to something special.
Walking into the coffee shop, I spot my crazy brown-haired daughter sitting at the counter with my Mom. They both appear to be enjoying rather large cups of something, probably hot cocoa, since Arianna is sporting a well-defined chocolate mustache. "Daddy!" she exclaims when she sees me. My Mom looks at me knowingly, as if she expected to see me instead of Gabi.
"Hi my princess! Are you having fun with Grammy Sami?" I love teasing my Mom about being a grandmother. She wants Arianna to just call her Sami, but I'll have none of it. She is Arianna's grandma and therefore should be proud of the title.
"Yes, Daddy. She let me get hot chocolate with extra whipped cream like I had the other day. She even ordered one, too!" Arianna thinks this is quite funny and giggles loudly as she pulls me over to the counter, onto the stool right next to her. "Will you stay here with us until Mommy comes to get me?" Guess it was way too much of me to hope that she would forget about this Mommy-Daughter weekend they had planned.
"Arianna, actually honey, I have some bad news." I am looking at her as she runs her tongue around the edge of the cup, not wanting to miss one drop of chocolate.
"She's not coming, is she." Arianna says this so matter-of-factly that I start to feel tears pricking at the corner of my eyes. Dammit, Gabi! Why did I always have to be the one to tell her? Why was I always breaking her heart for you?
"Yes, and I'm sorry and so is your Mom. She has to work all weekend and couldn't get away."
"That's okay, Daddy. It'll just be you and me again, right? Can we go to the playground?" It's amazing to me how she can bounce back like that. She seems a little hurt, but not crushed, devastated, like I feel. Thank goodness my daughter is so resilient. Thank goodness I have her in my life. "There's Sonny!" she all of a sudden yells, pointing at the back of the store. "We are wearing the same shoes again today!"
"Yes we are, Arianna, but I do have to say that I like what you are wearing today better than what I have on." He smiles at me as we both take in the sight that is my daughter: purple hoodie, orange leggings, green socks and red converse tennis shoes. She did have her favorite red bow in her hair though, so I gave her just a tiny bit of credit for something on her outfit matching. Her adorableness is unmistakeable though, even if she almost resembles a bag of skittles. I laugh at her as she takes in Sonny's clothes, looking very serious as she evaluates his choice.
"I think you should have worn more purple. And green." She returns happily to her mug of cocoa as Sonny and I chuckle at her fashion advice.
"Noted," Sonny says as he smiles at me, brown eyes holding my blue ones a bit longer than I expect. "It's good to see you again, Will, can I get you a cup of coffee? No room for cream, right?" He remembered. My stomach and heart both do a little tap dance thinking about the fact that he's served probably over a hundred customers this week and still manages to recall my drink of choice. Maybe I'm reading more into it, but I like to think that it means he's thought about me, too.
"Will, you are here early. I wasn't supposed to meet Gabi for another half hour." My Mom decides to join the conversation then. Figures, just as gorgeous coffee guy and I are rekindling our exists-only-in-my-mind relationship.
"Yeah, I was in the area, so I thought I'd come by early to spend time with the both of you." Sure, that was it. Keep telling yourself that and you might start to believe it. Honestly, my early arrival has a lot more to do with my hope of a chance Sonny-sighting than getting some quality Mother, Son, Granddaughter time.
"That's nice of you, Will," my Mom says as she looks at her watch. Sonny sets my cup of coffee in front of me and steps away from the bar to clear some tables. "Actually, would it be okay if I took off a little early? I'm meeting EJ for dinner and would love to change before I go. Do you mind?"
"No, Mom, you go ahead," and I really did mean it. If she stays, I'd have to try and maintain a conversation with her while daydreaming about Sonny...and how I'd like to help him with that inventory in back. I wouldn't mind holding onto those hips to steady him as he climbs the ladder to reach the higher shelves. In fact, I wouldn't mind climbing that ladder, even though I'm terrified of heights, if it meant he would hold onto my hips to keep me steady.
"Will!" I snap out of Sonny-land to hear my Mom trying to get my attention. "Earth to Will! I'm leaving now, okay? Good-bye," and she squints her eyes at me slightly, like maybe she knows where my mind has been, and kisses Arianna on the head before leaving.
"Bye Grammy Sami!" Arianna shouts at her, spitting some whipped cream from her mouth as she does.
"Arianna Grace!" I say embarrassed as I clean up the spray now covering the counter in front of her.
"Don't worry about it, Will," and Sonny is back, and he goes to work on the sticky area right in front of my daughter.
"Are you about finished now, Arianna?" I peek into her mug to see almost all of her hot chocolate gone. "Because we have to stop at the store to pick up a few things for dinner." I take a napkin and attempt to wipe away her mustache.
"Do you want to use this?" Sonny asks, wetting a fresh cloth for me.
"Yeah, thanks so much. She really gets into drinking her hot chocolate! I don't know how she manages to get it all over herself!" I laugh at Arianna, who is now trying to follow the wet cloth around her lips with her tongue. "Arianna, stop it!" Sonny and I are both laughing at her now, and I give up trying to clean her anymore. "Okay, honey, let's go. What do you say to Sonny?"
"Thank you, Sonny!" she says cheerfully, enunciating each word for me.
I turn to say good-bye to him, and he surprises me with an invitation. "Hey, maybe if you two are free tomorrow, you can stop by again? Hot cocoa and coffee will be my treat if you teach me how to improve my checkers game."
Before I can even respond, Arianna accepts for us. "Sure, Sonny!" and then remembering she should probably check in, she glances at me apologetically. "Can we please, Daddy?"
Not only is my daughter almost impossible to resist, but also the idea of spending a little more time with Sonny is extremely appealing on its own. Considering those two factors, there is no way I could possibly say 'no'. Waving our good-byes, Arianna and I leave for the evening, off to do our shopping for the weekend. As if reading my mind, Arianna says to me very sincerely, "I like Sonny, Daddy. I can't wait to see him tomorrow." Ditto, my dear daughter, ditto.