"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering."~ Unknown
2
Alice woke with a start and felt Peter's hand on her back, coming to soothe her. She turned with a sigh.
"Hey." He said softly, his hand coming to her hair. She itched closer, hugged him.
"I'm sorry I woke you." She whispered half sleepily into his chest, felt him shake her head. He had already been awake, she understood. He'd had trouble sleeping even though it had been almost a year and a half since his kidnapping.
"Bad dream again?"
Alice nodded and sighed again deeply. She was already half asleep in his arms- he could tell because her breathing evened out and her body relaxed completely. She'd been having more and more bad dreams, and int eh first few months it was been very hard for them. It was hard to say who had been more traumatized by the experience they'd been through.
They took up counseling and therapy. He had to talk about post-traumatic stress disorder, so had she, they took sessions together and then laughed and joked about them when they were alone... even though he had panic attacks, sleeplessness, hypersensitivity and bout of anger, impassivity, distrustfulness. Peter had felt out of his own skin for along time before he learned to exercise at least some control on himself.
They moved back to New York, visited Arizona for a few weeks, took a road-trip. They navigated through his depression and bouts of withdraw and the only thing that brought him back from the depths of these dark pits was the thought that every time he stopped fighting for himself, he hurt Alice little more. He had no idea what all this was doing to her, because she was always so adamantly there for him and it was a chunk of freedom, of peace, every time he found her there, every time she was willing to dive into the dark depths of his depression and pull him out of it before it crushed him.
They were both trying to hard to make it work and he believed that the worst part was over... for him at least. Now the sleepless nights were rarer. He didn't wake up screaming anymore, covered in sweat, and frantic. He didn't scare her out of her wits anymore. Not that she ever told him she was afraid... Alice...
He burrowed his nose in her hair and breathed in deeply, letting himself soak in her. The smell and feel of her were his best tranquilizers, they reminded him he was home. He was safe. After almost a year and a half, he was going ok.
At least he was trying. They both were.
Especially Alice. He couldn't help but be mesmerized. She tried so hard, didn't give him and grief even when he knew he was straining their relationship to the breaking point. Even then, she was the one that put them back together, fighting though all his shit to keep them Alice and Peter Bowman. She wanted them to work, she wanted to so much that she made him want it even when he forgot he did.
It was almost painful watching how much she fought for them actually. Sometimes he felt constrained by it. Suffocated, as if he had no space, nowhere to run or hide to. And at the same time, he didn't want to go anywhere. Wherever she was was where he belonged, there was no way around it.
But the truth was that he was using her. He had made her into his only hope for a normal life that was nowhere in sight and he was keeping her hostage there with him, stopping both their lives until he got his back together and she did not deserve that. She didn't deserve any of it.
Peter kissed the top of her head and withdrew from her embrace slowly, without waking her.
What did he want really? He had to figure it out, he had to know. He had to make sense thought all the bullshit inside is head that were clouding his vision right now and see that he wanted, what was best for them, both of them.
He'd been trying so hard for her, focusing on her because it was so much easier than focusing on himself. If he kept her as his guiding star, he could make sense of himself, she was the meter to go by and kept there steady, guiding him. But he had been fucking around for too long and couldn't ignore his issues anymore. He couldn't deny that he had a problem that needed solving because it wasn't just his life at stake here.
What did he want?
Truly...
oOoOo
Alice frowned, and the disbelief in her was so great that when she asked him to repeat what he'd said, she was honestly needing to hear it again, because the words had flow by her brain without making a impression in it at all.
Peter leaned in and took hold of her hands. She left him.
"I think we should take some time. Be on our own for a while, concentrate on ourselves..."
"Peter..."
"No wait, let me get this out." His voice was so soft that she stopped, looking deep into is eyes as if she was going to find her answers there, make sense of him there because what was coming out of his mouth was completely off the charts.
"When I was up there in the mountains, the thought of getting back to our life was the only thing that kept me sane. You were my only hope." her eyes filled with tears and he quickly cupped her face.
"No no, it's ok. You reminded me I had to come back. If you hadn't been in my life I think I would have surrendered a long time ago. You saved my life Alice... but what I'm doing to yours isn't fair."
"What are you talking about." She breathed out, because she could see it in her eyes: he had that look in him, like that time when had had first asked her out – the look of a man who had already made up his mind.
This was the first time in almost 18 months that she saw that look on his face again.
And it was breaking her heart.
"I have made you my only hope for a normal life... but we both know that it's not working. I need time, I need to get myself together and I'm keeping you hostage in that."
"No you're not. No, you are not. I want to be here, I want to be there for you, with you. I want us to be us again."
"I know. I do too... but what if I can't?"
And hearing those words out of his mouth was the final straw. She pulled her hands away from his and pushed them through her hair, the tears finally falling. She had been warned that this could happen. That stupid therapist had told her this happened. He had told her to prepare for it, that maybe the man that came back would never be the man that she knew and married. That there would... there might come a point, preferably sooner rather than later when Peter himself was going to realize that.
She got up, started pacing as she angrily wiped the tears off her cheeks as if they irritated her.
"I know what this is. I know. But there is a very important question here that needs answering." She stopped pacing and faced him. He was looking at her so openly, so honestly, as if he was a boy waiting for her backlash. At his look, Alice instantly softened, and she came around the kitchen counter to stand right in front of him, taking his hands in hers softly and nearing their foreheads together.
"I need you to be honest, to tell me exactly what you feel is in your heart this time ok." And she knew he'd do it. One of the reasons they had always worked so well was because they had never been afraid to tell each other the truth.
"I need you to look deep into you heart, and tell me, if there is any chance that you might remember what it felt like to be in love with me."
"I do love you." He said without a beat of hesitation and she shook her head, one hand coming up to the side of his face.
"I know. I love you too. But that's not what I asked Peter..."
His pause was full of the heaviness that weighted on his soul and she could feel it, feel exactly what he felt as if she was holding his head inside her palm.
"I'm lost Alice."
"I know."
"And I need to figure myself out. You can't keep jumping through the hoops for someone you don't even know anymore."
"No, don't do that." She said suddenly, pulling back and looking at him with determination. "Don't use my well-being, or eve the love you have for me as the jump-starter for this decision – because if you do, if you don't start from what you want or need then this is bound to a the wrong decision Peter. You want to figure yourself out, so start right now. Don't think about what I want, what your sister wants, what the therapist wants. Fuck all of that."
"Alice..."
"No, I mean it. Start thinking about what you need, just you, and then do it. Don't let everything else pull you aside from that and don't use everything else as an excuse ok."
She hesitated for a beat before her last words, fearing that he might take them the wrong way, but he didn't he just sighed.
"That's the point, I can't do that if you're here. Instead of trying to put myself back together again I've literally used you as a shied... and I can't do that anymore."
he sounded so defeated, so utterly tired.
Alice sighed and hugged him and she felt in the way he hugged her back that this was not a break up. She had no idea what this was, but she knew he needed it. Time apart , time to be his own center for a while – figure out where and what exactly that was.
Fucking Doctor Mathews... she was quoting him now. How she hated the man!
And how grateful she was for his existence.
Because, Mathews had said that if and when Peter came to this point, it would be the most positive thing he could do for himself.
It always started with admittance...